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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to follow our routine?

87 replies

RatherBeHappyThanDignified · 08/05/2017 21:08

MIL looks after DS a couple of days a week but has very different ideas about how to look after a baby to mine and DH. She's said on numerous occasions things like "you can't force a baby to go to sleep!", "if they want you to do something you just have to do it!", "never wake a sleeping baby!" and the like. DH and I both work full time, so have had a somewhat flexible routine for DS since he was about 6 months. Although she rarely says anything explicit, I can tell she disapproves of this. She thinks that I should just let DS sleep whenever he falls asleep but the difference is that she was a STAHM when her kids were very young so had that option.

Anyway, when she looks after DS she seems to make the effort to actually put him down for a nap and not wait until he just physically falls asleep but she has huge problems with waking him up. DH had to actually ring her the other day to tell her to wake him up as it was late in the day and she went on and on about how much she hated it. It makes me feel like we're forcing her to be cruel.

AIBU to just want the baby to not be asleep past 4pm so that he's happy at bedtime and likely to sleep through? I don't want to be ungrateful as her looking after him is a great help to us but AIBU to think that if she's going to then she ought to just follow our rules and stop complaining?

OP posts:
user1492970817 · 08/05/2017 21:57

I care for my GD's for 3 hours 3 days a week after school,and do try to follow the rules laid down by my DD, but sometimes I can be a bit too soft with them.

WilburIsSomePig · 08/05/2017 21:57

all the nurseries I know wouldn't wake a sleeper either.

At our old nursery the 2 year olds were all asleep for an hour max, then they were gently woken up. I was quite happy with that, I didn't want him sleeping all afternoon.

MrsDustyBusty · 08/05/2017 22:00

I'm the opposite. I don't want my child woken if she's sleeping. Being cared for outside the home is stressful enough without lacking sleep too.

Oysterbabe · 08/05/2017 22:00

I agree with her to be honest.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/05/2017 22:00

I would have a chat with her to understand each other and try to get onto the same page. You both want the same thing, a happy boy, and I'm sure you can achieve an agreement about how she can do that.

I used to be aghast at the idea of waking a sleeping baby, I thought it cruel. Then my toddler started napping really late, then getting hysterical in the evening and being exhausted but not sleepy enough to sleep, and ended up crying herself to sleep in the evenings, it was awful to hear. I quickly understood that waking her up early from her nap was the kinder thing to do. I would talk to your mil and explain why he benefits from this. If she doesn't see him overtired in the evening she may not realise why you don't want him napping late.

However I can understand that your mil finds waking him up hard, possibly she finds it harder to comfort him if he is upset, or perhaps he gets more tired at her house and she thinks he needs more sleep there. Are there ways she can persuade him to nap earlier? I'd plan my day around my toddler having an early nap, I found that getting her to walk to playgroup rather than take the pram tired her out enough to have an earlier nap for example, I figured out where we were going every day based on her needing a 45 minute walk there for a good month!

If you are otherwise happy with her care I would carry on the arrangement, I wouldn't end it over this.

Quartz2208 · 08/05/2017 22:01

I think the issue is that in order to make your list fe easier you are making hers harder. Sometimes children wake up easily sometimes it's a lot harder and stressful. In effect you are asking her to put her and your child through that to make it easier, you are asking her to be cruel as she may not find it as easy to calm him down.

It's a tough stage transitioning out of naps

Sunshineandlaughter · 08/05/2017 22:01

How old is your mil? Has it ever occurred to you she's exhausted looking after him so often and after all that effort of getting him to sleep might just want to make the most of him sleeping to have a cup of tea etc!!

Sunshineandlaughter · 08/05/2017 22:02

Second the pp advice that you are actually being a bit selfish therefore and just thinking about the impact on you - not on her

user1486076969 · 08/05/2017 22:03

I am clearly a 'cruel parent'...I never let DS sleep beyond a certain time each afternoon. He subsequently always went to bed (and sleep) at 7pm, he's nearly 15 now and doesn't seem to have suffered as a result Grin. No doubt I will hove done wrong..................

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 22:08

Oh god, it's not too uptight to say "Don't let the baby sleep beyond 4pm or else they won't sleep at night" - I had to put in a 2:30pm rule for both of mine to get any sort of night's sleep. (And no, an extra 30 minutes in the day doesn't mean 30 minutes less sleep at night, but 3+ hours less sleep.)

But, this is a common issue for grandparent care - issues around too much or too little sleep having a negative effect on night time sleep for parents. It's hard work looking after a baby/toddler, only breaks you get in the day is when they are asleep. As a parent I would sacrifice that break for a good night's sleep, but your MIL doesn't have that incentive.

If you can afford to pay for childcare, then do that and have MIL back to being grandma. It's only going to get harder as everyone gets more tired.

Tigerblue · 08/05/2017 22:09

I totally understand why you don't want your little one to be asleep after 4pm, I was pretty much the same. However, the only say to keep DS in the routine you want is to do it yourself.

Nicemil1 · 08/05/2017 22:09

wilburis I agree that's sensible but I know a thread on here a while back where a nurserywas reported for waking a sleeping children as a routine. I agree it's mad.

My mummy mantra was no sleep after 4 but it's really up to the mil.

TheRealPooTroll · 08/05/2017 22:13

I never woke mine. If they slept late I'd put them to bed later that night. I would enjoy a bit of quality time with you lo in the evening on the days they sleep late in your position.
If your mum is waking them when they would sleep a lot longer she'll likely be dealing with cranky child all afternoon who would rather be asleep. I don't think that's fair to your mil or your lo.
If you don't like it you can always use a cm or nursery. But as others have said they aren't supposed to wake tired children to fit with their parents preferences either.

ChasedByBees · 08/05/2017 22:15

looking after him is a great help to us ... she ought to just follow our rules and stop complaining?

That last part sounds like you think you're doing her a favour.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 22:15

Tigerblue - or use a nursery or a childminder, most will fit round your routines. (Although many childminders will have to fit round doing the school run for older mindees, so your DC might well sleep later than you want in the buggy/car going to/from a school pick up, but rarely as late as 4pm)

Chickoletta · 08/05/2017 22:17

This was the reason both my DCs went to Nursery rather than using their (very willing) grandparents for childcare. With a professional childcare setting you can tell them how you want things done and expect them to follow your wishes as much as possible, if Granny's doing it for free? Not so much.

As someone very wise said on a different thread the other day, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money.

RedJubbly · 08/05/2017 22:17

I agree with your mil. I wouldn't wake a sleeping baby. If mine were woken up for any reason before they'd slept their sleep out they would simply go back to sleep or grizzle for hours.

The transition from needing an afternoon nap to not needing one isn't very long in the grand scheme of things and I'm afraid as the parent you are the one who should be doing the most of the hard work - especially as the childcare is free and you know he is in a place where he is very much loved and well cared for.

I think you are being unreasonable. And fairly fault picky if I may say so.

Leontine · 08/05/2017 22:18

I think you need to explain the reasons why you don't want him to sleep past 4pm, then move forward from there.

supermoon100 · 08/05/2017 22:18

I can't believe how many posters moan about the usually free childcare they get from parents and inlaws. If you don't like it do it yourself or pay someone else. Otherwise be gracious and grateful.

OvertiredandConfused · 08/05/2017 22:21

Having had the experience of my DM doing childcare for both my DC for two days a week I can tell you that you need to compromise or change your arrangements!

Overall, I think you need to suck it up and let her do it her way - assuming he is happy and safe. However, I do think it is reasonable to ask that she doesn't let him sleep past 4pm. Perhaps if she is left to do it her way in general she might be more receptive to that request - especially in the context that he needs to sleep at a decent time to facilitate the morning routine?

abigboydidit · 08/05/2017 22:21

I do think it depends on whether you're paying her and it's a formal childminding type agreement or not. My inlaws took our DCs once a week and would give in to their every whim! Stuffed full of sweeties and crisps - sleeping whenever suited. But it was free childcare - and they won't be around forever. I just shook off my annoyance and reminded myself how many lovely memories they would have of their days with their grandparents.

LillianGish · 08/05/2017 22:24

It's hard work looking after a baby/toddler, only breaks you get in the day is when they are asleep. As a parent I would sacrifice that break for a good night's sleep, but your MIL doesn't have that incentive This is it in a nutshell. I think YABU - especially if your MIL is providing free childcare and your DS is happy. She will have ideas about how to look after a baby - dare I say it she might know more about it than you - you've asked her to look after him so let her get on with it.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 22:25

It's definately worth trying to spell it out - I know my MIL was surprised, her 2 had always slept pretty well and an extra hour sleep in the day might mean they went to bed an hour later, but would then sleep all night. Being told an extra 30 minutes in the day or a late nap wouldn't just mean DGC going to sleep later, but then waking 2 or 3 extra times in the night, was a surprise to her. People with pretty consistant sleeping chidlren often don't get it until the true horror of fucking with the routine is explained!

But if she's really not prepared to follow a routine, then you can't make her and trying to will only ruin your relationship - longer term it might be best for everyone to pay for childcare.

PenelopeChipShop · 08/05/2017 22:27

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP! I've been there, my mum has looked after both mine while I worked and she's terrible for allowing a 5pm nap which would mean they'd be up til 10 and unsettled all night. It is exhausting when you've worked all day and don't get time to cook, clean up, sit down...

I think it's ok to say what works best for you (no sleep after x hour) and ask them to aim for that. I wouldn't go mad if it didn't happen but why not try?!

allowlsthinkalot · 08/05/2017 22:32

Hmmmm. I'm torn on this one.

You don't say how old your ds is and your routine doesn't sound very flexible. I'm trying to get past the fact that I don't agree with you however and I'm thinking that if my mum or Mil had tried to insist on a routine when I want to follow baby's sleep and hunger cues, I wouldn't have been at all happy.

People are also assuming here that the Mil is doing the op a favour and doesn't actually want to look after the grandchild. My experience is of grandparents wanting to do the childcare and not wanting the grandchildren in nursery. In which case, if they want to do childcare they do have to follow your wishes.