DD11 threatened by another parent today

[keepingonrunning]

According to DD, she had made a well intentioned but lame joke in class to the group she calls friends. One of this group took it very personally. DD apologised straight away. Friend would not forgive. DD was blanked at break and apologised again. The group of friends still refused to forgive and ran away from her.
At the end of the school day the class teacher sorted it all out. DD and all the friends left happily. Friend who had been offended waved to DD as she was driven past in her car on the way home. However her father leaned out of the car window and said to DD, "You had better behave tomorrow or there will be consequences".
Any considered advice? I have got on ok with these parents in the past on an arranging playdates level. I don't know what to do, if anything.

[purplecollar]

I have an 11 year old dd. It's probably nothing to do with what she said. One or two just like to exclude, manipulate, bully. They focus on any slight thing to use as bait.

I would leave it. But go into school if your dd is subsequently being excluded/bullied on account of this.

[ShakingAndShocked]

it's not bullying. Bullying is sustained. It's an unkind comment, and you'd do better to encourage her to blow it off.

What bollocks - so if someone is bullied/beaten up (yes, I too know the kind of schools that PP speaks of) once then it wasn't bullying? What warped logic is that?

As for encouraging her to 'blow it off' - ESP given already had experience of bullying men in her life - then yes, that's a fantastic idea. Tell her how us girls/women have no right to our legitimate feelings in response to feeling intimidated and that to always cower in the face of the menz. FFS.

OP I too suspect truth is somewhere in the middle as always is IME but no, I would not condone nor accept a grown man hurling that out of a car window to me or DD. Either have a word with school or with him, maybe get your DD to ring you at break tomm to let you know how friend has been with her as at least that will inform you of the gap or gulf between how friend is and how her Dad was (which in turn should give you a steer about what to do IYKWIM).

[RoseGoldHippie]

I was always the one making the stupid jokes and then being blanked by the 'popular' group I desperately wanted to be friends with. Spent many a night as a chil upset because of the bitchy 'girl gang policitcs'. Once I grew up a bit I met new friends I could be myself around, tbh I wish I could tell my younger self not to be bothered by the horrible girls.

The dad had no right to act that way, but then I wonder what he was told by the girl, I imagine she is the queen bee of the group for all others to also act nastily to your dp. It's sucks but hopefully she will make some real friends soon

[keepingonrunning]

Thank you Con and everyone for your replies, especially the supportive ones.

[keepingonrunning]

It's impossible to give an easily offended person a wide berth when you have to be at school with them every day.

[gamerchick]

Personally I think the lesson to teach here is how to distinguish from a friend or pretend friend. Friends don't turn on you at the drop of a hat like that until you've suffered enough.

Tbh it sounds as if the friend is learning a fair bit from her dad.

[purplecollar]

I think it's an immediate reaction. He'll feel an idiot later. We all think ours are white as snow. Then realise later, as more details come out, the story isn't quite what we thought.

[keepingonrunning]

Interesting point gamer

[Jux]

Some people take themselves far too seriously. The dad sounds like a bully - which of us would say something like that to a 11 yo? None of us, I bet.

Poor child. You really should be able to tease your friends as long as they can tease you and it's all meant in good part. Humour is essential in life.

[Misswiggy]

I would definitely speak to him and ask him to clarify exactly what he meant by his comment? Maybe then you can get to the bottom of what his daughter told him happened. No way would I let it lie if another parent spoke to my child like that. Stay calm though.

[bingisthebest]

I really find parents like that are so wrong. When I was a kid I would've been really worried by that. Steer clear if o were you.

[user1471531877]

It's completely unacceptable for a parent to intimidate your daughter like that when she was alone.
Im sure the school will take note of this and I agree should be told - in the case of a grown man speaking to a lone girl in this manner I believe it was designed to intimidate and he should be told this is unacceptable or he will not be welcome on school grounds.
What an unpleasant bully !

[youarenotkiddingme]

Kids aren't born with a fully fitted functioning filter. They say things that offend and learn to apologise and adapt their behaviour to the audience on future.


Really good advice from gamer above about teaching children that friends don't expect you to beg forever for forgiveness after an apology. I've always taught ds that if someone is saying sorry they feel bad enough to do it - pride and all that and he decides to accept and move on or distance himself but that's his choice and he doesn't reprimand the other person forever.

However this dad is a grown up - he should have learnt by now to control his mouth and not say things that will upset and intimidate another young girl.

He also risks alienating his DD from her friends if he threatens them all over a small incident. He risks all her friends clubbing together without her because they are scared to talk to her for fear of offending unintentionally and getting threatened.

[keepingonrunning]

I can't see any future playdates happening with this family now.

[Foxysoxy01]

You need to speak with the school.

Tell DD not to worry he was just trying to be funny/jokey but it didn't come across well.

Then maybe have a chat about her ribbing friends and how would she feel etc etc.

Then keep your head down, don't be drawn into it by the father and let school deal with it all if they feel it necessary.

[keepingonrunning]

It's true, I will tell DD she shouldn't have to beg for forgiveness. An apology would be accepted by a good friend fairly quickly, then everyone becomes able to move on.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

If i knew them from previous playdates id contact him and say something like -

'hi dd has told me what went on today at school. She made a daft, ill judged childish comment trying to be funny and realises that and that she needs to think before she speaks. Luckily the teacher resolved it. She is quite upset by what you said to her about their 'being consequences if she doesnt behave'. I can underatand you were maybe annoyed when x told you, but can I just ask you to contact myself in future instead of talking to dd directly and i will speak to her and punish her as i see fit as she felt quite intimidated and im sure that wasnt how you meant it to come across but at such a young age things can be misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. Thanks.

[woodhill]

Totally emphasise Rose it's easy to blurt things out when you are trying to fit in then bitchy people use it as a stick to beat you.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

*there

[MammaTJ]

My DD told me the father of a girl she had fallen out with was giving her the bird on the way home from school the other day.

I don't particularly like the man, but on judgement, I do not think DD is telling the truth.

I think if anything, this man also made a poorly judged joke, the same a your DD had. Tell her that and move on and try to get her to do the same.

[GwenStaceyRocks]

I wouldn't contact him. You don't actually know what happened in school. If your DD's entire friendship group thought she was in the wrong then it may be she was more upsetting/offensive than she is admitting.
I also disagree that friends have to forgive quickly when you apologise. Saying sorry is easy. It's not necessarily sincere.

[Italiangreyhound]

Keep it is very scary the way you describe this...

" Friend would not forgive. DD was blanked at break and apologised again. The group of friends still refused to forgive and ran away from her."

Just imagine that it easily could have gone the other way in that another child could have made a joke about/to your dd and she or he could have received this treatment.

My point is that it is best to move on and if you going to school or speaking to other parent elongates this then it will probably reflect badly on the person who started it, your dd!

I think in light of this I would also encourage your dd just to be open to other friends because the reaction described is really strong to me and not of a nice bunch of friends who can be depended on.

I would NOT say this to your dd (kids are silly enough to repeat things, 'Guess what my mum said....")

but I would encourage your dd to have plenty of other friends and interests because not accepting an apology and running away is a really mean thing to do and the fact the others did the latter in support of their dd's 'offended' friend is very childish to me (again do not repeat me!!!)

Best wishes,

[ScarlettFreestone]

Personally I would politely pick up the phone to the other family and find out what their view on this is.

I'd lay money they have a different version.

Your DD tells you "it was just a joke" fair enough, but their DD may be coming home everyday upset because of "jokes".

Maybe this one was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The father shouldn't have said anything to you DD of course but if your child is being regularly upset it is difficult to bite your tongue.

As for a "friend should accept your apology" Hmmmmm.

I would turn that around and wonder why she won't accept the apology?

Is this joke long running? Has she asked her to stop before?

If nothing else I'd use it as an object lesson. If you make fun of someone else, sometimes they get upset which may lead to unpleasant consequences.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Toysaurus. Dear god, I bet you're very, very, glad to be out of there. What a terrifying place to live. It's a disgrace that we have places like that in the UK.

[Armadillostoes]

I think that there is a lot of victim blaming going on here. At the end of the day a grown man threatened an eleven year old child. Whatever he thought was going on, that was not acceptable.

None of us know what really happened in the school, but given that the girl who took offence had enough influence over the friendship group to persuade them to blank the OP's DD, she sounds far likely to have been the bully than the bullied. Not only do friends forgive, they don't vindictively try to use other people to punish you.

But whatever the rights and wrongs amongst the children, what the man did was unacceptable.