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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To text my friend this re our dc

73 replies

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 08:49

I've been friends with this mum for years. Pre children so 25 years since I was about 15. We've had moment of not being in touch as I lived 300 miles away at one point but once I moved back we were back in touch.

I have three dc and she just has the one the same age as dd. They've been friends since pre school. Not best friends but always played nicely and I've not heard dd ever say anything bad about G.

They are yr6 now and in different classes but still see each other's outside of school and still seemed to get on well. Dd is a bit moany an so stroppy at the moment as she was stressed about sats and the started her period for the first time.

Dd came home really upset yesterday and considering sending this text To my friend as I'm shocked and if it's true I am a bit upset about it but mainly feel now it's been said we need to know if it's true.

For clarification
L is my dd
G is her dd
J is another boy who is the son of a friend at the same school.

"Debated about sending this and deleted it more than once!

L was really upset yesterday. I try not to interfere with girls friendships as one minute they are friends the next not etc and can't keep up with it.

But, apparently yesterday J went running up to L and asked if she liked G. L said yes and J said well G hates you and that her mum makes her play with you. 😢

I said to L that J was probably not telling the truth as I'm sure G didn't say that, but L was actually heartbroken! She said she knows she's moody and can be mean but she thought G was her friend. I said to perhaps speak to G without anyone else around today and maybe they could sort it out.

She has gone to school but didn't want to as 'everyone hates her'

I know L can be moody and stroppy. However I never thought we were forcing them to be friends because we are. I thought that they genuinely were friends. So I'm hoping J was lying or exaggerating"

OP posts:
MarcelineTheVampire · 17/05/2017 08:55

Oh it's a difficult one as you don't want to see your DD upset but I would leave it to be honest, unless something else happens.

Kids can be so mean but I would just monitor situation if this is the first time it's happened.

InDubiousBattle · 17/05/2017 08:55

I try not to interfere with girls friendships

I think this is an excellent plan op. I'm guessing it will be over by the end of the week if they're left to their own devices. It almost certainly won't be if you and her mum start exchanging texts about it!

ZaZathecat · 17/05/2017 08:56

I would say a face to face conversation would be better. People can take offence much more easily over a text where they can't see your expression.

SootSprite · 17/05/2017 08:57

I'd stay out of it. I know it's hard when your child is upset but really, no good will come of you meddling in this. Either way, your friend will say, 'of course we like her', and you will have no way of knowing whether it is true or not. G has probably made some throwaway comment which has been twisted by J to cause trouble.
I'd settle for having a chat with your dd, as 'heartbroken' about what seems to be a casual friendship is OTT (but understandable at her age).

ZaZathecat · 17/05/2017 08:58

And yes it would be better to leave it a few days before saying anything to see if they sort themselves out.

RedHelenB · 17/05/2017 08:58

YABU ket let them sorybiy. Kids are always shot stirring especially in y6!

KoalaDownUnder · 17/05/2017 08:59

No, don't text her. It always causes misunderstandings or drama. Texting about interpersonal problems is for teenagers.

Either pick up the phone and give her a call or, ideally, let the children sort it out. It'll blow over much more quickly.

JoWithABow · 17/05/2017 09:01

I think the way you've phrased it means that the only response is for your friend to agree with you that G is a genuine friend. I think this kind of thing needs to be talked about, not done via txt msg otherwise you'll risk putting your friends back up or not getting a straight answer yourself.
I'd either phone and go through what has been said, or mention it the next time you catch up.
I'm sorry your DD is having such a hard time, hope it gets better for her.
If you really must txt her then change how you've phrased it so it reads less 'I'm sure this can't be true' to something more neutral.

corythatwas · 17/05/2017 09:03

I would leave well alone here. Chances are J is stirring and twisting things, but by the time you've had this conversation G will feel uncomfortable around your dd and your friend around you, and you will never know how much of that was actually your own creation.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 17/05/2017 09:04

I wouldn't interfere at all. Leave them to sort it out. Also, there may be some truth in it, perhaps G doesn't really want to be friends anymore, in which case it's better to know that than force a friendship where one isn't natural. If this isn't true and just said in the heat of the moment/misinterpreted, the girls will sort this out themselves.

No 'talk' is needed here, or even the school, it's really something and nothing. I think your dd is feeding the drama with 'no-one likes me 'stuff, just be calm and send her in, don't then ramp it up by phoning/texting people!

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:04

I think if it was anyone else I wouldn't feel like I need to say anything at all. It's because of who it is.

I'll see how dd is when she comes out of school today. The part for me is I know that her dd has said about a different friends dd that she didn't like her but then dd wasn't keen either and they have now moved away so not an issue.

I just feel that it would change our friendship as well as I wouldn't want to force dd to go to their house or invite them to ours as often etc.

Aaggghh. I know it's only going to get worse once secondary school friendships start and they kick in but I do genuinely keep out. Just suggest coping tactics to dd and let her get on with it.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 17/05/2017 09:05

Leave well alone and let them learn to sort their own friendship out.

TeenAndTween · 17/05/2017 09:06

Don't text

Leave it a little while to see if the girls sort it out.

If not say something neutral like 'how do you feel the girls get on these days?" If she wants to say they're not so close then that gives her an opportunity.

thatdearoctopus · 17/05/2017 09:06

What are you hoping to gain from the text? If your friend texts back and says it's nonsense, will you believe her?

I'd let it lie for now, but keep your antennae waving to see if there are further incidents or any evidence to show that G is cooling the friendship.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 17/05/2017 09:06

Also, perhaps your dd is on that learning curve of knowing just how moody and mean you can be before your friends start to dislike you! My dd has been a bit moody a couple of times, but I've noticed she pulls back from that now and tries to be more even tempered when with friends- you have to learn what is and isn't ok behaviour within the group and with particular individuals. Have faith she will learn this, and have friends, it may or may not be with G as they move to secondary anyway.

diddl · 17/05/2017 09:07

Who suggests that the kids meet up & how are they when together?

If G is being forced to see your daughter I would have thought that it would be quite obvious from the way she is around her-plus she wouldn't be asking to meet up, it would all be coming from your daughter, wouldn't it?

TeenAndTween · 17/05/2017 09:07

If necessary, start meeting in the evenings without the DC.

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:09

I never said I would discuss it with school?

Dd has gone into school. We have had very few friendship issues with dd as luckily she does have a big group of friends as well as a couple of 'best friends'

I can't help but feel that this does change things and I will be much more cautious about inviting them over or spending as much time together with the girls present.

OP posts:
Greyponcho · 17/05/2017 09:09

She said she knows she's moody and can be mean

Sorry, OP, but if your DD has admitted she 'can be mean' she needs to reflect on how this makes other people feel - perhaps this is why G doesn't enjoy playing with her.
Sure, your DD is stressed with everything going on, but undoubtedly G will be too.
This might be a wake up call she needs to realise that people don't like mean people. She needs to apologise for being mean.

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:12

Who suggests that the kids meet up & how are they when together?

Usually them. With more dc I'm usually busier and so it's often suggested that dd goes to theirs to play and for tea or goes out for the day with them.

They always seem fine together. They go off and you can hear laughing and squealing and when they are in the same room they are talking and no signs of awkwardness or eyebrow raising etc.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/05/2017 09:12

I can't help but feel that this does change things

Because a random third child said something to your DD that might not actually be true??

KoalaDownUnder · 17/05/2017 09:14

Major overreaction, OP! Just let it go and see how it pans out.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 17/05/2017 09:15

I wouldn't back out of the friendship off what a boy at school said. then repeated by your dd. This is hardly good evidence.

Just be alert to changes in the situation yourself, or suggest meeting up the mums by yourselves another time. It may be the girls are happy to get together, it may be this is changing over time as they get older and prefer particular friends rather than playing with just anyone.

weemouse · 17/05/2017 09:15

Your daughter has admitted she is "moody and mean", you have written that you know she can be "moody and stroppy", maybe G did say those things and can't be bothered with someone who is constantly like that.

Teenage hormones and friendships are a minefield, but maybe your daughter needs to have a hard look at how her behaviour is affecting how others feel about her?

elephantscansing · 17/05/2017 09:15

She said she knows she's moody and can be mean but she thought G was her friend.

This could be the reason. If your dd knows she can be moody and mean, that's great - means she's aware. The next step is to get her to understand that other dc won't like her if she's being moody - not even her best friend. Can she rein it in/change her behaviour?

As for texting the other mum? No. Leave it. Just monitor, as you're doing...