MIL and baby, again.

[sailorcherries]

Everyone loves a MIL thread, especially when it is written by a hormonal pregnant woman. However, I do get on with my MIL and think she is a wonderful woman. This is entirely situational and could be about anyone. Unfortunately it concerns her.

This is my second child, OHs first.

I've made two before:

1. MIL wanted to be first to see new baby, despite being told my DS will be. He's 6, has had numerous life changes including starting school while moving in to rented accommodation with my OH, moving in to a house a year later and then becoming a big brother 9 months after that. It was the one thing I had promised. If I were on the ward before afternoon visiting DS would be the only visitor for that one hour and everyone else can come that night. If I were on the ward before evening visiting then I'd ask if DS can get in earlier so everyone else can still come for the evening (elcs, so more certainty over timings). She wasn't happy and wanted to be first, while I was in recovery. This issue resolved itself, DS is first and that's that.
   

1. MIL 'volunteered' to take a week of annual leave after OHs two weeks paternity ran out. I don't want this. I don't want anyone to come to the house every day while I'm adjusting to life with two, newborn routines, establishing feeding etc. Told MIL it wasn't needed but she could save the time for summer and spend days alone with both kids etc. Was thankful for the offer but made my point clear.
   

My issue is with nunber 2 again. MIL came to the house tonight and tells me she's putting annual leave in for that third week. She will come over first thing and put DS on the school bus then stay all day to 'help' before getting DS from school and so on. It's a generous offer but as I said I don't want anyone to come for that bloody long for 5 days.
It has already been agreed with my parents that my dad will do the school run for DS. He is self employed and has no jobs thus far that week, if he does my sister will step in. Before my mat leave they already done every school run (for the two years of school, due to mine and OHs work. This isn't new and the only change is DS having breakfast at home while I'm on mat leave as opposed to their house. When I return to work DS will continue with this routine) and so it's not too much disruption to DS established routine, which I want to keep as consistent as possible. My dad or sister will arrive 5 minutes before the bus, take DS and go home. They'll ask if anything needs done but won't stay for the full day. After school they'll bring him home and possibly stay for a coffee. If I need anything done I only need to phone.
During the day I get to bond with baby, establish routine and feeding.

I have no problems with someone coming over for an hour or two, when it suits, but not staying 8-4 for 5 days. That's too much, regardless of who they are. I've already told my parents and sister they will not be over every day and that's that. I am very introverted and have social anxiety. I cannot socialise with people for long periods of time on a normal day, never mind 3 weeks pp.

But now MIL has gone and booked the leave for this purpose. OH even said I didn't want someone over every day and SIL piped up "she wants to spend time with her grandson". I understand she does and I'd have no objection to lunch two or three times that week, coming over for a coffee after work and so on, but not every day for five fucking days.

I feel so cross she has disregarded what I said and booked the leave anyway. I will also feel like a shit if she needlessly wastes leave now.

OH has just said we will need to tell her that she won't be over all day every day and won't be doing DS morning school run (DS has a tendancy to act up in unusual circumstances and this would make for tense and shitty mornings all round).

As I've said it's not about not wanting her to come over per say, it's about not wanting anyone over for that period of time and it just so happens to be her. I have no objection to people seeing baby and will accommodate as best I can, they're excited and it's understandable but I cannot cope with what has been proposed.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and genuinely feel like crying over this. Aibu to be so stressed and against the idea, not MIL hate but situation hate basically? Should I grin and bear it, as they're excited and it's one week?

[43percentburnt]

Make sure your baby goes with you into recovery, as she may just turn up.

[StarkintheSouth]

My MIL did the exact same thing re annual leave and as much as I love her I was annoyed as I wanted the chance to get to know DD and establish a routine etc. Fortunately MIL didn't spend the entire week, she ended up shopping for a new car (!) The days she did come over exhausted me even more as she insisted on going for walks and coffee so I'm glad she wasn't with me every day that's for sure! I wish I'd had the strength to say no as at such an early stage in Dd's life I wanted to get to grips solo. I feel your pain. YANBU!

[Huldra]

YANBU you do not need to grin and bear it.

It's fine to keep explaining the facts. MIL we want you to spend lots of time with the baby BUT:

My Dad will keep doing the school run as the most important thing is to keep his routine as much as possible.
We do not need any ALL day help, EVERY day. Thanks for the offer but it's not what we want or need.

Have you got a sign like DO NOT DISTURB Mother and Baby sleeping to put on the door?
Would arranging set times help? MIL invited over just before tea time everyday? Your husband will be back at some point and can help with kicking her out if needed. Then you don't answer the door earlier.

About the hospital, would she even be let into the recovery ward? With both mine only the birthing partner was allowed in and they kept the baby in recovery too, unless there was a medical reason. I wouldn't have wanted people visiting whilst they were still moping up blood, having catheter pulled out, trying to get me to sit up for first time, trying to latch the baby on. Keep telling her that she won't be allowed in, you won't know how long you will be in there, 1 hour or 3. You will let her know when the hospital will allow visitors.

It's nothing to do with not wanting her to spend lots of time with the baby, so don't let any arguments get derailed in that direction.

[Laiste]

Yep, get OH to speak to his mum.

Then, once DS has left for school each morning that week, the door gets locked, the doorbell is disconnected (on account of not waking the newborn, of course, ) and you're sleeping/showering/bathing/sleeping/breastfeeding/on phone to midwife/bathing baby/sleeping/nappy changing (did i mention sleeping?) so you didn't hear any knock or couldn't have answered the door anyway :)

[Iamastonished]

"if she doesn't get the hint she'll end up making you push her away and she'll get less contact than you would have been happy for her to have in the first place "

This ^^

[RiversrunWoodville]

As a farming family (so self employed) this might be a stupid question (so isn't intended to make things worse I promise!) could she cancel her annual leave and just come round after work at set times like you already told her? I can't cope with long family visits yet (mine or dhs) and dd2 is 2 never mind when she was just born!

[waterrat]

Absolutely no way that a mum alone with newborn needs another adult there foe long days. Thst is your time to spend in bed with your baby.

She is being selfish and making you feel embarrassed so it's time to turn the tsbles. I would send an email saying let me know which days to put you down for lunch as I absolutely wabt yo be in bed breastfeeding and dozing for most of the time and I won't be having viisitors. If it escalates you tell her honestly that it is upsetting you and causing you anxiety.

[blueskyinmarch]

I think a solution would be for you both to sit down with and discuss it. Tell he matter of factly that the school run for your DS is being covered as it always has been to keep his routine the same. Then tell her what time she can come round each day and what you would like her to do. Make her feel wanted and included but on your terms. These things could be: sorting the dinner, doing the washing/ironing/giving the place a quick hoover/dust (whatever you think you might need and wouldn’t mind her doing). Give her a time that she comes to do this. So you tell her come at 2/2.30pm then she will be there when DS arrives home from school and she can sort out his snack/homework whatever? Just make it work on your terms but also make her feel included?

[Kennethwasmyfriend]

You need to be more blunt, none of this "I tried to tell her" stuff.
One issue with people helping is that they may just want to sit and hold the baby, while you get the chance to "catch up on the housework"! Otoh someone to mind said baby while you got several hours uninterrupted sleep would be a fucking godsend. and you wouldn't need to talk to her while you slept!

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

I'm trying to remember from past threads OP, I know mil isn't ds's grandparent - I thin he hasn't known her that long while you and he lived with your parents for a long time post your separation from ds's father? So they are very close family to him. In a stressful time with big transitions mil doing his homework or picking him up isn't going to necessarily be the best thing for him even if it makes mil feel included. He really is going to need his own gps for security and continuity and their involvement isn't so much about the new baby and you, it's about him.

Mil doesn't need it explaining again, it isn't that she didn't hear you or understand, and explaining validates that it's up for negotiation. As SiL said when you said 'but we said we don't want that' ' she wants to see her Grandson' - ie her wants trump yours.

Take it from bafflement and confusion that she knows the answer is no so why is she saying this? and yes definitely explain that pushing over this is going to make you want to avoid her.

[Ginger782]

No more to add, lots of good advice and it's great your OH is in your corner. Good luck - you will feel much better once this is resolved. It will give you a little bit of control back, which can be very calming.

[GlitteryFluff]

Glad your OH is on the same page as you. Definitely get OH to tell her no. Not your fault if she wastes her leave.

[sailorcherries]

rumbling you are spot on about my parents involvement with DS.
Until we moved in with OH we both lived with my parents (I was a young mum at uni). From day dot my dad has always been on hand to help with childcare, including driving me to uni and waiting with DS until I was finished; to doing the nursery run while I worked; now the school run. Up until mat leave my dad would take DS to both after school activities (as they start before I finish work), do his homework (I'd check over) and attend during the day school events (I teach, no way of getting out to see them). My DS loves to hate his granddad but they have as close a relationship as anyone, which is why him doing the school run during this time is for the best. It's not for me or the baby or for my parents to see the baby, it's for DS. He needs the security. Hell, they're even looking for a summer holiday for them and DS, leaving me, baby and OH home for a week-ten days.

So the involvement of them, while it might seem greater, is for DS benefit. Many people might not think he needs such accommodation to his needs but, as I said, he's had a lot of changes in his life recently and it's for the best.

I'll get OH to speak to his mother today. Tell her she can come down at certain points on certain days but that's that. No school run and no staying all fricking day.

[sailorcherries]

I've asked OH to send something like the following to his mum.

"we appreciate the offer but sailors dad will do the school run to keep things consistent for DS and because he can act up innthe morning. You're welcome to come round at lunch time/after lunch time/after work to spend time with the baby but sailor would like some time to bond with the baby and relax once everything is settling"

I've also explained to him that it isn't just his mum and I've already spoken to my parents with my dad being charged with stopping my mum becoming overbearing.

I just want 6 hours peace and quiet to enjoy my baby, mop up my leaky boobs, eat a disgusting amount of chocolate and enjoy a GoT boxset.

[THirdEeye]

I agree with with what PP have said, she has heard you but is not listening.

I think that your message should be more specific with times and days, as she could turn up at lunch/after lunch/at tea time and stay for hours.

[Reow]

@CrowLeftOfTheMurder Incubus fan?

[Whatsername17]

Your oh is right. 'We did say that we didn't want you to do that. Dad is taking ds to school. You are welcome to pop in for a coffee during the week but I want some time to myself with my new baby'.

[sailorcherries]

I'm not messaging MIL, OH is. It's as much his baby as mine and he can deal with it.

He says he'll speak to her and be clear about when to come, so I trust him.

I don't think she would turn up unannounced and this is just misplaced excitement.

[FizzyGreenWater]

You need to be a bit harder with the message I think.

She HAS heard you, but she doesn't want to listen. Believe me I have seen many posts like this, and can understand it from MIL's point of view too. Her overrriding obsession at the moment is being in there with the baby- and she is willing to use your natural reluctance to be blunt or rude with her to get in as much as possible.

Now this is kind of understandable that she wants so much to be involved - but it NEVER WORKS. All that ever happens here is that folk fall out - sometimes nastily. Resentment builds and people end up screaming at each other. The thing is - you will NEVER get those first weeks/days back. Never. If she ruins them for you, then it is not like any other sort of disagreement or fallout. You will find it very hard to get back on track afterwards and it will affect the way these new family relationships - grandma, DIL, grandchild - work out. For her sake too, tell her VERY clearly before she pisses you off.

You will be doing everyone a favour by being very blunt right now - but also doing a bit more explaining. Otherwise, yes you WILL have her on the doorstep with a smile every morning and an excuse as to why she's popping in. She WILL push and push and push - she's doing it now. She's setting out her stall quite clearly - she sees herself as having a right to be involved, intensively, in the baby's life from the very first days and you ARE going to have a big problem with this.

So NO to 'sailor would like SOME time to bond with the baby and relax' - that sounds almost apologetic. No no no. More like this:

"we appreciate the offer but sailors dad will do the school run to keep things consistent for DS. It's going to be a huge change for him so that bit of it is all about keeping things as normal as possible - he also acts up sometimes when things change so the last thing we want is for him to have the new baby and have the school routine change at the same time. We also don't want the first proper time him and you spend together to be something stressful like school runs, because in the future you're of course going to be spending lots more time with both of them as 'granny' and we want to make sure that all starts off on the right foot.

As for being at the house to help, we need to get this sorted now before the baby is here. We are saying exactly the same to you as we are saying to everyone else INCLUDING sailor's parents. We understand that everyone is excited and wants time with the baby but what we do not want during the first weeks are constant company when sailor will be trying to rest, establish breastfeeding, recover from the birth and bond with the baby. We absolutely won't want visitors every day and it's best to say that right now before the baby is here because the last thing we want is for family to feel pushed out. We appreciate the offer of support but let's be clear right now that that's only going to work if it's REAL support, as in being there when needed, and not being made to feel that we have to have visitors every day even if what baby really needs is quiet time with sailor getting feeding established. We're concerned that you've taken this time off now even though we'd already said it isn't the best idea - it really would be much better to take it later when it's going to be less intense and Sailor and the baby are up and about more, and you could be getting together to actually do stuff. We'd hate to think that you're going to be spending most of that time alone so can you reconsider?

[sailorcherries]

As I said, OH will be messaging/phoning his mother and he will be dealing with it. OH can be more blunt than me and I'm counting on this when he does.

He will also let her know when she can and cannot come over.

I'm just glad he sees my point of view and is going to deal with it. He isn't a pushover and is more than happy to do the bit that may upset other people, if he knows it's the right thing to do/say.

[Mummamayhem]

I just hope you don't regret not grabbing the support with two hands!

The birth/recovery/breastfeeding might not be straight forward. It's tiring and a big adjustment going from 1-2.

Couldn't you say you're worried that you won't be up to entertaining her but she's very welcome to make you cups of tea, bring you lunch, put the washing out. Hold baby while you take a bath etc..oh man I'm green with envy at just the thought!

[Astro55]

OP will only have one in the day - other being at school

Op didn't want any help

I had a two year old and newborn twins - it's uotw managebale on you own -

[FizzyGreenWater]

But Mumma the signs are all there that it WOULDN'T be a help or a support - people who genuinely want to be there to make your life easier usually take note of what you say would help and do it. People who have ulterior motives and want to do something for themselves, on the other hand, are GREAT at ignoring what you actually want and steamrollering in to get their way in the guise of 'helping'.

MIL wants to be with the baby. The last thing you need in those first few precious weeks is someone who won't listen, won't give you space and constantly bugs to be the one doing the holding and cuddling. Someone who sits there ignoring hints quite deliberately. That's what I mean about people ending up in screaming rows- the red flag here isn't MIL wanting to be with the baby, but how deliberately obtuse she's already been in taking the hint that what she wants isn't what OP wants. She's building up to be difficult about it, so best upset her now and get it over with.

[sailorcherries]

mummamayhem yes the support being offered is lovely, yes I do just need to ask anyone visiting if they'd mind helping and they do but there is no way in hell in takes a full day to help me hang a wash and let me get dressed.

The issue isn't about not wanting anyone around, it's about not wanting anyone around for those extended periods of time.

If I want to go for a nap with baby then I will, without feeling awkward that MIL is sitting downstairs (we only socialise when I visit with OH/she visits us). I wouldn't even do the same with my parents around, who lived through the lazy teenage phase.

[PovertyJetset]

I can't believe your otherwise MIL has booked it off!

I've had two sections and I was still pretty much in my pjs in bed and on the sofa week 3. Blisss!! The occasional visitor, yes, mum there all the time. No way!