To text my friend this re our dc

[UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter]

I've been friends with this mum for years. Pre children so 25 years since I was about 15. We've had moment of not being in touch as I lived 300 miles away at one point but once I moved back we were back in touch.

I have three dc and she just has the one the same age as dd. They've been friends since pre school. Not best friends but always played nicely and I've not heard dd ever say anything bad about G.

They are yr6 now and in different classes but still see each other's outside of school and still seemed to get on well. Dd is a bit moany an so stroppy at the moment as she was stressed about sats and the started her period for the first time.

Dd came home really upset yesterday and considering sending this text To my friend as I'm shocked and if it's true I am a bit upset about it but mainly feel now it's been said we need to know if it's true.

For clarification
L is my dd
G is her dd
J is another boy who is the son of a friend at the same school.

"Debated about sending this and deleted it more than once!

L was really upset yesterday. I try not to interfere with girls friendships as one minute they are friends the next not etc and can't keep up with it.

But, apparently yesterday J went running up to L and asked if she liked G. L said yes and J said well G hates you and that her mum makes her play with you. 😢

I said to L that J was probably not telling the truth as I'm sure G didn't say that, but L was actually heartbroken! She said she knows she's moody and can be mean but she thought G was her friend. I said to perhaps speak to G without anyone else around today and maybe they could sort it out.

She has gone to school but didn't want to as 'everyone hates her'

I know L can be moody and stroppy. However I never thought we were forcing them to be friends because we are. I thought that they genuinely were friends. So I'm hoping J was lying or exaggerating"

Thank you everyone. You've saved me from a potential huge faux pas.

I think it's already changed your friendship with G's mother, because you have that doubt in your mind. Even if she says that of course J was twisting it, and that of course G likes L...

... you're not really going to believe her, are you?

I know that I wouldn't.

And yes, senior school is going to get a lot worse - particularly if your daughter has a reputation for being stroppy and moody already

No don't it's really cringey. Someone asked me if my dd still wanted to be friends with her dd (she didn't) and it was awful. I think her mum should instead have agreed with her own dd that the friendship had run its course and to give up the messaging etc.

Well, it doesnt sound like G hates your DD at all, if she is always being invited to their house. It sounds more like G might have 'hated' her in that moment, you can her the conversation 'I hate her! ....... 'So, why are you always hanging out with her?'. 'Oh, because my mum makes me !'

Don't make a big deal of it at all, just keep your phone in your pocket and let it all slide.

Contrary you're right it has changed things already. As I will be reluctant to continue meeting up as regularly as we have.

Dd doesn't have a reputation of being moody and mean. Those were her own words. She's feeling very confused and finding things a bit stressful right now so is quiet and not her usual bubbly fun self. She's known as the chatterbox and the funny one for the most part. Her mood has improved hugely since sats ended.

Whether secondary gets a lot worse or not will depend partly on how you handle it. These are years when you gradually need to start disconnecting from your dd's life and start living your own, cultivate friendships for your own sake and not for your dd, lend a kindly listening ear but not think you have responsibility for everything that happens in your dd's life. There will probably be friendship issues, there will be boyfriend issues, her heart will probably be broken, because that is what growing up is like. Make sure you have a strong enough life of your own to be able to be resilient about hers. Make friends that you want, keep friends if you want them as friends.

Leave well alone

J may have done this as a dare or to wind G up - there are so many possibilities it would be totally wrong to assume 1 or 2.

Unfortunately as children age the children of their parents friends may no longer be the people our children want to mix with. This may be the beginnings of that drifting away and you can prepare for it

It is more likely nothing and will blow over

Don't text.

Don't get involved.

Just support your own DD, if you have to say anything just mention it face to face when you next meet up.

Moody kids say stupid stuff they don't mean, you are reading too much into this.

Haven't RTFT but by her own (and your) admission she is moody and mean. If she really is mean to G regularly then she is reaping what she is sowing. Perhaps she can learn from this and treat her a bit better!

There is no point sending the text. Your friend will either lie or you won't like the response.

Point out to your DD that periods/stress etc are no excuse for meanness. If she really has been mean then this is what happens but OTOH if she hasn't then sometimes friendships grow apart and she shouldn't take it personally. But get her to examine her own behaviour to see which it is.

Perhaps it is time to start seeing your friend more without the kids. That is actually a natural progression at that age.

Meet up with your friend in your own from now on or at least a lot more. Your friendships shouldn't friend on whether their children like yours tbh.

I have a very close friend with a DD the same age as my DD1. We all holiday together etc. DDs have always got on extremely well, although they dont go to the same school as we live in different parts of London. When they were smaller, they use to haggle to meet up as often as possible. Now they are older (13), they have developed different interests and have less in common than they used to.

They still get on well and we still holiday together sometimes, although it is now a bit more all the kids mucking in together (my other DD and friend's other DCs and sometimes another family too), but we meet up less often with the DC. My relationship with friend has reverted more to an adult friendship, either with female friends after work or in the evening at the weekend with DHs. I actually like that it feels more like my friendship again! We both sort of worked out that the girls had less in common than they used to and there was no big drama when they stopped going to each other birthdays etc.

Perhaps you should read the thread before commenting. I've explained what was meant by the moody and mean comments and she's never mean to G.

She has been quieter than usual but has never taken her moods out on G.

She has been spoken to about the moods and told that she needs to find better ways to deal with them than being silent and 'moody'. However she's an 11yr old girl (just) who has had lots to deal with in the last few months. The first time that she's ever felt stress about a test etc. Then the period and puberty issues plus general school stuff it's a lot for a young girl to cope with. I know it effects people differently but she has been stressed/worried. Mainly about sats tbh thankfully those are over now. And hopefully by the time gcse come round she'll have developed better revision and coping skills.

Don't pull back from a friendship on the basis of a mean comment by a lad in school.

The very most you should be texting your friend, very very most, is "J seems to have been stirring today. He upset DD about your DD. Just as a heads up in case he upsets G."

That's it. Then leave them to sort themselves unless J saying things that make your DD cry becomes regular.

Fwiw I don't think you should choose your friendships based on your daughter's preferences. If you really like the other mum and get on and she's a real friend, then that's that. You say you've been friends since pre-kids, so just focus on that. The girls might fall out for good, or have many spats over the years to come, who knows.

But involving yourself in her friendships means you stop being a parent and move towards being a peer - which isn't healthy.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing in being there for your child, but you can't manage her friendships for her. Also - imagine the repercussions! Been a while since I was 11, but getting your mum involved in friendships must still be deeply uncool!

Don't get involved. Girls fall out all the time. Friendships can often change on a weekly basis. You can guarantee it will have blown over in a few days. The boy should have kept his nose out, other people's friendships are nothing to do with him. To those saying your daughter shouldn't be mean and moody, do they have pre-teen girls? ! Hormones have an emotional and mental effect on girls from age around 8 onwards. Quite often, they can be horrors with parents and family members, but still perfectly lovely to their friends!

Thank you MetalMum15 I was actually getting a bit upset about the comments about dd. She's a nice girl for the vast majority of the time honest. 😀

Of course op thry can all be moody buggers. Good for you and yes we had boys first and none of this so the girls friendship niggles were a shock.

By 16 they get much more settled and mature

I didn't read your posts as your dd being a nasty person. Just that this is an age where children move away from their families and establish their own friendships and she needs to see that, much as it hurts, this is ok as long as you don't behave badly. Otherwise, how will she have the confidence to break up with a boyfriend you all like a few years down the line?

If got that text from a friend I would think she'd gone off her rocker.
First of all because thats not the kind of thing you put in a text. If it needs talking about then talk about it, don't text it. Secondly I'd be boggling at the thought that I'm supposed to know what some random child said to your daughter about my daughter. I wasn't there, I can't ask that other kid, its really nothing at all to do with me.
Then the fact that you went straight to asking if our children were friends and all that: frankly I'd be rather offended that you would take some random comment from another child so seriously after our history together.

Your child is being very dramatic about it all, and so are you.

Unicorn I have 2 girls. Eldest was constantly up and down for about 2 years! She's quite lovely and calm now but about to hit 13 so who knows how long it will last for

In my experience 13 to 14 is the 2 to 3 years. Fairly dramatic and frequently impossible but improve rapidly after that year

Ah, something to look forward to then Dianne

Well I look forward to those years.

I haven't sent the text so thanks. I obviously knew I shouldn't to have stopped myself pressing send and coming here and asking advice. So again thanks to those with practical and calm advice.

Fwiw the the boy spends equally as much time with my friend and her dd as my dd does. She often looks after him after school as his parents work shifts and are close friends as well. All very complicated.

But I'm just going to keep things as they are and if it comes up in conversation will mention it without making a big deal.

I'm not worried about them having their own friends and growing apart. They really are nothing like each other and have different interests but I did think they were/are friends as they liked each other.

Which knows?? If dd does get her first choice school (we are very near the top of the list) then they will be at different secondary schools as well so I would expect the friendship to change then naturally.