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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a lack of joint account shouldn't mean one partner is worse off?

102 replies

Rainer · 15/05/2017 16:14

Brief to try and keep from whinging. Grin

I work 22hr a week, with usually additional earnings from working extra.

Dh works full time. He brings home, even with my extra work, about £800 more than me.

Taking into account all our outgoings he has 350 odd more than I do.

I try and save a good chunk to try and afford a holiday. But lack of money in general means that for eg this month after all outgoings I'm left with ten pounds for spends. He has 347.

He says as I work less than him I should earn less and have less income. He offers to go part time and let me work full time but my job brings in less earnings.

He wants me to go through and try and make savings on the household budget, my bills have increased by 110 since Christmas. He's refused to help towards that additional costs.

Long and short, if you don't have a joint account, how do you split your money in a way that you feel is fair?

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 15/05/2017 20:54

I always had a separate account from my ex husband, I will never ever have a joint account with anyone. He earned double what I did however he paid for all the rent and utilities, I paid for the food shopping and it worked out that we had an equal amount each left after that. It's not fair that he leaves you struggling. If he wants separate accounts he should be contributing more towards the bills so you're not skint.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 20:56

Writer...if I was struggling on a tenner a week, I would welcome support temporarily until I ensured I did my utmost to earn more. I would no way ever expect my husband to support me for years on end if I was capable of earning, just like him.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 20:57

Rufus....twenty ten was absolutely referring to me.....headed it up mumzypops.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 15/05/2017 21:08

I try and save a good chunk to try and afford a holiday. But lack of money in general means that for eg this month after all outgoings I'm left with ten pounds for spends. He has 347

mumzy

Yes the post was directed at you but she was referring to the OPs comment above

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 21:11

I would no way ever expect my husband to support me for years on end if I was capable of earning, just like him

But you aren't as capable at earning when you are having children, and then when you are the primary carer.
What kind of partnership is it if you begrudge sharing money? Not much of one at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2017 21:12

Mumzy - your way only makes sense if neither of you do any more childcare or housework than the other.
As soon as one of you does more of that (as per the op), then they can't contribute as much to the finance pot.

In our house it makes sense financially and quality of life wise for both of us and our children that dh works and I sah. It's in all of our interests. It wouldn't cross dhs mind that it's his money. It's family money.

LagunaBubbles · 15/05/2017 21:14

See that's the difference because I don't see me earning more than my DH as "supporting" him financially either, we are a family.

Oldraver · 15/05/2017 21:18

I'm a SAHM, OH works fulltime salary almost three times mine. We share ALL....

Gillian1980 · 15/05/2017 21:22

Dh and I used to earn the same and things were split 50/50.

I went p/t after dd was born and now earn 1/2 what he does.

We have a sole account each and a joint account. All money for bills etc budgeted for then we each have equal amount of money in our sole accounts to use as we need/want.

Neither of us would feel comfortable having more disposable income than the other.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 21:26

Notisaidthewalrus... Perfectly capable of earning whilst having children, and who said I had to be the primary carer? Our partnership has worked great like this for twenty odd years. I get that other people do it differently, that's up to them. Mine works for us. I'm just as capable of earning as much as my husband.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 21:35

How nice for you. For most people thats not the case.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 21:40

Notisaidthewalrus....For most people that's not the case......
Im sorry, but I dont see why not, unless they have disabilities etc..... I'm not extra special, millions of women go to work, just like me.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 21:41

Anyway I get that what works for me, doesn't work for others and vice versa.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 15/05/2017 21:42

Don't be daft. You may be doing alright but don't pretend you've never heard of the wage gap and all that goes with it. You have eyes, look around you.

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2017 21:46

Mumzypopz, the point of a partnership, when you have DC, is that the overall effort should be split 50/50. Not the bills. It's called working together for the good of the family.

I hope you paid your DH back for "subsidising you" when you were on maternity pay. Otherwise you'd just be a big massive hypocrite.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 21:49

Notisaidthewalrus.....but why is there a wage gap? There isn't one in our household. I work just as hard as my husband and I would never think he should earn more than me just because he is a man.

Chloe84 · 15/05/2017 21:50

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at some posts on this thread.

OP, I agree with posters saying you are being financially abused. A family has a shared commitment to the wellbeing of the whole family, not just the person who earns the most.

Mumzypopz · 15/05/2017 21:52

Ayeamarok.....when I was on maternity leave there wasn't the year leave that there is now, there was an expectation to get back to work and that's what I did. Husband didn't give me any money, he didn't need to and I didn't ask him to. It just never arose. I had enough.
We do split the overall effort. Always have done, that's my point.

Scottishgirl85 · 15/05/2017 21:53

I can't understand families that don't have a joint account. Our wages go into personal accounts and then a standing order lifts almost everything out into the joint account. The only reason for our personal accounts is historical and it's handy when buying birthday presents so we can't see in advance what shop it's come from. I earn about £15k more than dh and wouldn't even for a second consider keeping that from him. I just don't get it!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 15/05/2017 21:57

I earn about a third more than DH, but all money is family money and we pay everything into joint accounts - one has my wages and one has his, in practice most of the bills come out of my wages and the general spends out of his because we get paid at different times of the month, but we don't treat it as separate, we have equal access to all of it. We both contribute to a savings account which we use for holiday money. We tend to discuss large expenditure such as appliances, cars, holidays, but other than that we spend as we see fit.

Original poster
Rainer · 15/05/2017 21:58

I think he's agreed to a £75 uplift. Which is half of the recent increases and money he committed to but never quite got round to.

In a few months we are due a lump sum which will be used to settled debts and free up some extra cash.

I've recently had a promotion at work which probably equates to the square root of fuck all but opens further increases.

I do try and work when even possible to increase our income. However he argues that as a full time shift worker he doesn't want to go without sleep to do the school run and won't give up the car so my options are limited. Obviously a second car is well out of the equation atm.

He argues that because I aim to put away around 400 pcm that our remaining money is equivical. However this is for birthdays, uniforms, Christmas insurance, employment costs to name a few as well as the much debated holiday. So really we are not talking big money for a holiday on the school holidays. We don't have the option of taking in term time as dh's job could be put under threat with a penalty notice.

He has been in the position, due to his uncontrolled spending and subsequent levels of debt where he has had to be in the position of asking for money and he hated it. I think this is in reaction to that. And I understand it, but don't appreciate 'gifts' when I become frustrated about my situation, I need help to stop the frustrating.

I think the other change I need to make is not to take on the role of organiser, where I incur the costs, mot, birthday parties, Christmas presents. He may give me money as we go along but it hasn't been proportionate so if it was I could save less and live more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainer · 15/05/2017 22:00

'stop the frustration'

OP posts:
supermoon100 · 15/05/2017 22:04

Mumzy so are you saying that if a nurse was married to a surgeon, for example, after paying your equal shares into the central pot, you have what is ever left over individually to spend on yourself. So this might mean the nurse buys her clothes from primark and surgeon buys his clothes prada? Thats an extreme example but is that what you mean ?!

GreyBird84 · 15/05/2017 22:07

I am part time - full time I would earn more but we both agreed I'm better in the house admin etc plus I like not having to commute 5 days a week.

Last year we over hauled our money. Both salaries go into joint then equal spends are transferred to our own accounts.

He sometimes makes a comment about how because he 'shovels' so much into the house he should get xyz when he doesn't have the money he wants to have but I quickly shut him up.

ISA savings & misc spends are also transferred - Christmas, birthdays, car insurance, MOT etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2017 22:09

Rainer - this still isn't fair. He needs to understand that if he 'doesn't want to do school runs' then you have to do it and this has a knock on effect to how much you can earn. He has to share all of his money. Buying uniforms and dc presents should come out of the joint pot, not yours.

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