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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU doing my brothers washing ?

63 replies

Sixmix · 16/05/2017 18:42

Hello fellows

I have just had a blazing row with the DH.

I need to know AIBU.

Little history , my brother is single, has mental health issues, lives in bedsit, and doesn't have a washing machine.

Until 3 or 4 months ago he was taking his washing to a laundrette. Said laundrette has closed down leaving him with no laundrette in a 5 mile radius and no car.

So until he moves into accommodation with a washing machine our father normally does his washing for him ... my father goes away often so when he's away Iv been doing it. Iv done it twice in 3 months. And am due to do it tomorrow.

Myself , brother, DH and DD were going to go out for lunch tomorrow. I suggested to DH to do lunch at ours tomorrow instead (knowing I'll have to do the washing / drying ) while we eat lunch. He said why, I said as we will have to come back here so I can do his washing. The reply I got was "for f&ck sake why do we have to do his washing". I explained that he doesn't have a washing machine and no laundrette within 5 mile radius. He's now not talking to me.

I do all our washing at home and always in timely manner , so it's not as though I do my brothers and not ours.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SorrelSoup · 16/05/2017 18:45

YANBU. What a horrible attitude he has. And now he's blanking you! Does he care much about his own family?

Cel982 · 16/05/2017 18:46

YANBU to do your brother's washing in the circumstances, it's kind and helpful.

It does seem a bit unreasonable to have to forgo a nice meal out just for that reason, though. Can't you just fit the washing in around your lunch plans?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 16/05/2017 18:46

It's you doing the washing and not 'we' so I see no problem (unless DH really wanted to go out for food)

FetchezLaVache · 16/05/2017 18:47

YANBU - in those circumstances I would help out like a shot.

And, point of information, it doesn't sound like anyone has asked your husband to do your brother's washing, so he can fuck off with the "why do WE have to do it" business.

harderandharder2breathe · 16/05/2017 18:48

Yanbu to do the washing in the circumstances but does it really have to dictate your plans for the day? Can't you work the laundry in around going out for lunch?

Cel982 · 16/05/2017 18:48

Meant to add, your husband is being a cock to give you the silent treatment over this, obviously.

ElspethFlashman · 16/05/2017 18:48

I'd do it (temporarily - is he actually looking for new accommodation?)

But no bloody way would I cancel a nice lunch out for washing - mine or anyone elses.

It's washing! You bung it in the machine, press a button and fuck off! Why do you have to stay home for washing? Am I missing something?

Pinkheart5917 · 16/05/2017 18:51

Yanbu

Family are supposed to help each other out

The poor lad has no washing machine, no laundrette near by and needs clean clothes.

catcatcatcat · 16/05/2017 18:51

I'd be really upset if my DP was this unsupportive about my family. YANBU at all in my opinion. It's important to you to help your brother and he should get that.

Original poster
Sixmix · 16/05/2017 18:54

Oh no definately don't have to stay at home just for washing and forgo meal out , the lunch is only to our local and something we do with my brother often, and as it will prob be two loads of washing that will need to be dried and ready to take back later in the day (or a 20 mile drive to take it back another day) I thought I'd get it all done tomorrow in one go so he's got clean & dry clothes.

Perhaps when Dh thaws out I'll suggest we still go out but will have to sort washing out around that.

As for accommodation, he's got Mh issues and not in work, at the moment only entitled to bedsit but should be entitled to a flat with washing facilities in the next 6 months. It's purely circumstances, he was quite happy to take his laundry to laundrette before but they're all closing down near him.

I don't see it as a problem. DH obviously does. I said would u not so ur brothers washing , and he said but my brother wouldn't bring round a months washing. Which is an exaggeration, it's two loads max.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 16/05/2017 18:55

Doing the washing is one thing but making doing it the focus of your day is - bizarre. Id be unimpressed if my dh cancelled a planned meal out to do laundry. And why can't he do his own laundry round at yours?

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2017 18:56

X posts

expatinscotland · 16/05/2017 18:59

YANBU

BackforGood · 16/05/2017 19:03

Agree with most - I'd do the washing for anyone without a washing machine, in a heartbeat, but wouldn't dictate my whole day around it. I'd try to sort it so that either there was stuff I could return next time I saw him, or make the effort to take stuff over at the weekend or something.

If he doesn't have enough, could you lend him sheets or towels or something whilst you have his in the wash ?

Original poster
Sixmix · 16/05/2017 19:06

DH is actually going ballistic.
Now talking about how much it costs to Run a washing machine and tumble dryer

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/05/2017 19:08

Do you have a car? Could you take laundry for a service wash and pick it up dried and folded in the way back from m the meal?

You are doing a kind thing.

BackforGood · 16/05/2017 19:18

Is he normally such a selfish person ?

Original poster
Sixmix · 16/05/2017 19:23

Now apparently I need to pay more into the joint account (I earn less than half than he does and part time to care for DD) so due to this he now wants me to pay equal. He's lost the plot.

He's saying I shouldn't be wiping his arse for him and at his age he should find another laundrette not expect me to do it.

I'm so angry it's unreal. Totally selfish bastard.

OP posts:
Josieannathe2nd · 16/05/2017 19:30

That's ridiculous! It's not Iike he's living with you or you are your brother main source of care. It sounds like your brother is coping as well as he can with his mential health difficulties and you're helping him out in an entirely normal and kind way.
I hate laundrettes. When my washing machine broke friend were happy for me to drop a load off and I have done the same for friends and family happily. It may cost a little but it's (usually) not noticeable as most families will be using their washing machine so much anyway.

Is he usually so mean?

hellokittymania · 16/05/2017 19:38

You are definitely not being unreasonable, go right ahead and help your brother.

Original poster
Sixmix · 16/05/2017 19:38

He usually is a selfish bastard actually.

And he's a very private person so this apparent "invasion" of his home is probably making him worse.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 16/05/2017 19:39

Does your DH have any redeeming features. I often help out a reli with extra needs with washing , shopping etc DH never bats an eyelid and will even help out.

DarthMaiden · 16/05/2017 19:41

Your DH sounds utterly lacking in empathy and incredibly self centred.

He doesn't sound like a very appealing character in the slightest....

Original poster
Sixmix · 16/05/2017 19:42

I said to him "all I'm doing is some washing now and then" he accuses me of simplifying it.

Then he goes ahead and says

"Why should I go to work to support your brother"

Hmm that seems simplified to me

OP posts:
catcatcatcat · 16/05/2017 19:44

Sorry he's being so shit. My brother has had issues in the past with depression & some OD attempts. I'd be really sad if my DP wasn't supportive about it. No useful advice I'm afraid, is he nice to you generally your DH? He's not coming across too well....

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