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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family situation, how to handle?

79 replies

RibenaMonsoon · 15/05/2017 08:04

Morning
NC for this as DH knows my username and I really don't want to upset anyone. I'm just really needing some advice to see if I'm being U.

We are going abroad for Christmas next year to spend it with DH family. He immigrated to the UK 13 years ago.

Taking DS with us, he will have just turned 2 by then.

MIL is very excited about having a grandchild and so far she has visited for 3 weeks when he was born and we Skype regularly. I also send her pictures and videos of him via what's app.
I suggested we buy her a surprise plane ticket for her birthday this year to come over for DS first birthday as I want both sets of grandparents to be there.

She is asking that myself and DH leave him with her for a week when we visit on Christmas and go off and have "a break".

Now I'm grateful for the offer and perhaps a romantic 1 overnight stay somewhere would be lovely for us but I don't want to leave my 2 year old son for a whole week.
It will be new surroundings for him in a new country, being left with someone he doesn't know very well.
When she suggested it, my husband immediately said, maybe 1 or 2 days will be lovely. But she's insisting on a week.

I adored both sets of my grandparents and they passed away when I was quite young. I want DS to know both sets of grandparents and have a wonderful relationship with them like I did mine.

AIBU when I say no to a whole week? I know she's overseas and rarely sees him. I know that the distance is difficult for her and she loves DS so much. But I don't consider a week away from my son "a break". To me it would be hell on earth, especially at Christmas time.
Plus it will be unsettling for him, he will have only ever have seen them on Skype and his first birthday prior to this visit.

Some advice on whether I'm BU and if not, how to deal with this without upsetting anyone would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/05/2017 09:42

She might just be excited & not thinking.

If so, why would she keep insisting on a week?

Or is she really insisting or just doing an annoying hint?

QuinoaKeen · 15/05/2017 09:44

She's doesn't get to insist as she is not the parent. Rude moo.

laureywilliams · 15/05/2017 09:44

Unless he's a very, very relaxed baby I wouldn't even do a night. She's a stranger to him!

Plus you'd need to see how he gets on with her then decide.

QuinoaKeen · 15/05/2017 09:46

She

Original poster
RibenaMonsoon · 15/05/2017 09:47

Thank you for your replies and advice.
To answer some of your questions

DH isn't being very vocal about it which is unusual for him. He will always take my side when it comes to DS so that won't be an issue.

I think he feels a bit sad and guilty that MIL doesn't see him as much as my parents do.

When they were skyping yesterday she said my parents were very lucky to see him so often and was very inquisitive as to how much time they spent with him per week.

She was very keen for us to have children and nagged us alot about wanting grandchildren. (we didn't have DS untill 3 years into the marriage)

I know she is just excited and is worried that he won't know her. She wants him to feel the same for her as any child would for their grandmother which I totally understand. She is a lovely lady and we've always got on well. She just likes to be the one organising everything and everyone which I've never had a problem with as I'm crap at that lol.

It is a long haul flight. South Africa.

I'll be as accommodating as I can but I will stand my ground if DS needs are compromised.

I like the idea that we spend the majority of the holiday all together and then see how he is with her and take it from there.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/05/2017 09:51

At the end of the day, she can't force you to go & stay elsewhere & leave him with her!

Are you staying with her?

Original poster
RibenaMonsoon · 15/05/2017 09:51

We are also staying with her the entire holiday. So she will be seeing him all day every day anyway.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/05/2017 09:54

x postGrin

Well she can be up with him whilst you two have a lie in, get showered, dressed.

You two can take quite a back seat so she can be quite hands on with him.

A1Sharon · 15/05/2017 09:57

Why not just explain how you feel? He is too young to be left for a week, but you are happy to build time up over the holidays, so she can have him whilst you go for a walk, then maybe go out shopping or for lunch, then she can put him to bed one evening if you went for a drink or dinner...over time he should settle ok and you could maybe do a night?
but reassure her that as he gets older you would be happy to leave him for longer spells? And one day you will be happy to go for a week or whatever.

whatcanIdo1 · 15/05/2017 10:01

I dont understand why GP need to have DC alone to think they spend quality time with them. I dont know why they ask the impossible and put the DP in impossible situations.

Its been asked of me too and I resent it. It seems to me totally self serving to ask to have such a small dc alone for a whole week with no thought to their actual needs and wants. Yes she may be over excited but I wonder if any posters on here would actually make such demands of their own DC when they go onto have GC? I know I wouldn't. Just tell you you will see how things go when there and if they seem to get on well - then you will consider a night away no more.
Two year olds can be very funny with people they dont know what if he totally freaks out and takes agaisnt granny? Then you have signed him up for the night and she may not care she freaks him she just wants to get her hands on him?
Enjoy your holiday with her op, but dont sacrifice your sons well being, he will have a lovely time with granny with you there. The other problem is - when grannies are so grasping, do you think you can trust her if your son kicked off and wanted you back> In my experience such grannies lie and pretend everything is fine when actually DC not happy there.

CotswoldStrife · 15/05/2017 10:03

No, I can kind of understand her feelings but she is a stranger to your child and I wouldn't leave him overnight with her tbh. In the circumstances, how much time he spends with his other grandparents is not comparable even if - as I suspect - you've left your DS with your own parents before which is why she is asking. I think you need to be firm from the outset that a week is not on the cards at all.

HazelBite · 15/05/2017 10:06

Op I don't know how old MIL is but the reality of how much a toddler takes it out of her (physically) may not be at the fore front of her mind.
perhaps when she comes over for his birthday your DM could comment on "How very tiring looking after GS is".
Perhaps by next Christmas you will be able to play it by ear a bit, she may find an active 2 year old boy a bit of a handful, and she may change her mind about a week.
Perhaps say to her, "lets wait and see how we all feel about it when we visit, as a lot can change in 18 months"
Be wise don't say yes or no at the moment!

ohfourfoxache · 15/05/2017 10:10

I don't think yabu at all. At 2 years old he probably is just a bit too young (DS is 2 and there is no way he'd be ready for a week apart- yours may well be different but DS is all I can gauge this by!)

You could explain that you're not saying "no, never", just that he's too young at the moment.

Karatecas · 15/05/2017 10:12

When my DS1 was 19mths old, my DP and I went on holiday for 5 days leaving him with my MiL, who he knew very well and I trusted implicitly. Both DP and I missed our DS. However, when we got back we had a little boy who wouldn't come to either of us for another 6 hours and was hooked on a dummy (he'd never had one before this visit). It took a month to wean him off the dummy and it took 6 months before I could leave him with anyone without him screaming.

Fast forward to my grandchildren. The 4 yr old now stays occasionally for a few days and loves it but he is 4 and understands it is a treat for him as well as us. We have built up to the latest 3 nighters and when he was under 3 we only ever had him for a maximum of 2 nights. It was all he could cope with without his parents. We have recently overnight babysat for our 18mth old DGS, his parents left early Saturday and came home for Sunday evening dinner. He loved it and we loved it and it wasn't long enough for him to feel abandoned. YANBU.

MsGameandWatch · 15/05/2017 10:12

Absolutely not.

Cheby · 15/05/2017 10:15

You're being more accommodating than I would be OP. I think I would respond with the truth in a no nonsense way:

'don't be silly MIL, he will be just 2 and won't know you well. He would be distressed and I have no desire to be away from my child for that long so neither of us would enjoy it. You'll see him everyday while we are there, and by the end of the visit if he is is comfortable we might try one night'

Jux · 15/05/2017 10:25

Well, it's easy to organise one-night away, and no more. If she gets upset about it, remind her that he's only two, that she has many years to look forward to and that you will be doing your best to ensure they have a close relationship. As he gets older, he will be able to spend more alone time with her, but that now he's too young and it may do more harm than good, that you all need to avoid him associating granny with parental abandonment.

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/05/2017 10:27

it's really weird to insist on such a long time, a whole week, with a 2-year-old that you don't know well. they are a ton of work.

you don't think there's anything she wants to do that she wouldn't want you to know about, do you? (circumcision...? travel to other family?) probably nothing to worry about but it seems so unusual to insist like that! yanbu.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/05/2017 10:29

Just to be clear - this is for Christmas 2018 ? I think it's so far off that you don't even need to specify arrangements til a lot closer to the time. If she brings it up just do tinkly little laugh and say 'oh gosh it's not for ages yet, let's see how [kidname] is doing nearer the time before we make detailed plans'.
Bear in mind that she doesn't know you're planning to buy her a surprise flight over for the 1st birthday party so she's probably feeling sad that she won't be there for that. Would it be better to tell her in advance that you'd like to fly her over for it ? So she knows you're thinking of her ?

CoraPirbright · 15/05/2017 10:39

How long are you going for? If its for, say, 2 weeks, I think I might see how it went and then, if you think it might be ok, book just one night away at the very end of it. But as for a week - hell would freeze over before that would happen! It's far, far too long and she can 'insist' all she likes - it ain't gonna happen if the mother says no!!

Original poster
RibenaMonsoon · 15/05/2017 10:39

I don't think she wants to do anything untoward with him. DH is an only child and she split up with FIL years ago. The only thing I can think of is that she may regret only having had one child.

I'll talk to DH about perhaps telling her sooner about his birthday visit. It's in October so it's not far away now.

I agree I think it'll do more harm than good. He will associate granny with his parents leaving him. I don't want that.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 10:59

I was about to make exactly that point OP. I think even leaving him for a night with her when he doesn't know her very well could massively backfire for all of you.

He's already going to be on holiday and out of his comfort zone etc. Granny is going to be a new and possibly a tiny bit in his face presence before you even get started. You want him to get to know her and grow to love and trust her. I can't think of a WORSE way to do that than to up and leave him with her oversnight when you've never left him before. How's Granny going to feel when he screams himself to sleep that night, hurls himself sobbing into your arms on your return and spends the rest of the holiday getting hysterics if she so much picks him up/takes him out of your sight to play?

It's a really silly idea, he will be stressed and will possibly associate her with a traumatic event, which would be a real shame. He certainly won't enjoy it, so put your foot down and try and maybe explain the above to her. If she poo-poos it, I'd lose sympathy at that point tbh - he's not a doll for her to play with, much as I understand her position.

You'd be laying down a far stronger basis for their relationship by letting her be in there with him but making sure you're about and he feels safe with her because you/DH are also around. He's going to be much more relaxed and happy to get to know her in that situation.

I'm a bit surprised that she doesn't see that aldready but hopefully she will if you outline it to her!

PocketNiffler · 15/05/2017 11:30

Sorry is your baby only a couple of months old? Which Christmas are you going? Either way, I wouldn't worry yet, any time she mentions it say you'll see how ds is nearer the time.

It would be nice for her to have some time alone with your son (it is different without parents hovering). I would suggest that in the last week of your time with her (once your daughter is comfortable wit her), you and your husband go out together for a good chunk of each day on day trips but be there morning and evening, maybe with one overnight.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/05/2017 11:33

Maybe if you tell her about coming over for the birthday party you could also suggest it would be a good opportunity for her to take the baby out somewhere for a couple of hours - build up slowly, that kind of thing ? She would probably be very excited with the thought!

Fluffyyellowone · 15/05/2017 12:06

Suggest a weekend in the middle? one or two nights? otherwise you are leaving your child with a stranger. Emphasise that you will take the opportunity for nights outs etc and appear very grateful.

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