Aibu to think a sex issue may be the least of our problems ?

[Anon5678943]

N/c .. Oh god where do I start. So ive had an issue with dh lately, we have been together for over 3 years, living together for 2 married for 18month.
Here's some back story, sorry this is long really don't want to drip feed
After we lived together for about 6 month ( around
Our wedding )we started becoming very lax with contraception, and used the pulling out method. We knew this wasn't very effective but we felt stable enough that it wouldn't be a problem if something was to happen and we were married after all it wouldn't be the craziest.

Lately our circumstances have changed financially and I wasn't happy anymore with if an accident was to happen. I went on the pill and every one I tried was stopping my period with other pills having strong side effects. The stopped periods were more stressful than the pulling out method all together.

I finally had enough and said we would have to move to condoms for the near future until I can adjust my cycle back to normal and work out better contraception. He wasn't that happy about it but I was kind of like tough shit and so we moved on.

At first they worked fine no problems at all. Then it started becoming a problem and he would lose his erection. I was very patient and we would do other things instead. He then started getting more annoyed at the condoms saying "he can't feel anything at all". I thought he was just being stubborn and waiting for me to go fine we will just pull out again, I stood my ground we bought different types and brands in case that was the issue but no.

One time during sex he pulled the condom off and I didn't realise, he told me like 5 seconds later and I made him stop and I told him I wasn't happy at all, he was joking around and not taking it serious.
He thinks because pulling out worked so well it's fine, I've said it's not worth the risk at this point in our lives, and said he is being a huge baby about it.

The condom issue got worse and worse to the point I was dreading initiating sex, he had already stopped initiating it all together which was making me feel pretty shit tbh, every time I even tried he'd make excuses or moan, it was a lot of rejection. I explained to him that it was making me feel insecure and that we used to use condoms all the time and I don't see the problem, he said he understood and didnt want me to be upset and he would try harder to fix it.

So here we are tonight, we got in bed, he had left our heating on and the bedroom was so hot so I put the fan on, I said am just going to cool down then we could start initiating something, he grunted or something and was already in a shitty mood and acting pretty miserable. He was dozing and I shook him awake and said like heyyy kind of thing, he starts his whole show the rolling the eyes, snapped like 5 times he was sleeping, I said like yeah sorry I know if you want to sleep we can just go back to sleep. Then he goes on no its fine i suppose.
So then we get to it the whole time rolling his eyes sighing clearing not enjoying it at all, I said if you're not enjoying it we can stop he snaps "I just can't feel anything" then rambles on how I woke him up and he's pissed off. This has been building up for weeks and I am now full on feeling like shit about myself.
He's not giving me a solution of what we can try and I start getting upset.
He snaps that I'm being unstable and crazy and trying to start a fight.
Then a huge fight starts and it's one of them that stops being a fight about anything and just goes on and on and spirals, I'm very much trying to keep it about the issue and he just goes off on one.
I've noticed whenever I get upset or annoyed about something he will belittle it and dismiss it " oh you're annoyed again you're always annoyed " he kept saying that nothing was ever my fault in my head. He ties me in so many knots that I get confused and I don't even know what I'm thinking any longer.
Whenever I said something he would then kind of twist it and then reflect exactly what I just said back to me and it's confused me so much.
I've found myself being careful at what I react to and just ignoring him a lot to not provoke any more of a fight, I have been easily annoyed in the past and opinionated but I have really tried to change that and now I still feel like even a built up reaction which I believe has reason he judges and belittles. I don't know what to do, it's all so confusing and muddled

How do I solve this?

Tbh I think your biggest problem is his belittling of your feelings and making out like you're always moaning.

I would do what you do: let things go rather than risk riling my DH and provoking another row.

DH moved out 6 weeks ago.

I think YABU here.

He only has three ways of preventing a baby: condoms, the snip, or abstinence. He has told you repeatedly condoms do it make him feel anything and he's even lost his rrection. He can't have the snip as you will want children in future, and you've made it clear abstinence is not an option.

You, however, have many more options that you could try. But you're not. Your insisting on condoms despite knowing his feelings and physical reaction, then getting pissy when it doesn't go to plan and/or he doesn't want sex anymore.

It was really horrible of you to shake him awake for sex, then go 'if you want to sleep, sleep'. Wtf?! Why shake him awake for it then? Any wonder he wasn't happy about doing it then?

I think you've behaved abysmally here and I feel very sorry for him.

OP, you sound very controlling. Sex is all about your needs isn;'t it? You don't seem to give a shit about how he feels. You demand he use a form of contraception he doesn't like than get pissy with him because he doesn't want sex with you? No wonder he's pissed off with you.

Well my dad, when giving me the sex talk amongst other things said....if a guy says he can't use a condom because he can't feel anything or it doesn't fit...he's lying!

Obviously I don't know for myself. My boyfriend says it's better without, but certainly not bad with. It's the faff of stopping to put it on and the fact it's hard to be more spontaneous with them, that he hates.

Could it be psychological? Does he want children?

I think the way you are both dealing with it sounds unhealthy. Could you make an appointment with your gp or family planning clinic and go together to discuss your options?

Agree that shaking him awake for sex was stupid.
I think the "rape" claims on here are a bit OTT as well.
You need to find another solution. You should also speak to your husband about the condoms - why they are causing problems where they didn't before. I suspect they were something he was willing to put up with when unmarried but he's not impressed to have to use them now.
Not saying it's right, but that could be what's behind it.

What JJBum said. He should never have taken the condom off without you knowing. That's so outrageous I woul actually question if I had a future with someone that did that. The much lesser evil is it sounds like you pushed for sex when it was clear he didn't want to. If it was him doing that to you I think he would get criticized for that. What about couples counselling if you wan to try and move past this?

Well my dad, when giving me the sex talk blush amongst other things said....if a guy says he can't use a condom because he can't feel anything or it doesn't fit...he's lying!

Your dad's talking bullshit. Great if they worked for him, but for many guys they really can't feel anything.

I don't believe that they can't feel anything. Reduced sensation I'd believe not feeling a thing is a bit ridiculous. I can see it now, instead of your box just pull a condom on.
I'm with OP hormonal contraceptives don't do me any favours, I have the opposite problem and it makes my periods horrendously heavy so anyone insisting I should use them (so they didn't have to use a condom) would get short shrift from me.

A copper coil may be an option OP. No hormones and if anything makes periods slightly heavier but 99% effective and lasts for 10 years if you so wish.

Condoms are the only contraception men are responsible for. He was fine with them before, so the issue is psychological.

OP is NBU to wish to avoid hormonal contraception.

You may think this a silly question, but why are the stopped periodsa problem? My contraceptive implant stops my periods and it's the best thing about it! Doesn't mean there's anything wrong, just means I don't have the angst and aggro of monthly cycles. When I get it removed, my periods restart, as presumably they did with your pill. If that was the only reason not to use the pill, I find it no stronger than him not liking condoms. And although it bugs me that women have to mess with their hormones, I also prefer sex with my DH without condoms so am okay with that compromise. There are a lot more contraceptive options for women and it doesn't sound like you've explored them before getting to this unpleasant place that is causing problems for both of you. Can you cut the pressure and dramas and find a constructive solution to this together?

In the interests of working out what the best method of contraception for you might be can you clarify this OP, i don't quite get it :) :

I went on the pill and every one I tried was stopping my period with other pills having strong side effects. The stopped periods were more stressful than the pulling out method all together.

So was there a pill which stopped your period but had no other side effect? No period while on the pill is a 'natural' one. Why stress about periods stopping altogether? Genuine Q, not being snarky.

I agree about exploring the natural method of contraception. There's lots of ways these days to be pretty precise about your fertility pattern (i used them all for the opposite reason - to conceive - and it worked) You abstain around ovulation, and can use a condom once or twice a month if needs be when you feel you're close to ovulation or it's just after.

x post pink! :)

So here we are tonight, we got in bed, he had left our heating on and the bedroom was so hot so I put the fan on, I said am just going to cool down then we could start initiating something, he grunted or something and was already in a shitty mood and acting pretty miserable. He was dozing and I shook him awake and said like heyyy kind of thing, he starts his whole show the rolling the eyes, snapped like 5 times he was sleeping, I said like yeah sorry I know if you want to sleep we can just go back to sleep. Then he goes on no its fine i suppose

Issues aside OP the above made me feel that the sexual dynamic is a bit strange anyway. It sounds very resentful or obligational or something? To be honest if my DH "shook" me awake to initiate sex I would be really cross.

Re condoms, my boyfriend is eternally patient with this issue - I have a big contraception nightmare. I cannot take the pill as I get migraine with aura, the mini pill, implant copper coil make me bleed badly and the mirena fell out and caused me awful problems. We don't want more kids and I have chosen sterilisation.

But as patient as he is and as many brands we have tried condoms have taken out an element of enjoyment for both of us. It's not major but I know he doesn't like them - some have burned him or me, some roll down, some have slipped, some he says he can't feel much or are uncomfortable. The ones he likes the best are Skyns original. So I do believe they aren't the best thing ever but also they aren't the worst. Also I am happy that we usually now do 70% more oral stuff than straight sex to counter balance condom annoyance.

But in your case he's being so disrespectful, I agree with other posters on that.

Yeah I think you were BU to shake him awake, as that is never really on.

But otherwise he is BU.

YANBU not to want to do hormonal contraception. It's a much bigger deal than condoms as it affects you all the time and in much more significant ways.

I think PPs Dad who told her the "i cant feel anything" line is a lie was spot on.

But neither of you is obliged to have sex. You both seem to think you are.

And he was incredibly U to take the condom off during sex.

I think YABU as previous posters have said. You can't insist on using condoms if he doesn't like them and have even been making him lose his erections. It's really unfair, your needs don't trump his.

Whatever method you use, in a long term relationship both parties have to be happy with it. It's no good a bunch of randoms on the internet decreeing that the OPs DH is lying about how his knob feels during sex FGS What kind of solution is that for anyone?

There's no need for hormonal contraception if you don't want to use it. Both the cap and the natural rhythm method are hormone free.

Also for the posters saying he's lying when he said he can't feel anything. maybe because they spent so long doing it without (pulling out method) he got used to that feel, and when you had to start using than again it just doesn't feel as good. that's what happened with my DH.

I think just lay off the sex issue for a bit. If he's not happy and you're not then just both go to sleep at night.

Apart from the condom removal thing, which is shitty (but not as shitty now you have said that you previously told him to take one off when it didn't suit him, so he obviously thought it was ok) you aren't coming out of this well. You sound very pressuring around sex, waking him up etc when it was very obvious he didn't want sex. Then getting in a grump with him when he wasn't getting into it, when you knew that before you started!

I don't like not having periods op! So can get why that's a negative for you, I worry too much I might be pregnant and not know!

I think you need to communicate, how many types of condoms has he tried? Does he lack sensitivity in general? What if you touch him through clothing etc, does he get aroused?
Have you tried different things during sex to help?

Is he willing to go disscus his issues with condoms with his gp?

I agree with PP that you need to think about maybe your DH wouldn't see it as such a disaster if you were to make a baby.

Besides that... You both need to communicate a million times better! I went through this with my DH when I was taken off Hormonal Contraceptives by my doctor due to severe Cluster Headaches... and due to a blood disorder I can use the Marina Coil or Mini Pill but it would be a massive risk due to increased blood loss for the first few months and the need to stay on whichever method I chose long term. The problem was we planned on having a baby in the next 12 months and so having the coil was a no go and I really (selfishly) did not want the mini pill. So the stalemate began, Ultimately it ended up with us both being very frustrated and just getting annoyed with each other. I wasn't going to let our relationship hit that point so we sat down and had it out about it and ultimately we were actually on the same page and fighting over nothing, In the end I just went out and bought condoms and we used them (not that I am saying this is right) but both of us hated them and ultimately we brought our baby making plans forward a bit and are now expecting.

But without any communication at all you cannot work together to solve this issue. If both of you want sex but you cannot even compromise to make it work together quite frankly how do you manage?

Although I agree about the stopping Sex for a little while... anyone forced into sex by their partner is just unhappy and it makes them insecure. Try to rebuild your relationship first

Have less sex, only have it when you're both fully in the mood.