Aibu to think a sex issue may be the least of our problems ?

[Anon5678943]

N/c .. Oh god where do I start. So ive had an issue with dh lately, we have been together for over 3 years, living together for 2 married for 18month.
Here's some back story, sorry this is long really don't want to drip feed
After we lived together for about 6 month ( around
Our wedding )we started becoming very lax with contraception, and used the pulling out method. We knew this wasn't very effective but we felt stable enough that it wouldn't be a problem if something was to happen and we were married after all it wouldn't be the craziest.

Lately our circumstances have changed financially and I wasn't happy anymore with if an accident was to happen. I went on the pill and every one I tried was stopping my period with other pills having strong side effects. The stopped periods were more stressful than the pulling out method all together.

I finally had enough and said we would have to move to condoms for the near future until I can adjust my cycle back to normal and work out better contraception. He wasn't that happy about it but I was kind of like tough shit and so we moved on.

At first they worked fine no problems at all. Then it started becoming a problem and he would lose his erection. I was very patient and we would do other things instead. He then started getting more annoyed at the condoms saying "he can't feel anything at all". I thought he was just being stubborn and waiting for me to go fine we will just pull out again, I stood my ground we bought different types and brands in case that was the issue but no.

One time during sex he pulled the condom off and I didn't realise, he told me like 5 seconds later and I made him stop and I told him I wasn't happy at all, he was joking around and not taking it serious.
He thinks because pulling out worked so well it's fine, I've said it's not worth the risk at this point in our lives, and said he is being a huge baby about it.

The condom issue got worse and worse to the point I was dreading initiating sex, he had already stopped initiating it all together which was making me feel pretty shit tbh, every time I even tried he'd make excuses or moan, it was a lot of rejection. I explained to him that it was making me feel insecure and that we used to use condoms all the time and I don't see the problem, he said he understood and didnt want me to be upset and he would try harder to fix it.

So here we are tonight, we got in bed, he had left our heating on and the bedroom was so hot so I put the fan on, I said am just going to cool down then we could start initiating something, he grunted or something and was already in a shitty mood and acting pretty miserable. He was dozing and I shook him awake and said like heyyy kind of thing, he starts his whole show the rolling the eyes, snapped like 5 times he was sleeping, I said like yeah sorry I know if you want to sleep we can just go back to sleep. Then he goes on no its fine i suppose.
So then we get to it the whole time rolling his eyes sighing clearing not enjoying it at all, I said if you're not enjoying it we can stop he snaps "I just can't feel anything" then rambles on how I woke him up and he's pissed off. This has been building up for weeks and I am now full on feeling like shit about myself.
He's not giving me a solution of what we can try and I start getting upset.
He snaps that I'm being unstable and crazy and trying to start a fight.
Then a huge fight starts and it's one of them that stops being a fight about anything and just goes on and on and spirals, I'm very much trying to keep it about the issue and he just goes off on one.
I've noticed whenever I get upset or annoyed about something he will belittle it and dismiss it " oh you're annoyed again you're always annoyed " he kept saying that nothing was ever my fault in my head. He ties me in so many knots that I get confused and I don't even know what I'm thinking any longer.
Whenever I said something he would then kind of twist it and then reflect exactly what I just said back to me and it's confused me so much.
I've found myself being careful at what I react to and just ignoring him a lot to not provoke any more of a fight, I have been easily annoyed in the past and opinionated but I have really tried to change that and now I still feel like even a built up reaction which I believe has reason he judges and belittles. I don't know what to do, it's all so confusing and muddled

How do I solve this?

Well you've told him that the only acceptable form of contraception for you is condoms. He doesn't like them (just as you dislike the pill)so the only options available to him are a vasectomy or abstinence. It looks like he'schosen abstinence and you are unhappy about it. If my dp came home and said that femidoms were the only type of contraception we could now use I'd be pissed off. If he shook me awake for sex the carried on persisting shaking me after I'd snapped at him five times that I was sleeping I'd be very upset.

Contraception should be a joint enterprise in a long term relationship, just as sex should be mutually enjoyable. He has told you he doesn't like condoms, he hasn't been able to enjoy sex using them. You don't like that some pills stop your periods so don't want to use them. You need to look into alternative forms of contraception. Apart from condoms, vasectomy and abstinence the rest will involve you, it's just the way it is......or accept abstinence/other things until you're ready to conceive.

Why would you wake him for sex that he won't enjoy?

Id be grumpy to be woken to effectively service my partner.

Him removing condom was not good. At all. But. He told you after 5 seconds. And in the past you have told him to do this. And he stopped when you told him to.

If you don't want to use hormones, fine. He doesn't want to use condoms. Also fine. There's cap, diaphragm, copper coil, femidom, calendar counting and of course anal oral and masturbatory sex.

I don't agree like I have stated that men lie about not liking condoms. I don't particularly like the feeling of them as a woman either so it's plausible

Some condoms do remove 90% or more of sensation it's like pleasuring yourself through clothes apparently says DH we only use the extra thin ones these days and yes condoms are not all the same as some give burning sensations to both of us.

Why do you explore other contraption methods suggested?

Obviously he should not be removing a condom and not telling you, not acceptable at all.

You needed to cool down before having sex? That's bizarre when you'll get all hot and sweaty anyway. I hate it if my oh wakes me because he wants sex, it's disrespectful imo and your oh clearly didn't want to as he said 5 times he was sleeping which kind of suggests you harassed him into it, no wonder he wasn't into it. A man would be crucified on here for pestering his wife until she gave in if it was the other war around and I dare say the rape word would be bandied about by some for that too. I don't understand why HE needs to give you a solution of what to try? You'll be far more clued up on female contraception than he is and you will know what you are/arent likely to get on with. He can't physically do a lot to prevent pregnancy.

Why can't you just discuss all the contraception options together? Seems like a lot of drama and upset over something that could easily be resolved with a bit of communication and proper listening.

I don't like not having periods op! So can get why that's a negative for you, I worry too much I might be pregnant and not know!

But you could just do a pregnancy test once (or twice) a month to reassure yourself?

Those who say the op was assaulted are talking bollocks. If he assaulted her then she also assaulted him as she is the one who pressured him into sex he didn't want. So let's stop bandying "rape" about shall we.

Op I agree that you need to find another method of non hormonal birth control.

There are consent issues on both sides. You are harassing him for sex he doesn't want, and he's doing forced unprotected sex. Not sure why you aren't both in sex/marriage counselling - this relationship is crying out for an intervention!

Agree starry!

The periods thing I just like to have them every month, I feel like my hormones get out of check when I don't, and I seem to still get cramps all month as if it's coming any minute which puts me on edge, I'll then take tests and then worry these aren't accurate. My period is still irregular ( for the first time in my life ) after being off contraception and it annoys me.

Thing is we have been abstaining from sex, it's been a good few weeks now which isnt the normal for us. Ive stopped bringing it up as much and just left it as ive asked many times what we should do and his only answer is to pull out. It annoys me that i have to be the one to show any respobsibilty. All day he'll talk about and hint about how we'll get going tonight and then the excuses start I understand he may be feeling insecure.
When we went to bed we were speaking about it and i was like yeah hold on, he dozed off for not long at all and thought he woild have annoyed if I hadn't woken up him as we was looking forward to it. Like a missed opportunity kind of thing. He just isn't really letting me know how he actually feels and I'm getting mixed messages, I've asked him but not really getting further forward.
What I don't understand as we used to say how stupid it is when guys make such a fuss about wearing a condom.
I like to communicate about everything which is where his whole "you have an issue with everything" stems from. I've asked him many times what we should do.
When we first started using the condoms like I'm talking not that long ago we managed fine, he said it was handier even.

After the first time he really made it clear he hated them I stepped back about it big time. I knew I didn't want to have sex using the pull out which is what he wants and i didnt want to make him use a condom as he obviously didn't enjoy it so I just left it still thinking some of it was him just being difficult and he would either come round or at least talk to me more about it other than ' let's just do the pulling out '.
He has been the one initiating sex again through talking and hinting throughout the day so I didn't feel like I was harassing him, I haven't pressured him at all lately, maybe I just read it all wrong and I should have stayed backing off.

I can't get passed the bit where instead of turning the heating off, you went through the faff of sticking a fan on etc, then saying it's basically time for sex. He's mostly asleep at this point, and you wonder why he's rolling his eyes and not in to it.

He's not in to it op, condoms are a passion killer for him, and everything including sex sounds like it's on your terms, he's pissed off and can't be arsed with it.

Probably going to get flamed for this but I can't believe the double standard here. OP openly admits pressuring her husband into sex and forcing him to use a form of contraception he does not like. When she is refusing to do the exact same thing... I am not condoning his removing of the condom without consent but pressuring him is not ok just as it wouldn't be ok if he was forcing you to take the pill and have sex.

OP, I think you need to weigh up all the other options here with contraception. Can you try anything else non hormonal?

We did turn the heating off. There's something going on with our water and if you want hot water for dishes or washing your face you have to put the whole heating on and we keep leaving it on by accident in our very hot house.
The fan is already right by the bed, we both said it was like a sauna so we opened the window and he said put the fan on to cool us down.

I'm feeling frustrated that I'm coming off like everything is on my terms and I'm pressuring him.

I rarely feel like things are on my terms, this first time I have refused to take a contraception for a short term and asked if we can stop using the pull out method and it's become the biggest deal in the world. Things would never be allowed to become this big of deal if it was the other way around.

I've stopped initiating it basically all together and today when he kept hinting etc I thought ( wrongly it seems) I'd be okay in finally initiating something. Like I definitely wasn't forcing him to do anything, it's wouldn't be worth any forcing and pressuring cos he ends up clearly not enjoying it! Hes not the type to just do something to keep me happy , if he didnt want to have sex he would have told me to piss off and gone back to sleep. If he hadn't been hinting at it all day I wouldn't have even gone there there's just no point!

I've been looking at the copper coil which seems like a good bet.
I thought I'd read it's not the best for people who haven't had kids but may want them. Just researching now and it seems thats not the case any more Also it says possibility of irregular bleeding for 6 months I don't think I can go through that, I'm just so worried that I get bad side effects and it's a massive deal to try and get it out ( drs refused my friend to take it out even though she was in agony )
Does anyone have experience with the copper coil?

I had one and it didn't settle down, but I've had many years of trying to stop myself getting pregnant and some solutions worked better than others and some I had to relent and accept were not ideal. The one that worked the best was mirena, but I grew fibroids (poss unrelated) and they pushed it out. So I am going to be sterilised in a few months. I can't face a life of condom sex forever myself either!

Its not that everything is on your terms. you are the one that risks pregnancy, you are the one taking responsibility.

Have you tried a cap and contraceptive jelly?

If you're happy with the protective level condoms give then why not consider a diaphragm? You've got control over it, doc doesn't have to remove it if you don't like it, etc. Used one very successfully for a while.

The reason that you are coming off as if it's all on your terms is that in your op you said that you told him you were going to use condoms from now on and if he didn't like it then it was, in your words "tough shit". When he started to have pretty serious problems with them, ie not maintaining an erecting you said he was being a baby about it. We can only go by what you say!

Are you definitely wanting children in the future? If yes, how far in the future? If you're talking 6 months to a year then a copper coil might not be best (in fact you might not get one at all, depending on your doctor?). If you're thinking over a year then it might be worth a try. If you're wanting to ttc in the next 6 months I'd go with abstinence or other things.

It might be worth a bring in mind op that the problems he has with condoms are just as valid as those you have with the pill. I get that you don't like losing your periods but understand that he's possibly not mad keen on losing g his erecting either.

How old are you OP and is your DH your first longtime partner? Both yours and your DH attitudes towards emotions and pressure during sex seem a little off.

I have one and it's better than an unwanted pregnancy or hormonal contraception. I wouldn't say I love my periods on it - I have to take ibuprofen to try and reduce blood loss, and it's still a very heavy period. I had some spotting for about a week at the end of my period for the first 3-4 cycles too - but I certainly love knowing how effective it is and not having to remember to use it properly. Other than that they're no more painful than normal, and it's nice knowing that my cycle is actually my natural cycle rather than an artificial one.

I understand why you're reluctant to continue using hormonal contraception but YABU insisting that DH uses condoms. FPA have a contraceptive tool to advise you on the best contraception available for you.
www.fpa.org.uk/contraception-help/my-contraception-tool

Firstly no contraception is 100 percent. I know people using condoms and the pill and got pregnant.

The copper coil only causes bleeding in a few cases. I've had it and I was fine.

But he told you 5 times he was trying to sleep. That IS telling you to piss off.

Unfortunately equality doesn't exist when it comes to contraception. Rightly or wrongly It is mostly the woman's responsibility simply due to the fact most contraception options are for her body. What are you expecting him to do exactly?