AIBU to expect MIL to follow our routine?

[RatherBeHappyThanDignified]

MIL looks after DS a couple of days a week but has very different ideas about how to look after a baby to mine and DH. She's said on numerous occasions things like "you can't force a baby to go to sleep!", "if they want you to do something you just have to do it!", "never wake a sleeping baby!" and the like. DH and I both work full time, so have had a somewhat flexible routine for DS since he was about 6 months. Although she rarely says anything explicit, I can tell she disapproves of this. She thinks that I should just let DS sleep whenever he falls asleep but the difference is that she was a STAHM when her kids were very young so had that option.

Anyway, when she looks after DS she seems to make the effort to actually put him down for a nap and not wait until he just physically falls asleep but she has huge problems with waking him up. DH had to actually ring her the other day to tell her to wake him up as it was late in the day and she went on and on about how much she hated it. It makes me feel like we're forcing her to be cruel.

AIBU to just want the baby to not be asleep past 4pm so that he's happy at bedtime and likely to sleep through? I don't want to be ungrateful as her looking after him is a great help to us but AIBU to think that if she's going to then she ought to just follow our rules and stop complaining?

I await the mils post

I've looked after my grandson since he was very tiny, originally to give my daughter a break and latterly for her to work.
I'm surprised at some of the comments here and I wonder if my daughter ever had any issues re me looking after him. I'll ask her later if she's had any problems and not said. I'd be very upset if she had.

OP, I think you are getting an unfairly hard time here.

Just because a GP is doing childminding for free does not mean they should ignore what parents want.

If the issue here was a food allergy or medication, would PPs say 'suck it up because you're being ungrateful'? Pfft.

IME the only way you'll get DGM to appreciate why late afternoon naps are a bad idea for your DC is to let her look after your DC for a whole week 24/7.

If she has to deal with late nights with a tantrummy overtired or sleep refusing ultra alert baby, she'll then be telling you that when she raised children they did as they were told / never cried at all / were perfect angels ... and she can find out for herself why messing up a routine in the space of just a few hours is a crap thing to do. My ILs changed their tune on my DCs sleep habits when they experienced just one evening trying to do a bedtime after ignoring instructions. (That said, they are no longer really asked to childmind for more than a few hours at a time.)

Good luck, OP.

I am a gran who cares for my gs 2 days a week, from 6am-4pm. He is 18 months old.

I do all i can to slot in with the parents wishes, including nap times. The latest he should sleep is 2pm for 30 minutes or so, but we struggle at times..... If we take him somewhere - a petting farm for example, the odds are he will fall asleep in the car on the way home and totally screw up his napping times. To be honest, i must admit, i think 'sod it'. I could sit at home with him all day and take him nowhere and adhere to the prescribed naptimes, but i do like to do things with him. I believe the enrichment of a variety of activities can only benefit him.

However, i am lucky in that i get (no overt) opposition to this from his parents.

I am up at 4:30am on those two days and in bed by 8pm, so would be severely pissed off if there ever was complaints.

If you object to the way they care for your child, pay for childcare.

If you change to nursery, check their policy. A friend had issues with a nursery not waking her 2 yo who would then be up til midnight, and need a nap the day, from which they wouldn't wake him...
I followed my child minders routine when mine were at that stage. She woke them to take them on school run. When dc2 needed waking earlier, she did that. Flexible and friendly.

A nursery isn't going to to stick to your routine either, because they have other children to consider.

Not all childminders will do exactly what you want either, because they may have their own routine that differs from yours.

I must admit that I don't like waking a sleeping baby either.

At one point my DC did 3 days at nursery and 2 at the childminder. I'm sure both had different routines, but I didn't notice a huge difference.

YABU. I think the general rule is not to wake a sleeping baby. You can ask a nursery to do it but I'm not sure they would oblige. A child minder may be more accommodating but if he/she has other children to care for then sleep would have to fit in with the other children too. The only way to ensure your child's sleep patterns are 100% to your liking is to put your child to sleep and wake them up yourself.

Leave her to it and be thankful.

I spoke to my daughter and she said if she had any issues with me looking after him she'd tell me, which I'm pleased about.
The only thing we've disagreed about is the subject of reins. She isn't keen but when he's with me he's wearing them. He's faster than a racing greyhound, he's not my child and I'm not as quick or nimble as I once was. She understands that and with discussion everyone knows where they stand.
I used to have to wake him up as she didn't want him sleeping too long in the afternoon, it was about the only time I could get a decent cuddle as the rest of the time her was charging around like a maniac!
I guess really you need to have a proper sit down chat with her, with your other half there to back you up. It would be a shame if your child missed out on that special grandma time. When my gs goes to school I'll be devastated!

My parents were brilliant with childcare when mine were young and that help, meaning that I could easily continue my career, is the single most important reason that we're comfortably placed now dc are teens. However, they made it very clear that they would care for DC their wayvand I could take it or leave it. I took it and it turns out they really did know what they were doing. In most cases their way was the best way.

I can see this from both sides. Your MIL is doing you a favour by caring for your child while you're at working as she is saving you a fortune, you know he is with someone he knows and who loves him and is well looked after but all of those bonuses come with the downside that you don't have any real control over how she looks after him whereas if he were in a professional setting you would have a lot more say in things. As you're working full time you really need a decent nights sleep, I think if I were in your position I would cut down granny days and put him in a nursery for 3 out of 5. That way MIL still gets to spend time with him and he gets the best of both worlds.