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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family situation, how to handle?

79 replies

RibenaMonsoon · 15/05/2017 08:04

Morning
NC for this as DH knows my username and I really don't want to upset anyone. I'm just really needing some advice to see if I'm being U.

We are going abroad for Christmas next year to spend it with DH family. He immigrated to the UK 13 years ago.

Taking DS with us, he will have just turned 2 by then.

MIL is very excited about having a grandchild and so far she has visited for 3 weeks when he was born and we Skype regularly. I also send her pictures and videos of him via what's app.
I suggested we buy her a surprise plane ticket for her birthday this year to come over for DS first birthday as I want both sets of grandparents to be there.

She is asking that myself and DH leave him with her for a week when we visit on Christmas and go off and have "a break".

Now I'm grateful for the offer and perhaps a romantic 1 overnight stay somewhere would be lovely for us but I don't want to leave my 2 year old son for a whole week.
It will be new surroundings for him in a new country, being left with someone he doesn't know very well.
When she suggested it, my husband immediately said, maybe 1 or 2 days will be lovely. But she's insisting on a week.

I adored both sets of my grandparents and they passed away when I was quite young. I want DS to know both sets of grandparents and have a wonderful relationship with them like I did mine.

AIBU when I say no to a whole week? I know she's overseas and rarely sees him. I know that the distance is difficult for her and she loves DS so much. But I don't consider a week away from my son "a break". To me it would be hell on earth, especially at Christmas time.
Plus it will be unsettling for him, he will have only ever have seen them on Skype and his first birthday prior to this visit.

Some advice on whether I'm BU and if not, how to deal with this without upsetting anyone would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 15/05/2017 08:39

surprised that a parent would even ask Shock
they dont really know each other.

WateryTart · 15/05/2017 08:44

Make it clear before you go that it won't be happening.

If your DH won't back you up tell him you won't go at all then.

ChasedByBees · 15/05/2017 08:45

Absolutely not. Some children would be ok, but others wouldn't be - I know when I used to go away for business my DD was very upset and that was with my DH there!

You could frame it as being the best for your DC. "He would be very unsettled without us and we all want to enjoy Christmas together with you."

As everyone has said, she doesn't get to insist.

diddl · 15/05/2017 08:49

Why does she want him alone?

I really don't get it.

Does she not want to see you two as well??

If you dn't want to do it then it's a no-for whatever reason or for no reason!

Tbh I'd be pissed off that my husband immediately jumped in with 1 or two days-I wouldn't be promising anything!

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 15/05/2017 08:51

I agree with everyone- she probably has quite a romantic notion of looking after a small child which is out of touch with the reality of what it's like to care for a small child away from its parents and crying 'mumeeee' all day and night.

I see someone has mentioned circumcision as a possible week-long motivation, it's not unthinkable. My MIL wanted desperately to get my dds ears pierced as it's normal in their culture, and was trying to get my dd away from me for an hour or two for exactly this reason. I'm afraid I raised my voice to her to shout 'no' once I found out, and I didn't leave her in sole care ever, not just because of that, but she really did not have the skills or the mobility to care for a toddler who might be running off. I did take them all to the park and let her 'take charge', same in restaurants, and so forth, but with myself hovering about. Safety can also be different in a different culture and you have to be comfortable with that.

After having seen what the children are actually like, and now they are older, they don't want to have them at all!

chocatoo · 15/05/2017 08:52

I would just say 'thank you for the offer but definitely no thanks - I would miss DS far too much'

NotMyPenguin · 15/05/2017 08:53

YANBU! She's essentially a stranger to your child, and you're both the people he's securely attached to. Your two year old would be miserable, you'd be miserable. Stick to your guns if it doesn't feel right!

beingsunny · 15/05/2017 08:54

I live on the other side of the world to my sons both sets of family.

My MIL was a bit like this.

At two he's too young for a whole week.

I suggest leaving her for whole days, get up have breakfast and go out for the day, she wants quality time so give her plenty and enjoy your freedom, have long lunches with friends and dinners, you don't really need to be away-away for that.

If it's all going well book a hotel for a night or two at the last minute.

For now, stick with 'let's see how it goes' Tell her of your plans to head out for days and a possible overnight.

Don't stress, she can't make you do anything and you can just ignore it GrinWink

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/05/2017 08:56

YANBU but MIL is being VVVVVVVU.

No!

It will be incredibly stressful for you & therefore the opposite of a break, just a huge source of anxiety.

I've no doubt that if you did agree (why the hell would you?) your DS would feel extremely stressed also. The likely fall out being that you would have a very insecure and clingy DS, who will be anxious that you are going to leave him, and won't be able to cope with you even leaving the room.

Of course, he might love it and wave you off - but it would have been too big a risk for me to want to chance with my DCs even if they were considerably older than 2 yrs.

NellieFiveBellies · 15/05/2017 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WindyScales · 15/05/2017 09:00

I echo what Foureyesarebetterthantwo says up thread.

My PIL stayed recently for a week. I have 4 and 2 yr olds. PIL were absolutely shattered! They didn't know what hit them.
My 2 yr old is a total handful and a nightmare when taken to shops, restaurants, walking down the street. Basically anywhere other then the park, playground, soft play or in our home.
I dont think PIL will be asking to have the kids on their own any time soon Grin

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/05/2017 09:01

What does your DH think about this?

The more I think about this, the more bizarre it seems.

To a 2 year old - a week could seem like a year, times that by 10 if it's a week with someone they don't know, in a place they don't know without all their home comforts around them and their usual routine.

I've just re-read your OP to check that I understood it right....I did. it definitely says a week as in 7 days!!!! HmmConfusedShock

jacketej · 15/05/2017 09:02

I'd not want to leave my 2 year old with my parents who he knows really well unless I desperately had too for some reason.
I can see why MIL would want to spend time with him and the offer is a lovely gesture i.e. Giving yourself and OH a break. I'd imagine after a few days there your LO will really warm to them as they will be constantly there.
Maybe go for the can we see how he is when we get there, travelling on a plane, being away from home etc? Then just go away for day trips etc and maybe leave him with them? That would be a compromise. A few nice meals out and some couples time?

Leonardo44 · 15/05/2017 09:06

YANBU at all. Just say you wouldn't be comfortable leaving him that long. Any reasonable person would understand that.

My 2 year old would be beside himself being left for a week without us.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 09:10

No way in this situation would I have left dd overnight at 2. Little children can do very silly and unpredictable things that we as parents can mostly anticipate because we know our child. Just because your mil has had children, it doesn't mean she will know your child well enough to have him for prolonged periods. And that's without all the separation issues and him probably being too tiring for her to look after.

Aebj · 15/05/2017 09:12

I wouldn't . Slightly different I suppose but when I had ds 2 , ds 1 was just shy of his second birthday. My parents looked after him in our house. Although he was happy the first night , ds 1 was distraught the second night. He had seen my parents almost weekly for 5 months by this stage. ( dh navy hence why he wasn't home).
A week would of been two much.
Go away for 1 night .

Mulberry72 · 15/05/2017 09:15

YANBU at all.

No way would I leave DS for a week with someone he barely knows, stick to your guns, it sounds as if your DH is on your side which is good.

To use the old MN quote "No is a complete sentence".

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/05/2017 09:15

No way would I have left either of mine when they were so little with anyone else, even if they did know them well, for a whole week!

Maybe ONE night, once your dc has got to know them and the place is familiar, but not even that if you're not happy with it.

Seems to be a Thing in some cultures for parents to dump their dcs on grandparents - even ones they didn't see much - and go away, Lived in a Med-country community for many years and they thought nothing of it. One friend left her 4 week old dc with her mother for a whole month while she and her Dh went on holiday! Will never understand how she could do that.
And when my folks came to visit - THEIR holiday - it was assumed by several of the community that I would swan off, do my own thing, and leave everything including dds to my mother.

fuckwitery · 15/05/2017 09:22

I really don't see the problem. Have left mine for 4/5/6 days at a time at that age and younger. I missed them more than they missed me!!

But if you're really worried why don't you play it by ear? You're there for 3 weeks. See how their relationship is by week 2 and book something for the end bit if you're happy with their relationship. You'll then be in a much better position to decide how long for.

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/05/2017 09:23

No way would I have left my dc at 2yrs old for a week. YANBU. 1 night maybe 2 but certainly not a week.

shinyredbus · 15/05/2017 09:27

Yeah just no. They are virtually still strangers no matter how much you FaceTime or Skype them - and this is coming from someone who uses ft every day for about half and hour to her parents! My children see my parent every single day but when we do visit them - my daughter is still apprehensive because she's doves not 'know them', she'll be friendly but she won't be left with them. We're going up for a few weeks soon and already she's asking us not to leave her with grandma and papa. My mum on the other hand is saying we need to leave the kids with her for longer so they get used to them. Just no. Good luck OP - stand your ground!

MerryMarigold · 15/05/2017 09:29

I was going to say similar to a PP. Don't do anything till maybe the last week. See how they are getting on. Maybe go out for a meal so she does bedtime, and a couple a day trip which lasts a few a hours, in a week 2 and see how she gets on and how ds is (you should be able to tell by observing him). If he's ok, by week 3 when she is no longer a stranger, you could do 1-2 nights. But I would definitely not do a week.

I think it makes a big difference whether you will be staying with them or in a hotel. If it's a hotel, maybe she's worried she won't see a lot of him.

MatildaTheCat · 15/05/2017 09:32

I have three brothers all of whom are married to women from different cultures and GP living far away. It's difficult. They Skype and visit but the relationship takes longer to build ( they have big language barriers as well).

There will be many cultural differences as well as almost every part of normal life for a two year old. The food will be different...everything. I'm assuming it's long distance since the real life visits are so infrequent.

So YANBU to refuse to commit to any overnights and be clear that whilst you are all excited for them to spend time together, a little boy needs mummy and daddy close by. As the visit progresses you might get away for lunch etc. Any of my DC that itself would have been an achievement but yours may be less Velcro.

Anyway keep her real. Smile

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doristhedodo · 15/05/2017 09:42

I know some people do but I could not have left my dcs for that long with anyone when they were that small. I don't think they would want to have been left either.