In wanting to just give up with stepchildren now

[well]

I have name changed for this as I know it may sounds a bit harsh but I am at a loss as to what more I can do.
I was introduced to my husbands children 7 years ago and they were, understandably I thought at the time, quite horrid to me - didn't ever say hello, used to make really cutting comments to me and their Dad (they were 7 and 12 at the time). I used to really persevere, help with homework, make cakes, clear up after the mess they deliberately made and generally be sweet and understanding although when they would leave I would cry my eyes out. I know their Dad got together with me quite soon after the split so I really tried to be as nice and kind as I could but they almost seemed poisoned against me before the'd even met me and some of the things they would say to me and their Dad sincerely were just horrendous.
This has sowly faded over the years and I have become more resilient, we have kept regular consistent contact cook lovely food when they come and I still make an effort although their Mother has made things really difficult for us over the years for other financial reasons, but hey we get on with our lives.
Now I have recently had a baby (6 weeks) and they seemed OK with it, although recently things have again reached boiling point for financial issues and their Mum has said that basically they s me off, say they hate coming to see us, that I take their Dad away and won't let him speak to them (such a lie I always make myself scarse so they have time with him) that we argue (just had a baby no sleep v hard!) and that I snatch the baby away (a newborn crying I am meant to leave???!!^&) and that they still hate me basically. I feel so betrayed at these lies, they have actually described incidents that happened but totally twisted to make me look bad. I have been nothing but kind to them through really testing times and now feel like I just want to bow out and let them get on with it I can do no more, I actually want nothing more to do with them but maybe this is wrong which is why I am putting it out here - DH feels hurt too and in a really difficult position as always.
Please go easy with your opinions - I am feeling a bit fragile

well, i have three children by xp. they are entitled to 25% of his wages so in an ideal world where the bugger actually worked for a living, they would be entitled to £250 a month on the basis of 1/4 of his £1000 a month wage.

when his (now ex) partner had their son, 20% is his wages were 'reserved' in respect of his (resident) fourth child. taking the maintenance pot down to £800, we would then be entitled to 1/4 of that amount, so new fugure = £200 - a drop in our family income of £50 a month.

so basically I'm working full time to feed and clothe our children and have a £50 drop in income (which, incidentally is equal to a weeks food shopping) because he decides to have another child with his new partner.

I'm sure it's not terribly romantic to bring up finances when there is a new baby and of course everyone is struggling, but sadly it can be very important to the 'first' family, particularly when it results in a drop in income and sacrifices that we have to make. that might be worthwhile if there were a steady relationship with the fourth child for my children but since they split up they haven't seen their half brother anyway. ''

I don't think you should back away now. if you're going to be a constant in the lives of your sks, then you have to continue putting on a brave face and tough it out. people have maybe been a little blunt/harsh considering you're barely post-partum, but you did know he had children. even if you got together after he and their mum split up they will still see you as some bizarre marriage wrecker that took their dad away, even if this isn't true and even if their mum hasn't painted the picture in that way. children will discuss things between themselves and they'll have a view of reality that may not resemble real life.

children in a stable 'first' family will be scared and unsure when a new baby comes along. it's alot worse for step kids.

please don't take any of this post the wrong way. i think your behaviour before the baby was exemplary in relation to your steps. please keep trying - it'll just take a while.

Xenia, what size shoes do you take?

I have two stepsons (9, nearly 12) and a daughter (2.4).

My elder stepson adored his sister on sight, has always said things like "I always wanted a little sister" and has generally accepted his parents' divorce very well. The younger one has taken much more time to adjust. Interestingly, the younger son is much the nicer, more sensitive child. The elder one is incredibly self-centred.

I have taken some time to adjust to being a stepmother. One thing I think I have learned is that it is not a good idea to do chores and run around after your stepchildren. Their father or someone he pays should be doing (or compensating for) ALL the extra housework that your stepchildren create.

You are not responsible for their upbringing, however you may lay down the law, in accordance with their father, about how they behave in your presence. You should discuss this LOTS with your partner in private. Again, I have found this increasingly easy as my daughter grows up - when my stepsons behave in ways I find unacceptable I just tell them that I won't have them giving them that example to their sister. Since they adore her and want her to love them, it works very well.

You do need to do activities one-on-one with each stepchild to create a relationship. For example, I have spent every Wednesday afternoon with my elder stepson this year, eating lunch and taking him to an acting class, and I cook and do creative activities with the younger one. I also help them a lot with English (they are French), and discuss education and opportunities for their future. The elder one often comes to me for advice, since I am not a decision-maker and therefore am less biased when discussing options than his own parents.

What does your DH say?
I think his Ex is causing problems and is put out by a new baby.
Sounds like you have done all you could to make them welcome.
DH1 and i split up a while ago, and I have a new partner who gets on well with our children, and even though he is not and never will be their dad they love him and treat him with respect. They see their dad every day and I am sure in time daddy might meet someone who will also have to be a step parent to them and i would expect them to treat her with respect too.
Can your DH talk to the children and if needs be his Ex, and explain that this is just not on?

Hi well, congratulations on your new baby. As an ex stepdaughter, I know how tricky these relationships can be, from the other side (although as a mother now myself, am beginning to have some inkling of my ex-step mothers POV too).

Agree with everything Aloha has said - almost all teenagers are horrendously self-centred, it's a developmental stage just as toddlerhood is. No reason why you shouldn't have some ground rules wrt politeness etc. etc. just as any family has, but understanding that teenagers are often plain horrid might help. And your situation is even more difficult.

You have to tell them how tiring it is looking after a new baby and how little sleep you are getting. Say, 'look, I'm sorry if I'm a bit less patient or more sensitive than usual but your dad and I are surviving on snatches of broken sleep - you do know sleep deprivation is classed as torture, legally, don't you? So I would really appreciate it if we could all try very hard just to be nice to each other at the moment, however trite that sounds.'

Agree hopefully new baby will bring the family together, my sister and I adored our new baby sister (and continue to have a very strong relationship even now we are all grown up). Let them help as much as they can, and just guide them politely if they aren't doing things your way. If you have the energy, explain when you need to hand the baby back because she is overtired - tell them how babies work and how they basically need sleep/feed/nappy change/cuddle in rotation. Let them read your baby books, if they show ANY interest. And you and dh should try saying things like, oh, she's smiling at you, she likes you! Doesn't she look like pictures of you at the same age? Tell them how, when a baby cries, human biology makes it go through their mothers like a knife so this helpless newborn gets whatever it is it needs.

So we've now established in many cases the first family's income can be quite substantially reduced because the father's chosen to have another child he may not be able to afford. So of course he could keep the payments as they were before and in that case that would help the children a lot. I just think in many families people wont' have more than 2 children because they can't afford it and then they go off and have some more with someone else where had they stayed together even and not been trying to divide income between two households they would never have had the third child at all. So it can be irresponsible to have another unless perhaps the new mother works full time and is fully supporting herself and her child.

Anyway it must be hard being a step child and very hard being a step mother and it's even harder having a very new baby so I hope it all sorts itself out.

The other interesting issue is the father is very experienced with children - we all know what's it's like by the time you have your third child compared to your first but the new mother is doing it for the first time so that also presumably can create some conflicts. Most of us treat a third child very different from our first.

Xenia - my partner is also on no 3 compared to my no 1... but our parenting styles are culturally so different that he is learning from me, not the other way round (fortunately the nappy experience curve was culturally valid for the UK model too)

Also seem to remeber going vey weird for a couple of months afeter birth of both dc's.

Felt resentful, argumentative and angry with dp for no reason at all. So you may feel this as well and focus it on skids.

It does pass though!

Thank you all so much you really are so kind and it has been really helpful to read your replies - I will take everything on board. This is a v weird time for me as a first time Mum and I guess I just made a lot of assumptions about everything but the reality is not so x
I would like to say that I have always worked v hard and contributed to the relationship (practically supported myself) and will be returning to work after mat leave. I can't stress enough how SK have not suffered financially - it is where all our (DH) money goes and BM gets a good ride off it and to boot looks down on us and insults us.

But that's her and not me and I will keep my dignity through this but just try and enjoy my daughter. I know how I am going to be on their visits; just relaxed and a bit more aloof for a while, I will let DH speak to them as I really don't need the stress.
Thanks to all - really glad I posted x

Sounds like you feel a bit happier now
Congrats on the birth of your baby,
Best wishes to you allx

well, that sounds very sensible. Sorry I sidetracked onto the financial issue which does trouble lots of single mothers in the UK who are barely keeping it together and then the maintenance goes down because he's had another family. Obviously you can't generalise.

Anna, why would he learn from your parenting style and not you from his? May be his culture is better than yours? Who decides?

Xenia - he is from the rigid school of parenting, I'm very relaxed, so it's a real eye-opener for him...

That doesn't sound a recipe for domestic bliss then or perhaps it's good for the child to see two different views. Two parents are better than one and adding in a nanny etc even better so there's variety and no rigidity I suppose.

Xenia we come from (very) different backgrounds but we never argue about it... we just discuss and make a decision about what to do... and it goes on and on, there are always more issues... but it's totally amicable

in fact, it's a really big advantage coming from such different backgrounds because you can't take anything at all for granted - you have to lay everything out and negotiate a joint decision (even things like how you set the table) based on your own experiences and all other data you wish to gather first