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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that he went out again

77 replies

thetreesarealive · 14/05/2017 20:32

DH was out this morning doing a favour for someone (a pleasant one -
he enjoys it), home for lunch and then straight out again for a hobby that took up the whole afternoon (2-7pm). I had to cope with our three very energetic/argumentative kids by myself the whole day, which included the birthday party for our eldest from 2-5pm – which we had organised before he realised it clashed with the hobby. (i.e. he didn't check.)

He usually goes out to meet a mate twice a week, one of these being Sunday evenings. I asked him if he was going out again tonight, he said, "yes, if that's ok." I made it clear that I didn't want him to, but he went out anyway.

I work and he doesn't. Kids are at school though, and he doesn't really keep the house or anything. I struggle immensely with tiredness due to a chronic condition. I was working all day yesterday. I am shattered and could have used a little bit of company for once. Aargh.

OP posts:
innitprawn · 14/05/2017 23:07

My DH does a lot of this and works full-time. I'm a SAHM. We have our jobs etc. I've basically got the kids 7-7 5 days a week.

However - we do make time for our own hobbies and friends together.

This guy - honestly he's taking the fucking piss OP!!!

LTB!!

WankStainWasher · 14/05/2017 23:28

AAAARGH! I had this with my XH. "No one will hire me" "Who's going to hire me?" but any mention of a position I saw in the paper was met with much shouting and obstinance.
And childcare? Hah bloody hah. Plop child in front of telly until I come home from work.
Housework? Puhlease.
You need to have a serious talk with your DH.

He does not engage with the kids? - they won't miss him when he's gone.
He behaves like your extra child? - you won't have the energy or desire to have a physical relationship him.

FelineEleganza · 14/05/2017 23:28

He's not a free babysitter. You don't babysit your own kids. You make your own bed OP, if you don't want to be taken for a doormat I suggest you get up and wipe the footprint from your forehead, followed by kicking your 'D'P into touch.

GabsAlot · 15/05/2017 00:12

free babysitter?

hes suppose to look after them hes their dad-if he goes u can still get chilcare ad help paying for it-u dont need to look aftr an extra person u dont need him for anything

emmyrose2000 · 15/05/2017 01:08

Most of the 'redeeming features' you have listed are things my DH does while also working full time. He is not a babysitter he is their father

THIS!

"Babysitting" your own kids? The mind boggles.

My DH would have to be dead or in a coma before he'd miss one of our kids' birthday parties.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 15/05/2017 04:11

I have a hobby suggestion for your DH its the lastest hobby doing the rounds I've heard its a great one most people are doing it its called a JOB get off your damn lazy ass and get a fucking job Angry

Creampastry · 15/05/2017 05:40

He needs to get a job or get out .,,, now!

Original poster
thetreesarealive · 15/05/2017 17:03

An update will come later, but just to say the babysitting comment was referring to what would be different if he wasn't here, i.e. that I'd have to pay a babysitter for the evenings and Saturdays that I work.

Obviously DH is not babysitting our kids and that phrase usually drives me nuts - I must have been tired!

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 15/05/2017 17:53

Looking forward to your update, op, because at the moment I can't see what on earth you get out of this relationship. Sad

GabsAlot · 16/05/2017 20:19

sorry if we all jumped on the babysiter comment it just winds me up

but hes thee problemhere not you

hope youre ok

Original poster
thetreesarealive · 17/05/2017 12:34

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Sorry for not posting for a while, busy and tired and at the end of my tether.

So, update...we had a big discussion/argument on Sunday night after DH came home. More of the same that it's always been since time immemorial, really, but this time, instead of thoughts of separation just drifting through my mind and me dismissing them, I was genuinely considering it. Properly, seriously. First time ever.

(Actually because of mombie. You actually gave me my first glimmer of hope. Seriously. If I could somehow afford someone to help me, to have someone there to help out (and have childcare/clean home/somebody around) I could cope. Not sure if that could happen financially (I'm only on about £10k before tax credits etc) but it's something to work towards, hey...)

I also cried for about 2 hours. Sad

Anyway, the next morning I had a couple of hours spare and we actually talked about something IMPORTANT during daylight hours for a change. I told him properly about considering divorce - that I really had considered it genuinely and practically for the first time ever. I said if he wasn't careful he was going to lose me. He actually said, "I know." So I answered, "well, maybe it's time to be a bit more careful, then."

Since then he's been trying hard, but whether this will last, I don't know. I can't cope with it forever. I love him and want to be with him, and most importantly I don't want my kids to have a 'broken home,' but only time will tell whether things will indeed change. What usually happens after an argument is he's nice to me for a day and then is back to his selfish default. That's all it is, too - nice. My special treatment is that he is what I would normally expect from a relationship... Hmm We're on 2 days of 'trying' so far... But I can't carry on like this, and maybe, just maybe, he's finally seen that.

I am mostly expecting to still be let down, but a girl can dream.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetreesarealive · 17/05/2017 12:37

Oh, and to reply to the comments...

moany Re. 'deliberately getting fired' - he hated his job and manager was awful. He got into trouble with some girl at work who then decided to report him for harassment as vengeance. He was suspended and summoned to a disciplinary. Not wanting to bring up the trouble publicly, he refused to go, so then they had no choice but to assume guilt and fire him.

fruitcorner "Most of the 'redeeming features' you have listed are things my DH does while also working full time." You're not the first to say that Sad His hobby is a more recent thing, and it wasn't too bad before when I didn't work so many evenings, but now it clashes with my work it's getting a bit much. It's a performance-related hobby so once you commit you can't back down otherwise the whole thing is ruined. There are no 'understudy' kind of people who can step in, either. As someone in the entertainment industry I do at least understand this type of commitment. He doesn't apologise, though. Or try to make things better. If it were me I would have said, "I've just realised X clashes with the party - SO sorry. I'll make it up to DS1 somehow. I'll go and say sorry to him, too."

goldfishjane Financial benefit to keeping him is that I would need to pay a babysitter if he's not here.

wankstain you are so right!!! He engages with the kids a fair bit (honestly, he's brilliant when he actually tries), and DS1 would miss him massively, I'm sure, as they're quite close, which is one reason this is really hard Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
thetreesarealive · 18/05/2017 21:10

Don't know if anyone's still reading this thread... I'm currently binge-watching Dr Who on a rare evening that I'm not at work. On my own, of course.

Sad
OP posts:
EweAreHere · 18/05/2017 21:27

:(

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 18/05/2017 21:52

A previous poster said that women who live in abusive relationships have been brought up in abusive situations and have not broken the cycle. Without naming names etc. I know people brought up in a very strong woman situation, the woman divorced a sponging H, stood up to all and sundry sent by moody ex H. These females both have sponging partners and despite much talking from the strong woman they do not see how they are being used. They claim the strong woman is all against men.
The strong woman is letting them get on with their lives because she has to live a life but will be there to help should these abused women ever understand.

Original poster
thetreesarealive · 18/05/2017 21:57

shewhomustgo Would you call this an abusive situation? Confused Please explain if you can

OP posts:
user1486199588 · 18/05/2017 22:08

I would say it could be viewed as an abusive relationship because one of you (you) are putting a lot more into it than the other (husband) and you are carrying him, the children, your job, the house while your husband is largely thinking of himself most of the time.

If you are happy with this, that is fine but it does seem to be unsustainable in the long term, especially with your chronic health condition.

'Abusive' is an extreme word but I think he sounds very self-involved and in the moment and doesn't seem to put you and the children first in the way you put him and the children first.

user1486199588 · 18/05/2017 22:09

However I can empathise with not wanting to break the family up. I hope he can do a bit more for you and get a job!!!!!!!

Original poster
thetreesarealive · 18/05/2017 22:13

Yes, that's the problem... not so much that I'm not happy with things (not that I am, but I can get on with my own things and forget) but more that I can't cope with it long term. If I could I'd be inclined to just ignore it for the sake of the family as a whole. Generally you could call us happy, but only when I'm not keeping him accountable for his dickish behaviour.

OP posts:
scootinFun · 18/05/2017 22:20

I feel so sorry for you - because you are working your arse off, looking after your children and doing all the scutwork. While he, the big man, sits on his arse, nips out for lovely sessions with a hobby and contributes sweet fuck all. I'd ditch him. Life would be a hell of a lot easier and I don't see any mentions of love or passion - you're just ticking along. Life's too short!

Original poster
thetreesarealive · 18/05/2017 22:30

I don't know if life would be easier - that's part of the reason I'm still here right now. His presence at least helps me to not get overwhelmed by the kids and a few other things. (I don't do well in stressful situations and kids are one heck of a stress!)

I love him a great deal and he swears he loves me which I believe. But i also believe that he could quite easily slip away from our relationship and indeed life in general through sheer laziness/lack of self-confidence/self-discipline/self control. Of course he's less sociable and more internal than ever too because of not having to step up to the plate for really any reason.

OP posts:
user1486199588 · 18/05/2017 22:35

I think there is hope if he worked before. You just need to sit together to work out a plan to include:

a) his getting a new job
b) a housework rota
c) a proper discussion about this hobby and how it doesn't help with family life. Can he step away from the hobby for a while until the job and housework stuff has been sorted and balanced out?

I think a timeline for change might be helpful in a situation like this. He needs to feel a bit of pressure!!

Wishing you all the best OP xx

Fruitcorner123 · 18/05/2017 22:38

I am glad you have made some progress and really hope he responds. Only time will tell if he really means what he says. It's a pity that missing his child's birthday party wasn't something he naturally felt sad about but at least if he acknowledges he needs to change that's something. I wish you guys all the best.

I cannot say for sure from an anonymous thread that he is not abusive but think people should be careful about using the term everytime someone behaves badly. He is clearly neglecting his relationships but is that abusive?

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 18/05/2017 23:08

OP I think other posters have given you an explanation of why this is abusive. However as you asked for my explanation I will say.
You are working and providing all the money.
I doubt if your husband will even be getting Unemployment money with your work and income.
He does not spend the day caring for the children because they are at school. (Does he collect them at 3 and look after them?) That might be a little in redemption.
He does as he wants goes to help another but does not help you with housework.
He goes out at night even when he knows you are unhappy with this.
He is putting nothing into being a husband or a father.

What does he do that provides to you and children
You say he keeps you calm.

He will not want to rock the boat and for you to realise how much you do and how much he does not.
You have more abilities than you know. You would manage alone and maybe manage better
Your income would only have to provide food for you and your children and not a non provider who probably eats more than two of the children.
Your children probably do not smoke or drink the husband might and this will be off your income.
You do all the house work there would be a little less to do if you had less people in the house.

Think about this without thinking that you have to rely on someone who do not contribute in any shape or form

scootinFun · 18/05/2017 23:46

Exactly what She said...

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