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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To text my friend this re our dc

73 replies

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 08:49

I've been friends with this mum for years. Pre children so 25 years since I was about 15. We've had moment of not being in touch as I lived 300 miles away at one point but once I moved back we were back in touch.

I have three dc and she just has the one the same age as dd. They've been friends since pre school. Not best friends but always played nicely and I've not heard dd ever say anything bad about G.

They are yr6 now and in different classes but still see each other's outside of school and still seemed to get on well. Dd is a bit moany an so stroppy at the moment as she was stressed about sats and the started her period for the first time.

Dd came home really upset yesterday and considering sending this text To my friend as I'm shocked and if it's true I am a bit upset about it but mainly feel now it's been said we need to know if it's true.

For clarification
L is my dd
G is her dd
J is another boy who is the son of a friend at the same school.

"Debated about sending this and deleted it more than once!

L was really upset yesterday. I try not to interfere with girls friendships as one minute they are friends the next not etc and can't keep up with it.

But, apparently yesterday J went running up to L and asked if she liked G. L said yes and J said well G hates you and that her mum makes her play with you. 😢

I said to L that J was probably not telling the truth as I'm sure G didn't say that, but L was actually heartbroken! She said she knows she's moody and can be mean but she thought G was her friend. I said to perhaps speak to G without anyone else around today and maybe they could sort it out.

She has gone to school but didn't want to as 'everyone hates her'

I know L can be moody and stroppy. However I never thought we were forcing them to be friends because we are. I thought that they genuinely were friends. So I'm hoping J was lying or exaggerating"

OP posts:
MarcelineTheVampire · 17/05/2017 09:16

I do agree with pp's that maybe you need to address the moodiness/mean streak that your DD and you have admitted to.

diddl · 17/05/2017 09:16

"so it's often suggested that dd goes to theirs to play and for tea or goes out for the day with them. "

By whom?

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:16

I've never seen her be mean to G and believe me they would both come running to tell tales of they were mean or moody to each other when we were about.

Both h and I have discussed with dd about the moodiness. I wouldn't say she was mean as such. Just when she's moody she will withdraw and not want to talk which some can take as her being mean.

OP posts:
flipflap75 · 17/05/2017 09:16

I understand why you're upset and tempted to text, but personally, I'd stay out of it. It's probably one of those 'storm in a teacup' things where the girls have had a minor fallout and G has said something unpleasant, which J has jumped on and embellished.

The girls will probably get over it quickly, J will find someone else to upset, and all will be well. And if your friend is initiating most of the get-togethers, no worries on that score either.

claraschu · 17/05/2017 09:17

I would never discuss something like this by text. Get together with the other mum for coffee or a glass of wine, and ask what has been going on with the girls lately? Then slowly open up about what your daughter told you, leaving room for her to give her own version, but also being (tactful but) honest. In my opinion, texts are never a good idea with a sensitive and complicated friendship situation; it is impossible to interpret the tone and the nuances of the other person's point of view.

If the other mum weren't a real friend I would ignore something like this unless it continued to be a problem or escalated into something worse.

Sionella · 17/05/2017 09:19

I can see why you want to text. It must be awful knowing your DD is upset. But honestly - I think you'd make it worse. When I was that age, my best friends and I were always fighting and making up! The worst thing I could have imagined would be my mum trying to sort it out for me.

I think just chatting to your DD about it and keeping an eye on it is the way forward. Bless her, it's not an easy age!

TheNoodlesIncident · 17/05/2017 09:19

There wouldn't be an issue without J stirring by saying emotive things. If G didn't really want to be friends she could pull back a little, by "being busy", or saying "I'm just talking with X just now".Obviously now your DD will be looking for hints that G wants to spend less time with her.

There are loads of kids like J who like to say provocative things to see the reaction. However things do pan out with G, it might help your DD to bear in mind some kids do that kind of thing and keep her reactions to a minimum...

I wouldn't text, it'll likely blow over and these things are much better lightly discussed with tea & cake

WaitingYetAgain · 17/05/2017 09:20

I agree with SoupDragon. It seems a bit of an overreaction considering J may just have made it up to be mean or something!

As you have kept out of your DDs friendship dramas thus far, I think leave it to her to speak to G about it. She is far more likely to get the truth from her than you will by sending the text, I think. Then you can go from there.

ChasedByBees · 17/05/2017 09:20

Don't send the text. I agree with everyone else:

A) it might not be true.
B) if it was true, it might have been an offhand comment about a moment that passed.
C) if your DD is moody and mean then she may need to reflect on that.

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:20

diddl always by them. Often G on the way out of school. I would never invite my dd to someone else's house. But will often get a text inviting dd over after school. We often have to decline due to activities etc and also I don't want to oook like it's always dd going to theirs. (G likes to be at her house and not friends houses so usually her friends go to hers and rarely does she go to theirs. They do come to ours together though or we meet for coffee after school, go to the large play park and walks etc)

OP posts:
Sionella · 17/05/2017 09:20

(If it helps, 30 years later, we're all still best friends and a gang of 15 of us are off on a girls' holiday this weekend. We did grow out of it, and G and L will too Smile)

corythatwas · 17/05/2017 09:22

The other thing you have to remember is that G has a perfect right to want to find her own friends at this age. They are growing up. Presumably you have friends who were not chosen for you by your mother?

A text like the one you suggested would make your friend feel bad and probably would lead to her making her dd feel bad. Is that what you would like to happen if your dd grew out of one of her friendships? Wouldn't you rather that the other mother handled it tactfully. There are ways you can move your own friendship with the mother to a less child-centred one without being confrontational about it.

Your dc are growing up and changing. Your job is to facilitate this transition for your dd. Concentrate on that.

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:23

Ok so I won't send the text Blush (well WhatsApp) but should I pull back a bit? I don't let dd go everytime they ask as I'm conscious of looking like I take advantage anyway. But perhaps suggest more mum's nights out or coffee on a weekend when her dd is at her dads. Not keeping them totally apart but giving a bit more space to them?

OP posts:
Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:25

Presumably you have friends who were not chosen for you by your mother?

Now this is the thing. I guess we've become closer friends because the girls were close and always wanting to play. Although friends who would go out for drinks and dinner etc pre the girls being friends we weren't that close. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
chocatoo · 17/05/2017 09:26

Don't text, talk face to face over a coffee maybe but give it a while to see what happens first. Also I think maybe you need to work on your DDs stroppiness/moods - it's possible that your friend's daughter is fed up with it. My DD put up with it for ages and then one day just walked away from her friend - she'd had enough and has never been interested in rekindling the friendship.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 17/05/2017 09:26

As a mum of 4 teens and 2 girls stay out of it

Your dd is mean and moody? Well that's a good life lesson to look at herself and be nicer or you piss people off.

By the time you get involved it will be sorted and you and your friends relationship will be over.

It's life, be brisk and matter of fact with your dd and don't allow her to be 'heartbroken' over a casual friendship.

Keep supporting her and keep chatting but don't get involved

chopchopchop · 17/05/2017 09:27

I think you just have to ride this one out, as everyone said, it may well blow over.

My DD's also had friendship difficulties this term of Yr6 as well - it's not just the SATS, they're also worried about moving on to secondary, who's going to stay friends with who, change and so on. The teachers said to us that it's always a very difficult time

corythatwas · 17/05/2017 09:27

Sounds like a good plan, OP. Give the signals that your friendship with the mum is a totally separate thing and that the dd is not responsible for that. In the next year or so, your dds will start managing their own friendships anyway, so there will be less pressure on you.

diddl · 17/05/2017 09:30

So do they see each other when they want to & also they sometimes have to when you & G's mum see each other?

If so, it's possible something has been said about that or that they've been "forced" together after a falling out?

corythatwas · 17/05/2017 09:30

Just read your second post, OP. Basically, I think you will need to take the time to find out if this is a friendship that you still want to sustain at this level or whether it will gradually become less close. Once my dc grew up I have drifted apart from most of the "baby friends", but we are still friendly iyswim, no fallings-out or high emotions. Just another stage of my life, like moving into a different country. But friends who were my friends have remained my friends.

Queenofthestress · 17/05/2017 09:35

Leave it and don't interfere, if the friendship ends then it ends, don't force it, I was forced to be friends with someone who hated me, really really hated me and ended up left in the hospital, I know it won't go that far with your DD but you get my point

Original poster
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 17/05/2017 09:39

I'm not painting dd in a good light. They are all quality moody at this age and G certainly has her moments. Dd has just shrugged it off previously when G has been in a mood though and not been bothered as she knows she's moody as well.

I think in hindsight I would say mean is not the description I would use. Moody but she's good with her friends. Although when in a mood she does withdraw. Is that then perceived as mean?

We also have uncertainty about secondary school as didn't get first choice and on the wait list for chosen school and dd really doesn't want to go to the school she's been given. We have done everything we can to reassure her that that school is fine and good and she'll have plenty of opportunities at that school for the sports she does (the first choice school are widely known for being the best at the sports dd does and has a large sporting ethic. The other school doesn't)

So in conclusion it's just a really bad age for girls in particular? I have older children but both boys and we never had this.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/05/2017 09:40

as luckily she does have a big group of friends as well as a couple of 'best friends'

I'd tell DD to ignore it and stick with the group of friends she has. If G was her only friend then I might say something but I think it's just one of those things you need to forget about unless it escalates

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/05/2017 09:41

And my DD is in y5...Yes it's a bad age for friendship flitting as I call it! Up until this year the whole class got along together really well. This year has been a fucking nightmare challenging

Hissy · 17/05/2017 09:46

I'd put money on the fact that J made that up. don't text, see what happens today.