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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re: husband cancelling date over out of date food

79 replies

user1493543506 · 18/05/2017 21:14

i do the food shop and do it in advance. had to freeze three things of fish. husband cancelled a night out saturday as we had a row over it. he wants all control over spending as he says i cant manage it properly. i get the bare minimum.

he really isn't interested in me any more is he, i had to beg for the dinner date and agreed to texting him a grocery list on wednesdays so no more waste but he is going back to his mothers every weekend from now on.

i had the baby sitter booked and everything and had him talked around.

my pride is really hurt by having to placate and beg - he is like this since we had children.

he earns 160,000 a year.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/05/2017 21:49

The mans a cunt and you can do better.

What a fucking scum bag! Clearly it hasnt occured to him that if he wasnt such a bastard then you wouldnt have a breakdown in the first place.

Think of it this way....as soon as you officially seperate (assuming he lives away during the week? so ...tomorrow then) he will be liable for child support and on his wages, assuming his has the kids EOW as is standard then he would be paying £330 a week (not taking into account any pension contributions which you are entitled to half of as part of the divorce). That would be £330 a week for the kids for you to spend as you see fit. More than enough to feed and clothe them without him hanging over your shoulder and kicking off.

Think about that.

MommaGee · 18/05/2017 21:49

Tell him the next time he goes to his moms to not come back.
Have my first LTB. He sounds like an arsehole. You will be happier without him. You will be less lonely without him. The kids will be happier if you are happier. Please get some support xxx

LightDrizzle · 18/05/2017 21:50

It's not you it's him. It's not you it's him. It's not you it's him.
I promise you, you are not unloveable, you are not the first intelligent, lovely woman to be gradually worn down by controlling, insecure, unpleasant men like your husband.
Divorce him, with a top family lawyer fighting your side, and rediscover yourself and be the role model you want to be to your impressionable children.

Inertia · 18/05/2017 21:51

He sounds both emotionally and financially abusive. You can't possibly win with people like this - whatever you do , he'll find something else to bully you over.

As you're married, you'd be entitled to a fair split of marital assets in a divorce. You need legal advice.

In the meantime, you can claim child benefit , but your husband will have to make a tax adjustment for that.

AnnaThursday · 18/05/2017 21:53

Sweetie, it's not you - it's the nasty bastard you married.
Don't let him do this to you anymore, you've given him
enough now so start to make a plan for you and the DC.
Lots of women have gone before you on this journey so there's
help and support out there for you.
You won't find what you need with the bullying shit you married
but you will have a chance of finding it among the many millions
of decent men out here.
You can do this you know. Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 18/05/2017 21:57

If you believe there is something wrong with you that is because he has bullied you and belittled you and made you feel like that. Please get legal advice and if you regret dropping your career then why not look into picking it up again?

lifetothefull · 18/05/2017 21:57

Don't beg him anymore. You are worth more.

Gininthesunshine · 18/05/2017 21:58

This is an abusive relationship. I was in similar and I sill have PTS over groceries that are found not to be in date order, or spilt groceries. I'm three years out of it now.

The sooner you get help the better. You may decide to leave, you may not. But please get help and support so you can make healthy choices. I got help from a local action group against domestic abuse. I believe Woman's aid offer similar support.

I'm finding out the consequences on little children far too late. Just be aware. To stay and be a dutiful wife isn't always the healthiest course of action when children (with no choices) are involved.

This is the advice I'd give to my younger self.

It's not an easy path, to stay or to leave. Both are hard. Flowers

blueskyinmarch · 18/05/2017 21:59

He sounds abusive. Let him go back to his DM - forever.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 18/05/2017 21:59

Is it an arranged marriage?

notapizzaeater · 18/05/2017 22:02

He sounds horrid, you shouldn't be scared in your own home about wasting food !

Let him go ,,,,

titchy · 18/05/2017 22:09

Ooh £160k a year - excellent. You will be in a very good financial position when you divorce, and much happier. You have such a bright future really.

Notonthestairs · 18/05/2017 22:10

Gininthesunshine is spot on. Please think about your options. Think about how he'll be with your children if they don't match his expectations.
You don't have to leave now but talk to Women's Aid and start planning for your future.
This relationship is not normal and you can and will be a lot happier.

Original poster
user1493543506 · 18/05/2017 23:36

hi its not an arranged marriage. i keep thinking if i change something it will change. i gave out to him and stood up for myself about the food and was insulting. i shouldnt have done that. i should have kept silent. now ive no date. its just hard to know what normal is. or if i can ever find people to like me. if everyone in your life turns on you, doesnt that mean i could be at fault. the fights have ruined our life.

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 19/05/2017 00:02

This is absolutely not ok. Dates on food is a non-issue on your income. He's looking for ways to punish you and make you feel rubbish about yourself.
How much support do you have IRL?
What's he like in other ways?

PickAChew · 19/05/2017 00:05

The best happiness oyu could possibly snatch is without him around, treating you like a naughty child.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/05/2017 00:06

If the only way to keep your husband happy is to keep silent, never stand up for yourself and never voice your opinion then that is not normal.

If everyone in your life turns against you then yes, potentially you could be at fault. Or it could be that the reason you have been vulnerable to an abusive man is that you have an abusive family too, it often happens like that.

Or a family that prize posessions and appearances over personal fulfilment and love.

Either way, it aint you my love. Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/05/2017 00:07

What are your living arrangements if he is saying that he is going home to his mums every weekend?

Are you sure he will be going there and not somewhere else?

Original poster
user1493543506 · 19/05/2017 07:58

we only bought a house together last year. its so embarrassing. ive tried everything to placate and get along. everything to fix things. im a person without a lot of friends. this relationship came along at a time when i was vulnerable and ive really relied on it. its a big part of who I am. on my own i feel like nothing. like i cannot do anything. he is really good at what he does. everyone respects and likes him. i am the crazy wife. i got angry with him. he just wont come around. he used to always come around and he just doesnt any more. he says he is finished trying. all the begging and pleading in the world, doesnt work.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 19/05/2017 08:09

The lack of date is the least of your problems. However until you realise that the only way out here is to leave him, you will just waste your life trying to placate him.

MyfatheristheKing · 19/05/2017 08:14

Stop begging and pleading. You are better than that. Go and get some legal advice today, you will be so much happier once you leave him. Trust me.

RedSkySuperStar · 19/05/2017 08:19

He sounds awful and controlling, he is financially and emotionally abusing you. You and the kids will be better off without him, contact Women's aid and get some advice Flowers

thekeyboard · 19/05/2017 08:24

OP, you are lacking in confidence and worn down, but you are NOT crazy. Your H sounds as if he has some deep-seated psychological problems and he is taking it out on you.
What kind of married man would talk about flouncing off to his mother's for weekends? This is unbelievable! Why should she put up with him anyway?
If he has a problem with your shopping, he can do it himself. To be honest though, if he wasn't being controlling over that, it would be something else.
Tell him you need space and he should indeed go to his mother's asap. Then get a solicitor and get this fool out for good.

OculusReparo · 19/05/2017 08:25

im a person without a lot of friends. this relationship came along at a time when i was vulnerable and ive really relied on it. its a big part of who I am. on my own i feel like nothing. like i cannot do anything. he is really good at what he does. everyone respects and likes him. i am the crazy wife

This jumps out to me. You were vulnerable and he was the "hero". And I think he took advantage of your vulnerability. You need to remind yourself that you don't owe him anything.

In a marriage, two people are supposed to be equal no matter who the breadwinner is. And I think him being the higher earner is being used as a way to financially control you and this is not healthy. This has no bearing on you as a person so please don't think you somehow deserve this ill treatment. You don't. Nobody does. You deserve to be happy.

And you refer to yourself as a the "crazy" wife whilst everyone respects him But it seems to me that you've just become used to putting yourself down and keeping silent just to keep the peace.

When your self-esteem is so low, you probably find it easier to put yourself down. But it would be good to write down a list of things that you're good at and what you like best about yourself. And then whenever you feel low, you can look at that list and remind yourself that you're not who he thinks you are.

If he's going to his mummy every weekend, so be it. It's not going to be easy but you will feel a lot better when you leave this relationship. Use those times when he's not at home, whether he's at work or at his Mum's place, to gather documents but do not let on to the fact that you're doing this.

nicknameofawesome · 19/05/2017 08:25

You need to talk to women's aid and get some legal advice. This is not Normal or healthy. You need to get out. I promise you it's all him.