To feel a bit cross/disappointed with SD?

[Lexieblue]

I'm just looking for a couple of points of view really.
Background:I've been with DH since SD was 3, he had already split with her mum and this was her choice. Was always very careful in the beginning in not encroaching on her time with DH. DH has always paid maintenance via private arrangement although in recent years technically I've been paying it (no difference in amount) as DH is now studying and zero income. It's not been the easiest of situations as ex and DH have clashed many times and she has stopped contact; twice I have mediated between them so SD could see DH again.

DH and I have children of our own. SD also has siblings through her mum. SD is now 17. Visits have slowly dwindled from SD over the past 3 years, which I realise is normal for a teen to want to spend more time with friends etc so DH has allowed her to lead contact. They stayed in almost daily contact via text etc though. To be clear I have really good friendly relationship with her and love her very much.

About a year ago, SD stopped contacting DH unless it was for him to either send money or to buy something. Again, typical teen behaviour, right?

However this past 6 months SD visited only at Christmas (to collect presents) and has spoke to DH only twice once to ask for something fairly small, which he bought and the second time to ask for really a large purchase. I haven't spoken to her at all as last time I tried to text she ignored it and then told DH she doesn't "do" texting. She has missed her siblings birthday as Well, which is heart breaking as they love her to pieces. The last request for something (to add this is in addition to maintenance, which goes from my account every month) was quite large and DH asked SD to speak to me about it, as in real terms it is me that would be paying for it and I already do buy a lot for her like clothes etc She never says thanks to me she sometimes does to DH. She hasn't spoken to me at all and hasn't spoke to DH since either.

There has been no major event I can think of and to be clear since SD has been 12 ish I suppose, she has led contact and DH picks her up and takes her home.

AIBU to feel a bit cross/disappointed/upset about SD missing siblings birthdays? I feel like she only gets in touch when she needs something and can't understand how we got here.I feel bad for DH who is an amazing father and I can see he is hurting about the lack of contact :(

£500 for a new laptop when you already bought her one less than 12 months ago is pretty mind blowing to me. What happened to her previous one?!

I must be out of date, but I have a laptop that will be 7 years old in August and cost around £550 at the time. I use it daily for work and in the past heavily used it for personal stuff and it is still going strong. Surely her previous one must be in warranty, if it is broken and needs fixing that is.

Op it does sound like she falls into the selfish teenager camp. Time for your dh to put his foot down with her, and start saying no to her material demands. Invite her to things, and leave it up to her. Hopefully it will pass in a few years.

I haven't meant offense with "BM" it was short hand so very sorry if it did cause offense. I am in no way trying to take anything away from her mum as she's a great mum.

I dont think she's out of order to ask btw and I'm not entirely sure about the conversation as to why it's needed after having a new one and from my point of view there isn't an issue with getting it, it's more the not seeing her and I've had some great advice on that.

Yes we have always made an effort on her birthday, used to be a party of some sort with school friends (organised with mum) as she has got older it's tended to be what SD has wanted to do and sometimes we do it jointly with her mum (like a group trip to theme park) or sometimes we've done something independently, we also have this special restaurant we all go to for all our birthdays.

All i can do is tell DH to talk to her again about the laptop, I wouldn't have said no anyway as I'd feel like a wicked step mother (which I'm kind of feeling like now anyway!) I do appreciate the advice, Thank you

If it's an upgraded laptop she really needs to pop over and have a chat with you both about it. It seems she's got in the habit of communicating very separately with yourself and dh.

Did you know that on whatsapp you can form groups which are brilliant for family contact? Very very easy. Maybe form a group with the three of you (4 if your eldest DC has a phone) and just use it for random shit so you are all communicating together. It's great.

She needs to have an adult sort of conversation as to why she needs the laptop and how she might get it. Or not. 17 plus is a really expensive age so she needs to be aware that she cannot have everything at the first request every time.

Hope things improve soon. Teens really do eventually return to normal pleasant people.