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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a lack of joint account shouldn't mean one partner is worse off?

102 replies

Rainer · 15/05/2017 16:14

Brief to try and keep from whinging.

I work 22hr a week, with usually additional earnings from working extra.

Dh works full time. He brings home, even with my extra work, about £800 more than me.

Taking into account all our outgoings he has 350 odd more than I do.

I try and save a good chunk to try and afford a holiday. But lack of money in general means that for eg this month after all outgoings I'm left with ten pounds for spends. He has 347.

He says as I work less than him I should earn less and have less income. He offers to go part time and let me work full time but my job brings in less earnings.

He wants me to go through and try and make savings on the household budget, my bills have increased by 110 since Christmas. He's refused to help towards that additional costs.

Long and short, if you don't have a joint account, how do you split your money in a way that you feel is fair?

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2017 22:12

Mumzypopz, you're either deliberately missing the point to make some sort of straw man argument, being spectacularly dense, or desperate for a big pat on the back.

So you had to save "your" wages pre-dc to fund your very short mat leaves, did you?

If so, your relationship sounds shite. Certainly nothing to brag about.

Original poster

Rainer · 15/05/2017 22:24

Arethere - he says if I want to work full time I can and he will go part time. Haven't explored the details of if he'd be happy with the same financial arrangement yet.

I think we need to talk about having a joint savings account to contribute to equally for the expenses mentioned.

Thank you for all the opinions, believe it or not I didn't want a white wash of I'm right and he's wrong, I genuinely wanted to know what is the norm.

OP posts:

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 07:22

Aye, no, I didn't have to save my wages at all. I had enough, it didn't arise as an issue. I had contractual mat pay. It does exist you know. Not a straw man argument at all. There are millions of working mums out there in the world. I'm just one of them. I'm sorry if this doesn't work for you, but I just couldn't sit back and live off my husband's wage. I just couldn't. Sorry, but there you have it. Different strokes for different folks that's all.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 07:28

And aye....wasn't a case at all if completely having to....I wanted to....plus that's what women did. It was expected to get back to work, plus wanting to for my own self esteem. Don't call other people dense or make out they are stupid just because it doesn't work for you.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 16/05/2017 09:45

but why is there a wage gap? There isn't one in our household

Oh you're one of those Katie Hopkins types! "I'm doing great so why aren't all women as clever as me? It's their own fault if they aren't"

GF.

AyeAmarok · 16/05/2017 10:11

To think that a lack of joint account shouldn't mean one partner is worse off?

Chloe84 · 16/05/2017 11:09

Think it's the second, Aye

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 11:14

You are all so rude....not sure why you are against working mums so much....there are millions out there, I'm not alone. I've said all along different strokes for different folks etc, but you don't seem to consider this. ..it's your way or the high way eh.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 11:17

Notisaidthewalrus....sorry, no idea who Katie Hopkins is, I'm just a regular working mum doing my best, like millions of others.....

picklemepopcorn · 16/05/2017 11:35

No one is against working Mums, Mumzy.

In this situation, OP is limited in her earning because of child and house responsibilities.
She seems to pay a larger than 50% share of household costs, as she does the household organisation.
She is not paid for her additional 'wife work'.
He is paid for his additional work hours.

He is refusing to contribute his full share. HTH.

JennyHolzersGhost · 16/05/2017 11:43

Just stop feeding it ffs.

OP, you need to sort this and it sounds as though the only way is to start billing him a commercial rate for childcare. You've tried the mature and sensible approach and it hasn't worked so time he started realising the concrete economic contribution you make in stark terms. Price it up properly, bill him weekly. See how long it takes before he gets the message.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 11:56

Pickle....she hasn't said she pays more bills, she has said they pay a 50 percent share. I don't think he is refusing to pay his share ..he is paying his share. What he is not doing is giving her some of his spare money after he has paid his share of the bills. I get that she has said her son has health issues and this is why she has reduced hours I'm guessing.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 12:05

Sorry, posted too soon...was going to say as her son has health issues, it's understandable she works less hours as suitable childcare may not be available. It's just other cases get my goat a bit where mums choose to work less hours, when they could work more, then expect their husband to support them. It just feels a bit old fashioned and I'm not used to it as I've always worked and supported myself...but each to their own. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

clumsyduck · 16/05/2017 12:14

50/50 split for maybe a young couple not married no kids fair enough

But for a married couple with 3 dc when one parent is effectively allowing the other the freedom to work by been at home for childcare ( plus saving childcare costs ) a 50/50 split that leave someone with a tenner and the other with 350 quid is bollocks

AyeAmarok · 16/05/2017 12:31

Mumzypopz, nobody is "against working mums". You'll probably find most of us are working mums. I am. I also earn equal money. Bravo me.

But if one of you or your DH needed to be at home more, or it suited your family more for one of you to be home more, and either you, or your DH took the career/hours hit to do that, you would still expect that person to pay half of all costs, as well as picking up more/all of the home and childcare work?

Secondly, not all jobs pay the same. It's not all about effort; I am under no illusion that I work two/three/four times as hard as, say, a carer, despite what my salary says. If my DH was a carer, I wouldn't expect him to work 160 hours a week so we could "share bills equally". Nor would I expect my family to live the lifestyle of a minimum wage earner just so I didn't have to contribute more than 50% to the pot so I could spend my money on myself.

You should read The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith, you might learn something.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 15:10

Ayeamarok.....I don't need to read anything thanks, I'm perfectly happy with my situation. Neither I or my husband wants to give up hours to do childcare, and don't need to now as children are older anyway. So the situation hasn't arisen. I never wanted to do it because I never wanted to have to rely on my husband's wage.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 15:25

Aye...I clearly have a different view point from you. I'm happy with my viewpoint and don't need to change it, so please don't infer that I need to read something so as I may learn something. I'm not ignorant and our viewpoint works for us. I get it doesn't work for you and that's absolutely fine.

Parker231 · 16/05/2017 15:51

Mumzypopz - how would it work if a couple both work full time but one is on a salary of £60k and the other on £20k? Surely you wouldn't expect both to contribute 50% towards the household expenses?

Btw - I have always worked full time and give or take the years with promotions or better bonuses DH and I have earned roughly the same but have always contributed on basis of what we earn rather than a straight 50% so sometimes he pays 60% of the value of the bills and I pay 40%.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 16:08

Parker...can only answer for myself. If I was on 20k, I would want to pay equally and pay my bit. If 60/40 works for you, fine. 50/50 works fine for us in our household.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2017 16:44

Mumzypops. By your method, that means the quality of life for both of you has to decrease. Eg, one earns £20k, one £60k, both want to pay half. So you can only afford eg a mortgage based on 2 x 20k salaries to allow the 20k person to contribute half. Person on £60k lives in a smaller house than need be whilst saving £40k. Seems utterly pointless.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2017 16:46

Mumzypops - Your method only works if you both earn exactly the same salary, and Do same amount of childcare and housework. So it works for you, that's fine, but it isn't going to be a system that suits many, and certainly doesn't apply to op.

Roomster101 · 16/05/2017 17:19

It's very unfair. If you can afford it I would call his bluff and agree that you will work full time while he works part time and does all the childcare and everything else you do. I bet that he will back down if you do that.

Mumzypopz · 16/05/2017 17:35

Arethereanyleftatall.....that's fine, I haven't attempted to tell anyone else what to do. It's worked for me and our family, I can't answer for anyone else.

greenworm · 16/05/2017 17:40

Well we don't pool our earnings, DP earns a lot more than me and has more money to spend. But he also pays more bills, has a child to support (from previous relationship) and wouldn't see me go without, I have enough money for holidays etc without needing any from him. Your situation really doesn't sound nice, especially as you are married.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 16/05/2017 17:51

I find is sad that women will put up with such inequality. Don't you think you're worth more?

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