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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to follow our routine?

87 replies

RatherBeHappyThanDignified · 08/05/2017 21:08

MIL looks after DS a couple of days a week but has very different ideas about how to look after a baby to mine and DH. She's said on numerous occasions things like "you can't force a baby to go to sleep!", "if they want you to do something you just have to do it!", "never wake a sleeping baby!" and the like. DH and I both work full time, so have had a somewhat flexible routine for DS since he was about 6 months. Although she rarely says anything explicit, I can tell she disapproves of this. She thinks that I should just let DS sleep whenever he falls asleep but the difference is that she was a STAHM when her kids were very young so had that option.

Anyway, when she looks after DS she seems to make the effort to actually put him down for a nap and not wait until he just physically falls asleep but she has huge problems with waking him up. DH had to actually ring her the other day to tell her to wake him up as it was late in the day and she went on and on about how much she hated it. It makes me feel like we're forcing her to be cruel.

AIBU to just want the baby to not be asleep past 4pm so that he's happy at bedtime and likely to sleep through? I don't want to be ungrateful as her looking after him is a great help to us but AIBU to think that if she's going to then she ought to just follow our rules and stop complaining?

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 08/05/2017 21:10

I think you need to think very carefully about your attitude to another adult.

NavyandWhite · 08/05/2017 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 08/05/2017 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CassandraAusten · 08/05/2017 21:12

Is she providing free childcare or do you pay her? If it's free and you are reassured that he is safe and happy with her, YABU.

Sirzy · 08/05/2017 21:12

Well used paid for childcare then? Although even then most won't be able/willing to follow a routine to the letter.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 08/05/2017 21:12

Get a childminder - she's doing you a favour by looking after your kid multiple times a week, I get you want to control the way she is with him but since she's not a professional you're hiring you can't say too much.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/05/2017 21:14

I'm confused. Do you want him to have routine or not?

You said she wants him to sleep when he wants to sleep but then said she put him down for a nap.

Sylvannas · 08/05/2017 21:15

Routine is important. If her actions are badly affecting his night sleeping then I would insist on his routine being followed.

You can insist on his routine and still show your gratitude for her having him. They aren't mutually exclusive.

BackforGood · 08/05/2017 21:17

Yes, YABU. Either you trust her to look after your dc or not.
Youve chosen to use someone who has different ideas from yourself about looking after a small baby, and then you are surprised they are doing things differently . Why is that a surprise to you? You have to choose a care giver who either thi ks exactly the same as you do, or is prepared to try to follow your ideas, because that is what you are paying them for.

ollieplimsoles · 08/05/2017 21:22

We are the same as you op, we try to get dd down for a nap before a certain time so she's ready for bed by a decent time (this is important as I work in the evenings)

However, my mum takes her one day a week and its no holes barred, I don't mind when she goes to sleep, my mum is the one with her for the day and doing me a massive favour looking after her, a later bedtime is a small price to pay.

I think you need to let her get on with it tbh.

HaPPy8 · 08/05/2017 21:22

YABU and ungrateful. If you are going to use her for childcare you need to allow her to do what works for her when she is doing you this huge favour.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/05/2017 21:24

I find it confusing. You say you are flexible but criticise her for believing he should be allowed to sleep whenever he falls asleep, isn't that being flexible? Or do you actually have a strict routine? I think asking her to wake him at 4 is reasonable but give her some flexibility as it's got to work for her too. For example if he has two sleeps one in the morning and one in the afternoon for a total of about 2 hrs you could tell her that you like him to have a morning and an afternoon sleep and be awake by 4 and let her decide when. People who say that if you haven't paid you have no right to expect her to follow your rules are wrong of course grandparents should follow the parents expectations as long as they are reasonable but you will make life easier for yourselves if you accept that she does certain things her own way. Choose your battles and remember how much your son is getting out of being with his grandparents in the day even if he is a little out of routine.

Allthewaves · 08/05/2017 21:27

i'd be cross if she wasn't waking him before 4pm. Last thing i want is to come in from work and be up and down all night because she refused to wake him

coldcanary · 08/05/2017 21:27

Nursery. Seriously, this won't get better and none of you feel come out of it feeling good or valued.
^ bitter experience speaking ^
None of you are doing anything wrong, she's looking after your child in the same way she's successfully raised children herself and you're in a routine that suits all of you - the fact that they don't overlap is a shame but it happens. Look at nurseries or another type of childcare because family isn't always the best idea for young babies!

Alexandra87 · 08/05/2017 21:27

My grandmother looks after my youngest when I'm at work. She puts him down for his nap at a completely different time to me as what works for her routine is different to what works for mine. I would definitely say something if she was allowing him to sleep too late though and it was affecting him going to bed on a nighttime and I know If I asked her not to let him sleep late she wouldn't. I don't pay her she would do that because she respects the fact that I am the parent

rollonthesummer · 08/05/2017 21:28

DH and I both work full time, so have had a somewhat flexible routine for DS since he was about 6 months.

Do you mean inflexible??

As always on these posts... if you don't like the way your free childcare is going, get yourself some paid childcare...

dingodon · 08/05/2017 21:31

YANBU or ungrateful. You have however gone and used family when you should have used paid childcare if you wanted a say in your child's routine.

There are grandparents out there who are happy to follow the parents of the child routine unfortunately you have one who doesn't.

Options: suck it up or get paid care

Itsnotmesothere · 08/05/2017 21:38

YABU. That is the downside of, I am assuming, unpaid childcare. She is doing you a great favour. I am sure you are aware that paying for child care is expensive but at least you get to call the shots.

happypoobum · 08/05/2017 21:39

Hmmm, I am an old gimmer and raised my DC the same way. You never wake a sleeping baby Grin

I would say if you don't like the way your free childcare operates then you had better start paying for it. Then you can call the shots.

skincarejunkie · 08/05/2017 21:44

If your DC was in a nursery, they'd follow their own routine too, not yours. It's a difficult one but I'd let her get on with it. She is kind to do it for you.

Ameliablue · 08/05/2017 21:45

I think when you have family looking after your children you have to work around their routine a bit. Waking up a sleepy toddler is hard so if it is a choice of grandparent having a hard time with lo in the day or parents having a hard time in the evenings, I generally accepted having it a bit harder in the evening than my mum having it harder in the day.

yourhandfitswithmine · 08/05/2017 21:49

My little boy goes to both DM and MIL so I can work. I know for a FACT my mum doesn't follow my routine, doesn't put him down for naps etc but to be honest he's fine, he's adapted and he loves it there! Also she's providing me free childcare so I can work and I'm grateful and trust her to look after him in her own way. If you fixate on this it'll create issues. It's hard but try to relax a little.

diddl · 08/05/2017 21:51

" I don't want to be ungrateful "

Well don't be then!

If what she does doesn't work for you then find an alternative.

Does she really want to do it or is she finding it difficult?

I have to say that I'd be making it as easy as possible on myself if I was looking after a youngster for a couple of days a week.

Nicemil1 · 08/05/2017 21:53

mmm ofsted would take a very dim view of waking a baby and although I did do this as a cm it wasn't something I would tell an inspector snd all the nurseries I know wouldn't wake a sleeper either.

However I feel your pain op I never let mine sleep past 4 and have my granddaughter 2 days a week and don't let her either.

Still tired very carefully as if my dil/ds started criticising and nit picking my care I would withdraw my labour Wink

She's saving you a shed load of cash op so suck it up or stump up

Nicemil1 · 08/05/2017 21:55

And again nurseries and cms are explicitly told to follow the child's natural sleep patterns not the parents instructions.