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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's nights out....

90 replies

OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots · 12/05/2017 10:31

I feel very tired and tearful so not sure if I'm being U...

We have a spirited 4yo and a 7mo baby.

I go out about once a month for a meal once the kids are asleep to a pub a 15 min walk away.

My husband goes out less but when he does it's a 3pm till 1am drinking session on a Saturday normally. He still pulls his weight the next day.

He's arranged to meet friends in a pub for food and watch the football tonight. Pub is in a different town that's not particularly easy to get to by public transport. 20 min drive or two trains / bus and a train. Football starts at 8pm.

This last week has been tough. 7mo hasn't been sleeping and I'm exhausted.

I've asked dh if he'll help me get kids to bed (or at least get 4yo to bed) then head out about 7pm. Ample time to get there for 8pm.

He wants to leave much earlier (5:30ish) to get a table etc. It's always him who arrives early to save a table (read the paper, enjoy a pint in peace, get out of bedtime etc).

I've asked him if one of the boys he is meeting (both single, no kids) can for once be the ones who get there early. He won't ask them.

AIBU for being annoyed about this?

He'll be relaxing in the pub while I'm struggling with a new bedtime routine for two children after a hard week of very little sleep.

OP posts:
robinia · 12/05/2017 11:20

Not quite the same as heading off to work in the morning knowing that he has no more responsibilities until the following day though.
I'm not saying he necessarily deserves or needs the break. Just maybe the op could cope if she knows she will get a proper break the following day. And keep the dp happy too.

stitchglitched · 12/05/2017 11:20

Yes but OP always goes out after bedtime. Why can't her husband return the favour whn she is having a difficult week?

Dadstheworld · 12/05/2017 11:21

DH goes out less often than OP. That in itself is a compromise.

Personally, I always run it by my DW if my plans impact bedtime, but on the other hand, I hate changing plans to my organised down time. Selfishly I would probably feel robbed of the little time I get. I am only human.

robinia · 12/05/2017 11:23

Because he has already organised his time off.
Maybe op can organise to leave before bedtime in future.
Dp sounds quite a good hands on dad from op's posts so I'd try to go with it on this occasion.

scottishdiem · 12/05/2017 11:24

I dont think there is much mileage in asking friends to do it your DHs way if he is the one that wants the table and the others would be happy to stand. For him, its part of his night out.

DP and I dont have (nor want) kids but it always seems to me that parents underestimate how exhausting one is and then have a second to compound the problem. Was DC1 much easier at that age so he cant see why you are so tired this time? Are you able to take time away from the baby for several hours to rest or is it exclusively bf? If so, can you express so he can do a good few of the feeds? You need rest but its not really just for a single bedtime on a day that has already been chosen as a rare night out (why is it always such bad timing that a mother is at the point of collapse on the DPs night out - I swear babies know these things). You need several hours rest from the baby (and more but start there). Ask him to cover some more whilst you rest.

stitchglitched · 12/05/2017 11:25

If I was on my knees and my partner refused to help out and change his plans by a couple of hours I'd feel utterly let down. There is nothing to suggest that OP is responsible for him going out less and that it is some sort of compromise of his. OP goes out for a meal, locally, after doing bedtime. Her partner goes out less often, for a proper night out and avoids bedtime.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/05/2017 11:25

I'm sorry you're feeling so incredibly tired & trapped 💐

Your DH is being really selfish about tonight. I think you just need to tell him that he either asks his mates to go early tonight to get the table or they take their chances getting one later because you need him to help with bedtime before going out. If he doesn't want to 'ask' he can just tell them he can't be there earlier & leave it up to them how they deal with that.

You need to start leaving them with him when they're awake. Quit being 'default' parent.

You need to get some sleep, can you express so he can do some night feeds & morning feeds/routine?

Yes, single parents & people whose partners work away etc have to do it, it doesn't mean you do when their Dad is there.

RedSkyAtNight · 12/05/2017 11:25

"I go out very seldom (less than once a month) and have a night out planned for Friday where I'm meeting friends at 5.30pm. However, DH has had a stressful and tiring week, including not sleeping much as the DC have been up and down during the night and has asked that I go out a bit later so I can help with bedtime first. AIBU to stick to my original plan?"

... would I suspect get a whole raft of response telling the OP that she was not remotely U and why on earth couldn't DH cope for 1 night by himself ...

user1489675144 · 12/05/2017 11:27

YABU - you go out each month - in fact you go out more than him. He pulls his weight after he has been out.
Parenting is tough you get more time out than him so why shouldn't he also have time out?

Dozer · 12/05/2017 11:29

OP is bf so can't go out before the baby is sleeping. Her H is going out many hours earlier than she does.

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/05/2017 11:29

I can totally relate op. Dh doesn't go out drinking with friends but does go cycling and to judo (I go running, but it's a nightmare to plan in because I am also breastfeeding and 6mo dd won't take a bottle). To be fair I think the issue is the way you're feeling, as your dh sounds like a good supportive dad and husband. BUT, I know that if I told my dh I was feeling like crap he'd adapt his plans as he'd want to do as much as possible and not shirk. So yanb entirely u. Sorry if I've missed it, but have you told him exactly how bad you're feeling?

Dozer · 12/05/2017 11:29

OP has not indicated that her H is struggling at present.

stitchglitched · 12/05/2017 11:31

Redsky if the husband had given birth a few months ago, was bf at night, feeling 'panicky, tearful and trapped' and he always helped with bedtime prior to his own nights out it would be remotely comparable.

tweezers · 12/05/2017 11:35

What Sitchglitched said. YANBU

Jackiebrambles · 12/05/2017 11:43

YANBU

He shouldn't have to 'ask' his mate to go and reserve a table. He can get a table when he arrives at the pub later after he's helped his knackered wife get the children to bed.

Shock horror at grown man in pub with no table!

Assuming he has legs, he can stand and watch the football if need be. That will still be better than the night you are likely to have.

Hugs for you OP.

Ceto · 12/05/2017 11:43

User, I can't see that OP is saying her husband shouldn't have time out; she's just asking that he should give up a couple of hours of it because just at the moment she is on her knees and needs some help. It's purely a matter of asking for some flexibility, which surely is absolutely reasonable between the parents of small children.

Plus I'd question whether OP really does have so much more time out than her husband. He goes out for 10 hours at a time, she goes out locally for a meal taking, I'd guess, a maximum of 3 hours.

confusedat23 · 12/05/2017 11:47

Hey OP I can't say if you are being unreasonable or not and neither if your husband is.

These sorts of boundaries are set by your own relationship.

However do you have someone else who can help you, a friend? or your mother or someone? Infact if he does go out earlier and you get someone else to help you could have a nice bath or something and you both can wind down.

Men can be very good at hiding when things at home are hard for them and so maybe he is feeling just as stressed as you so needs that extra time.

CoolioAndTheGang · 12/05/2017 11:51

YANBU. In our house the agreement about going out is: kids have to be in bed first unless it is for work. Your DH is being selfish and unreasonable.

Dozer · 12/05/2017 11:54

OP has said she has no local support.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/05/2017 11:55

Mum - goes out occasionally once kids are in bed, locally and is back sooner. No real impact on the dad as kids are bathed and in bed asleep. Given they are his kids...

Dad - goes out very occasionally during the witching hour, further away and is back much later. Leaving mum to do all the evening routine.

Both parents get to go out but it's very much why does dad Get to opt out sooner and have the easier time? It should be equal.

Tveflick · 12/05/2017 12:02

Op I can't help with ur partner but may I suggest getting a sling for ur DD as u can do all things needed around house and will help her sleep being close to u and u maybe u can get a bit of rest once she's settled on u, worked wonders with my DD hope u get the rest u need x

BusterGonad · 12/05/2017 12:06

I'm not sure about this one, as I was often the poor sod that had to do the bedtimes before going out and would've done anything to get out of them, I can understand why your husband wants to leave early and have a drink on his own in the pub and I love doing this also. If I were you I'd just get on with it and do the bedtime on my own, then when it's my turn to go out if leave super early too and make a night of it.

VerySadInside · 12/05/2017 12:11

It's one night less than once a month, so what maximum this is the 5th time since DC2?

If he is generally very hands on and will be doing the grafting tomorrow then I'd just get on with it. That sounds like very little socialising for an adult and he probably needs it.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 12/05/2017 12:20

I don't much like men and I think most of them are pretty selfish and awful. However it does sound like your husband is ok, he goes out less than you and still pulls his weight after a late night out.

I think he is entitled to his night out so let him have it, it's one night and you know he is going to help when he comes back.

I'm sure neither of you want to be prisoners in the house, it's important for you both to get out and let your hair down occasionally while the children are small and needy or you'd go nuts.

Original poster
OrangeGiraffeBlackSpots · 12/05/2017 12:21

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and respond. I've had a little cry and I'm just going to suck up whatever today throws at me. My dh is an excellent dad so he does deserve downtime.

I'll discuss with him about his friends coming over to our town some of the time in future so he doesn't have as far to travel etc.

I can cope for one night.

For the posters saying my dh may be stressed etc. I don't think he is. He works 4 days a week so has a day to himself each week to dick about on his computer, do odd jobs etc. He has downtime.

He has form for trying to sometimes take easy route. When dc2 was about a month old he stayed overnight in a training course to avoid getting up at 5:30am ConfusedHmm

My evenings out don't impact him, but his afternoons / evenings out do impact me and what we can do as s family. But that's a different thread.

Anyway, as I've said, I can cope tonight. I'll suck it up 😁

Just hope my littlest one goes down with minimal fuss 😁

OP posts:
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