Married to work

[missiondecision]

Is it foolish, deluded, stupid..... to end a 10 year relationship because your dp works all the time, out of choice? He's self employed but can pick and choose his hours to a large extent. I don't work, sahm to 4 and couldn't with the amount of hours he decides to work. Everything relating to the children and home falls on me.
My frustrations are that he doesn't have to do the hours he does. He's not saving lives or the world. To me it's selfish and show no consideration or value for me or our children.
I'm interested in people's views about this. Is it me that needs to change my stance?

Is he worried about money. Would he work less if you took a part time job?

It depends, have you told him this is how you feel? Is there anything he can do i.e. Hire someone else to help, or could you help him ?

Are you aware of all the finances? Could it be that he is worried about money? 4 children cost a lot I imagine?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? What was his response?

And yes, could you take some of the strain by suggesting a part time role?

I know a family like this and I feel so, so, sorry for the mum and kids. They are growing up without an engaged father.

I think you need to have a really serious conversation with him about this is not a happy family arrangement for you and the kids. Be prepared to compromise if money is a worry, as a PP mentioned, but make it clear this arrangement is not going to work much longer and that if things don't change it could be the end of this relationship.

Personally to avoid a super defensive reaction from him I would also try and come across as being willing to "work together" in one way or another to find a new arrangement so he doesn't feel that it's just him that has to change everything.

My dh is just like this, I work pt and have 2 children, I am also disabled and everything is a struggle. But dh says he does have to work these hours otherwise business would collapse and maybe it would. Is this a worry for your dh? Mine would pack it all in but it is a family business and that would cause too many family issues.

Do you know, really know the ins and outs of his business?
I ask because when setting mine up-the first couple of years meant I was at it constantly, even at home I was emailing/networking/booking/answering queries.
If I had taken my foot off the accelerator it would have been really poor for the business. I really struggled getting this through to my friends and family who thought it was all a 'choice'
Also the financial side - you have a big family and aren't in paid employment yourself, does he feel a huge responsibility to keep things going? Could you help out in any way to take some pressure off and therefore free him up for some quality time with you?

Thanks for your replies.
There are no money worries in the short term, his work is his retirement plan. Which I understand.
I'd like a part time job very much, he scoffs "it's not worth it". I have plans to start something when our youngest is at nursery soon. But his long hours just mean more work, for the sake of my principal, he doesn't care or even want me to work not really.
I don't want to say too much, but imagine he fixes train sets, he loves them and everything about them. He is making a living from his hobby, when he's not busy working, he's fiddling with his own "stuff". This is what makes his days so long and I've just worked out is not actually "working" but fannying about whilst I run myself ragged.
He knows how I feel.

Thanks for the replies. It's hard to see who said what and answer you personally, but I'm grateful for you all taking the time.
He does have a huge financial burden. I know that. I offered and tried many times to get involved, i's hard to explain but it's like he expects me to just know what to do. On top of that I'm still expected to work the same amount at home with children. He sees my time during the day as "spare" time.

Crunchy
Thanks for your reply. It's very sad for the children to just see their Dad but not really engage beicase he is just too busy with his own world.

I'd have a massive issue with someone who didn't want me to work. What's his reasoning?