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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a lack of joint account shouldn't mean one partner is worse off?

102 replies

Rainer · 15/05/2017 16:14

Brief to try and keep from whinging. Grin

I work 22hr a week, with usually additional earnings from working extra.

Dh works full time. He brings home, even with my extra work, about £800 more than me.

Taking into account all our outgoings he has 350 odd more than I do.

I try and save a good chunk to try and afford a holiday. But lack of money in general means that for eg this month after all outgoings I'm left with ten pounds for spends. He has 347.

He says as I work less than him I should earn less and have less income. He offers to go part time and let me work full time but my job brings in less earnings.

He wants me to go through and try and make savings on the household budget, my bills have increased by 110 since Christmas. He's refused to help towards that additional costs.

Long and short, if you don't have a joint account, how do you split your money in a way that you feel is fair?

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 15/05/2017 17:12

As pp said, different methods work for different couples. For me and dh, things have always been shared, in a joint account. If it isn't working it needs to change, particularly if you are getting yourself into debt.

RainbowPastel · 15/05/2017 17:14

I earn nothing as a SAHM but all our money is joint to do with as we choose. You should not be paying half for everything when you don't earn as much. Your DH sounds like a miser.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 17:41

We both have separate accounts, but one joint account, we both put the same amount of money into joint account each month. Then we are both paying equally for everything. All bills come out of joint, but we each have our own money to do what we want to with.

gamerwidow · 15/05/2017 17:43

We don't have a joint account but split everything 50/50 including disposable income

PoisonousSmurf · 15/05/2017 17:47

I don't have a joint account. But DH pays into my account for any household expenses. He earns 5X more than me though.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 15/05/2017 18:08

Before we had the joint account, we just paid 50/50 each of all the bills.

It took some time to get used to a joint account as it's hard to shop in secret for presents etc.

Original poster
Rainer · 15/05/2017 18:31

Things have come to a bit of a head with my cash as our gas/electric has doubled due to various reasons out of my control which I plan to complain about. Various small amounts dh has said he would contribute towards and just hasn't ever started. He admits this.

His debts are well managed, debt management plan and secured loan close to completion.

He has been however getting slightly wealthier where as I have not and bills have gone up without any wage increases, well 1% at best for many years. Bout of ill health last year didn't help as we had made financial commitments we have to see through.

My debt should be serviceable. I'm paying off more than I need to. Holidays are non negotiable however, my job means I see the worst of life, we went many years with either nothing or a cheap caravan, even then spending money was an issue.

My son has health issues and since they were diagnosed I began to slot in extra shifts wherever I could to try and fund. However these now only cover the bare minimum and for eg, this month I had ten pounds left after all bills and trying hard to save.

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 15/05/2017 18:35

seperate accounts here my partner earns 6 times what i do i work part time, no children at home i pay for the food each week, he pays every thing else, i dont know what he spends his spare money on but whenever we go out he pays for the whole day, when it comes to holidays i pay half of the actual cost of the holiday he provides the spending money so proportionately he pays more towards the holiday, you shouldnt be skint because you work part time,

if your bills have gone up £110 a month since christmas it would only be fair that he contributes at least £55 towards that then at least you would have more money in your pocket, and yes i agree with him see where you are spending money that goes on unecessery items so you have more diposable income instead of frittering money on things you want rather than need

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 18:36

I can't imagine sharing both bodily fluids and genetic material with someone who wouldn't share money.
Stinginess and unfairness is deeply unattractive in anyone, let alone a partner.

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2017 18:40

Hang on, you are working extra shifts to pay for things which help your (shared?) DS's health issue, and your husband is sitting back, watching you live on a tenner, and keeping his £350 spends for himself?

Because if that's right, he's despicable.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 15/05/2017 18:49

Agree with aye

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2017 19:06

he's a twat.
Normal people with common sense understand that A household with children requires:

  1. Money
  2. Childcare
  3. Household maintenance (i.e. Cleaning etc)
A partnership of 2 divvies the three things up however works best for their family, each contributing more or less in each area. Any money left over gets split evenly after all outgoings have been paid for, whether you do that by a joint account or not. For a functioning adult to not understand that is frankly staggering.
Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 19:53

But why should any money left over after paying bills be split evenly? I've always thought a partnership means each puts in 50 per cent of money into the pot. If one earns more than the other, why should they subsidise the one who earns less?

MariposaNieve · 15/05/2017 20:18

The one who earns more should cover more bills.

Your income doesn't need to be the same, but the bills should be handed out in proportion.

So the one earning the most should perhaps pay the rent/council tax/childcare/car, and the one earning less the shopping/utilities/travel. You get the gist. Whatever works out as the most expensive bills go to the higher earner.

LagunaBubbles · 15/05/2017 20:28

A true partnership to me means sharing my life with some one - we share a bed, children etc so I can't imagine not sharing finances. I've always earned more than my DH in the 19 years we've been married. We share a bank account and it's always "our" money not "mine" and "his". It is not, never has been and never will be a question of me "subsidising" him and I find that way of thinking really odd.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/05/2017 20:34

Me and DH have a joint account and we have personal accounts.

Both our wages are paid into a joint account and then £400 is transferred to my personal account and £400 is transferred to my DH's account so we both have equal personal money.

Absolutely every bill/payment for anything to do with the house, car, food shopping, bills, mobile phones, our DS and any other possible outgoings come out of our joint account.

DH probably brings home about £700-£800 more than I do each month but he would never suggest he have more personal money than me because of it. A few years ago the bring home pay gap was even larger but again, we always had equal personal spending money transferred into our personal accounts.

There's no way he would ever think he 'deserves' more spending money than me.....it just wouldn't happen. Our joint income is family monty and we share it equally.

Trifleorbust · 15/05/2017 20:34

When my DH and I married, we said "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, til death parts us" etc. I meant it. He can have any money I earn, just as I expect to have any money he earns. If we started using language like "your money" or "my money" - Confused

43percentburnt · 15/05/2017 20:39

Mumzy, because I love my husband and children - they are just as important as me - they are certainly not second class citizens who deserve less money because I earn more. I love sharing with them. It's our money for us to enjoy.

Dh looking after the children enables me to work full time in a stressful role. I don't worry about the children because I know they are being taken care of.

I can't even imagine how it would work. Holidaying separately? Value beans in one pan, Heinz in the other?

Twentyten2010 · 15/05/2017 20:42

Mumzy - because sitting on £350 whilst your partner struggles on £10 is a dick move and if you would genuinely feel comfortable doing that on account of it being 'fair' then that makes you a bit of a dick too

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 20:42

But why should any money left over after paying bills be split evenly? I've always thought a partnership means each puts in 50 per cent of money into the pot. If one earns more than the other, why should they subsidise the one who earns less?

So if one person doesn't earn, or only earns enough to pay bills, they should have no money at all? Even when they are looking after the children?
I don't understand people who can think like this. It's inherently wrong.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 20:47

43percent....err who said anything about holidaying separately and eating different things....all our bills are paid out of joint account that we both put equal amount into each month, including payment if holidays. Any money we have left in our own separate accounts is ours and ours alone. Don't see why my husband should give me rest of his or I give him rest of mine.
Twenty ten...you are just being rude. Neither of us is struggling in a tenner a week.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 20:49

Notisaidthewalrus.....it works for us, maybe that's because we have both always worked, and we've both equally paid towards childcare.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/05/2017 20:51

Neither of us is struggling in a tenner a week.

And if you were?

Would you still not understand why finances should be shared equally? Or would you be happy to let your partner struggle because you don't see why he should be 'subsidised?'

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 15/05/2017 20:51

mumzy

twentyten is referring to the OP with the £10 comment, not rude at all

Parker231 · 15/05/2017 20:53

He is financially abusing you. All earnings into one bank account - bills paid from that account and then what is left is split 50:50 regardless of who earns what. You are not in an equal relationship - in are a lodger looking after his children. Are you on the mortgage and any savings accounts?