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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD11 threatened by another parent today

102 replies

keepingonrunning · 11/05/2017 20:43

According to DD, she had made a well intentioned but lame joke in class to the group she calls friends. One of this group took it very personally. DD apologised straight away. Friend would not forgive. DD was blanked at break and apologised again. The group of friends still refused to forgive and ran away from her.
At the end of the school day the class teacher sorted it all out. DD and all the friends left happily. Friend who had been offended waved to DD as she was driven past in her car on the way home. However her father leaned out of the car window and said to DD, "You had better behave tomorrow or there will be consequences".
Any considered advice? I have got on ok with these parents in the past on an arranging playdates level. I don't know what to do, if anything.

OP posts:
Ktown · 11/05/2017 23:10

well I got told about consequences of a cock up at work - I had to sort out my own mess
Embarrassing? Very.
But I learnt my lesson.

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 11/05/2017 23:15

But it's not about what the DD did

It's about a grown man shouting something out of the window at an 11 year old child. Without saying his words were meant to intimidate

blerp · 11/05/2017 23:20

It's funny how easily fairly moderate words can be turned into intolerable threats by our instinct to protect our children.

Sometimes a step back and a cold, rational attitude is really helpful.

StickThatInYourPipe · 11/05/2017 23:21

-ScarlettFreestone not too much experience with the the leaders of girl groups eh? I can just see how this went down, turning the others against OPs DD. That in turn is also bullying as is making them all runaway from her at lunch and probably being nasty about her for the rest of the day. I really feel sorry for OPs DD here and then to top it off with the girls dad threatening her? It's disgusting

Original poster
keepingonrunning · 11/05/2017 23:33

There is a history of shit stirring in the group. The class teacher has been really proactive in addressing it and this is the first flare-up of tension for a while.
The issue is with the adult - the parent - not the children.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/05/2017 23:37

For some reason I'm imagining the dad to be David Cameron, and wagging his finger.

None of us know what really happened, but the other girl obviously doesn't feel she did anything wrong if she told her dad straight after school.

I can't help wondering if there is an ongoing thing between these girls and the dad has heard enough now.

I'd ask him what he meant by "there will be consequences" to get his take on the situation.

ScarlettFreestone · 12/05/2017 01:00

Stick but it could just as easily have been the other way round. Neither of us were there. Neither was the OP.

I was a girl and I have a daughter so I do understand the dynamics of girls groups - but thanks anyway. Hmm

MissEliza · 12/05/2017 01:12

The father said she should behave or "there will be consequences". That is intimidating language as it is not his role to put consequences in place. If a teacher or parent said it, that's appropriate because it's their responsibility to do that. He may have meant consequences from the school or he may have meant he'll take matters in his own hand.! I can't tell and I'm a grown up. It would be reasonable for your dd to feel intimidated by that. If someone said to an adult "You'd better do ......, or there will be consequences", they'd feel intimidated. Why does a child get less rights?

youarenotkiddingme · 12/05/2017 06:50

The other girl didn't think she did something wrong if she told her dad straight after school.

I wouldn't take that as read. My friends DD could stand there and say dreadful things and even hurt other children in front of adults. She would always excuse and defend her DD.
Then when others started to move away from her and refuse to play she claimed she was being bullied by them.

I'm still on the side of teaching children to forgive and not hold a grudge but if there genuinely is an issue than an adult needs to know.

I feel sorry for teachers though that end up spending the whole year dealing with little Talula who's being bullied by everyone when everyone but the parents know and accept it's her fault.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/05/2017 06:57

They have to learn to handle these minor events themselves. Imagine a grown man confronting a child like that. How ridiculous.

Totally agree! The dad is an aggressive dickhead. I'd be so annoyed!

Just totally unnecessary interference in children's affairs by a grown adult who should know better.

ArtemisiaGentilleschi · 12/05/2017 07:09

Shall we try and imagine the reverse?

OP "dd was teased (again) by her so-called friend. This has been going on since yr 4. The teacher intervened and made the girl apologise but my did is so fed up and stressed by the whole thing that (quite rightly IMO as mother lioness) she refused to accept the apology. She was still upset when she came out of school and told her dad who was picking her up. Seeing the other girl going happily on her way he wound his window down and told her to leave off dd or there would be trouble. I have no doubt that this girl will be telling her parents it was all a big joke."

As teachers we hear these dual stories time after time.

No, the Dad shouldn't have shouted at the kid who many people on here seem to be forgetting started the teasing. He should go into the school. Maybe he'll do that today.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/05/2017 07:17

As they say "There's three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth".

Now I just want to state I am categorically NOT saying your DD is a bully but I just wanted to add my twopennysworth.
When DD was being bullied at her last school, the bullys Mum believed THEIR version of events, including the bits where my DD was apparently threatening to heat the crap put it him every night, this is the same DD who wouldn't say boo to a goose. The truth in fact, was the other way around, they'd been threatening my DD, but it didn't matter, she believed him.

Firstly, I wouldn't outrightly believe my DD, even after all she's been through there was a incident between her and another child, it turned out to be a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other. I did not choose to believe DDs version outright. I listened to both sides, as did the school, apologies were made and it's all been sorted.

In all honestly, I'd check what the other child's version of events were first, it just seems way OTT to threaten a child with 'there will be consequences' over something as trivial as teasing about liking a boy. Any teacher or lunchtime staff worth their salt will tell you this is practically a daily thing.

If it's established that there is all there is to it then it's clear hes just trying to be intimidating, and I'd make school aware just to put it on their radar.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/05/2017 07:19

Artemisia, you can imagine all you like, but you lost me at this part:

...he wound his window down and told her to leave off dd or there would be trouble.

That's unnecessarily aggressive from a man to a young girl, and I would not be okay with it, regardless of the backstory.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/05/2017 07:23

The father said she should behave or "there will be consequences". That is intimidating language as it is not his role to put consequences in place.

Well yes I agree, but context needs to be given. I.e in my DCs school, the consequences for bad behaviour are x no of sad faces = no playtime. In my Nephews and Nieces schools, the consequences of bad behaviour are x no of Negatives = Detention. In my friends DCs school, the consequences of bad behaviour are... consequences. X no of consequences = no playtime.

Ricecrispies16 · 12/05/2017 07:25

I couldn't leave that. How dare he approach the child in such a threatening manner. I'd have to speak to him and explain in no uncertain terms that it's entirely inappropriate to threaten my daughter and that if HE behaves like that again then it would be HIM on the receiving end of consequences. What is wrong with people!?

Armadillostoes · 12/05/2017 07:33

Again-it doesn't matter what the father meant-he should not have been saying it in the first place.

It still doesn't sound as though the OP's DD actuary did anything whivh needed consequences. It sounds more as though she was the victim of bullying if anything. But regardless of the rights and wrongs, it was not the place of that particular adult to start trying to deal with directly with the OP's DD.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/05/2017 07:36

I'd have to speak to him and explain in no uncertain terms that it's entirely inappropriate to threaten my daughter and that if HE behaves like that again then it would be HIM on the receiving end of consequences.

And all that will lead to is a simple disagreement that can be easily sorted by the school having a quite and stern word with him turning into an argument escalating out of control.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/05/2017 07:38

Armadillo I've made it quite clear that he shouldn't have said it. But context needs to be given. Also we only have one side of the story.

araiwa · 12/05/2017 07:41

how dare a father stick up for his young dd who is being bullied.

he didnt threaten to beat her up, he didnt get out of the car and intimidate her, he told her to stop bullying his daughter and that if the bullying continued, she might find herself in trouble.

good on him

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/05/2017 07:45

But regardless of the rights and wrongs, it was not the place of that particular adult to start trying to deal with directly with the OP's DD.

Well no, and I've addressed that in my earlier posts when I advised the OP to let the school know about his behaviour Confused

My DD suffered for over a years worth of bullying, I never once dealt with it with the bullies mum because a) she was completely deluded and b) it was school policy to not approach the parents. This policy came about after two mums had a full on scrap , hair pulling punches the lot, all this took place in front of a class of shocked Yr2s. This all started from different versions of events too. Again, easily sorted if they'd just left the school to it.

The incident between my DD and another child that happened a few months ago. Me and the Mum sorted it out. There is similar policy at this school (go to the school - not the parent). I didn't feel threatened as I see her as a reasonable human being.

Now if the consequences thing doesn't mean consequences as in my DCs friends school, then yes by all means he's being completely intimidating and needs bringing to heel.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 12/05/2017 08:06

Haven't read the whole thread as rushing out to work - but my approach with children's quarrels (unless there's something major going on) has always been light touch.
You want these things to blow over (and so will your daughter) and whilst I agree the Dad shouldn't have said what he did, truly the best approach is least said - soonest mended.
It may have been a spur of the moment reaction on his part, he's feeling protective - his daughter tells her there was a blow up at school and she got teased and he just flared up and felt the need to say something. Not appropriate - he probably went home told the mum and she gave him a royal telling off. His daughter was probably embarrassed as it became obvious in that moment that she had 'told tales' even though the situation had been resolved.
If I was going to say anything to him I would just try and clear the air rather than going on the attack.

newdaddie · 12/05/2017 08:09

Children can be nasty little shits to each other, and guess who the worst ones are??? The ones whose parents come wading in and threatening children.

araiwa and annie if you think the dad 'sticking up for their kid' is acceptable behaviour than I hope my dd never comes into contact with your children.

OP even if your daughter was the nasty one I would still definitely speak to the school, just so the dad doesn't make a habit of threatening children. Also if it was my dd than I would speak to the other mum (not the loose cannon dad) because I'm able to be objective and I would want to know the other side to the story; not to defend my dd but to be able to discipline and teach my dd.

Personally I think my dd is great but I know she is human too, she needs to learn from her mistakes if she is going to achieve the great things we hope from her.

Whatsername17 · 12/05/2017 08:19

I'd talk to the parents. Politely, just pointing out that your dd knows she went too far and apologised. And also, that if a the father feels the need to take things further he is welcome to address it with you. Because if he threatens your child again, there will indeed be consequences.

Carriecakes80 · 12/05/2017 08:28

Of course you're going to be upset, but there are some twats in this world who just don't know how to take a joke, and this kid will be one of them sadly with a parent like this.There was no need to carry this on whatsoever. I personally would talk to the school privately and let this be known what he's said. Then shrug it off and forget about it xxx

Cloudhopping · 12/05/2017 08:45

His reaction seems excessive taking into account the incident you describe. I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye.

Under the circumstances I'd want to know whether my dd was making a habit of teasing or mean behaviour and would talk to the school. I'm not saying your dd is the problem, but as a parent, it would just raise a little question mark in my mind that I would want to explore before I jump to any conclusions about the father bring totally unreasonable.

(If there are no concerns from the school about your dds behaviour, then yes he was being totally unreasonable!)