In wanting to just give up with stepchildren now

[well]

I have name changed for this as I know it may sounds a bit harsh but I am at a loss as to what more I can do.
I was introduced to my husbands children 7 years ago and they were, understandably I thought at the time, quite horrid to me - didn't ever say hello, used to make really cutting comments to me and their Dad (they were 7 and 12 at the time). I used to really persevere, help with homework, make cakes, clear up after the mess they deliberately made and generally be sweet and understanding although when they would leave I would cry my eyes out. I know their Dad got together with me quite soon after the split so I really tried to be as nice and kind as I could but they almost seemed poisoned against me before the'd even met me and some of the things they would say to me and their Dad sincerely were just horrendous.
This has sowly faded over the years and I have become more resilient, we have kept regular consistent contact cook lovely food when they come and I still make an effort although their Mother has made things really difficult for us over the years for other financial reasons, but hey we get on with our lives.
Now I have recently had a baby (6 weeks) and they seemed OK with it, although recently things have again reached boiling point for financial issues and their Mum has said that basically they s me off, say they hate coming to see us, that I take their Dad away and won't let him speak to them (such a lie I always make myself scarse so they have time with him) that we argue (just had a baby no sleep v hard!) and that I snatch the baby away (a newborn crying I am meant to leave???!!^&) and that they still hate me basically. I feel so betrayed at these lies, they have actually described incidents that happened but totally twisted to make me look bad. I have been nothing but kind to them through really testing times and now feel like I just want to bow out and let them get on with it I can do no more, I actually want nothing more to do with them but maybe this is wrong which is why I am putting it out here - DH feels hurt too and in a really difficult position as always.
Please go easy with your opinions - I am feeling a bit fragile

They are probably insecure
as anniemac said, not an excuse
but just the way they are.
Hold your head high.

xenia ummm maybe they're thinking more in terms of cuddles than cash

If he's anything like my dh, he'll have buried his head....deep!

Well, can you really not imagine why your stepchildren might be reluctant to paint a rosy picture of your home life to their mum? Really? How do you think she would react if they came home and said what a lovely time they'd had, how nice you are and what a gorgeous little baby sister they have? Would she be pleased? I bet not. They will feel loyal to their mother and they won't want to upset her so naturally they will tend to play up the tricky bits and she will then exaggerate them further. Please, please don't take this personally. And no, they won't see that you are exhausted. Did you understand new baby tiredness until you had a baby? I had no idea and I was 38 when I had my first, not a teenager. Teenagers really can't see things from your point of view - it's the way they are made. They are like big toddlers.

And I think asking your dh to confront his older children at this point would be really counterproductive tbh. He loves them and he may well be worried about the effect on his relationship with them of having another baby. I think his ex was totally wrong to tell you all this stuff. It was very disrespectful to the children who didn't ask her to tell you.

Teenagers are generally fairly self-centred - so definitely will not have thought about you being tired. I think you are a bit emotionally vulnerable ATM, which is why this is building into a bigger thing. What does your DP think?

Good idea to get dh to talk to them. He might be able to find out what was really said, and explain to them that you are hurt by it, and exhausted. Let him deal with it while you enjoy your LO.

The positive thing is they do obviously want to be involved with the baby which is a good thing.

Ride above all angst and concentrate on your LO, that is the most important thing.

If they want to hold it so much when it's crying, why don't you suggest they do the night shift?!

Ok.

Teenagers don't care much how other people feel. They don't understand much how other peole feel either. It's biological. They have more empathy at 9 than they have at 15 - they cannot help it.

Agree with Aloha, they are probably slagging you to high heaven to their mum - because she is their mum, and that is what she wants to hear. That is no indicator of how they feel about you. All the things they say may well feel true to them - it is hard adjusting to a new sibling, and when it means that sibling has dad full time, and it's mum full time, it can look very unfair when you only have dad part time, and never with your mum.

The DO NOT understand your tiredness, your need to attend to a newborn, or your fragility. Your question ("Am I supposed to leave a newborn crying then?") they would probably answer with total honesty - "Why not?" They really do not see why not. the baby may well be just a noisy cute dolly right now. but they will grow to love it.

She mentioned money, not me. And under English law anyway if the father has a new baby the first family get less. It's part of the CSA formula. It's a huge problem for those women who rely on their men for money because often they sacrificed their career to bring up his first set of children and he is allowed legally to go off have 3 more even though he can't afford them and the first children then get less money as a result. If instead he agreed not to reduce their funding (and sadly a lot of teenagers are materialistic and their mother is probably worried about the financial implications too) they might feel happier. And may be offer them some paid babysitting - double whammy - they get the money and bond with their sibling too and the new parents get a night off.

The BM has near crippled us financially which has made things doubly hard over the years but I never complained just kept it to myself - esp when they used to boast to our faces about having more money than us it took every thing in my power not to say "yes and who do you think pays for it?" I don't know where you heard that the first family gets less Xenia, can you give me more info it would really be appreciated - we get a pitiful reduction for being a second family. But aside from all this is the utter hopelessness that 6 years of trying has not worked one bit . Deep down maybe this bad feeling towards me is BM's fault and not theirs but they are not babies anymore are they?
I realy would not advise anyone getting involved with a man with children it has been a thankless task for me and they have no respect for their Father who has tried so hard and been 100% consistent in his promises, visitation and financial support. Hey ho it's my bed I suppose and all that x

Honestly well,
It does get better
Said those very words(well,close enough)myself.
Supporting my eldest through uni at moment,admittedly i feel a little resentful when we struggle to find spare cash.
However now the relashionship has developed (and it took along time)'
I can accept that that is now my role....and my girls love there sisters soooo much.Lost track now, what was i saying?

Ditto anniemac!!!

well are you in the UK? If so then the first question I think is whether he is paying under a court order or via child support agency rules or sometimes the court order says it is on CSA rules basis. I think it may also depend if the maintenance was fixed before the rules changed in 2003 too. The current rules reduce what the original family get if the non resident parent has more children. secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v1/new/calc.asp

I just think no one should have children they aren't afford and see so many original families suffering because the parents chose to split up and then have more children neither can really afford.

I do sympathise, it's very hard, and you've only just had a baby, you must feel exhausted and emotionally fragile.

Just a though I wanted to share (haven't read whole thread, so apologies if it's a repeat). As a stepchild with a stepfather (our relationship was chequered to say the least, I have no contact with him or my mother now) I hero-worshipped and idolised my dad, which is quite common with children of a largely absent parent I think. He worked in the Middle East from very shortly after the divorce and we saw very little of him. I can remember how awful it was going home after a visit, my stepfather used to pick us up and he would be so contemptuous about the fact that we were upset at leaving and missed our dad (especially me, as the youngest, I was usually crying). Then there would be this awful atmosphere in the house, as though we had betrayed my mother and stepfather by even wanting to see our father. They would make comments about how my stepfather deserved so much more respect, "he does everything for you kids", bitter remarks about my father defaulting on the maintenance (which he did, but it wasnt our fault!), even the slightest step out of line and it was stuff like "Oh, you've been to see your father again, so you're treating us like shit, ungrateful little b**ds" etc etc. It was horrible. And tbh I think a lot of the time we were angry with everyone involved. If my father had married again it would have been horrific, my mother would have made our lives miserable for even wanting to be anywhere near her. And if there had been another baby, well, the idea makes me flinch frankly.

Sorry I've rambled, but is it possible you're not privy to what goes on behind closed doors? IME as a stepchild, living with that sort of divided loyalty and having to think on your feet all the time to appease people is horrible. Having to eat two Christmas dinners was the tip of the iceberg.

This is a lot for you to be chewing over when you should be enjoying your new baby though. Perhaps you could just try and let it all pass by you until you're feeling a bit less overwhelmed?