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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour asking for a lift and asking me to do the shopping.

77 replies

Casschops · 10/05/2017 10:18

No back story but I live three doors down from two sisters both in their sixties and in poor health. One sister has arthritis and gets quite severe flare ups which leave her in bed for days at a time. Both sisters catch the bus into town everyday to shop etc. I'm currently on maternity leave so can be at home at different times of day. Sister with arthritis has had flare up and is in bed. Other sister has flu so I offer to walk the dog and so some shopping while I'm doing mine until they are both better then take sister who is no feeling better into town one day to do her shopping. One week later I received a text message asking if I can walk the dog today, which I can't then the next ay big sisters hanging around on the street hinting at a lift to town. I take them as I'm going that way anyway then they call me about 1pm saying that they missed the bus home and could I come and get them. I answered that I wasn't available (partly as I can't be bothered and I don't want this to become a long term committment) and they get back and see me at home staring through he window as they go past. They bring the dog round that afternoon and ask me to walk it. It's a lovely staffy but very bouncy and difficult to negotiate with the baby buggy. My own dog is not keen on other dogs so I would have to do two would dog walks but walks nicely next to the buggy. They keep hinting and I keep making polite excuses AIBU not to help? I did this as a one off because they were struggling it puts me off helping anyone else.

OP posts:

Maudlinmaud · 10/05/2017 12:25

I am in a similar situation op, I may have mentioned it before here. It started with helping a neighbour when they where ill, any decent person would do this. Unfortunately it became a bit of a nightmare and is still happening at the moment. Not going to go into boring details it's my problem.

Only do what you are comfortable doing, yes it's nice to help people out but do not put yourself out. You may just find yourself in a tricky situation.

bebox · 10/05/2017 12:30

I've always befriended elderly neighbours and done all sorts for them, found their company lovely as well.

Until 'Norah'. She made my life hell, I used to hide indoors, not answer the phone and walk home from work the long way round because she would be watching for me. I cannot begin to explain how much she tried to manipulate me and how unpleasant she became.

Sadly it changed me, I would never risk being in that position again.

I'm not firm enough OP, but you need to be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2017 12:35

Absolutely Somerville, you sound lovely and your neighbours are lucky to have you.

It doesn't sound from the OP like she was really friends with these women before they were ill and she stepped up, so I don't think she owes them.

No harm in giving them some numbers or recommending they speak official help when she tells them she can't be on call and has enough going on.

Billben · 10/05/2017 12:42

They bring the dog round that afternoon and ask me to walk it

This is where I would be kindly telling them to find other arrangements.

228agreenend · 10/05/2017 12:45

I used to help an elderly neighbour go shopping after her husband died. However, I went the same time every week and if I couldn't do it, then I'd let her know.

You don't have to do their shopping or dog walking. If you go shopping the same time every week, then maybe offer to take them, but only in the understanding that it's flexible.

chocatoo · 10/05/2017 12:46

I'm afraid you are going to have to be quite blunt with them! 'I was able to help out last week but I'm afraid that was just to help you out when you were both poorly. I am not in a position to help out on an ongoing/regular basis.'

CPtart · 10/05/2017 12:50

No no no. Back away now. This will only escalate as they deteriorate. If they need help they'll have to pay for it, and like many older folk that's probably what they're trying to avoid. My PIL (who boasts about his incomings in retirement) trailed up and down the street looking for a neighbourly lift to hospital after a knee op, rather than pay for a taxi.

PuppyMonkey · 10/05/2017 12:53

I need to know more about Nora now

Agree, time to say no you're busy OP. No excuses, just "sorry can't help this time."

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2017 13:04

They bring the dog round that afternoon and ask me to walk it

I confess I missed that bit ... after you'd said the previous day that you weren't able to do it, I'm afraid that sounds like railroading. It's one thing to ask, quite another to turn up with the dog as if it's a done deal, making it hard for you to refuse (which they may have factored in?)

I still think it would be nice to offer perhaps one day a week, but maybe I'm wrong and you'll have to knock this on the head altogether

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2017 13:10

I think that their age is a red herring. Takers are takers whether they are 18 or 80 and these sound like they think they have found a soft touch.

Its horrible when people do that because as the OP says, it puts you off offering to help other people.

Keep mentioning KIT days with work and getting DD settled in nursery for when you go back to make it clear that a) you are not available all the time and b) you wont be around at all when you go back to work.

And of course, keep saying no!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/05/2017 13:12

YADNBU. I am in my 60s and despite feeling pretty rubbish with shingles recently was charging around to help with a family emergency.

Do we understand that these sisters have never had children? I do think (from experience) that such people can become very self centred, having largely only themselves to think of. And they may not have a clue how busy you can be with dcs and everything else.

Before anyone has a go, yes, I do know that all older childless people are not like this, but I have known a few who most def. were.

Stick to your guns, and make it politely and pleasantly clear that you can help only in genuine one off emerg n it's.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/05/2017 13:13

Emergencies, of course...

Thingsgetbetter · 10/05/2017 13:19

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER massively judgy comment.. And following it with 'I know they're not all like that so don't tell me off etc' doesn't excuse it. Whether they do or don't have children is irrelevant. It's like someone saying 'Are they parents? As some parents can be entitled'. Or 'Are they from - insert region - as those people can be like that'

Greyponcho · 10/05/2017 13:22

I'm with the internet shopping crowd on this one, teach a man to fish and all that.
How will things be when it gets to winter & their ailing health will likely be more of an issue - they need to have more reliable methods of coping than just imposing on you.
You've been kind & neighbourly, but why should they treat you like you've got nothing better to do?

TinselTwins · 10/05/2017 13:24

I disagree that it's common in childless people

I however do think it happens a lot with spinsters/batchellors, as well as people who have had a child but remained single and not had live in partners.

There's a certain…… entitlement to ask for help and a lack of understanding of others commitments I find from people who have lived single lives.

Somerville · 10/05/2017 13:29

I'm still not sure whether the OP is talking about entitled behaviour or desperate behaviour or a bit of both.

But I'm getting fucked off with the 'x group of people are more likely to be entitled' posts.
Some people are mostly selfish, or entitled, or lazy. Some people are mostly generous, or kind, or hard-working. Most people are a massive mixture of all sorts of personality traits. And personality is the key here. It's due to their character, not their relationship status or whether they've had children.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2017 13:39

personality is the key here. It's due to their character, not their relationship status or whether they've had children

Very well said, somerville

And anyway, having a family doesn't always prevent this kind of thing. Just as not all seniors are the same, neither do all offspring feel able to help out - and the the reasons for that can vary just as much

expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 13:47

The second they brought the dog round to you to walk they crossed the line into pisstaking. I wouldn't get further involved, it'll become expected of you. KEEP SAYING NO if you can't what Kokusai wrote, which is really ideal. None of this 'get the them number for this, get them XYZ service, etc.' No, no, no, you have enough on your hands.

Original poster

Casschops · 10/05/2017 14:14

I'm no pushover but equally don't like to be mean. If I can help I will but can't do it if people come to expect it. Both ladies are young in their sixties but this is more about their general health. I pride myself on kindness but can't cope with reliance as I have little one to look after and an elderly mother in law who incidentally is lovely thank goodness. I feel it's more about their personalities than anything else. I'll just have e to be polite and firm but really can't be bothered trying to start a rota with the neighbours. Thank you for all your suggestions........I want to know about Norah too!

OP posts:

TheEmperorIsNaked · 10/05/2017 14:45

I can't get over them asking you to pick them up because they had missed the bus and bringing the dog round to you. You've got a baby!

theclick · 10/05/2017 14:55

Somerville honestly? That sounds nice of you but frankly the OP is under no obligation to take care of any of that shit.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2017 15:57

I'm no pushover but equally don't like to be mean. If I can help I will but can't do it if people come to expect it

Sounds utterly reasonable to me I really do hope you find a way of making this work

Somerville · 10/05/2017 16:40

I didn't talk about obligation. Merely suggestions in case she wanted to do something. Because having someone turn up randomly asking for lifts/dog walks must be maddening.

Greyponcho · 10/05/2017 17:31

Hmm, reminds me of when my DGPs were alive, had my poor DM running ragged around them with the opinion that it was 'her job as their daughter'.
My DM worked full time and had 3 kids to raise with no help from them - queue then asking her to go to the shops.
DM "do you need x, y, z? I know you do enjoy those"
DGP: "no, we have plenty, too much in fact, don't buy us any more x, y or z".

Next day...
DGP: "we need x. We're running out and want some".
DM: "I can get it in next weeks shopping if you like?"
DGP: "what will we do in the meantime? Your DM enjoys her 'x'." "We need some now".
DM: "but you said you had lots of x. What about y and z, do you need any of that?"
DGP: "no we didn't say that eurgh, no. Can't stand y and z. We NEED x though."

DGP: " good. I see you've got the x.
Where's the z?"
DM:

There's no stereotyping of who can impose on another - people of all walks of life can be pisstakers

Fluffyears · 10/05/2017 19:04

Avoid as they will just become more reliant on you over time.

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