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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this too far to move from my mum?

55 replies

Insomanywords · 12/05/2017 07:18

I actually think the answer to this question is no.

But I need impartial answers to see whether I can help my mum see sense and understand her perspective.

I currently live 15 miles from my mum and in the opposite direction 20 miles from my dh and I work.

We are talking about moving the 20 miles to our work place town, a) because it seems daft us both doing the drive every day and b) we get more for our money than where we currently live and c) it's a lovely area, so we will be 35 miles from my mum.

I speak on the phone to my mum most evenings and see her every two-three weeks 3/4 visits we go to her, 1 in 4 she comes to ours.

Well since I mentioned that we were looking at a new house, she has brought it up that she can't believe I'd leave my own mother and move so far away and that she'll never see me. I say I currently do the journey every single day I am more than happy to do the journey every couple of weeks to visit her.

AIBU to think this isn't a big deal?

As back story, she moved 150 miles away from her mum at a similar age to I am now, and I have a sister who lives 275 miles away.

My mum has a husband and lots of friends and is v active so not lonely or difficulty travelling. In fact her sister lives 30 miles beyond where we are looking at moving to and she sees her once a month.

OP posts:
robinia · 12/05/2017 08:26

The difference between 15 and 35 miles is peanuts for a once a week trip. The extra 20 miles will take what, 30 minutes?

blueskyinmarch · 12/05/2017 08:34

Blimey that isn’t far at all. My DD has moved 350 miles away from us!

isawahatonce · 12/05/2017 08:34

YANBU. You are far better off having a shorter daily commute and then going a bit further to see your mum every couple of weeks. She'll be fine, it really isn't that far and it won't really affect her but I am completely in favour of shortening daily commutes wherever possible.

elQuintoConyo · 12/05/2017 08:35

I mived to Europe 20 years ago and have only been back to visit. My Dsis moved to NZ 15 years ago and has been back twice.

My DM visits me 10 days a year. She visits my DSis twice a year for 2 months each time, including Christmas (they have her favourite grandchildren).

She waved us both off with a smile when we left, ditto my DF.

I'd hate to have claustrophobic parents, you have my sympathies Flowers

In your shoes I would totally ignore her tantrums/demands. "Call me whan you've grown up" and get on with your life.

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 12/05/2017 08:36

I love thousands of miles away from my mum. She's lucky it will only be 35miles. It's nothing!!

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 12/05/2017 08:36

Live ffs

Clandestino · 12/05/2017 08:39

Your Mum is ridiculous and very selfish. There's 1600 miles between me and my Mum. She is very active and busy and I can't imagine her emotionally blackmailing me into moving back. We talk, we meet, we email. There's enough contact between us.

Joinourclub · 12/05/2017 08:39

Very odd. If she was used to seeing you several times a week, I would understand her upset. But 35 miles is no distance to travel every 2/3 weeks. Especially as it will be you doing the travelling!

Ceto · 12/05/2017 08:40

Please ask her how a distance of 35 miles is off the end of the world and one she thinks no-one could conceivably think of doing? After all, you're currently doing 40 miles a day just travelling to and from work.

viques · 12/05/2017 08:40

What a selfish thing for her to say. I hope your house hunting goes well.

araiwa · 12/05/2017 08:43

tell her to move house

DissonantInterval · 12/05/2017 08:48

There will be loads of people wishing they only lived that distance from their DC. It's nothing! Mine are at the other end of the country and although it's really tiring coming and going, I'm just glad we're in the same country. I think you need to be pretty firm over emotional blackmail and help her to realise that this is no distance at all and bearing in mind the job situation really very good indeed, as a lot of people have little choice but to go where the work is. Good luck with the move.

ajandjjmum · 12/05/2017 08:50

Do it now before she gets older - it'll only get worse.

She is being unreasonable, but you know that.

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 08:50

It sounds like no matter where you live she'll always be at the centre of her own universe. You're not obliged to help keep her there. YANBU.

TinfoilHattie · 12/05/2017 08:51

She's being pathetic. 35 miles is far less than an hour away.

TatianaLarina · 12/05/2017 08:52

I live around 35 miles from my sister, I consider I live near her. It's an hour's journey. I see her all the time.

Henrysmycat · 12/05/2017 08:54

Holly molly. I live in different country to my parents, the furthest corner of this continent and my brother lives in the West Coast US. We visit my parents 1 very 2 months and my brother once a year, twice if lucky. 35 miles is nothing. I'm surprised she didn't agree with you so you don't spend half your life in a car. What a strange comment.

WowserBowser · 12/05/2017 08:56

A 45 minute journey every 2-3 weeks is nothing! How crazy. I thought you were going to say much further away. We used to go about once a month to see my grandparents which was 3 hours away.

I see my Dad once or twice a week and im about 20 mins away. It's not much more than that once you are in the car.

Im sure she'll get over it quickly.

Ethylred · 12/05/2017 08:59

Emigrate.

That'll larn her.

Vagndidit · 12/05/2017 09:11

I dunno. I'd be tempted hand her a grip in the matter. Funny enough, my MIL guilts SIL for never visiting despite living literally a mile up the road, where as her son (DH) who moved 4000 miles away never gets so much as a groan about it. Maybe it's a mother-daughter thing.

It wasn't easy, but I chose to move away from home years ago. Mercifully my mother doesn't lay on the guilt as heavily as yours.

PickAChew · 12/05/2017 09:13

Of course it's not too far! I live 100 miles from my mum!

ChasedByBees · 12/05/2017 09:13

Grin Grin 35 miles. Just Grin

angryladyboobs · 12/05/2017 09:28

She's worried about loosing you. Reassure her.

Tbh I'm a 2 minute walk from my mothers house (1 minute without a toddler) and I'd still like to live closer.

But we are very close.

Lottie991 · 12/05/2017 09:33

I think she is being selfish, yanbu at at all op.

user1493022461 · 12/05/2017 09:43

You don't see her very often and you live basically round the corner.

Only in the UK is 35 miles seen as far to anyone!