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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit cross/disappointed with SD?

54 replies

Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:08

I'm just looking for a couple of points of view really.
Background:I've been with DH since SD was 3, he had already split with her mum and this was her choice. Was always very careful in the beginning in not encroaching on her time with DH. DH has always paid maintenance via private arrangement although in recent years technically I've been paying it (no difference in amount) as DH is now studying and zero income. It's not been the easiest of situations as ex and DH have clashed many times and she has stopped contact; twice I have mediated between them so SD could see DH again.

DH and I have children of our own. SD also has siblings through her mum. SD is now 17. Visits have slowly dwindled from SD over the past 3 years, which I realise is normal for a teen to want to spend more time with friends etc so DH has allowed her to lead contact. They stayed in almost daily contact via text etc though. To be clear I have really good friendly relationship with her and love her very much.

About a year ago, SD stopped contacting DH unless it was for him to either send money or to buy something. Again, typical teen behaviour, right?

However this past 6 months SD visited only at Christmas (to collect presents) and has spoke to DH only twice once to ask for something fairly small, which he bought and the second time to ask for really a large purchase. I haven't spoken to her at all as last time I tried to text she ignored it and then told DH she doesn't "do" texting. She has missed her siblings birthday as Well, which is heart breaking as they love her to pieces. The last request for something (to add this is in addition to maintenance, which goes from my account every month) was quite large and DH asked SD to speak to me about it, as in real terms it is me that would be paying for it and I already do buy a lot for her like clothes etc She never says thanks to me she sometimes does to DH. She hasn't spoken to me at all and hasn't spoke to DH since either.

There has been no major event I can think of and to be clear since SD has been 12 ish I suppose, she has led contact and DH picks her up and takes her home.

AIBU to feel a bit cross/disappointed/upset about SD missing siblings birthdays? I feel like she only gets in touch when she needs something and can't understand how we got here.I feel bad for DH who is an amazing father and I can see he is hurting about the lack of contact :(

OP posts:
theculture · 10/05/2017 08:12

As a general rule I don't think teenagers are interested in family or other people's feeling until they begin to mature in their early 20's

Not much experience of blended families so hope someone with more can come along to help

Wando1986 · 10/05/2017 08:13

He's her father. He should lead contact. She was still a child and unfortunately he's made his own bed.

SaucyJack · 10/05/2017 08:15

I don't think your child-led approach to contact is working.

Did you invite her to her siblings' birthday celebrations?

Auspiciouspanda · 10/05/2017 08:16

Honestly it sounds like normal self absorbed teenage behaviour. When I was 17 I would pretty much never home so I can understand why she wouldn't want to spend her weekend doing 'contact'.

And it really doesn't matter that you pay the child maintenance (that you mentioned twice) he shouldn't have quit his job to study if he couldn't afford to pay for his responsibilities.

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:16

I agree regarding contact tbh wando. But I think he thought he was doing the right thing, SD would be due to come and then something else would come up like a party etc so he just said see you next time instead, but it became more and more frequent :(

OP posts:
Gallavich · 10/05/2017 08:17

Yeah, I think it was a mistake to let her lead contact too. Her relationship with her father and siblings was never going to be her first priority as a self obsessed teen so he and the mother should have made it a priority for her and agreed set times that she stays, regardless of whatever else was going on. She has drifted away because your husband was too passive.

2410ang · 10/05/2017 08:17

YANBU to be disappointed I can see this must be difficult for you all.

Have you tried to invite her round for dinner just to spend a couple of hours with you all?

It's not unusual for teens to go distant I remember being like this myself.

As I got over 18 moved out of home and could do as I pleased I ended up spending more time with my parents and siblings than when I still lived there.

Hope things turn around for you all xx

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:18

And yes of course DH invited to her parties

OP posts:
2410ang · 10/05/2017 08:20

panda that's a bit harsh, OP isn't complaining about paying the maintenance and I'm pretty sure that DH's studies will lead to a better paid job in the end.

MimiSunshine · 10/05/2017 08:21

Would you let your children have treats and expensive items bought for them if they were rude (ignoring you) and refused to participate in family life? Or would you say no to luxuries until they learn to have some manners?

If the later then I'd follow the same principle with your SD. Although I can see your DH might not like it as he'd be worried she'd not be in touch at all.i do t think it's right to blame her being inconsiderate or ignoring her siblings on the fact she's a teenager, yes they're often thoughtless but she's 17 and almost an adult and even at 12 should've known it's not the right way to behave.

I think you both should just try to maintain contact even if she doesn't respond, just keep texting her and say you all miss her especially her siblings

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:22

Thanks for that I'm definitely not saying mistakes haven't been made and I do agree with the child led thing but it was not my business and DH said as much when I raised it, as it would have been nice to have a regular time to spend with SD. I'm guessing there's not much I can do at this point as SD won't answer phone or texts from me anyway. Just feel sad about it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:27

Mimi no I wouldn't and actually I'm very strict over manners with my BC maybe that's why I mentioned not saying thanks as well. I will encourage DH to keep texting, and hope she knows we love her and will get back in touch soon. Thank you for all your replies :)

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 10/05/2017 08:28

Tbh, I wouldn't get hung up on whether it is your money or dh's that pays child support. You married a man who has a child and your household has an obligation to support her - as a couple you decided that dh could study and have zero income, which you cannot just do when you have dc to support unless your spouse picks up the costs. So I think it is unfair that dd has to go via you rather than her dad because the money is family money now because of your shared decision for dh to give up work. I kind of feel he has passed the buck there.

I would be hurt that she didn't acknowkedge her siblings birthdays by at least phoning to say hi. Not replying to texts is also rude.

I think your dh has to do some major relationship repair. I don't mean buying her stuff but going out of his way to see her, calling her etc. I think she might be testing his commitment so he has to take the lead. I don't mean that he mustn't ever say no to her, but he must make himself a real part of her life.

Can I ask if child support has been generous or minimal? Because that affects relationships - possibly she might feel like an obligation rather than an equally valued child. Not saying that is def the case but a possibility. Teens do sometimes see injustice where it doesn't exist and I think that is magnified in step families but that is something only you can assess.

Auspiciouspanda · 10/05/2017 08:32

2410

Then why mention twice that she pays the maintenance? And I assume so yes, which is why I study around my full time job as my children need housing, clothing and food you know?

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:35

I mentioned maintenance because I've read enough on here to realise it gets jumped on. It's always been mutually agreed and BM has always been happy with it. I think it's a reasonable amount and is just for living costs; other stuff like uniform trips etc we have contributed half and separately. I mention about the financial situation as it is kind of my business where the money in our house goes (DH doesn't have his own income at the moment) and whilst I have no issue with smaller purchases whatsoever this was a large (over £500) item so would be a joint decision. Tbh I'm the softer one I'd be more inclined to say yes anyway!

As far as I know there is no issue with maintenance/financial contribution, but useful to think about I suppose.

OP posts:
Auspiciouspanda · 10/05/2017 08:40

Some Teenagers will also push people away deliberately to see how they react, if your DH hasn't been proactive it trying to see/talk to her she may take that as if he's not bothered.

I would suggest your DH tries to talk to her and tell her he misses her and wants to see her etc

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:43

Thanks panda I hadn't thought of that, I will try and encourage him to text her, should I text her sometimes too (as I said she tends to ignore them) or should I just let DH and SD get on with it? I miss her too!

OP posts:
notanevilstepmother · 10/05/2017 08:48

Actually it is very much your business, you have supported her financially and emotionally since she was little. It is out of order for her to miss her siblings birthday, but it is also normal teenage behaviour.

In short, you have a DH problem. It's his job to remind her to buy presents for her siblings and remind her of her manners. However he is probably a bit scared of loosing her and if he is anything like mine this makes him too soft on her. He can't say it's not your business while expecting you to pay for her.

He isn't acting in her best interests by leaving contact to her, it probably makes her feel that he doesn't care.

Maybe you can go for a coffee with her??

RB68 · 10/05/2017 08:53

Texting isn't really how teens communicate these days you need to ask her what she does use - whats ap, instagram or other (I really don't claim to know as struggle to get any response from my 11 yr old unless she wants a lift as she has missed the bus!!) but it helps me to know how she is communicating and where she is as that effects if she has wifi/data access or if a text is better

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 08:55

Oh gosh I don't expect her to buy presents for them, just to wish them happy birthday. I would love to go for a coffee with her, when she was little I used to take her out lots of places, as she grew up it changed to shopping trips/lunches/bowling etc as it tends to do, we've always got on really well I've been really lucky in that way. I suppose I'm questioning if I've done something wrong but as many have said it is probably just being a teen, which I do (vaguely!) remember.

I'll text her and see if she would like to do something and hope she replies. I agree regarding DH too. I think that is why he asked her to speak to me as well, but she hasn't spoken to him since so those worries might be justified?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2017 08:58

You've been together for all of her life that she wil be able to remember yet dh does all the texting, inviting etc. Do you have any personal contact with her? Time together, days out! That sort of thing?

I'm wondering if since you've had DC and she's hit her teen years she feels like a bit of a fish out of water. I'd accept that most teens go through a pretty rude and ungrateful phase but also keep trying to form links. She may not 'do' text but I'll eat my hat of she doesn't 'do' whatsapp, snapchat or something else. Send a couple of messages a week with funny pics, links or just a thinking of you. Maybe the odd question she might actually answer.

Keep at it and even if you both feel it's a bit hopeless for a while I bet she will come back. With regards to the big purchase she 100% needs to come to discuss and explain and then you can consider it. Perhaps she needs to contribute herself. Don't allow her to use her contact as a bargaining tool.

MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2017 09:00

Sorry, I cross posted a bit there.

littlehandcuffs · 10/05/2017 09:02

She is maybe a little disappointed in her Dads lack of effort with her. It was his choice to stop work and study, leaving you to pay maintenance. She shouldn't be made to feel she has to be "grateful" for this it is a legal obligation to support your children. Maybe it took a lot of courage to ask her Dad for this thing and being knocked back and told to talk to you is too much.

Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 09:05

Thanks Matilda that makes a lot of sense and will definitely try harder personally as well as encouraging DH. I was very worried I was the problem as it was only me she ignored via text, so backed off a bit to give her a bit of space but that hasn't made it any better either.I have no idea what Snapchat is but have at least heard of whatsapp so could try that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexieblue · 10/05/2017 09:10

Little i don't think SD has any idea about the maintenance arrangements and is certainly not made to be feel grateful for it, I'm not sure where that has come from? However I do think saying thank you for items bought for her is good manners-i expect mine to. I don't however expect them to say thank you for heating electric water food and a roof over their heads which is what maintenance is for?

OP posts:
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