Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that he went out again

77 replies

thetreesarealive · 14/05/2017 20:32

DH was out this morning doing a favour for someone (a pleasant one -
he enjoys it), home for lunch and then straight out again for a hobby that took up the whole afternoon (2-7pm). I had to cope with our three very energetic/argumentative kids by myself the whole day, which included the birthday party for our eldest from 2-5pm – which we had organised before he realised it clashed with the hobby. (i.e. he didn't check.)

He usually goes out to meet a mate twice a week, one of these being Sunday evenings. I asked him if he was going out again tonight, he said, "yes, if that's ok." I made it clear that I didn't want him to, but he went out anyway.

I work and he doesn't. Kids are at school though, and he doesn't really keep the house or anything. I struggle immensely with tiredness due to a chronic condition. I was working all day yesterday. I am shattered and could have used a little bit of company for once. Aargh.

OP posts:
user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 21:57

Your DH's new hobby should be looking for a damned job!!!

Hiphopopotamus · 14/05/2017 21:58

I know we're all supposed to love anyfucker and her hard line. Sometimes it's ok. And sometimes it's just plain bitchy to women who are obviously struggling.

Inertia · 14/05/2017 21:58

What is the point of this man?

He is utterly disengaged from his children and thinks nothing of missing his own child's birthday.

He doesn't work, yet does nothing in the house.

You have a chronic health condition, yet you are doing everything while he buggers off out to hobbies and meet mates.

Would you be better off without him there?

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 22:06

Who are all these women who let men treat like them like utter shit?

They are women who have come from abusive backgrounds and haven't broken the chain yet. They are women who are scared and financially stuck, or feel they are. They are women who are so tired and broken down by illness that they find themselves putting up with stuff they never thought they would.

I know if you've spent a lot of time on here, it's easy to get jaded and angry on behalf of the women putting up with shit, but each case involves a real-life vulnerable woman who probably had to screw up her courage to come on here.

Their posting here is a start at making a change. Don't let their cry for help fall on stony ground!

AnyFucker · 14/05/2017 22:08

Hipho...I don't try to curry favour. What people think of me is inconsequential. You help the op in the way you see fit. Calling out other posters for the way they do things is only going to create conflict which won't help the op.

Cottoncandy22 · 14/05/2017 22:12

Op - what are this guy's good points? Genuinely asking.

user93483098350593850000 · 14/05/2017 22:13

OP your tiredness would be greatly helped by your DH pulling his weight!

I think you need to sit down and have a frank talk with him when you're rested. Lay it on the line what you expect and see what he says.

Let us know so we can help you.

EweAreHere · 14/05/2017 22:19

He doesn't work, doesn't keep the house sorted, disappears with friends and hobbies ... while you have a chronic health condition, hold down a job, and deal with the house?

Why?!?!?!?!

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 22:22

After a day like you've had op I wouldn't be surprised if you are fast asleep now but please update us when you can. Hope you feel reassured that YANBU and it needs addressing. He is not treating you well.

noitsnotme · 14/05/2017 22:25

He missed his kids birthday party for his hobby? Did that not make your dc feel shit, and you? I'd hit the roof at the very idea, never mind following through on it. And I'd be mortified to have to tell people at the party why he wasn't there.

He's a waste of space, OP:

SquinkiesRule · 14/05/2017 22:27

OP you would be less tired if you only had to care for/clean up after/cook for, you and the children. He sounds like a waste of space.

Hiphopopotamus · 14/05/2017 22:39

AnyFucker I can certainly call out your approach if I feel it's going to make the OP feel worse

AnyFucker · 14/05/2017 22:40

But why do that ? Does it help the op to have conglict on her thtead ?

AnyFucker · 14/05/2017 22:41

*conflict

Marmalade85 · 14/05/2017 22:41

I hope you're joking OP. If not then bin the cocklodger

thetreesarealive · 14/05/2017 22:42

I'm still up because he's not home yet and I find it impossibly hard to go to bed when he's out. Even though I could've easily gone to bed at 9pm... Sad

The hobby he does is something it is required that he commits to for 3 months at a time, twice a week, and in the final 7 days of it there is a Sunday afternoon and 5 evenings he cannot miss. He didn't think to check which week it was that we were planning the party for, and I didn't think to GET him to check because it's HIS diary and HE should be managing it. It's not that he intentionally missed the party, just can't organise himself apparently.

To be honest I don't think the kids didn't even notice. My parents were there and were a good distraction, and were helpful in that they were just generally around to keep an eye on the kids. DH often slobs off from things I do with the kids. He is getting better at taking them to the park etc when I'm at work (because I keep telling him off for not doing anything with them or going outside at all, and spending hours on his computer), but still often doesn't come with me if I take them anywhere unless basically I tell him to, which I've given up doing coz, y'know, what's the point?

He has some redeeming features, yes. He cooks really well, does laundry at home and some useful things like cutting the grass/hedge, does the school run unless I'm able to (I like to do it when I can). He a great dad when away from the computer. He tries to get the kids to be quiet in the morning on a weekend I'm not at work if I'm clearly exhausted and need a rest (although that never works.) Sorry, I've run out of redeeming features... Oh, and of course he is a free babysitter.

He did prep all the food for the party but I suspect that was mostly because I told him point blank and almost blase do-whatever-you-like-dahhhling way that he would have to do it, as I was working so couldn't. He did ask me a couple of questions but basically I brushed it off saying he would have to, you know, use his brain, and work it out himself. (Funnily enough he managed it with no problems at all.)

Needless to say I love him too, but honestly I don't know what to do with him sometimes. I didn't work when the kids were little (although did voluntary work when I could), but planned to work when they were at school, and was also trying to build up some self-employed work whilst being a full-time mum. 6 months before the youngest started school, DH lost his job (sort of intentionally got fired - long story but his fault) and we decided that I would have a go at working instead of him as I was going nuts being 'stuck at home', but with the proviso that he would find work once they all were at school.

He later said he just couldn't do 'brainless' work and therefore chances of getting a job were practically nil. (Well, yeah, if you don't even look...) But refused to go on any training courses. Refused to do anything else to better himself. Refuses to apply for most jobs I find for him. (Why do I do this?) I have since found a course that he actually showed interest in - that he doesn't think is utter shite (miracle!) - which he is going to start in Oct. Of course, despite it being only 1 day a week I'm sure he's not intending to find any other work in the meantime or even when it starts.

OP posts:
thetreesarealive · 14/05/2017 22:43

user93483098350593850000 (catchy name, btw) - you just brought tears to my eyes...
AnyFucker - your first comment actually made me laugh out loud, no idea why. Probably coz I know you're right but there's nothing I can really do and I'm stuck in a hopeless cycle.
EweAreHere - I'm not sure I know. Except that I know there's no way I could cope alone. The only way I cope with work is because some of it is outdoors in countryside, so I can let off steam a bit. Being at home with kids drove me insane tbh.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/05/2017 22:45

Your condition would be much improved if you got rid of this worthless sack of shit. What AnyFucker said. This is about the 10th thread on here today featuring utter fuckwits for 'partners'.

Ineedagoodusername · 14/05/2017 22:47

He's not a free babysitter. You don't babysit your own children.

Moanyoldcow · 14/05/2017 22:48

You're being taken for a mug OP.

I'm sorry but you need to have a real think about this situation - I cannot see that you get a thing from it.

Getting deliberately fired? Is he 17? Can't do brainless work? Sounds like all he's fit for.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 22:49

Most of the 'redeeming features' you have listed are things my DH does while also working full time. He is not a babysitter he is their father.

It sounds like a horrible situation op and I honestly think you need to have a really hard think about how you will feel if it continues like this. Most people would not feel it was appropriate to have the kind of hobby you have described when supposedly they are the main caregivers to 3 children and have a partner who is in poor health and in need of support . I have no idea what the hobby is but that alone would be enough to drive me away and on top of that he has at least two nights out a week with the same friend and contributes nothing financially! There was a thread not so long ago with a sahm complaining because her husband wanted her to do more as her son was at school. she got flamed because people said now child was at school she should be contributing. At least she was there for her son.Your DH doesn't sound like he is even there for his kids.

Goldfishjane · 14/05/2017 22:51

OP confused
Do you need him for childcare or would an au pair, helper etc be cheaper? Is there a financial benefit to keeping him?

Mombie2016 · 14/05/2017 22:56

You'd be fine. Kick him out. Get a nanny/childminder/after school club and a cleaner. Then you'd have 100% reliable and good childcare plus a clean home. Currently you have lazy cocklodging cunt of a bloke who is a SAHP but does practically fuck all and is so disengaged with his kids that he puts a hobby before their birthday.

Have my first LTB.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/05/2017 23:00

OP you got four dc not three...

I suggest getting a dog or a cat for company - much nicer than a cocklodger.

Wine Cake

AnyFucker · 14/05/2017 23:02

Unless you take steps to change things op, this is all you are going to get

Havr a good think about whether the odd rant on MN is enough for you to let off steam and then go back to the exact same situation

Or whether this is sinply not good enough

Swipe left for the next trending thread