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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this too far to move from my mum?

55 replies

Insomanywords · 12/05/2017 07:18

I actually think the answer to this question is no.

But I need impartial answers to see whether I can help my mum see sense and understand her perspective.

I currently live 15 miles from my mum and in the opposite direction 20 miles from my dh and I work.

We are talking about moving the 20 miles to our work place town, a) because it seems daft us both doing the drive every day and b) we get more for our money than where we currently live and c) it's a lovely area, so we will be 35 miles from my mum.

I speak on the phone to my mum most evenings and see her every two-three weeks 3/4 visits we go to her, 1 in 4 she comes to ours.

Well since I mentioned that we were looking at a new house, she has brought it up that she can't believe I'd leave my own mother and move so far away and that she'll never see me. I say I currently do the journey every single day I am more than happy to do the journey every couple of weeks to visit her.

AIBU to think this isn't a big deal?

As back story, she moved 150 miles away from her mum at a similar age to I am now, and I have a sister who lives 275 miles away.

My mum has a husband and lots of friends and is v active so not lonely or difficulty travelling. In fact her sister lives 30 miles beyond where we are looking at moving to and she sees her once a month.

OP posts:

witsender · 12/05/2017 07:20

She is being unreasonable, and is putting an awful lot of emotional pressure on you. Don't engage, just blythly tell her it will be fine each time she mentions it and change the subject.

Hassled · 12/05/2017 07:20

Your mother is being ridiculous and of course you should move. 35 miles is nothing.

But her reaction does imply she's lonely/bored - is there anything you can do to encourage her to get out. join a club, fill her days a bit more?

cittigirl · 12/05/2017 07:21

Are you sure she's not joking?

Ecureuil · 12/05/2017 07:22

35 miles? Thats nothing, especially if you're the one who usually does the travelling to visit.
Over the past 10 years I think the closest I've lived to my mum is about 70 miles away (we've moved around a lot, including abroad). We're very close. She wouldn't dream of guilt tripping me around where we live.

Original poster

Insomanywords · 12/05/2017 07:27

I thought she was joking to begin with and she made it clear she wasn't.

She's said things like it'll be like I've fallen off the end of the world. I've responded it's ok each day I seem to be able to get back!!

OP posts:

araiwa · 12/05/2017 07:30

i live 6000 miles away from my mum and dad

my brother lives 11500 miles from my mum and dad

35 miles is nothing

Mislou · 12/05/2017 07:30

I thought you were going to say you were a carer for your mum. It seems a strange thing to say. So many people live in different countries to their parents.So she's saying you don't have the right to choose where to live?

Original poster

Insomanywords · 12/05/2017 07:31

She does a lot, she travels on holiday every two - three months, she is active member in a number of clubs like Rotary and is on the board, she has a v part time job where she does casual cover etc.

TBH to see her every 2/3 weeks I have to book in my slot, so I don't think she wants to see me anymore. Which I have no issue with and don't think I'll see her less with the move.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2017 07:34

Is she often a bit dramatic?
It's not far and won't effect your relationship.

DitchCamille · 12/05/2017 07:36

I too thought you were going to say you were her carer and that the longer journey would make that harder for you.

Of course you can move 35 miles away from a mother who is cracking on with her own life.

Actually, I think it would be to your benefit that move further away even if it wasn't closer to your work and a better place to live!

NoSquirrels · 12/05/2017 07:39

Ha! Ignore. She'll come around!

ToesInWater · 12/05/2017 07:40

I moved overseas when I was 26 and never lived in the same country as my mum again. I loved her dearly and we were close - I spoke to her 2/3 times a week and visited every 3-4 months - but she never made me feel guilty about how I chose to live my life. She died 14 years ago and we moved to Australia four years later. TBH I don't think I could have moved so far away if she was still alive but I'm guessing you are talking about an extra half hour or so! I think your mum is being really out of order tbh, I understand she likes how close you currently are but it sounds like the move would be a really good one for you and your DH so it's not unreasonable for you to expect her to support you.

picklemepopcorn · 12/05/2017 07:55

She must have taken some kind of comfort and security from knowing you were so near. As people get older they worry about not being able to drive, etc, and you moving further away perhaps has made her think about those kind of things more, even if they aren't relevant now.

Of course in real terms, nothing need change and she is being a drama lama. I'd try framing it as how much more relaxed and refreshed you'll be without the daily commute, how much easier things will be financially, and that you'll be able to spend more time with her rather than less.

Cocklodger · 12/05/2017 07:58

That's gotta be what, a 45 minute drive ish? That's nothing tbh - as long as you're happy to do the visiting.
I live around 11,000 miles from my mum 😂

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/05/2017 07:59

I'd point out to her that she moved away from her parents at a similar age and much further and if it really is important to her that she lives near you then as she is the retired one, she could move to being near you.

Don't let it bother you, lots of "don't be silly mum, if no one moved away from their parents then we'd all still live in x town. If you can move away to make a better life for you and your kids, why can't I?"

LadySalmakia · 12/05/2017 08:00

Bless. She's being ridiculous and you know it. I moved 280 miles away from my mum when I was 18 and she said "goodbye and good luck" with a smile and I see her four or five times a year. However, PHONES EXIST. Also she can use WhatsApp now.

Crumbs1 · 12/05/2017 08:01

She's being unreasonable. Your mother is not your primary consideration unless she's dependent on you for care or similar. It's hardly the other side of the world.

Eolian · 12/05/2017 08:06

Huh? We recently moved from one hour to four hours away from my parents, for no other reason than that we fancied a change of scenery. People are not obliged to live anywhere near their parents. I fully expect my dc to go and live wherever they like and would actually be a bit sad for them if they felt they wanted to stay in the very small dot on the planet where I happen to be.

grumpygiraffe · 12/05/2017 08:10

I'd move as far away from her as possible. YANBU. She is.

user1483387154 · 12/05/2017 08:13

She is being ridiculous. My brother lives 26hrs flight away, I live 2.5 hrs flight away.

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/05/2017 08:17

YANBU! Assuming you visit her every 2 weeks (I know it's 2-3 but for illustrative purposes!) you'll be travelling 330 miles less per fortnight, have more relaxation time, lower travel costs and be able to afford a nicer home.

She's being silly and selfish and hopefully she'll realise that soon.

Mupflup · 12/05/2017 08:19

She's being ridiculous and selfish! My guess would be that she's always taken it for granted you'd be down the road to look after her if anything happened and this has thrown her a bit. My mum is only 70 and is in good health with an active social life but I know 'who will look after me when I'm old' is high on the list of things she thinks about!

junebirthdaygirl · 12/05/2017 08:20

Sometimes as you get older it takes longer to adjust to change. Obviously you dont change your plan to suit her especially as she doesnt need care but give her time to adjust. Just reassure her you'll be around just as often or maybe more as you will not be driving 20 miles to work each day..Some people panic with change so reassure her at the same time as packing up. You are doing nothing wrong. Your plan makes perfect sense..

kel1493 · 12/05/2017 08:21

She's being a a bit selfish I think
I live 250 miles from both my parents. It's not really a problem.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/05/2017 08:22

Wow she is being irrational and selfish all at the same time.

I've lived anywhere from 4,000 to 11,000 miles away from my mum most of my adult life. Now we are less than a mile apart and I love it!

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