To think I may never work again?

[GreenHairDontCare]

I've worked all my life until a few years ago when I had a huge, awful breakdown. My MH is now the best it's been for ages but I still struggle, there are days I can't bear to leave the house and my immune system is on the floor so I get every bug going.

I'm in a great routine now of school runs, housework, plenty of time to myself and very little stress. I'm fairly sure that that's key to my continuing recovery.

Dh earns very decent money and I have no qualifications, so any job would be a minimum wage gig. I did have a brief stint as a sales manager before my crash, but as it turns out I got that job bullshitted my way into it while hypomanic and it wasn't sustainable. I have three DC and the thought of going back to the merry go round of holiday childcare and before and after school clubs leaves me absolutely gibbering. We wouldn't see any financial gain when you take everything into account. I'm also in a bit of a benefits trap in that if I get a job I'd obviously lose ESA, and then if it doesn't work out I'd have to go through the whole awful process of reapplying.

No one wants me to work, dh and the kids are very happy to have me at home (they're very happy to have me alive, frankly) but I do get the fear and guilt sometimes over being a drain on everyone. I was reading a thread earlier about a SAHM with a teenager and she got absolutely slated, and I worry that people think I'm just a lazy cunt who leeches off dh.

Should I just make peace with the fact this is how it is? Is anyone else in a similar situation and knows what I'm babbling on about?

[withouttea]

I feel for you. I have had a really tough few years with MH issues, and I've not worked FT for 4 years. Not worked at all really for a year or two. I had a professional career before (which I could not cope with as my MH declined).

My DH (second husband of only three years, although we've been together five years) has been utterly fantastic. He works from home and earns enough to keep us and DH in comfy circumstances. He really couldn't have been more supportive or kinder. He just wants me to be well & happy.

Part of my journey has been to learn that I have value just by being. I don't have to 'earn' my place by doing anything or earning money. This is not what I was taught growing up - love was 'earned' in my family. So that's been challenging (and interesting).

Funnily enough a hobby of mine has now turned into a very small business and I'm beginning to earn some money from that. (Yeay!) and that feels good, and is gentle and fun. It had the time to grow without pressure.

And I feel a lot better now having given myself the time to get better and I would really suggest you are kind and gentle with yourself. 💐

[Thinkingofausername1]

Hi op
I understand how you feel. I have a long term health a issue and because of so many appointments and how draining they are; it's just not possible for me to work. I'm going through the letting go' stage at the moment and trying to accept that I won't ever be a successful; attractive and motivated woman I wanted to be. As long as we can be there for our family that's the main thing x

[Tomsdottir]

I'm curious about your question. You say, "No-one wants you to work." Isn't it more accurate to say that no-one wants you to do a terrible stressful low paid job just for the sake of trying to prove something to all the haters out there who are always looking for someone to judge?" It doesn't matter what other people want so much: what do YOU want?
If you are getting ESA, you can do "permitted work" that is work of up to (that is less than) 16 hours a week earning £120 or less without losing your benefit. The idea is that people on ESA are not put off trying out work because they are worried about losing their benefit. You can read more about this on the Disability Rights UK or Turn2us website.
Some people really do benefit from staying at home and have tremendously supportive and rich home lives: going out to work would destroy their recovery. Others benefit from getting out and about and doing a bit of work to get back into the wider world more regularly: staying at home erodes their confidence in their ability to work and they acquire habits of helplessness. There's no hard and fast rule - it's what's best for you that counts. Before you even thought about going out to work I hope you would talk to your GP. I had a friend who was bipolar who wasn't able to work for 40 years and she had a very rich, happy life with her family and friends. She was a single parent on benefits, so didn't have a lot of money, but she got by. She had been a hospital nurse in her youth, but was in NO WAY able to work any longer. So what - she was one of the kindliest, loveliest gentlest women I ever knew.
As for all those haters - the only way to make some people happy is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

[deranger01]

Also, my mum hasn't worked outside the house in nearly 40 years, but she's lived a worthwhile life, she's got a huge pool of adoring grandkids that she's spent a lot of time with, cared for elderly parents and her own dc. You can't say that's not a life worth living just because she didn't shuffle off and bring in money they didn't need after we went to school. I think she had maybe 8 years of having kids al at school before she became a granny.

[UnbornMortificado]

Being a SAHM mam to two kids and juggling poor MH is hard enough never mind 3.

Like I said I'm off now for pregnancy issues at the minute but when the baby comes between that and all the kids drop off and pick ups, housework and trying to keep myself stable (DH works full time) I would really struggle to go back even 16 hours.

I feel I don't have enough hours in the day to get things done as it is lately.

[FeralBeryl]

What's the other thread User149? Can't see it anywhere.

[user1493022461]

I was reading a thread earlier about a SAHM with a teenager and she got absolutely slated

That poster got slated because she has one older teenager, household staff, treats her husband like a walking cash machine, denies him any affection or respect, and refuses to even think of making changes even though she easily could.

[QuiteQuietly]

Consider that most jobs are pointless. They add nothing or little to the world apart from giving you some cash - often not much after childcare and other "costs of working". So if you don't urgently require that cash right now, and that potential working time can be better spent looking after your health, supporting your family, occassionally being useful at school, then not working at the moment is an entirely sane and rational choice. Things may change in future. You don't know what will happen. You can only do what is best right now.

Working for money is not the redemptive cure-all that many would have us believe. The government would love us to all be "hard-working families", but it is not necessarily in all our best interests.

[Intransige]

No matter how kindly he meant it, saying you're not cut out for work isn't helpful. You're recovering from a major health issue, and what you do right now isn't what you will necessarily do forever.

Work is good for all sorts of reasons that aren't related to the money - it provides structure to life, it can stretch your comfort zone and help you grow, it can give you a network of people to spend time with, etc.

None of those things are about being worthwhile as a person, because you definitely don't need paid work to validate your existence. In any case, not all work is paid, such as bringing up your own children.

Retail jobs are stressful and difficult in ways not aligned to the salary, and not a good benchmark for what you could do and happily handle. I have a well-paid complex job that really stretches me, but I struggled with (and was very bad at) retail jobs.

So if I were you I wouldn't write off any future options. Just focus on yourself for now and get fully well, then talk to people about what you could explore. Friends and family often have surprising insights into your strengths that you might not be able to see yourself.

[FacelikeaBagofHammers]

Do you enjoy study? Would you consider doing an Open University course from home in something you enjoy so down the road, if things did improve for you, you'd have the qualifications already?

[LovelyBath77]

I'm going to look back on this thread when feeling bad as think it is really helpful.

[deranger01]

i read the other thread and this doesn't sound remotely like that. Just focus on staying even, I don't think you should feel guilty or over-infer from harsh comments on mumsnet. Down the road, I agree with others that you should think of something you can do part-time, that you really want to do and gives you a psychological pay-off. For me that might be working with children or animals, for example.

Your DH just sounds worried, I'm sure he'd rather not risk you getting poorly again for the sake of a few £, I would only worry if you felt unfulfilled because it mattered to you at some point. If your family is happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?

[FeralBeryl]

Green your family is your priority - along with your mental health.
You make your choices for those reasons and fuck what anyone thinks. If it's a sustainable option for your family then go for it.

I do think you'll feel better as someone else so eloquently put it, don't close the door on the idea yet, just shelve it for now.

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

Green, the most important thing is that you stay well. Your health matters more than any job especially while your DC are still young.

[Firstwomanonthemoon]

I am shortly planning on giving up work for the second time as part of a relocation, I don't have any health issues, I am just not going to work outside the home as I will be focusing on supporting the family for the next year or so. I am not sure that it really matters that my work is based on my post grad qualification, for me work should only ever be part of your life. This is what is going to work for our family, I really don't care what others think about this. My DH and kids are happy with this. The most important thing is that you look after your health. Every family is different and if this works for you for you I really wouldn't worry. Later on you may want to make different choices and set your life differently but if it works for now don't stress about it.

[NeverEverEver]

I've found volunteering suits me perfectly for my stage in life (different situation to yours but some parallels). I get out, I work school hours, I have things to contribute to family conversations and when I don't feel up to it, it's not a big problem as my workplace is grateful for my help when I'm there. Be gentle with yourself.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Gosh, don't be so hard on yourself!

You've been ILL, for a start. And being SAHM to 3 school age children with presumably no cleaner, gardener etc is quite different to that Other Thread!

It's pretty clear to me that you will end up going back into earning at some point, as things change and the children get older, as you clearly want to. But right now it sounds like you're fully busy with being part of team with your DH to manage life and your young family.

As for contributing - you've answered your own question, and it's exactly the answer that means so many folk opt for SAHP when they have multiple children of primary age and younger. Add up the cost of childcare, travel etc. and unless you're a high earner, it makes financial sense for someone to stay home AND it makes for a far easier life in many ways. You are 'earning' just as much if not more than you would if you were out working - as the family finances are stronger because you are currently doing what you are doing. Of course you are contributing! In a sense, you're sacrificing more than your DH at this point because you're organising your time in a way that ultimately puts you at a disadvantage career-wise.

[LovelyBath77]

I try and remind myself that I'm doing a good job by staying as stable as possible, taking the meds (have to stay on them forever now), managing things for the DCs and DH... could well have not got through some of the health things in the past so they are lucky to have me at all really. and focusing on the small important things, letting go of the guilt. HTH, a bit x

[Mombie2016]

GreenHair are you me? We sound very similar. Have you had a look at Open Uni? They have a lot of cheap or free with funding courses that are very low stress. The Open Learn website is fab too. I find it helps keep me ticking over and feeling productive with minimal stress. I'm also the most stable I've been in a long time but that's due to a nice routine low(ish) stress (my DC are 8 6 and 1)

[LovelyBath77]

Hi Green,

Yes I really understand where you're coming from as in a similar position as well. I had a psychotic episode a few years ago and get symptoms with stress and also have a life threatening physical condition which needs management as well. I'm also on cont based ESA (yours will be the same I think as DH is earning). I also claim PIP as well, and have a care plan with activities such as routines, the gym, swimming, yoga that sort of thing which the PIP helps fund. (PIP is aware of this).

Anyway just wanted to say I understand, I think some of DH's family just think I'm not working and possibly lazy but they don;t really get it, so I try not to worry about what they think. I'm quite well qualified (postgraduate level) and it is hard giving up that and I too would be at a minimum wage type job possibly with support if I was ever to go back. They have put me in the Support group - Risk, are you in that too? Kind thoughts you're not alone.

[thesandwich]

You can contribute beyond the family in many ways- have a look at the do- it website for volunteering ideas- or perhaps look at futurelearn or learn direct for free on line courses? Helping inschool is really valuable, and will become more so as budgets are cut. Good luck!

[LostPeppers]

I am in a similar situation than you. I do work but only 7 hours in the week spread over 3 days, my dcs are both secondary age.
Due to my health, atm I can't do more than that and I'm finding it really hard to accept that I can't do more than I am atm.

I know the other option for me is to work more and then spend the rest of the time sat in a chair wo moving, unable to even read a boook as I am so tired, let alone do some cooking/shopping/take th dcs to activities etc....
And I also know this is worse option for me, DH and the dcs....

Yet I still feel guilty and fearful.

So I keep reminding myself, what will happen if I'm working more than I am atm. Is that a nice thing to do to DH or the dcs?
Can I actually and realistically do more?
And what would I say if someone in a similar position would ask me the same question? Would I say they are lazy (NO!!!!), would I say they have to go back to work (NO!!!!)? I would tell them to rest and look after themselves first.
I suspect you would too.
Agina, that helps me putting things into perspective an realising that I am taking the best decision for me and my family.

[UnbornMortificado]

Green I had a three year hiatus due to a breakdown. Went back to work and now signed off with pregnancy related stuff.

I get a job can make you feel like your improving somewhat but you do need to put your health and being healthy to look after your family first.

[PovertyPain]

Women can't win, can we? We're made to feel like bad mothers, if we leave our children in childcare and want to/are able to work. If we stay at home, to look after the family, we're work shy and living of our husband's earnings. 😠

You need to do what's best for YOU, OP. Your health is the most important thing here and, as you say, you have a lovely husband that seems to support you emotionally. Your family want you to stay healthy and if being at home is enjoyable and comforting for you, then embrace it. I'm glad your health has improved and I hope it continues to. 💐

[Allfednonedead]

There is no virtue in working in and of itself. You are not a drain on society, you are an integral part of society.
You are valuable and a worthwhile human being, even before we get to the fact that you are raising your DC, which is one of the most important jobs there is.
If at some point YOU want to volunteer, retrain, or get another job for yourself, then that will be right thing to do then. For now, giving yourself healing time is the priority, and at a guess focusing on the future like this is not helpful.