To think I may never work again?

[GreenHairDontCare]

I've worked all my life until a few years ago when I had a huge, awful breakdown. My MH is now the best it's been for ages but I still struggle, there are days I can't bear to leave the house and my immune system is on the floor so I get every bug going.

I'm in a great routine now of school runs, housework, plenty of time to myself and very little stress. I'm fairly sure that that's key to my continuing recovery.

Dh earns very decent money and I have no qualifications, so any job would be a minimum wage gig. I did have a brief stint as a sales manager before my crash, but as it turns out I got that job bullshitted my way into it while hypomanic and it wasn't sustainable. I have three DC and the thought of going back to the merry go round of holiday childcare and before and after school clubs leaves me absolutely gibbering. We wouldn't see any financial gain when you take everything into account. I'm also in a bit of a benefits trap in that if I get a job I'd obviously lose ESA, and then if it doesn't work out I'd have to go through the whole awful process of reapplying.

No one wants me to work, dh and the kids are very happy to have me at home (they're very happy to have me alive, frankly) but I do get the fear and guilt sometimes over being a drain on everyone. I was reading a thread earlier about a SAHM with a teenager and she got absolutely slated, and I worry that people think I'm just a lazy cunt who leeches off dh.

Should I just make peace with the fact this is how it is? Is anyone else in a similar situation and knows what I'm babbling on about?

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

You are working, of course, working to keep your family and household running. That may not be a full-on full-time job, but it is a part-time and very valuable one- and one that I struggle to achieve properly whilst working full-time. I know my meals could be more nutritious for example!

Having a happy stable mum who is in a good marriage with support for the children whilst at school (which is a stressful time for them) is a huge achievement and not one to be belittled or trivialised.

As others have said, there are also things you can do IF YOU WANT relating to volunteering or just helping out on a more informal basis- I look after other people's children every now and again and pick up the little on our patch of grass, minor things, but make the world go round a little steadier.

If you have come back from very unstable MH, the priority is to keep stable, I think you are doing the right thing, but who knows what the future holds- but please don't devalue the work you are doing right now in keeping the family going!

[PeterHouseMD]

GreenHairDontCare

Would you consider doing a course at your own pace and gaining a qualification while taking a few years out?

[museumum]

Don't worry what others think. And if you're still doing school runs then your children are obviously not grown up.

If the thread you mention is the one I think then the sahm didn't want her dh to take early retirement. I think that's what many objected to, not being a sahp.

Well in the future when your children are self sufficient and dont need holiday care your dh may tire of being the sole breadwinner and you might get a p/t job. There's absolutely no reason to write off that possibility now.

[CurlsandCurves]

Do what works for you and your family, sod what everyone else thinks.

Friend of mine struggled with MH problems for years. Through therapy and group work she worked out that full time employment was never going to do her MH any good, so she looked for part time.

If you want to work at some point then voluntary is a great way to dip your toe back into the water.

[Allfednonedead]

There is no virtue in working in and of itself. You are not a drain on society, you are an integral part of society.
You are valuable and a worthwhile human being, even before we get to the fact that you are raising your DC, which is one of the most important jobs there is.
If at some point YOU want to volunteer, retrain, or get another job for yourself, then that will be right thing to do then. For now, giving yourself healing time is the priority, and at a guess focusing on the future like this is not helpful.

[PovertyPain]

Women can't win, can we? We're made to feel like bad mothers, if we leave our children in childcare and want to/are able to work. If we stay at home, to look after the family, we're work shy and living of our husband's earnings. 😠

You need to do what's best for YOU, OP. Your health is the most important thing here and, as you say, you have a lovely husband that seems to support you emotionally. Your family want you to stay healthy and if being at home is enjoyable and comforting for you, then embrace it. I'm glad your health has improved and I hope it continues to. 💐

[UnbornMortificado]

Green I had a three year hiatus due to a breakdown. Went back to work and now signed off with pregnancy related stuff.

I get a job can make you feel like your improving somewhat but you do need to put your health and being healthy to look after your family first.

[LostPeppers]

I am in a similar situation than you. I do work but only 7 hours in the week spread over 3 days, my dcs are both secondary age.
Due to my health, atm I can't do more than that and I'm finding it really hard to accept that I can't do more than I am atm.

I know the other option for me is to work more and then spend the rest of the time sat in a chair wo moving, unable to even read a boook as I am so tired, let alone do some cooking/shopping/take th dcs to activities etc....
And I also know this is worse option for me, DH and the dcs....

Yet I still feel guilty and fearful.

So I keep reminding myself, what will happen if I'm working more than I am atm. Is that a nice thing to do to DH or the dcs?
Can I actually and realistically do more?
And what would I say if someone in a similar position would ask me the same question? Would I say they are lazy (NO!!!!), would I say they have to go back to work (NO!!!!)? I would tell them to rest and look after themselves first.
I suspect you would too.
Agina, that helps me putting things into perspective an realising that I am taking the best decision for me and my family.

[thesandwich]

You can contribute beyond the family in many ways- have a look at the do- it website for volunteering ideas- or perhaps look at futurelearn or learn direct for free on line courses? Helping inschool is really valuable, and will become more so as budgets are cut. Good luck!

[LovelyBath77]

Hi Green,

Yes I really understand where you're coming from as in a similar position as well. I had a psychotic episode a few years ago and get symptoms with stress and also have a life threatening physical condition which needs management as well. I'm also on cont based ESA (yours will be the same I think as DH is earning). I also claim PIP as well, and have a care plan with activities such as routines, the gym, swimming, yoga that sort of thing which the PIP helps fund. (PIP is aware of this).

Anyway just wanted to say I understand, I think some of DH's family just think I'm not working and possibly lazy but they don;t really get it, so I try not to worry about what they think. I'm quite well qualified (postgraduate level) and it is hard giving up that and I too would be at a minimum wage type job possibly with support if I was ever to go back. They have put me in the Support group - Risk, are you in that too? Kind thoughts you're not alone.

[Mombie2016]

GreenHair are you me? We sound very similar. Have you had a look at Open Uni? They have a lot of cheap or free with funding courses that are very low stress. The Open Learn website is fab too. I find it helps keep me ticking over and feeling productive with minimal stress. I'm also the most stable I've been in a long time but that's due to a nice routine low(ish) stress (my DC are 8 6 and 1)

[LovelyBath77]

I try and remind myself that I'm doing a good job by staying as stable as possible, taking the meds (have to stay on them forever now), managing things for the DCs and DH... could well have not got through some of the health things in the past so they are lucky to have me at all really. and focusing on the small important things, letting go of the guilt. HTH, a bit x

[FizzyGreenWater]

Gosh, don't be so hard on yourself!

You've been ILL, for a start. And being SAHM to 3 school age children with presumably no cleaner, gardener etc is quite different to that Other Thread!

It's pretty clear to me that you will end up going back into earning at some point, as things change and the children get older, as you clearly want to. But right now it sounds like you're fully busy with being part of team with your DH to manage life and your young family.

As for contributing - you've answered your own question, and it's exactly the answer that means so many folk opt for SAHP when they have multiple children of primary age and younger. Add up the cost of childcare, travel etc. and unless you're a high earner, it makes financial sense for someone to stay home AND it makes for a far easier life in many ways. You are 'earning' just as much if not more than you would if you were out working - as the family finances are stronger because you are currently doing what you are doing. Of course you are contributing! In a sense, you're sacrificing more than your DH at this point because you're organising your time in a way that ultimately puts you at a disadvantage career-wise.

[NeverEverEver]

I've found volunteering suits me perfectly for my stage in life (different situation to yours but some parallels). I get out, I work school hours, I have things to contribute to family conversations and when I don't feel up to it, it's not a big problem as my workplace is grateful for my help when I'm there. Be gentle with yourself.

[Firstwomanonthemoon]

I am shortly planning on giving up work for the second time as part of a relocation, I don't have any health issues, I am just not going to work outside the home as I will be focusing on supporting the family for the next year or so. I am not sure that it really matters that my work is based on my post grad qualification, for me work should only ever be part of your life. This is what is going to work for our family, I really don't care what others think about this. My DH and kids are happy with this. The most important thing is that you look after your health. Every family is different and if this works for you for you I really wouldn't worry. Later on you may want to make different choices and set your life differently but if it works for now don't stress about it.

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

Green, the most important thing is that you stay well. Your health matters more than any job especially while your DC are still young.

[FeralBeryl]

Green your family is your priority - along with your mental health.
You make your choices for those reasons and fuck what anyone thinks. If it's a sustainable option for your family then go for it.

I do think you'll feel better as someone else so eloquently put it, don't close the door on the idea yet, just shelve it for now.

[deranger01]

i read the other thread and this doesn't sound remotely like that. Just focus on staying even, I don't think you should feel guilty or over-infer from harsh comments on mumsnet. Down the road, I agree with others that you should think of something you can do part-time, that you really want to do and gives you a psychological pay-off. For me that might be working with children or animals, for example.

Your DH just sounds worried, I'm sure he'd rather not risk you getting poorly again for the sake of a few £, I would only worry if you felt unfulfilled because it mattered to you at some point. If your family is happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?

[LovelyBath77]

I'm going to look back on this thread when feeling bad as think it is really helpful.

[FacelikeaBagofHammers]

Do you enjoy study? Would you consider doing an Open University course from home in something you enjoy so down the road, if things did improve for you, you'd have the qualifications already?

[Intransige]

No matter how kindly he meant it, saying you're not cut out for work isn't helpful. You're recovering from a major health issue, and what you do right now isn't what you will necessarily do forever.

Work is good for all sorts of reasons that aren't related to the money - it provides structure to life, it can stretch your comfort zone and help you grow, it can give you a network of people to spend time with, etc.

None of those things are about being worthwhile as a person, because you definitely don't need paid work to validate your existence. In any case, not all work is paid, such as bringing up your own children.

Retail jobs are stressful and difficult in ways not aligned to the salary, and not a good benchmark for what you could do and happily handle. I have a well-paid complex job that really stretches me, but I struggled with (and was very bad at) retail jobs.

So if I were you I wouldn't write off any future options. Just focus on yourself for now and get fully well, then talk to people about what you could explore. Friends and family often have surprising insights into your strengths that you might not be able to see yourself.

[QuiteQuietly]

Consider that most jobs are pointless. They add nothing or little to the world apart from giving you some cash - often not much after childcare and other "costs of working". So if you don't urgently require that cash right now, and that potential working time can be better spent looking after your health, supporting your family, occassionally being useful at school, then not working at the moment is an entirely sane and rational choice. Things may change in future. You don't know what will happen. You can only do what is best right now.

Working for money is not the redemptive cure-all that many would have us believe. The government would love us to all be "hard-working families", but it is not necessarily in all our best interests.

[user1493022461]

I was reading a thread earlier about a SAHM with a teenager and she got absolutely slated

That poster got slated because she has one older teenager, household staff, treats her husband like a walking cash machine, denies him any affection or respect, and refuses to even think of making changes even though she easily could.

[FeralBeryl]

What's the other thread User149? Can't see it anywhere.

[UnbornMortificado]

Being a SAHM mam to two kids and juggling poor MH is hard enough never mind 3.

Like I said I'm off now for pregnancy issues at the minute but when the baby comes between that and all the kids drop off and pick ups, housework and trying to keep myself stable (DH works full time) I would really struggle to go back even 16 hours.

I feel I don't have enough hours in the day to get things done as it is lately.