Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that resting does not stop you miscarrying!

72 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 09/05/2017 07:21

I had a miscarriage last week, my second. Spotting began on previous Friday,Began miscarrying on Monday and was back at work on Wednesday with cocodamol for the pain- it was a big week at work for me and I couldn't take any more time off.
Since then several people have said to me that I should have rested more before and during the miscarriage, both in an attempt to prevent it and to help my body recover. Is this really true though? Could I have changed the outcome and /or the severity of the pain by resting? I think not but maybe I'm wrong :(

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/05/2017 07:24

So sorry Flowers

What shitty things people say

Yanbu xx onwards dear OP

TheoriginalLEM · 09/05/2017 07:25

Of course you are not wrong, and im very sorry for your loss. How insensitive are people? ??

However you should rest if you need to. It may be you need to keep busy and thats ok but if you are struggling then do rest otherwise you'll be laid up even longer :(

anotherBadAvatar · 09/05/2017 07:26

Sorry Flowers

Nothing you have done or could have done would prevent a miscarriage.

I think people are clumsily trying to tell you to take time for yourself and heal. Some people just want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to be over, some want to continue as normal so as not to think of it. Everyone's different.

Take care of yourself.

GingerHanna · 09/05/2017 07:26

What absolute bollocks and shame on them for saying that.

So sorry you're going through this. Please know that you didn't cause it and that you couldn't have changed the outcome. Nor would the pain have likely been any different.

Stupid twats.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/05/2017 07:26

I mean you are right! Flowers

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 09/05/2017 07:29

You're right, nothing would have changed the outcome. People mean to be helpful but largely they don't know what to say and come out with 18th century old wives tales. So sorry you're going through this.

Crunchymum · 09/05/2017 07:33

I've had 5 and not once have I ever been told rest would have prevented them. What a shitty and uneducated thing to say. If it is a medical professional who said this, report them!!!

Sorry for your loss. As I say I've had 5 in total but I have also had 2 successful pregnancies so don't give up hope.

Flowers
DaisyChainsForever · 09/05/2017 07:33

The same was said to me OP, i miscarried last year, when i announced i was pregnant this time one friend said to me, i hope ur going to take it easy this time so you don't miscarry again. People are clueless and insensitive. You did nothing wrong.

kaytee87 · 09/05/2017 07:34

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Yanbu and saying that is imo a way of blaming the women. They're idiots.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 09/05/2017 07:36

Yanbu. Although when I had heavy bleeding with dd and they thought I was losing her, my GP advised bed rest. She basically said they couldn't do anything if I was mc but if I did take bed rest, at least I would feel like I had done everything I could. I sort of got what she meant.

I think people always want to offer a practical solution even if it doesn't actually work Confused and ignore the fact that in circs like this, it it spectacularly insensitive.

Rossigigi · 09/05/2017 07:37

I'm so sorry for your lossFlowers
There would have been nothing you could do, if it was going to happen it would happen, nothing you have done or not done.
As for resting afterwards, that is your decision and how you feel
You can best deal with it. Take care.

haveacupoftea · 09/05/2017 07:37

YANBU. Pregnancies usually fail because the embryo wasn't viable, not because of anything the mother did. And another thing, who are these people who can just take endless rest for 40 weeks? In the real word everyone slogs on through pregnancy. Some pregnancies make it and some don't. I hope you get your baby soon OP Flowers

HumpHumpWhale · 09/05/2017 07:39

My doctor explicitly told me that resting would make no difference when I was miscarrying, so i should do what I wanted. It wasn't your fault, you couldn't have prevented it and people are shits for suggesting that you could, even if they didn't really mean it.

honeylulu · 09/05/2017 07:52

I blame soap operas where people only seem to miscarry after falling down stairs, off horses etc.
I've had several (but also two healthy children) and none were anything to do with rest or lack of (auto immune condition). If anyone had said this to me if have been furious.
I also got told by various busybodies that I should not exercise during pregnancy. I ran and did circuit training until six months and then pilates with my last, successful pregnancy. My midwife and consultant said if I felt up to it just carry on as it would help keep me fit and well for labour and post birth recovery. They said the only reason to stop would be a) after an amnio/ or b) after a diagnosis of incompetent cervix. This didn't stop people "telling me off" though.
So sorry for your experience OP. Be kind to yourself and good luck for the future.

JustHappy3 · 09/05/2017 07:56

Resting wouldn't have helped save your baby. I sat still on a hospital bed for 3 days and still lost the baby in the end.

The only thing i'd say is now the busy work week is over to give yourself a little me time. Or if it hits you later on when you are not expecting it then don't beat yourself up about it.
But people react to miscarriage (their own one) in different ways - there's no right way to deal with it.
There are a lot of wrong ways that other people try to help. Sorry you got those.

Laiste · 09/05/2017 08:00

several people have said to me that I should have rested more before and during the miscarriage, both in an attempt to prevent it and to help my body recover.

Flowers OP

To suggest rest as an aid to 'healing' just after/during a miscarriage has some merit, obviously. When your body is going through a painful, stressful event it probably would be better to take some time out.

However, to suggest rest would have stopped the mc is both incorrect and more importantly a nasty guilt trippy thing to say. Ignore.

Littlecaf · 09/05/2017 08:04

My DM once told me that when she miscarried 30 years ago, the doctors advised bedrest to prevent it. Obviously it didn't work. When I thought it was happening to me, she said to rest, not because it would prevent but because she wanted me to look after myself, maybe that's what your friends meant? Misguided perhaps but maybe just trying to be kind?

Best of luck Flowers

Chinnygirl · 09/05/2017 08:10

It really doesn't matter. There are so many pregnant women in war torn countries or women who have running as a hobby that exercise or (physical or mental) stress really can't cause a miscarriage. I doubt that putting your feet up for an hour would have helped.

Most of the time there is something genetically wrong with the embryo and the body recognised this and rejected it. Maybe if it would have been born anyway it might have felt terribly sick and miserable or in pain before it died. Although it is very sad for you (I know from experience) your body has probably prevented a lot of suffering for your baby. Maybe letting it go was the most loving act in this circumstance. Thankfully the choice is made for us and we don't have to decide.

It is still the loss of your baby though, take your time to grieve. I hope that you will have another pregnancy that will end in good news. Flowers

notanevilstepmother · 09/05/2017 08:23

Reading between the lines here, I think maybe people are worried about you. I'm not a doctor so I don't know if it would have helped or not, but if any of my friends miscarried on Monday and came into work on strong painkillers on Wednesday I'd be telling them to go home and not come back until they didn't need painkillers. I'd say the same for other injuries or illness as well. If work can't manage without you then they should have better contingency plans.

TinyTear · 09/05/2017 08:24

you did not cause your miscarriage and resting would not have helped - unless for cervical weakness and bed rest...

I had 5 miscarriages in total, and my first daughter was actually the one where after ovulation/conception I did zumba classes and 3 parkruns... I then eased off after BFP a bit, but still went for 10k walks when pregnant...

good luck for the future

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/05/2017 08:26
Flowers I am sorry for your loss.

Women have been told to 'go home and put your feet up' for years wrt miscarriage.
There is nothing that can be done so I suppose the medical profession have said to make women feel like that are at least trying?

I got quizzed by a group of older women (my age now) when I had a mc at 26. 'What were you doing?', 'Did you go out dancing?' etc.

People are generally trying to be kind but some are insensitive twats who should keep their mouth shut.

theclick · 09/05/2017 08:27

Are you Indian?

In my first trimester this was the advice of both mum's. Ooh rest! You must! Funnily enough my MIL discarded the advice when the washing up needed doing, a task she hates.

SquatBetty · 09/05/2017 08:29

I'm sorry OP, people are such thick dumbarses sometimes. Nothing would have prevented your miscarriages. I've had two myself and think I would have had some choice words if anyone had said similar to me.

Dulra · 09/05/2017 08:30

No I don't think resting can prevent an early miscarriage I think it may just prevent heavy bleeding but not the miscarriage itself. In later pregnancy bed rest is advised if early labour is likely but that's completely different.

So sorry for your loss mind yourself it's tough xx

Staypuff · 09/05/2017 08:51

Yanbu. Tell them to Fuck off with their shitty advice that is untrue.

I said this on another thread. Advice how not to miscarry just makes you feel like you did something wrong to miscarry in the first place.

I had plenty of 'you should work less and you should eat this comments' all of which just made me feel blamed when nothing was going to heal my poor ill baby.