MIL and baby, again.

[sailorcherries]

Everyone loves a MIL thread, especially when it is written by a hormonal pregnant woman. However, I do get on with my MIL and think she is a wonderful woman. This is entirely situational and could be about anyone. Unfortunately it concerns her.

This is my second child, OHs first.

I've made two before:

1. MIL wanted to be first to see new baby, despite being told my DS will be. He's 6, has had numerous life changes including starting school while moving in to rented accommodation with my OH, moving in to a house a year later and then becoming a big brother 9 months after that. It was the one thing I had promised. If I were on the ward before afternoon visiting DS would be the only visitor for that one hour and everyone else can come that night. If I were on the ward before evening visiting then I'd ask if DS can get in earlier so everyone else can still come for the evening (elcs, so more certainty over timings). She wasn't happy and wanted to be first, while I was in recovery. This issue resolved itself, DS is first and that's that.

1. MIL 'volunteered' to take a week of annual leave after OHs two weeks paternity ran out. I don't want this. I don't want anyone to come to the house every day while I'm adjusting to life with two, newborn routines, establishing feeding etc. Told MIL it wasn't needed but she could save the time for summer and spend days alone with both kids etc. Was thankful for the offer but made my point clear.

My issue is with nunber 2 again. MIL came to the house tonight and tells me she's putting annual leave in for that third week. She will come over first thing and put DS on the school bus then stay all day to 'help' before getting DS from school and so on. It's a generous offer but as I said I don't want anyone to come for that bloody long for 5 days.
It has already been agreed with my parents that my dad will do the school run for DS. He is self employed and has no jobs thus far that week, if he does my sister will step in. Before my mat leave they already done every school run (for the two years of school, due to mine and OHs work. This isn't new and the only change is DS having breakfast at home while I'm on mat leave as opposed to their house. When I return to work DS will continue with this routine) and so it's not too much disruption to DS established routine, which I want to keep as consistent as possible. My dad or sister will arrive 5 minutes before the bus, take DS and go home. They'll ask if anything needs done but won't stay for the full day. After school they'll bring him home and possibly stay for a coffee. If I need anything done I only need to phone.
During the day I get to bond with baby, establish routine and feeding.

I have no problems with someone coming over for an hour or two, when it suits, but not staying 8-4 for 5 days. That's too much, regardless of who they are. I've already told my parents and sister they will not be over every day and that's that. I am very introverted and have social anxiety. I cannot socialise with people for long periods of time on a normal day, never mind 3 weeks pp.

But now MIL has gone and booked the leave for this purpose. OH even said I didn't want someone over every day and SIL piped up "she wants to spend time with her grandson". I understand she does and I'd have no objection to lunch two or three times that week, coming over for a coffee after work and so on, but not every day for five fucking days.

I feel so cross she has disregarded what I said and booked the leave anyway. I will also feel like a shit if she needlessly wastes leave now.

OH has just said we will need to tell her that she won't be over all day every day and won't be doing DS morning school run (DS has a tendancy to act up in unusual circumstances and this would make for tense and shitty mornings all round).

As I've said it's not about not wanting her to come over per say, it's about not wanting anyone over for that period of time and it just so happens to be her. I have no objection to people seeing baby and will accommodate as best I can, they're excited and it's understandable but I cannot cope with what has been proposed.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and genuinely feel like crying over this. Aibu to be so stressed and against the idea, not MIL hate but situation hate basically? Should I grin and bear it, as they're excited and it's one week?

I can see your point OP but she's also probably very excited about having a grandchild and the fact she wants to help with your other son is quite touching. I have to say that someone offering to look after me for 5 days sounds very appealing, and if she's happy to do the housework, washing etc then let her crack on. You can sit on the sofa, establish feeding and take a rest upstairs when you need to so you're not under each others feet. It is only 5 days, I think you are really overthinking it OP. She may be very useful to you. I'd at least give it a try.

Your DH needs to explain to his mother that what she's asking is intrusive and over bearing! He's to tell her the baby isn't even here yet, and you won't be making plans with anyone!

Tell her she's welcome to call to see you you are free - but not to turn up unannounced - it's rude - you may just want to slob about and eat crap all day -

It is only 5 days, I think you are really overthinking it OP

It's 5 days that she doesn't want - she's not overthinking it, she's a person with her own feelings and wants, and MIL is disregarding this.

OP - stand your ground. She might be lovely normally, but she's not being lovely about this

Sorry buy, what on earth makes her think she will actually get into your house if she does come round? That door would be locked and bolted if it were me op, no matter how long she booked off work.

Others are right, do NOT let her ruin this precious time because 'shes excited'.

Just say no.

Tell her tomorrow and get it done, dont leave it until your DC is here.

You are being totally reasonable and should make no apologies for your stand. I hate mil bashing but this is different. The last thing you need is getting gping with a new baby under the watchful eye of someone else. That would do my head in..She sounds like she has some divine right to have all this wonderful time with her gs but she has all her life to enjoy him. Now is not the time. Get dh to sort it.

"Firstly, get your OH to tell her she is not to come over AT ALL"

I think that's rather mean. I assume this will be her first grandchild? So the OP's parents get to see the baby and she doesn't? That isn't very fair.

I get that she doesn't want her MIL around all the time, so I think making an arrangement to come over for a coffee on a certain day at a certain time would be better than a blanket no or open house.

sailorcherries don't tell your MIL when you go into labour.

don't tell your MIL when you go into labour.

It's a planned section

OP is she planning on being round when DH is on paternity leave?

I remember your first two threads OP. You've explained, you've negotiated, you're offering her plenty of visiting opportunities, it isn't that she doesn't get it. It's that she doesn't agree with the answer she's getting. This is constant, pervasive and intentional leaning on your boundaries to get her way. It isn't lovely, and being excited isn't an excuse.

You are going to have to be blunt and firm and weather the tears and tantrums I'm afraid. And please also prepare yourself and the situation even if she does agree verbally, as I won't be at all surprised if you still find her in recovery ahead of Ds on the day.

Going against the grain here, but I feel a bit bad for her - your parents get to come over every day and put your other son on the bus, thus also getting to see the baby everyday. It sounds like she's a bit jealous/enthusiastic and just wants what she probably thinks your parents are getting, and doesn't want to be left out. Plus if it's her first grandchild, the excitement is quadrupled!

That said, all day for 5 days is a bit much. Why not try and compromise, so she's getting the 'same' as your parents, eg 'thanks so much for the offer, how about you come by after school for an hour and help watch ds/get him his tea' or whatever? You'll probably find you'll actually be quite grateful for the help (unless she sits on her arse and wants to hold the baby all the time!).

But there's surely a middle ground. She sounds like she just wants to be included, like your parents are (and obviously have been for some time).

It's a planned section, everyone knows the date and as long as DS sees baby first I don't mind visiting at hospital and then at home, as long as it's not every day for hours on end.

I understand she is excited and wants to see her grandchild but it shouldn't be every day for hours on end. No one is getting that. I also don't want someone doing my cleaning, washing and ironing. It makes me uncomfortable, even if there are good intentions behind it. I might want to sit in my jammies all day and I'm not comfortable doing it in front of my own parents never mind someone else's. I might want to nap on and off all day, with my baby, not feel obliged to entertain someone in my house (again this applies to everyone).

She hasn't made time to come round when OH is off, but no doubt it will be quite a few times after work. My own parents won't be welcome to just pop on down at any point.

I'll get OH to tell her my dad will do morning school runs and she can come down on set days/times.
OH also works shifts so it's very bloody likely it'll be me, OH and baby in for at least 2 of the five days, we don't need an extra body either.

My parents are DS grandparents, she isn't needmymouth. The childcare/school run has gone back as far as nursery while I was at uni and continued in to our work and school lives.
They aren't doing anything they wouldn't be doing at any other point in time. In fact they are seeing DS less now I'm on mat leave. He would usually arrive at theirs at 7.50, bus at 8.30, back at 3.15 and collected about 5ish. Since Easter this hasn't happened once and in the few weeks I can't drive it'll be collected 8.25, bus at 8.30, collected at 3.15 and home at 3.20.

Some days my dad will stay for coffee, others he won't.
I have no objection to her coming over in the evenings for an hour or two for coffee and maybe a day or two during the week for lunch. But she doesn't need to be here all day, no one does.

A good question to start with : 'mil, why are you telling me you're going to do this when you know we already said no?'

I was caught so off gaurd I didn't know what to say.
I was sitting with BIL, SIL, MIL and DS when she mentioned it. I did try to say my dad or sister would do school runs and I'm not sure how much help would be needed by that point and it wasn't necessary but kept getting "but it'll only be the third week" as an answer.

I'm going to get OH to speak to her tomorrow. Explain my dad will do school run for DS routine and she is welcome to come round some days, for a few hours, but not every day all day. I'll even get him to suggest lunch/dinner/after work coffee if he is off and can drive us.

I get that she's excited because she'll be a grandma, but this is essay overbearing! She had her own babies and now it's your turn, I would bet that if her mil had been that controlling when she had her newborns that she would have hated it too. The first few weeks are serious bonding time for parents and interference from other people (family included) is just not on imo. I hated the whole pass and cuddle the baby bollocks when they're tiny :( they are tiny humans and mum is 100% the most important person.

You have tried to tell her what you want/need but she isn't listening. You need to take a leaf from her book and stop listening! Text her to arrange when you want her to visit you during her AL. Then lock doors and snuggle with your new baby. No angst...she has no angst about pushing her wants onto you. Don't let her ruin your bonding time with your new baby. Good luck and congratulations

Urgh. Please stand your ground OP, my family and DPs ruined the first few weeks with my first and I won't be making that mistake again. You need to set firm boundaries now.

If she insists on coming anyway just lock the doors and close the curtains.

Oh dear, if she doesn't get the hint she'll end up making you push her away and she'll get less contact than you would have been happy for her to have in the first place - it really does need spelling out to her!

I'd be disconnecting the door bell and switching the phone off if she didn't get the message!

It's not a generous offer- it's a horrendously suffocating and belligerent thing to do! I know you say you get on really well with her but NO WAY would I allow this it's madness. In your shoes I wouldn't care what SIL had to say, I would speak to MIL and say:

"I want to make this clear so you don't feel like you've wasted annual leave. I can't have anyone with me and my baby all day in that third week. I need my own space to bond with my new baby and I would find any visitor for that amount of time too much. It's nothing personal, I wouldn't want that from anyone. As I told you my dad is doing the school run. I'm more than happy to have you over for a couple of visits so you can see your grandchild. Just wanted to make sure there weren't any crossed wires."

can see your point OP but she's also probably very excited about having a grandchild and the fact she wants to help with your other son is quite touching. I have to say that someone offering to look after me for 5 days sounds very appealing, and if she's happy to do the housework, washing etc then let her crack on. You can sit on the sofa, establish feeding and take a rest upstairs when you need to so you're not under each others feet. It is only 5 days, I think you are really overthinking it OP. She may be very useful to you. I'd at least give it a try.

But it's not what you'd like, it's what the OP would like and she doesn't feel the way you do.

Put your foot down sailorcherries and if necessary, your OH needs to point out she's not the only grandparent and your DS is more used to your dad for school runs.

I suspect she's thinking about what she would have liked. Which is kind in intention but is also ignoring that you would actually like.

Your OH, needs to have a kind but very firm discussion with his Mum (and sister if necessary). Granny doesn't trump Mum. Ever.

Looking back over my marriage I really, really wish I'd been firmer with my PILs in the early days. We get on very well but enforcing boundaries from the get go would have saved us a lot of stress over the years.

How often are yoir parents going to be over. If I remember from your previous post that u lived wit your parents and they are daily involved in your life

i don't think you are being unreasonable or overthinking it at all. You know yourself and you've even already got a child so you know how you feel PP.

It's OH's to sort out though. You don't need the hassle and she has to know that this is coming from both of you.

My MIL spent a lot of time sitting in my space, fawning over DS while my DP was at work. It was suffocating to say the least, and no hint seemed to be big enough to shift her or prevent her knocking on the door. I feel your pain

Get your OH to put his foot down. Hard.