In wanting to just give up with stepchildren now

[well]

I have name changed for this as I know it may sounds a bit harsh but I am at a loss as to what more I can do.
I was introduced to my husbands children 7 years ago and they were, understandably I thought at the time, quite horrid to me - didn't ever say hello, used to make really cutting comments to me and their Dad (they were 7 and 12 at the time). I used to really persevere, help with homework, make cakes, clear up after the mess they deliberately made and generally be sweet and understanding although when they would leave I would cry my eyes out. I know their Dad got together with me quite soon after the split so I really tried to be as nice and kind as I could but they almost seemed poisoned against me before the'd even met me and some of the things they would say to me and their Dad sincerely were just horrendous.
This has sowly faded over the years and I have become more resilient, we have kept regular consistent contact cook lovely food when they come and I still make an effort although their Mother has made things really difficult for us over the years for other financial reasons, but hey we get on with our lives.
Now I have recently had a baby (6 weeks) and they seemed OK with it, although recently things have again reached boiling point for financial issues and their Mum has said that basically they s me off, say they hate coming to see us, that I take their Dad away and won't let him speak to them (such a lie I always make myself scarse so they have time with him) that we argue (just had a baby no sleep v hard!) and that I snatch the baby away (a newborn crying I am meant to leave???!!^&) and that they still hate me basically. I feel so betrayed at these lies, they have actually described incidents that happened but totally twisted to make me look bad. I have been nothing but kind to them through really testing times and now feel like I just want to bow out and let them get on with it I can do no more, I actually want nothing more to do with them but maybe this is wrong which is why I am putting it out here - DH feels hurt too and in a really difficult position as always.
Please go easy with your opinions - I am feeling a bit fragile

Sorry if I missed the detail of how frequently they come to stay, but assuming that they come on alternate weekends, is there any way that could be changed, to maybe 10 am to 5pm, on just one day per fortnight, your dh could take them out somewhere (or, if convenient to you, maybe you could go out), then return them to their mums.

That way, they'd still see their dad but you wouldn't have to have any contact.

It sounds like you've bent over backwards to be nice, and suspect that their mum has influenced them against them, combined with normal teenage stroppiness.

Don't feel bad, I think you've been more than reasonable and if they want to keep up the relationship with their dad they'll have to change the arrangements.

Aaaah sweetie, step kids can be SUCH hard work. I guess yours must be 14 and 19 now.

From reading your thread it sounds as if BM is having a lot of input into twisting their opinions of you. Also if they are that age there are manipulative teenagers and will do ANYTHING to get what they want. Although feel 19 is a bit old to be behaving like that

You say you feel you should bow out....I think you should do that for a period of time to let things cool down.

1. You have just had a baby, apart from being completely knackered all the time, you will be also hormonal, AND if it is your first, they take some adjusting to.....from my experience, in a few months your baby will help reunite you with dsk, as they will fall in love with him/her. This happened in my situation, and I did a lot of reading about stepfamilies and it is often cited in there as a "bonding" thing.

2. Bowing out, means leaving dh to deal with problems, whilst you are still around. It is called abdicating responsibility in stepfamily jargon. Be pleasant to them when they are there, but if they start, back off and leave dh to deal with probs.

3. BM sounds like a controlling women, and I think this is the source of your problems TBH

4. Cuddle and cuddle your new baby. You delivered her, you are allowed to cuddle him/her as often as you want. They will get a turn, you are the mother of him/her not them. If they don't like it then tough cookies to them, they are not little children after all

5. Dh will always be in an awkward postion, they always are.

6. Life with your LO will get better, and then I think your whole life will improve.

7. We have had probs as stepfamily (everyone does), but they all ADORE dd age 8 months, and it has really pulled everone together in a way nothing else has.

Thinking of you xxx

But aren't your stepkids now 19 and 14? And they still let their mum speak for them????

I feel for you, you sound like a wonderful patient person. I'm also a stepmum but have not had half the grief you had. I did get a lot of crap at the beginning, not least from ex and my DP (yes, no support there!) but for the sake of my sanity I learnt to detach. My SS gets fed, has a bed here etc. but I no longer go out of my way to please either him or my DP as it got thrown in my face so many times it's not true.

TBH, I think the idea of bowing out and letting them get on with it is not bad, maybe that'll give them time to miss all you've been doing for them and re-evaluate the situation. Concentrate on your baby, she's the one who needs you now, and if the stepkids want anything to do with her or you they'll have to make the first move.

On the other hand if you really want to salvage something you could have a family discussion., It sounds like you have a supportive DH and that's already half the battle. Could you not all sit down together and talk about what's going on? Your stepkids are certainly old enough to express themselves eloquently and maybe none of what the ex says is true. Do they realise their mother is saying these things?

Look, of course they aren't going to tell their mother that they like you, they adore the new baby and you are kind. They know how badly that would go down at home. It is likely she pumps them for information the minute they get back and they tell her what she wants to hear, not realising she is going to gleefully tell you. Rise above it. If they are complaining about not cuddling the baby enough that means they actively want to be involved and love their new sibling. How about working on that? Actually, I suspect his ex is pretty upset about the new baby. Are you younger than she is? Maybe she would have liked more and in envious. Maybe she is worried her children will get less affection or be less less important to their dad now. Try not to take it so personally - think about other reasons why people are saying what they say, particularly the children who may be teenagers but are still in a difficult position. Really encourage them to relate to their new baby sibling - let them push the pram and show the baby off to their schoolfriends, let them feed the baby if you are bottle feeding or expressing. Point out similarities between their baby photos and those of your new baby. A new baby can be a wonderful way to cement a stepfamily - your baby is now a blood relative of your stepchildren.
Also, remember you had a baby only six weeks ago and aren't sleeping. So you are much, much more emotionally fragile. Try to keep calm about this and enjoy your baby.

Ahhh Well, My step kids are now 18 and 24................i have been there and back with them and i know exactly the feelings you have. If you want to talk more about it I will happily listen XXXXX

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Interesting article on the stepkids issue here

I think that's a horrible article by a really horrible, selfish woman.

Words of wisdom on this thread.
Similar issues 8 years ago.
Wasted alot of precious time and energy being angry and bitter about my situation,
There were ups and downs all along.
Enjoy your baby and take care of you at this important time
Best wishes.

I cringed all the way through reading that article at the weekend. What kind of selfish, horrible person puts her own feelings before those of blameless children by making them so public?

Yes, I agree - she clearly has no innate parental instincts and one day those kids are going to grow up and find out what she thought. It's less what she thinks that bothers me, it's the writing about it in the Guardian in a "aren't I brave?" sort of way. Sorry - a bit of a hijack. Back to the OP - if your baby is only 6 weeks then you're bound to be feeling fragile, tired, emotional etc. Try not to blame them too much - their mother obviously has some issues with the whole thing and that on its own must be hard for them to cope with. Plus they must be a bit jealous of the new baby. I was a horrendous step-daughter and always, always took my mother's side even when I basically knew she was wrong because I didn't want to hurt her any more than I felt my DF already had - as a kid these things always seem very black and white. It must be exhausting for you, but try to just enjoy your baby.

I have been stepmother for 11 years now.
I really do love them.
Took a while though.
Becomming a mother myself helped.
Would like to say that i behaved in a mature fashion at the beginning, but i was very jealous.....very destructive emotion!

exactly, bundle, how awful for her step children.

well, I agree with what people have said; you're maybe giving their mum too much power in this situation...can you insist that your dh deals with her for a good while...and he doesn't need to be repeating any vitriolic stuff to you right now, you have a baby to be coping with.

and I think keep your eyes on one target; you've now got the baby to, as others have said, cement and link the family...do work on building their bond together....if the baby is crying, sit with them and agree a plan of action; I KNOW how hard it is to hear your baby cry, but I'm sure if you just took half a minute to say "oh, what do you think he wants? Just been fed, so can't be hungry...is his nappy wet do you think?" etc etc, then I'm sure the kids will be willingly handing over said baby to be dealt with, rather than feeling you take the baby from them as soon as there's crying...

just keep focussed on one priority, that's plenty for now I think. And attempt to NOT speak to this woman, if you can do this without it being another stick she can use to beat you with. Make your dh step right up there, while you cope!

my sister is in this position children are younger though she is dreadfully unhappy and wishes they werent around, their mother puts all these ideas in their head I think, and twists things

my sis does every thing she can not to be there when they are including viiting me for days in the holidays

I have no advice because I can't help her and I so wish I could but you arent alone

all the best

well I think Aloha gives you very good advice. She is usually fairly helpful on the stepchildren thing. It is true that the children must have feelings for your baby if they are wanting to cuddle etc so that is a good starting point. Although also maybe they feel a bit unsure about their place in their Dad's affection and unfortunately take that out on you.

As for that article - what a total cow. If you have an affair with a married man with children what do you expect to happen? If the children are 9 and 5 now, then 4 years ago they were 5 and 1. And to go public.

Forming a positive relationship with the mother helped our situation.
She was in a bit of a mess too.
Swallowed my pride.
DH found it hard to be with us both in the same room though!

You have a new baby. That is a terribly hard time for anyone.
Teenagers can be absolutely dreadful. It's how they are made. I've got three through that stage and even as a parent who loves them they are very very difficult and testing at times. It must be much harder as a step mother.

It is often not a good plan for people to date others who already have children as it can lead to these kinds of problems which is why some women want a man without children already and I bet most who go ahead have no idea how hard it is, particularly if they haven't been a parent of teenagers before. You have to remember most of all that they are children, particularly the 14 year old and that they didn't choose for their parents to split up.

Also if their father can't really afford to have another baby and probably woudln't have afforded it if he had stayed with their mother it can feel a bit awful that their own financial position is made worse because he's decided to do something he cannot afford.

I have teenage step-children and 2 of them are great and adore dd the third is a 16 yr old girl who hasn't spoken to her dad in 3 yrs and only seen dd once. She is generally obnoxious but it is not her fault.
Her mum is a hugely damaged individual who has rejected her ds because he had the nerve to love his dad and not think he was evil for leaving her. Dsd 1 who is 20 and goes to Uni has no trouble standing up to her and maintains an ok relationship with her but probably a better one with her dad tbh.

Dsd 3 obviously doesn't have the confidence to stand up to this mad woman and thinks that if she does she will be rejected by her This is such a pity because we enjoy lots of really happy times together as a step-family and there is one glaringly obviously empty seat at the table.
I can only imagine that when she is older she will be pretty angry with her mum for putting this kind of unfair pressure on her

Basically what I am trying to say is that the advice here is right, give them space for a time, do your own thing and try to understand what it may be like to have a needy parent who really doesn't want to hear that things at her ex's house are ok.

oh, that's helpful xenia. the original poster should go back in time, and change all her life decisions.

Sorted, thanks for that. She's specifically said she's feeling fragile and she's got a new baby; I think we're looking to be a little more constructive than that.

Sorry, you're right. Can't undo what is done but assurance to the children about income might help, that not only will it not be reduced but could be increased for example, mother going back to work etc, their university studies could be funded. They may be there worried sick never mind also thinking their inheritance will now be divided by 3 not 2.

well, money had not even entered my HEAD as something anyone was thinking about here! Xenia, it's time you got out of the office more! Life is not all about money!

I would think they were shallow beyond belief if they thought about how the baby might impact on their life financially. That's simply not the way most people think!

Thanks for all your kind and helpful responses - I have a lot to chew on.
I am going mad in OP with the ages of SK they are now 13 and 16 (forgive my new baby non working brain) I can't help but take things personally considering some of the lies have been said about me - I just want to know why they have lied, to what benefit? I have actively encouraged the relationship with the new baby - they even came to the hospital days afetr a v traumatic birth, I am exsausted can they not see? That is why there have been a few arguments - nothing serious! ( I think they are old enough to see this). All I did was nicely say "I'll take her now I think she is a bit upset" when I took LO away what was so wrong in that?
I think I have made up my mind - I will still encourage relationship with LO whenever they want but I have done all I can with them for now - too tired to worry liek I have been..
ps I think the article is v harsh but I can see some of her POV - it is a taboo not too "love" your SK sometimes
x

Well'
Go get some sleep!
I am sure your SK will soon come to realise what they are missing out on.