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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour asking for a lift and asking me to do the shopping.

77 replies

Casschops · 10/05/2017 10:18

No back story but I live three doors down from two sisters both in their sixties and in poor health. One sister has arthritis and gets quite severe flare ups which leave her in bed for days at a time. Both sisters catch the bus into town everyday to shop etc. I'm currently on maternity leave so can be at home at different times of day. Sister with arthritis has had flare up and is in bed. Other sister has flu so I offer to walk the dog and so some shopping while I'm doing mine until they are both better then take sister who is no feeling better into town one day to do her shopping. One week later I received a text message asking if I can walk the dog today, which I can't then the next ay big sisters hanging around on the street hinting at a lift to town. I take them as I'm going that way anyway then they call me about 1pm saying that they missed the bus home and could I come and get them. I answered that I wasn't available (partly as I can't be bothered and I don't want this to become a long term committment) and they get back and see me at home staring through he window as they go past. They bring the dog round that afternoon and ask me to walk it. It's a lovely staffy but very bouncy and difficult to negotiate with the baby buggy. My own dog is not keen on other dogs so I would have to do two would dog walks but walks nicely next to the buggy. They keep hinting and I keep making polite excuses AIBU not to help? I did this as a one off because they were struggling it puts me off helping anyone else.

OP posts:

SlB09 · 10/05/2017 11:24

Suggest the cinneman trust for the dog, volunteers take the dog out for walks for those older with ill/fluctuating health. Its a good way to hint but be helpful.

BarbarianMum · 10/05/2017 11:24

Helping a neighbour in a crisis/emergency is one thing - it's the neighbourly thing to do. There is no obligation on the OP to make it a regular thing. They can hire a taxi/shop on line/pay a dog walker/wait for the next bus.

redjoker · 10/05/2017 11:29

60! Iv'e got older chicken nuggets in my freezer than that!

You've been kind, thats great, continue to be but make it clear its set days, set things, any other help they will need to ask a charity etc for

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 10/05/2017 11:31

You are very kind but I totally understand how you feel.
Could you text (so your words can't be manipulated)
"Whilst I was more than happy to help out when you were both sick I have so many other commitments on at the moment that I can't take on the regular role of lifts and dog walks (our dog doesn't walk well with other dogs so I have to go out twice). I could however help you to set up internet supermarket shopping so you are familiar with it should you be unable to get out and about like last week."

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2017 11:37

If you're planning to go back to work they'll need other support systems in place to cope when you're not around and have even more on your plate.

You've been lovely. But I agree with others, they're taking the piss a bit and if they need this much help, rather than just fancy it, they need to make provisions.

My 60something parents are working, travelling, renovating houses. My 90something aunt is ordering shopping online, has her prescriptions delivered, didn't replace her dog who died as she couldn't commit to walking one regularly, pays for help with the garden and big house jobs.

She's fiercely independent and would be horrified if she thought anyone suspected her of using them. She's been on her own for 40 years and lived through the war, she's made of tough stuff.

These women have each other for company and sound very opportunistic as there's nothing wrong with them now.

Stuffofawesome · 10/05/2017 11:38

www.borrowmydoggy.com/

FallOutTime · 10/05/2017 11:40

Just be honest. "Sorry loves, I have too much on my plate to be doing lifts n or walking your dog. I offered last week cos Ethel was sick but I don't want to do it as a regular thing. Have you tried the cinemon trust if you are struggling ith the dog walking? "

This suggestion from a pp is perfect.

Panicmode1 · 10/05/2017 11:41

I had an elderly neighbour who I used to take to a church lunch every week (which incidentally I wasn't attending) - I just used to drop her off because she didn't drive and the bus times were difficult for her. By that point I had become a SAHM to my four children and it didn't take me very long and gave her social interaction after a stroke, which had left her very immobile so I was happy to do it.

Gradually however, she started asking me to get shopping, collect prescriptions, take her to doctors appointments, act as a taxi and at first I did help out - but she never really said thank you and got quite put out if I said it wasn't convenient....(I have four children - and my youngest was only a couple of months old when this all started). I bumped into a mutual neighbour who then told me that she had two daughters, one of whom was local and could help, and that she (my neighbour) was also being run ragged, but her children have all left home so she has more time and she told me to stop doing things if it wasn't easy for me, and not to feel bad!

I did feel really bad but eventually I had to say that I can take you to your lunch once a week, but I can't just drop everything every time you need me - it felt horrible, but I felt she was really starting to take advantage of my good nature. So, I would definitely put some boundaries in place now to protect yourself. There's being neighbourly, and there's being a mug!

Somerville · 10/05/2017 11:46

Everyone saying my suggestions were too much for OP... Maybe so, that's for her to decide. But there's no harm in making suggestions. All of those are the kind of things that people in my village do for each other. As I said, I started getting my neighbour's food shopping along with my own when her driving licence was revoked. It is really no extra work at all.

As for 60's are not old. No, 60 isn't old. But the first line of OP said and in poor health.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2017 11:57

They need longterm, reliable support systems in place Somerville. It's lovely the OP has been able to pitch in and help, but she won't be around to do so indefinitely, even if she wanted to, so it's just putting off the inevitable, which is they need to make plans which will make their lives easier to manage.

Rafflesway · 10/05/2017 12:01

For goodness sake, being in their 60's is NOT OLD!

Sorry but I think they are playing on their so called age and health somewhat .

We are both in our 60's - DH 5 years more than me - and we still feel like we are in our 30's! (DH has osteo arthritis too which he has learned to live with)

Also, chances are they can probably afford the help they need, I.e. taxis, occasional dog walker etc.

OP, YADNBU!

Somerville · 10/05/2017 12:02

If they do need long term support systems Anne, then one of my suggestions was getting in touch with appropriate services. (It's why I made varied suggestions, to give some different ideas depending on the circumstances.)

Of course they could be chancers who don't need any more support. But there were loads of PP's making that point, so I offered an alternate idea as none of us really know the specifics of the situation.

StealthPolarBear · 10/05/2017 12:05

" redjoker

60! Iv'e got older chicken nuggets in my freezer than that!"
:o Im sure I have some herbs and spices that are that old as well

TinselTwins · 10/05/2017 12:06

YANBU

We were neighbourly to an old batchellor when he had a fall, however once he recovered he started doing what your neighbours are doing

Unfortunately we took the "polite excuse" route which ended up coming to a head one evening when he shouted out his window as I was getting in my car to ask me what time I would be home incase he needed anything. I ended up snapping at him and we fell out. (this was after he had already been keeping tabs on when we were at home, i.e. "on call" for him, such as approaching DH and asking him if his hours had changed as he saw that he came home at 3 last Thursday instead of 5 etc)

TinselTwins · 10/05/2017 12:08

So from my experience I think you have to be blunt to maintain neighbourly relations:

"I'm sorry I can't walk your dog regularly, I will do what I can if you have an emergency, but it won't work as a regular arrangement" - no excuses/reasons.

cantfindname · 10/05/2017 12:10

First time post and joined for this. This is a great concept if there are others in the area: www.borrowmydoggy.com/how-it-works
As to the lifts online shopping has to be the way to go.

biglouis · 10/05/2017 12:10

I once got myself into a difficult situation with a "needy" neighbour by help[ing with her DLA form. Thereafter she really took advantage by recruiting me to help with all kinds of things. She had a nephew living with her but somehow he was unable to help with many of these tasks. She would come around for a chat when I was supposed to be "working at home" and it took hours to get rid. I did try to explain that when I was at home I was still on my employers time (a university) the work still had to be done! Eventually I stopped opening the door when she came and rationed her to one short visit a week.

Unlike the previous poster I did not feel a bitch as I was working full time and had no domestic support myself. Eventually she moved away - sigh of relief. A year or so later her nephew contacted me and asked if I would help with her DLA again. "No sorry, I dont drive and you are too far away". He offered to give me a lift so I reluctantly agreed to help. While I was there he drank beer all afternoon and was too drunk to drive me back. I had to pay for my own taxi. Soon as I got back I blocked their phone number!

SaucyJack · 10/05/2017 12:13

Did you get one of your neighbours to show you how to use to post on MN Raffles? ;-)

And agree Anne. If they are both now permanently in too poor health to cope with daily life- then it's even more important that they seek professional, reliable care rather than throwing themselves on the mercy of a neighbour on ML leave.

And if they're not... fuck'em.

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2017 12:14

Absolutely agree you should not feel obliged and some people FIL definitely get cheeky/ lose boundaries with asking for, then expecting help. Text or say straight that you are sorry but have your hands full and cannot commit to regular help and the dog is too much for you.

Then suggest asking Age UK to pop over to advise them on all the services they might be able to tap into. They did a brilliant job with FIL getting him a Taxicard, BB, Atendance Allowance etc etc. They would probably also try to set up contact with the Cinnamon Trust.

If they won't take that up then they aren't all that desperate or keen.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2017 12:14

Completely agree that it's lovely to help, but also that it's important to manage this

Would it help to offer some time on a certain day to help them out? So if they need groceries you could get them along with yours, a prescription could be picked up on the way, a lift could be made to coincide with what you're already doing, etc?

Then if they ask for anything else - even dog walking - you could say "it'll have to be on (chosen day)", which is still helpful but will hopefully avoid constant badgering

HarrietVane99 · 10/05/2017 12:18

If they do need long term support systems, then one of my suggestions was getting in touch with appropriate services

But there's nothing in the op to suggest they're not capable of doing that for themselves. One of them has arthritis and the other was temporarily laid up with flu. OP hasn't said either of them appears to have learning difficulties or dementia or any other difficulty which might require outside intervention. If they have access to, and can use, a telephone and/or a computer, and a bank card, they can make their own arrangements.

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2017 12:18

What's with all the people saying 60s isn't old? It's perfectly possible to be in poor health at any age. OP hasn't said they are old, just in poor health and giving her grief.

WankingMonkey · 10/05/2017 12:20

My MIL is having the piss taken out of her by neighbours like this. she is ill herself but she is walking 2 dogs per day around her estate, picking up a morning paper for the upstairs neighbour and doing regular shops for other neighbours. She knows they are taking the piss but is too scared to say no. I offered to stay there for a few days and politely tell them to do one and leave her alone but she reckons they may target her if I do this. I even offered to help her move as shes always moaning about people round there, if they aren't expecting her to do shit for them they are arguing at midnight, or standing staring into her window, or knocking on her door like children and running away in the middle of the night But she won't move either.

So now, we have just resigned ourselves to the fact that people will take advantage of her and that we will have to hear about it all..

Some people are just wankers.

Rafflesway · 10/05/2017 12:22

Saucy. Nah, managed all by myself despite being an old crone

Glad to see I'm not the only one thinking these sisters are taking the pee somewhat. Being in relatively "poor health" in your 60's is not much different to being in poor health in your 30's.

PersianCatLady · 10/05/2017 12:23

60s is not elderly or vulnerable
People of any age can be vulnerable if they are not well but it doesn't make them your responsibility.

When my new next door neighbour had a stem cell transplant and her sister had just moved abroad, I visited her every other day because I could and she was immensely grateful.

I wouldn't have done the same for someone who expected it of me.

Now my neighbour is better, we are the best of friends and as I sit here typing this, her dog is in my garden because I am looking after her for three days while my neighbour is away.

Even if I refuse my neighbour will insist on paying me for looking after the dog.

I have tried to refuse but the reason why she pays me is because she would rather I had a bit of extra cash than the dog go where she used to.

At the other dog sitting place, the dog was often left alone all day in a kitchen with other dogs and she didn't like it there.

In my home, the dog becomes part of the family for a few days.

Any way moral of the story is that some people in life are grateful and appreciate your help and other people don't and make you feel as if you should do things for them because you can.

I think that the two sisters in your road fall into the second category.

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