To feel a bit cross/disappointed with SD?

[Lexieblue]

I'm just looking for a couple of points of view really.
Background:I've been with DH since SD was 3, he had already split with her mum and this was her choice. Was always very careful in the beginning in not encroaching on her time with DH. DH has always paid maintenance via private arrangement although in recent years technically I've been paying it (no difference in amount) as DH is now studying and zero income. It's not been the easiest of situations as ex and DH have clashed many times and she has stopped contact; twice I have mediated between them so SD could see DH again.

DH and I have children of our own. SD also has siblings through her mum. SD is now 17. Visits have slowly dwindled from SD over the past 3 years, which I realise is normal for a teen to want to spend more time with friends etc so DH has allowed her to lead contact. They stayed in almost daily contact via text etc though. To be clear I have really good friendly relationship with her and love her very much.

About a year ago, SD stopped contacting DH unless it was for him to either send money or to buy something. Again, typical teen behaviour, right?

However this past 6 months SD visited only at Christmas (to collect presents) and has spoke to DH only twice once to ask for something fairly small, which he bought and the second time to ask for really a large purchase. I haven't spoken to her at all as last time I tried to text she ignored it and then told DH she doesn't "do" texting. She has missed her siblings birthday as Well, which is heart breaking as they love her to pieces. The last request for something (to add this is in addition to maintenance, which goes from my account every month) was quite large and DH asked SD to speak to me about it, as in real terms it is me that would be paying for it and I already do buy a lot for her like clothes etc She never says thanks to me she sometimes does to DH. She hasn't spoken to me at all and hasn't spoke to DH since either.

There has been no major event I can think of and to be clear since SD has been 12 ish I suppose, she has led contact and DH picks her up and takes her home.

AIBU to feel a bit cross/disappointed/upset about SD missing siblings birthdays? I feel like she only gets in touch when she needs something and can't understand how we got here.I feel bad for DH who is an amazing father and I can see he is hurting about the lack of contact :(

It sounds like this financial issue might be what's behind it. My eldest, who is 15, would be incandescent with fury if she asked for something and I directed her to ask DH (her stepfather) instead. She's my child and my responsibility and I need to consider her and her siblings before I make choices that will affect what I can provide for them.
I'm not saying that SD was right to ask for the item - depends what it was. But I can wholly understand her being upset by the response she got.

I have to say, too, that in experience of parenting a teenager has taught me so far that it's being there in the little ways that builds trust and strengthens our relationship. Seeing it's raining outside, and offering to drive her rather than her long walk and bus. That kind of thing. Obviously much harder as her father isn't local. But if he can find some ways to be there for her it could help a lot.
Finally, does he pay her phone bill? Most of DD1's friends with divorced parents seem to have the latest iPhone paid for by NRP. Presumably to encourage lots of phone/text/FaceTime contact.

How old was she when her siblings were born? I agree with PPs that it sounds like your DH is very lax about making it clear how much he'd like to see her, and if that coincided with the birth of her siblings you may have a huge bridge to build. She may feel she's been replaced. Even when everything is done perfectly that's still a risk when siblings are born who live full-time with the NRP, but if a change in approach happens around that time it's even worse.

Thank you Somerville we are actually very local sadly so it shouldn't be this hard and I accept it isn't SDs fault at all and hope it comes across that I love her very much and want her to be happy but would like to see her sometimes as well!
DH used to pay her phone bill, we take it in turns with BM on contracts it's due for swap in july/august i think. I am listening to everyone's suggestions as I do want to put it right was a bit upset about no birthday messages but l accept teens will be teens.

So many of these 'step' children issues are really no different to any bolshy teenage behaviour, my 16 year old completely forgot my birthday yesterday - despite DH giving him constant reminders (I overheard ) - I could choose to get huffy and upset about it or I can dismiss it as teenage self obsessed behaviour. I've shrugged it off and accepted the card late last night.

But I do think it is incredibly insensitive of your DH to tell his daughter to speak to you about finances - very unreasonable.

I have a DSD who is now in her late 20s, I have been with DH since she was 10 and her parents were already divorced when we met. We too had a sticky patch in late teens when she became more independent and only seemed to want to see us irregularly to ask for things. Annoyingly she would be quite happy to be in our home when we were away, but it was 'too far' to bother when we were there. She was 17 when our DC1 was born and once he was a toddler we would occasionally pay her to babysit. That worked quite well in terms of building a relationship between them but it wasn't often as she was too busy. Anyway by the time she was 21/22 things had improved immensely, so I would keep being supportive and letting her know you all love her and want to see her and hopefully she will 'come back' to you later. We have a great relationship now.
As far as the money is concerned I think your DH needs to have a chat with her and explain that as he isn't earning he can't keep paying out for extra luxury things for her at the moment and maybe she needs to start earning some money herself. We found that DSD didn't really grasp fully how costly life could be until she fully left home. ('Everything's so expensive Dad' )
It's a difficult age, but keep going you are nearly there...

But you state that she is aware that you have taken over paying her maintenance? , not her Dad. That she needs to come to you to ask for the item? How long has her Dad been out of work? Maybe, if you are comparing her to your children you need to think how that may make her feel? She doesn't sound that awful tbh, just a normal young teenager.

My BC are 12&9 so SD did spend a lot of time with them, I would say this started about 5 years ago but the past 6 months has been very sparse in contact.

Are you in a position to provide this thing?

It does seem that your husband isnt making things easy for her at the moment. It also sounds like he wants to blame you for saying no, not him.

Perhaps he should have said "it's a lot of money, I will need to talk to Lexieblue and I will let you know tomorrow" rather than telling her to ask you.

I hope she replies to your message and you can reassure her that you both miss her and so do her siblings. I'd make it really really clear to her that you love her and she is family to you even though she has her mum too. She is in a difficult place if she has siblings with mum and with dad.

I think all you can do is bide your time. My son and DiL are going through almost an identical situation with teens. My DiL has been amazing over the years. Made lots of effort for the SCs and made financial sacrifices for them. I think her heart breaks more for my Son and their children than for herself. Hopefully as they mature i to adults the bond will strengthen again.

No sorry little I've not been clear; she's aware dad isn't working so she knows I would be buying her the large item certainly, but we've never discussed maintenance with her, I assume BM hasn't either?

I suppose it's not a huge reach for her to assume I pay maintenance but I don't think she even realises about it?

We are in a position to buy it. It's a laptop by the way. It's the second one we have bought for her in the past 12 months (don't ask!!!)

Teens will always have something better to do than see their parents. Your DH (or you) should be proactive..quick text to suggest coffee at Starbucks sometime that week (not at weekend), movie or meal.
(From observations of successful NRP relationships for DD & her friends)

Younger siblings parties aren't interesting to a teenager, younger kids aren't interesting full stop.

Her mother is her full and only mother, not 'birth mother', that's the term for women who give their kids for adoption and who are no longer mothers.

I just wanted to add, you are not being unreasonable to be upset, the reason I can be clear headed in my posts about it being normal and her Dad needs to step up is because I had a lot of time to think and discuss after I was upset. Just because it's normal teenage behaviour doesn't make it right if you see what I mean. Also I'm not being nasty about your DH I hope, just trying to help. As I said mine was the same. I had words with him after DSD couldn't be bothered to get me a birthday card (I don't expect a present, but I think a card isn't too much to expect). and realised that the reason she didn't forget to get his was because I take her shopping to get his.

Hilda my DSDs mother is her mum and her real mum and her proper mum and her birth mother, but I am her step mum, it's not the same as her real mum, but to say her real mum is her only mum is very very insulting. Have my first

Thank you just, I do appreciate all the advice received and have already text SD to ask how she's doing and if she's free at weekend to meet up. I know what you mean, she has missed my birthday too last month but tbh she did last year too, I'm not as bothered about that but siblings will be around long after I've gone and would love them to be close when they're grown up.

Whether I bought a second lsptop would depend on what had happened to the first.

My ds (aged 20) is really careful with his, but I've still had to buy him two since he started uni - laptops seem to be shit these days, unless you get a super expensive one.
Can you and her mum split the cost if she really needs it for studying or if yhe first one isn't fixable?

Why don't you write her a letter, a proper 'takes time to write, personal, making the effort, can't be done while sitting in traffic' letter? Tell her you miss her, tell her you'd love to spend time with her like you used to do, tell her that the others miss her too. Fill her in on what's been going in your & her father's lives, ask her what's happening in hers. Texts are great for keeping in touch but require very little effort. A letter would show her that you've sat down and spent the time thinking about her.

It's more of a upgrade situation with the laptop the previous one is as far as I know is working fine.

What a lovely idea Lady! I like that idea a lot!

She has asked her Dad (not damanded) and she says thank you to her Dad for things she is bought. You now want her to ask you and say thank you to you, that might be the thing that is upsetting her? If she is nearly non-contact with you then there is something more than normal teenage angst going on. (Birth Mother is considered offensive when used to describe someone who still has their children in the same way sperm doner is for a man)

Could you go old fashioned and write her a card saying how you have missed spending time with her and would love to hear from her, then send that? Changing communication method and making a bit of effort (in comparison to a text) might jolt her into responding. Otherwise, perhaps have a word with her mum and see what her perspective on it is. If mum is in agreement, then she could help to encourage her to communicate with her dad and so on.

Also, what happens over school holidays? With summer coming up, maybe she'll have more free time so would be more likely to spend time with you and the family.

Hmm, you do realise that the your H does have a role in the dynamic between him and his DD.

You don't have a SD problem, you have a DH problem, the primary relationship is between your H and his DD. She treats him a bit like crap because he lets her get away with it and that isn't your responsibility. It appears that your input is needed to finance his cash machine persona but it's suddenly none of your business when you point out the consequences of his poor boundaries.

Your SD treats you like she does her father, with contempt and as long as you both reward her contempt, there isn't any incentive for her to behave otherwise.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

I agree it could be normal teenage behaviour but what if she is sitting around saying 'they wouldn't bother if it wasn't for me' I say this as we have had something similar within the family. One side saying, they didn't want intrude or be pushy and the other side saying they were aloof and disinterested. It was.all a matter of perception. She could see the invite to her siblings parties as it being about them and rubbing her nose in it where as you see it as Including her as part of your celebrations, especially as her siblings love her.

Perhaps if your DH suggests a lunch out. Just her and him that he arranges and he says to her, I know you are a teenager but I miss you and miss not spending tine with you. That could be a start to rebuild their relationship.

Good luck OP

Laptops are one of those things that need replacing fairly often. I don't think it's out of order for her to ask. Her father should do some digging about what happened to the old one/what functionality she needs that she hasn't got, ETC...

I think the fact it's a laptop sheds further light here. So for whatever reason she doesn't currently have one (it got lost or it's overfull and so sloooooow that it's frustrating to use, or whatever). She's aware that her mother currently pays her phone bill, and the contract might not be a very generous one. And then her father won't engage with her about a new laptop. She probably thinks that it'll be the same issue when her contract needs renewing in the summer.
And then you guys text her.
So she doesn't reply. Because her father isn't doing anything to facilitate electronic communication.

Regarding the sibling's birthday celebration - does her father throw her a birthday celebration too? (Another thing that could be upsetting her.)

I agree that the term BM (birth mother) has been misused in this context.