Husband's nights out....

[OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots]

I feel very tired and tearful so not sure if I'm being U...

We have a spirited 4yo and a 7mo baby.

I go out about once a month for a meal once the kids are asleep to a pub a 15 min walk away.

My husband goes out less but when he does it's a 3pm till 1am drinking session on a Saturday normally. He still pulls his weight the next day.

He's arranged to meet friends in a pub for food and watch the football tonight. Pub is in a different town that's not particularly easy to get to by public transport. 20 min drive or two trains / bus and a train. Football starts at 8pm.

This last week has been tough. 7mo hasn't been sleeping and I'm exhausted.

I've asked dh if he'll help me get kids to bed (or at least get 4yo to bed) then head out about 7pm. Ample time to get there for 8pm.

He wants to leave much earlier (5:30ish) to get a table etc. It's always him who arrives early to save a table (read the paper, enjoy a pint in peace, get out of bedtime etc).

I've asked him if one of the boys he is meeting (both single, no kids) can for once be the ones who get there early. He won't ask them.

AIBU for being annoyed about this?

He'll be relaxing in the pub while I'm struggling with a new bedtime routine for two children after a hard week of very little sleep.

Just to clarify, at a month old dc2 was still less than 6lb and on a strict feeding schedule so my nights were very very broken. My dc1 was also at that point not reliably sleeping through. So my dh having a nice night in a hotel etc to avoid 5:30am wake up to catch 6am train was a bit OTT!

Sorry to drip feed. But I think that's why I'm feeling as I am.

He has far far more downtime than I ever do. And I guess I resent that.

Oh well, he can have his eve tonight and I'll sit down with him and go through all this with him another time.

Why is he dicking about on his computer on his non working day? Stuff that: he should do half a days parenting, or a day every other week, giving you leisure time too.

I was going to say to let him do it just for tonight until I read that he has 1 day a week all for himself.

He can head out at 7 after he has done bedtime.

"Why is he dicking about on his computer on his non working day? Stuff that: he should do half a days parenting, or a day every other week, giving you leisure time too."

FFS, OP has clearly stated that he is a very involved, hands on parent and she is happy with their balanced parenting.

That's as may be, but sounds like he has a whole day of leisure time a week! Perhaps not.

And OP says he has far more leisure time, which is unfair.

You are NBU!!! I can't believe some of these responses. He can help you and go at 7pm. You both had DC and you are not the default parent! Wants to go early to save the table.. joker.

Op has just said she resents the amount of leisure time. Why does he have one day off a week that is for himself? Does he not get involved with you/kids during that day? I would be massively pissed off in the instance. When do you have your day off?!!

I don't think yabu. It's a roller coaster having kids and if hubby was having a hard time I wouldn't go out. Your only asking that he helps before he goes out. It's give and take in our relationship and usually our "rule" is do what you like once babies in bed.

but op isnt complaining about that. she said she is happy about how they share parenting. maybe you should try believing OP as im sure she knows a lot more than you do about the situation

Who are you talking to araiwa

I might get bashed but I think you are being a tad precious compounded by your exhaustion.

You can manage to put your children to bed - let him go without a war - it's not even monthly - quite frankly it's non of your business if he keeps the table for his friends!

You both have equal leisure time.

I do sympathise but think you should not stir the pot

YANBU

It sounds like you're really tired and struggling at the moment, and in that situation I cannot understand the other parent NOT stepping in to help when being asked.

Yes, of course he deserves a night out, the same as you do, but you also deserve help from the father of your children when you really need it.

I'd be pretty hurt if my husband walked away from me when I asked for help. Your husband needs more empathy.

I'm sorry OP but my answer to your issue is the same that I always give in those threads.
He is acting like this because he is not feeling responsible in any shape or form of the children. AND he has no experience of the tiredness, how hard it is to juggle things etc...

My own experience is that DH only started to realise how hard it was after being left with both dcs repeatedly (NOT à one off where everything had been prepared for him!!).
He then started to take some responsibility only after I fell ill and stop taking responsibility (because I couldn't do it and needed to concentrate on myself rather than the dcs, DH and then me).

This is going further than trying to ensure you both have the same downtime. But I agree that this would be a very good start (starting with him putting both dcs to bed in his own)

For the posters saying my dh may be stressed etc. I don't think he is. He works 4 days a week so has a day to himself each week to dick about on his computer, do odd jobs etc. He has downtime.

Think this has been missed..they definitely don't have equal leisure time by the sounds of it

I don't believe that anyone 'deserve' or is entitled to a night out.

Sorry if this has been said. OP let him go out when he wants to as graciously as you can manage, after all he seldom goes out. Next time you go out, go out before bed, give your baby a full feed and go. I realise you might find this hard as I struggle to leave mine but don't make things easier for him. If he complains that it was stressful and difficult, then he must agree to not leave you alone at bedtimes again

Quite we don't have equal leisure time. Far from it. RTFT!

I'd be pretty hurt if my husband walked away from me when I asked for help.

This! On this occasion I don't think think it's about who goes out more or gets what downtime, it's about the OP being tearful, shaky and at the end of her rope and her DH not stepping in to help. OP has said he's a hands on Dad and pulls his weight so it sounds like there's generally a good balance.

I've been really poorly this week, feeling better now, but I know without a shadow of a doubt if I wasn't and asked my H to please help with bedtime before he goes on a planned night out tonight and that I was tearful and struggling, then he'd just tell the boys he'll meet them later and would stay and help me.

Nice drip feed. Am oot.

I'm not sure why people are saying he gets out less when he goes to the pub for 10 hours at a stretch.
I went to the pub last night, got there 10 minutes before kick off and there was plenty of free seats and tables.
He is BU

BluePeppers*

I don't believe that anyone 'deserve' or is entitled to a night out.

Well, with that attitude the mother isn't 'entitled' to or 'deserves' some down time away from the home either then??

I completely disagree.

Sorry but he should be a bit more concerned about his wife's post natal mental health than making sure he reserves a bloody table. Those posters defending him, would you not sacrifice an hour or two for your partner who was feeling sick, tearful and trapped?

In that case on his next day off I'd give him the kids for the whole day.
Express some milk for the little one and go to sleep.

I am not a fan of 'being allowed to go out' + 'having restrictions and conditions attached to my going out'. The whole point of me 'going out' is that (just for a wee while) I get to feel free and chilled, and go with the flow.

I have friends who attached so many 'rules' to their partners going out, that they might as well just have them on a very extended collar & lead

But, this arrangement has to work both ways.

So, next time OP goes out, she should express milk in readiness. Then, leave her DH wrangling the DCs and doing bedtime while she takes her leisurely time getting ready, then sashays out of the door with just a goodbye kiss for them all.