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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that talking to DD about contraception is not giving her the green light to have underage sex?

24 replies

Springersrock · 13/05/2017 09:54

DD is 16 in a couple of months and, I think, she has a boyfriend. She's a bit quiet about it so I'm really just going with the flow at the moment.

A few weeks ago I broached the subject of contraception and safe sex with her. Just suggested that she have a think and if she wanted to see our GP, my help, or a chat or anything, then I was here.

It didn't go well, DD was excruciatingly embarrassed and got very defensive so I backed off and left it there.

My own mum wasn't great with this kind of thing and I was left to figure this stuff out for myself (my first ever period was terrifying as I had no clue WTF was going on) so I've always tried to be open and approachable with my own DDs and so far so good.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend last night. She has a DD a couple of years older than mine and I was really just asking for some advice and she was surprised that I'd even spoken to DD about and that I was just giving DD permission to have under age sex.

I've left it with DD for now and backed right of but not sure whether to continue to push it

OP posts:

WellErrr · 13/05/2017 09:57

I think 16 is old enough.

I do have slight issue with younger children though. I remember when we learned this in year 7 (so 11/12) and it made me so paranoid as I thought 'well, are we SUPPOSED to be doing this now?? Otherwise why would we need to learn it!?'

MrsJayy · 13/05/2017 10:00

Arming your Dd with correct information is top parenting imo my eldest dd would rather chew her arm off than talk about sex at that age but i ploughed through it so she knew her options.

Pringle2628 · 13/05/2017 10:00

It's not giving her the green light at all you can explain if she's on the pill she has better control over periods and makes them a lot lighter less cramps etc.
So for example you can tell her if she goes on the pill and was planning to go on holiday and swimming she can take the pill the extra week and not risk being on.

Gillian1980 · 13/05/2017 10:01

Yanbu and not "encouraging" sex.

Loads of kids are having sex under 16 so it's better safe than sorry in my opinion.

I was told about contraception when I was about 13 ish... didn't have sex until I was 17. But I knew about it so was ready to be safe when the time came.

TrinityTaylor · 13/05/2017 10:01

You did the right thing your friend is very naive and narrow minded

Imamouseduh · 13/05/2017 10:02

You've done absolutely the right thing. It's never to early IMO.

SlB09 · 13/05/2017 10:03

Absolutely the right thing! As PP said I think your friend is a little niaive, or possibly doesnt remember what being 15 was like!

Pinkheart5917 · 13/05/2017 10:04

Yanbu

Your her parent and it's your responsibility to talk about these things with her, She needs to know about safe sex becuase one day when she's ready she will be having sex.

I don't know why even these days some parents don't talk about these things, if it's not the parents Job who is meant to do it? Are we relying in the school/school playgroup chat?

I also think it's good to be open about this stuff and have the child know they can ask you anything should they wish to.

Crumbs1 · 13/05/2017 10:05

I think 16 is way too old. If she has a boyfriend it's like saying let's get contraception as I know you're having sex. I told all mine how to get it, left condoms for the boys and ensured all knew how to obtain emergency contraception, which friends to approach for support if they didn't want to talk to me etc. This was from about 11/12 when it was clear it wasn't happening already.
None of the girls were active until over 18 and then only in long term relationships so I don't think it was a 'green light'.
My eldest, a doctor, did have a talk with youngest, when she started university and began seeing someone. Youngest was seriously miffed that everyone thought she was having sex when she wasn't. There is a default pressure on youngsters to be sexually active; even illegal sex is now seen as the norm.

corythatwas · 13/05/2017 10:05

I explained to my dc about electricity: I was not giving them permission to do the rewiring. Most of what they learn at school is about preparation for some later stage of life. If we only taught them about what is immediately useful we'd have to scrap most of the curriculum. Teach them while they are still teachable and then hope they remember it when they need it.

Original poster

Springersrock · 13/05/2017 10:07

Thanks.

I'm never entirely sure I'm doing the right thing with her.

The boyfriend is only a very recent thing

OP posts:

Ktown · 13/05/2017 10:10

Safe sex is the key.
Condoms need to be a must for teens if they want to avoid hep b, hiv and cervical cancer later on. If they get used to it early and have it as a non negotiable then they will have a better sex life with nicer men too.
You are right!

Nan0second · 13/05/2017 10:14

I was 9 or 10 when I was first taught about contraception by my mum.
She took me to the GP for the pill age 14 to help my periods.
I didn't have consensual sex until I was 17.
Talking about it makes it safe, it doesn't make it happen.
(I did, however become an obstetrician and gynaecologist - this may be a risk!)

Pinkheart5917 · 13/05/2017 10:18

I'd also say buy a box of condoms and put in your dd room, some people her age would be too embarrassed to buy them. Don't make a big fuss just say " They are there if you ever need them" and leave it at that.

Do try again when you can to talk about the pill/implant etc as well and of course stress the important of condoms due to sti and that they need to be a non negotiable thing

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 10:18

Your friend is incredibly naive and 16 is the legal age of consent so she wouldn't be underage anyway.

I read somewhere that the average age of girls losing their virginity is now 14 in the UK. I'm not condoning this but children are growing up faster and faster and you would be incredibly stupid not to broach the subject of safe sex once puberty hits.

You did the right thing OP. And in my opinion if having a safe sex talk with your daughter makes her feel embarrassed or defensive she isn't mature enough to be having sex.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/05/2017 10:18

Your friend is right. Your DD won't think about sex or have sex until you talk to her about contraception.

😂 FFS what kind of a twat is your friend?

I talk to the 11yo about this stuff all the time when it comes up in conversation. It's much easier at that age because it's just information, it's not 'personal'. We had quite an indepth conversation about various types of contraception, how they work, advantages & disadvantages etc after someone on the radio said 'If they can't look after their kids, they should stop having them!' So, she wanted to know how you could just choose not to have them. Sensible question as she knows how babies are conceived and knows that sex is something adults do because it feels nice (though she says she thinks it's disgusting, won't ever do it & so will not be having children! Long may that feeling last 😊).

At 16 I'd do the same, if something comes up on the tv/radio, use it to make a comment. I'd use any opportunity to stress that sex is nice, but not something you should ever do, with anyone you don't want to. No is always an option. He won't 'love you more'. If he says he'll leave you if you don't, then leave him, he's not interested in you, just sex...with anyone who will do it. All those types of things as well as contraception choices WHEN she is ready.

I think your comment 'have a think about contraception & let me know if you want to' was probably a bit worrying for her because it might have felt like you expect her to be going to have sex as soon as she's 16. It's better to use terms like 'When you are ready...' or 'When the time is right for you'...

But all in all, better to discuss it in any way possible rather than be like your friend the ostrich.

LemonCurdles · 13/05/2017 10:24

yanbu

You've done the right thing in opening the dialogue with her about it.

Ofcourse it doesn't mean you are giving permission (not that she will need it soon anyhow), just giving her advice and support should she need it whenever she is ready.

I think you are being a responsible parent OP

WorknameJimEllis · 13/05/2017 10:39

Good grief, my 6yo knows about contraception.

Admittedly it came up as a result of a conversation about the dog being spayed.

Trills · 13/05/2017 10:45

If anything, 15 is LATE to be having this conversation.

Trills · 13/05/2017 10:46

My top advice on this topic for a teenager would be if you don't know someone well enough to mention contraception, you don't know them well enough to have sex with them.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/05/2017 10:50

I think your approach is sensible. We have always been open with DS about contraception and have had general conversations about all sex should be safe sex. That way it avoids the excruciating conversation purely about condoms and growing up, but normalises the idea.

Mari50 · 13/05/2017 10:52

I was having a conversation with my 8 year old about contraception just yesterday morning. Albeit not in depth but in a general talk about sex the topic of contraception came up. As far as I'm concerned if she's old enough to ask questions about it then hopefully she can deal with the facts (adjusted for an 8 year old obvs)
I certainly wouldn't wait to discuss it until there was a possibility she was sexually active.

Original poster

Springersrock · 13/05/2017 11:10

Thanks all

I always feel like I'm lurching from one fuck up to another with her at the moment. I can't do right for doing wrong.

We have talked generally about contraception/safe sex lots in the past, but this was more of a "do you think you're ready to get something sorted?" type of chat

I will broach it again.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/05/2017 11:18

When DS had finished his GCSEs he and a group of 60(!) close friends all went to Newquay on holiday at a caravan park. Although there were boy caravans and girl caravans his GF was going. They had been going out for a while and possibly were already sexually active. However I bought condoms for him to take and he was initially FFS Mum and embarrassed and said If I need some I will buy them. They were in his bedroom drawer for ages and then one day there were not!

I don't think it says it is Ok - I think it says if it is going to happen I want you to be prepared!

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