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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re: husband cancelling date over out of date food

79 replies

user1493543506 · 18/05/2017 21:14

i do the food shop and do it in advance. had to freeze three things of fish. husband cancelled a night out saturday as we had a row over it. he wants all control over spending as he says i cant manage it properly. i get the bare minimum.

he really isn't interested in me any more is he, i had to beg for the dinner date and agreed to texting him a grocery list on wednesdays so no more waste but he is going back to his mothers every weekend from now on.

i had the baby sitter booked and everything and had him talked around.

my pride is really hurt by having to placate and beg - he is like this since we had children.

he earns 160,000 a year.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 19/05/2017 08:27

Do you have a family to fall back on? It sounds like you are very alone in life at the moment. He is being emotionally and financially abusive towards you and has worked such a good number on you that he has managed to convince you that you are the one with the problem, you are categorically NOT.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 19/05/2017 08:27

Is his dm going to turn out to be an ow possibly?
He is a total twat and you need to get out ASAP. .
Some solicitors will bill you at the end so you can pay when you have got half his cash.

Then you can buy whatever shopping you bloody well want to. .

OculusReparo · 19/05/2017 08:28

Please do contact Women's Aid even if it helps you to just talk to someone.

notanurse2017 · 19/05/2017 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User06383 · 19/05/2017 08:35

You don't beg and plead with a person to stop bullying you.

The reason you think you're not a wonderful person is because he's tried to crush it out of you, you are not the problem, he is. Be assertive. Tell him you deserve respect and desire love, if he can't provide that then he can leave. Don't let him threaten you, tell him what's happening.

Also, tell him that best before dates are only a guide and he should stop being so over dramatic.

LadyTennantofTardis · 19/05/2017 08:37

This man is the problem.not you. You should contact women's aid, perhaps talk to the gp about councilling, not because there is anything wrong with you, but to help you with your confidence and resilience. You should also get legal advice, perhaps women's aid can help you with this.

blackteasplease · 19/05/2017 08:41

It's him not you as many pps have said.

There's no way you deserve to live like this.

Many abusive men seem lovely to the outside world, that's how they roll. You need to read up on Emotionally abusive and financially abusive men. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is much recommended.

The food dates are just his stick to beat you with. He'd find another "thing" if not that. Have you been called "bad with money" at another time in your life? They often pick something they know you will find belivable.

Get some legal advice. Later get some counselling for your self estimate.

As pps have said, £160k is great as you will have plenty of money when you divorce.

ItsNachoCheese · 19/05/2017 08:46

He sounds like an utter scumbag please op for your own wellbeing get him out you deserve so much better

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 19/05/2017 08:47

If he's on 160k then that is about 3k per week, that fish (unless a whole salmon) is about 1/1000th of your household weekly income. There is something to be said for watching the pennies but he is being financially controlling and bullying. It is not your fault, it is him.

Fadingmemory · 19/05/2017 08:51

Do you wish to remain married to a controlling, financially abusive Mummy's boy? He has ground you down. Legal advice and a call to WA would put you on, hopefully, a road to recovering a life for yourself. Good luck!

Elllicam · 19/05/2017 09:22

He sounds like a complete dick. Please consider ditching him.

80sMum · 19/05/2017 09:33

Oh dear, this sounds like a horrible situation for you, OP. From what you describe, it seems that your husband doesn't view you as a partner or as his equal in any way. He wants to be in total control of you and everything you do.

Your DH appears to be "gaslighting" in that he is convincing you that you're wrong about everything and that you're incapable of making good decisions. He is wearing you down.

Don't let him do this any more! I think you need to seek some professional advice, perhaps from a counsellor initially but maybe ultimately from a solicitor, with a view to ending this relationship.

ijustwannadance · 19/05/2017 09:39

He used the food as an excuse to get out of date night.
Going to his mothers every weekend. Sure he is. Sorry op but sounds like OW to me.

When does he spend time with his children?

Ariawyn · 19/05/2017 09:41

apart from anything else (which i have seen other posters have put)

but he is going back to his mothers every weekend from now on.

what even is this?? what kind of person does this?

TheVeryHungryDieter · 19/05/2017 09:46

"Going to his mothers every weekend. Sure he is. Sorry op but sounds like OW to me."

Sounds... very Irish to me, between that and the "giving out" I know too many men of a certain age who run to Mammy when they can't be arsed being a responsible grownup. I can totally see this without another woman being involved.

OP, you need to acknowledge that he has no interest in you or making your life better. Go and find a good family solicitor and get decent advice. There's no shame in it. You don't have to stay and suffer for the sake of the children (the ones he's ignoring while he's sat in front of the telly at his mother's house while she makes his dinner).

LuxuryWoman2017 · 19/05/2017 09:49

He's a cunt, and you need to leave him. As the others have said call women's aid as a starting point.

There is nothing you can do to change this, you need to understand that.

A trip to your doctor may be in order - you sound depressed unsurprisingly and a short course of AD's may help to lift the fog of your thinking.

Good luck, this is a depressingly common tale on MN, the sound advise will always be to get shot of the abusive prick.

HalfPintPixie · 19/05/2017 10:22

I hope you are reading these messages and taking them to heart, everyone here cares about you and we want to see you safe and happy.

It sounds like you're in a relationship that is emotionally and financially abusive. He will try and control you, convince you that this is normal, or your fault, but it's not.
I've been in exactly the same position as you, it's horrible and feels hopeless, but there are options. Womens Aid were a godsend for me, they really helped me get my life back. If you don't feel you can reach out to them, please make an appointment with your gp. Tell them what you've said here, and they should be able to suggest something.

My thoughts are with you, good luck!

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 19/05/2017 10:42

He is going to his mothers every weekend from now on? When will he see the kids? People earning £160k are not generally around before kiddy bedtime in the week, IME. So he is basically removing himself from his roles as both husband and father, regardless of whether it is really his mother he is going to.

I also say LTB

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/05/2017 10:49

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?
It might help you recognise what your husband is doing.

CoraPirbright · 19/05/2017 10:51

He is going to his mum's every w/e? Good!! Use this time to get paperwork together so that you know all of his financial dealings, assets etc. Time to get your ducks in a row. You sound so utterly ground down by his horrible behaviour but he is wrong, wrong wrong. You are a bright, strong, likeable, competent woman and he is a nasty bastard. I don't often say this but get rid! It will be like a new dawn for you!

TimetohittheroadJack · 19/05/2017 10:52

OP,

If you already think everyone 'likes and respects him' and see you as the crazy wife (which I doubt btw) then you have absolutely nothing to lose by leaving him. So what if everyone thinks your the crazy wife. You don't have to be friends with these people.

Don't be embarrassed about anything, people who judge you are not you, big deal what they think. Make yourself happy.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 19/05/2017 10:53

BTW I am a sahm and my dh earns close to that. We have lots of out of date food in our house and he has never blinked an eyelid. Best before dates are a guideline, it doesn't magically go off on that day. So if he thinks it all needs to be thrown out on that day it is him being wasteful not you. The only things I pay close attention to the use by dates is meat and fish, and if you freeze it when it is still in date then that is not wasteful either, it is a very sensible way to preserve it for later use.

Don't listen to him. I'm sure the food waste is just a red herring and a stick to beat you with, if it wasn't that it would be something else.

Just so you know what a non-financially abuse arrangement looks like, Dh gives me full control of all our banking. We have separate accounts as well as joint, but it is me who controls how much is sent to the joint account each month and if it is running low I log into his account and transfer some more out!
He has no idea what we spend on shopping/utilities /mortgage etc, as I am in charge of all that, and obviously on his high salary we have no worries. I would consult him before spending ££££s on a holiday, but would not think twice about food/clothing shopping (except that I am by nature tightfisted myself!) He trusts me implicitly and the only thing he would ever moan about in the fridge is if we had run out of something crucial or favourite, and then it would be more to check I didn't have any stashed away or to ask me to get some next time. You shouldn't feel like you have to answer to him like this. It really isn't healthy.

liz70 · 19/05/2017 11:03

Oh, OP, the only thing wrong in your marriage is your miserable, tight-arsed twat of a husband. Do yourself and your children a favour and bin him like a stinking out of date fish fillet. This is no way for anyone to live. You'll never change a miser - it's in their very bones. Leave him to use his teabag six times over, and free yourself a life of being controlled and feeling worthless. You really are worth so much more.

HeyHoThereYouGo657 · 19/05/2017 11:22

Always those with who are so fucking TIGHT

OP YANBU . HE on the other hand IS

blackteasplease · 19/05/2017 11:50

I re use my tea bags, even though I'm not generally frugal. I don't know. Probably because I drink a million cups of tea each day

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