Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asking for a lift and asking me to do the shopping.

77 replies

Casschops · 10/05/2017 10:18

No back story but I live three doors down from two sisters both in their sixties and in poor health. One sister has arthritis and gets quite severe flare ups which leave her in bed for days at a time. Both sisters catch the bus into town everyday to shop etc. I'm currently on maternity leave so can be at home at different times of day. Sister with arthritis has had flare up and is in bed. Other sister has flu so I offer to walk the dog and so some shopping while I'm doing mine until they are both better then take sister who is no feeling better into town one day to do her shopping. One week later I received a text message asking if I can walk the dog today, which I can't then the next ay big sisters hanging around on the street hinting at a lift to town. I take them as I'm going that way anyway then they call me about 1pm saying that they missed the bus home and could I come and get them. I answered that I wasn't available (partly as I can't be bothered and I don't want this to become a long term committment) and they get back and see me at home staring through he window as they go past. They bring the dog round that afternoon and ask me to walk it. It's a lovely staffy but very bouncy and difficult to negotiate with the baby buggy. My own dog is not keen on other dogs so I would have to do two would dog walks but walks nicely next to the buggy. They keep hinting and I keep making polite excuses AIBU not to help? I did this as a one off because they were struggling it puts me off helping anyone else.Confused

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 10/05/2017 10:24

Could you commit to one trip /walk a week? Make it clear this is the only window in your week that you can give them? I used to shop for a neighbour but only on a Monday to M&S no less!! If you want to quit completely just sent them a text saying you are no longer able to help out. . And block them.

ellesbellesxxx · 10/05/2017 10:24

That was really kind of you to help when they were both poorly last week.
YADNBU to draw the line now as it sounds like they are taking advantage of you being around.. the more you help, the more they will ask!

MissBax · 10/05/2017 10:25

Absolutely no say, YANBU. You have every right to decline any requests. Even if you're at home this does not mean you're their personal assistant. Say yes if and when you feel comfortable and just say no if not. Don't be worried :)

MissBax · 10/05/2017 10:25

No way not no say

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2017 10:27

They need to find some other help. It's clear you've got your hands full.

Online shopping would be the best thing for them and unfortunately if they want someone to walk their dog they will have to pay them. Plenty of people do dog walking - I think you need to tell them to look out for someone.

Kokusai · 10/05/2017 10:27

Just be honest. "Sorry loves, I have too much on my plate to be doing lifts n or walking your dog. I offered last week cos Ethel was sick but I don't want to do it as a regular thing. Have you tried the cinemon trust if you are struggling ith the dog walking?"

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2017 10:28

It sounds like they are taking advantage of your kind nature, time to say no, when its not convenient and you don't want to. Give them the number for Dial a Ride, or find out if there is a reasonable taxi firm in your area, and give them the details. Do they have a computer and internet, suggest they register with online shopping.

Nancy91 · 10/05/2017 10:29

It was lovely of you to help them before but I wouldn't even commit to once a week, helping these people is not your responsibility. I know you might feel sorry for them but they sound quite cheeky to me, stick to your guns.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/05/2017 10:38

Short term that was very kind, longer term they need more sustainable arrangements, like a paid dog walker and online shopping or taxis. Don't feel bad. Your own dog and baby is enough.

Somerville · 10/05/2017 10:38

Are they not coping and rather desperate?

If so you could:

  • Try to set up a rota of neighbours to check on them/walk dog/ give a lift.
  • Help them set up online shopping.
  • See if any charities/services you can refer them to for extra support.
  • Can they actually cope with the dog? Fostering for if they're both ill at same time again? (Or rehome Sad)
  • any extended family? Can you encourage them to get in touch?
  • Think what you can do. For example, I get my elderly neighbours shopping. Sometimes delivered along with mine. Sometimes I buy it in the supermarket. It takes me barely any longer than just doing my own. And she pays me back (to the penny - literally!). In return she keeps an eye on my house when I'm away, and even has my dog for the day if I'm desperate. (She can't walk her but my dog loves company so better than leaving her alone all day.)
starfishmummy · 10/05/2017 10:41

I'd steer clear!!

wowfudge · 10/05/2017 10:43

Oh good lord - why should the OP do any of that? Sixty is not old these days and the OP doesn't owe them anything. She's been neighbourly and helpful and doesn't need to take on any more for these neighbours.

Sounds to me they think the OP is around rather than they are desperate. You miss the bus, you wait for the next one or pay for a taxi.

SaucyJack · 10/05/2017 10:43

Don't feel guilty- and don't think about what you can do to help as suggested by a PP.

60s is not elderly or vulnerable. They need to take responsibility for their own pets and transport arrangements.

Funnyfarmer · 10/05/2017 10:44

I think if you can help you should. It's neighbourly. But you shouldn't be putting yourself out like that.
I would just say. I'm happy to help you out but I'm very busy myself and helping you means I have to make sacrifices for my own family.
Tell them you do your weekly shop on x day. If they have you a list ready you can pick it up for them if they want.
You usually go to town on x day. If there ready for x time you will happily pick them up.
As the dog think just explain that it's way too inconvenient to be a regular thing. Can any of your other neighbours help?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2017 10:46

My goodness Somerville, its quite a lot of responsibility for op, with a young child and pets herself. They are not her responsibility! Noway should op be doing all of that, they are being very cheeky. Have they offered any money to help with petrol and for your time op? Looks like they are expecting it now. Time to be assertive. Help if you want to, if not say no. Give them local taxi numbers and numbers for dog walkers.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/05/2017 10:46

They're properly taking the piss & they're only in their 60's. If they were in their 80's I might let them get away with it, but in their 60's they can get stuffed! I'd tell them, none too subtly, that they're out of line.

ThatsNotMyMummy · 10/05/2017 10:47

Its really really difficult to manage this, I befriended an elderly neighbour and she used to wait for me twice a day on the school run. If i had to shoot off i couldn't as she would keep talking. It became really difficult and draining. You feel like a complete bitch for not helping / talking. I know she's lonely, i know I'm probably the only friendly face she's seen all day (even typing this i feel bloody awful). But it was just too much, i was seeing and speaking to her more than anyone in my family! Id turn a corner and she would be waiting for me, my heart would sink a little bit as i would know i would be stuck for an hour on the street talking, even if i had somewhere to be.
If i did manage to shoot off i would feel awful. If she didn't see me the next day i would get quizzed about where i was.
My circumstances changed slightly so i still do the odd shop and lunch trip (in fact I've got one i need to sort out now) and i do enjoy her company. But its not easy to manage a relationship we are both comfortable with.
Really really hard, however you deal with it, you will feel shit. You will feel that you should be doing more, but actually you don't necessarily want to. All i can say is do what you feel comfortable with and try not to keep it too regular. I feel a bitch writing that as we should all help and look out for each other more. But it shouldn't all fall on your shoulders

amusedbush · 10/05/2017 10:48

Crikey, they sound really cheeky! It was lovely to help them out while they were ill but it sounds like it's getting ridiculous. I'd keep saying no and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Why should OP be roped into sorting their lives out? 60s really isn't old. I also know people in their 20s who have arthritis and they have to muddle along with work and kids to boot.

gillybeanz · 10/05/2017 10:54

You sound so kind to have helped them out last week when they were ill, that's what neighbours do for each other.
YANBU to not do anymore unless of course there is an emergency.
I agree with others 60's isn't old and they don't sound vulnerable.

However, I do think that suggesting you help them set up online shopping and maybe recommending a dog walker for when they are ill again would be a lovely gesture, that wouldn't take too long.

I don't do online grocery shopping as tbh I'm scared of mucking it up. I'm in my 50's and order loads of other stuff online.
They were the generation that didn't grow up with computers though, maybe suggest this as they get older.

You sound like a lovely person, don't let folk take advantage.

Babywearinggeek · 10/05/2017 10:56

My mum is 60 and she does my shopping for me because it's easier when I've got the baby 😳 YANBU. You were very kind but you've got your own life/baby/dog to manage!!!

HarrietVane99 · 10/05/2017 10:57

If they were in their 80's I might let them get away with it,

People in their 80s can usually equally well look after themselves if their difficulties are no worse than the op describes. My neighbours are in their 80s and one of them has limited mobility. When we had snow once I went round and asked if they needed anything from the shop, they said they'd just ordered their shopping online. They have their prescriptions delivered, too.

RuggerHug · 10/05/2017 10:58

I think what Kokusai said is the kindest answer.

fannydaggerz · 10/05/2017 11:05

Say no to them.

Say you helped last week because they were both ill but you can't do that every week.

They shouldn't have a dog if they haven't trained it to walk properly or can't walk it themselves.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 10/05/2017 11:17

Sorry I'm with wowfudge on this one. Grandma pixies is 81, still does most things independently, only needs assistance when she's unwell or had a fall but still does everything for herself again when she's recovered.

I'm 30 and on my bad days I still have to do stuff myself. I'm grateful for those who help me but I'd never just expect them to.

amusedbush · 10/05/2017 11:18

If they were in their 80's I might let them get away with it

My granny is 80 and jets off to Vegas with her mates! No help required there Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread