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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't sleep, more of a WWYD

58 replies

Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 03:43

I was seeing a married man with two children when I was 16. It all ended badly which resulted in him returning to his wife and me being very bitter about the way he blamed me entirely afterwards.

This was 20 years ago. I commented on a friends post regarding the Soham murders and the sister of the wife has replied to my comment on there basically dragging up the past and comparing me to Ian Huntley in that I was manipulative to her sister etc, saying that now I have a husband and kids she hopes I go through what her sister did....

I've now got a family of my own and I feel sick at the thought of that being on Facebook. It was totally unprovoked and I haven't yet responded to it. I've never spoken to her sister before, this is the first communication in 20 years.

WWYD? I don't know whether to reply to it or not or just leave it?

OP posts:
BenjaminLinus · 08/05/2017 03:47

Or delete it. That's the third option and the one I would do.

Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 03:48

I could delete my comment but she's replied not directly to my comment, so if I delete it hers still remains. She uses my name in the comment so it's obvious she is talking about me

OP posts:
HeyCat · 08/05/2017 03:53

How about replying:

"What a strange comment (tag her). We've never spoken, and you are talking about events 20 years ago (when I was 16!) that you weren't involved in. I don't think you know the full picture, but I'm not going to rake up the past on Facebook. Whatever your opinion of me, it's pretty low for you to hope that me and my children are hurt."

That feels like a dignified, calm response, makes clear you're not accepting what she says but you're not getting into a slanging match.

Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 04:00

Do you think I should write that on the comment or just private message her? I'm so worried it's all going to kick off on there and I don't want my family reading it

OP posts:
Bubblesagain · 08/05/2017 04:04

She's clearly spoiling for a fight if she commented that, is just leave it and block her, it's not like she clearly won't apologise for that comment to you she will probably just kick off

Bubblesagain · 08/05/2017 04:05

(And ask your friend to delete her comment if you want to explaining to your friend why 20+ years and don't want family seeing type thing)

BeeThirtythree · 08/05/2017 04:07

Agree with heycat Just a short, non engaging and civil response and leave it at that...no matter what she then puts. Or just ignore it completely, if you don't give her the satisfaction of replying...she can't make further comments and prolong it. As difficult as it is to ignore, try that...if there is further comment then respond.
If she has not tagged you/only named you then leave her be. You have moved on,leave her in the past!

Peanutbutterrules · 08/05/2017 04:14

I'd delete my comment, then block and put it out of your mind.

Anyone says anything, just be dismissive of it - 'well...I'm sure nobody what's their teenage mistakes raked over - let's change the subject'.

Silverdream · 08/05/2017 04:16

I wouldn't reply. That will cause a response and bring the thread up again.
Block her. This will stop her seeing anything you post or are tagged in in the future.
Let it disappear.
You could private message her first saying. It was 20 years ago. It's something I wish never happened. I was 16 and unaware of the impact of what he and I were doing. There were two people involved in it. He was in control of his actions, decided what he wanted to do and was prepared to have the relationship despite being married and having children. I wish I knew then what I know now but I didn't.
But this could start it up again.
Report and block I believe is all you can do. Screen shot her comment in case you need the evidence.

Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 04:18

No one has commented on it or "liked" her comment yet but I feel its only a matter of time as she posted it at midnight and I've only just seen it as I woke up to check the time and saw she had commented.

OP posts:
pollyglot · 08/05/2017 04:55

You were a child, he was the adult. A few months earlier, and it would have been statutory rape. It reflects a great deal worse on him than on you. A reasoned response, as above, then block her.

PrimeraVez · 08/05/2017 04:58

Honestly I would just delete your comment and block her. If you reply then she will probably reply and it will become something much bigger than it needs to be. I wouldn't think anymore of it.

Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 05:06

It's not seen like that in our town though polly he was seen as the hero for going back to his wife whilst I was branded a slag/slut/homewrecker for years. I married my DH when I was 24 and for years afterwards I still got called names on Facebook. He blamed me of course - said I had handed myself to him on a plate. I thought it had all been put in the past but obviously not

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/05/2017 05:31

don't respond, just block her. how awful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2017 05:46

Do not message her. Do not comment. Try to get her comment taken down. You were a manipulated child. He was a married adult. I was taken in by a man living with someone, whose partner turned out to be pregnant. Once I was involved, the lure was too deep. Because I was a confused and unhappy girl. He was quickly onto his next conquest I imagine as he stood me up a couple of weeks later and that was it. Hold your head up high.

lorelairoryemily · 08/05/2017 05:51

Have you reported the comment? Facebook might take it down for you but even if not don't reply to her, delete your comment and even if people see hers they might just be confused!

GloriaV · 08/05/2017 06:20

I'm not on facebook but I wonder if it matters if 'it all comes out'. Perhaps if your family found out they wouldn't really care (20 yrs ago!!!) and then you wouldn't have this fear and they couldn't hold this over you.

Views that women (even at 16!!!) can seduce innocent married men and lure them away have changed and I doubt he'd get much sympathy - even in a very gossipy town. And if I was the wife I'd not want it dragged up on fb. Ignore is probably best.

StealthPolarBear · 08/05/2017 06:27

I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have been statutory rape!
Op is repot ting it to Facebook an option?

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 06:28

How old was he? I'd get your friend onside, see if she'll delete it if it builds into a bunfight. If she will, reply to the comment that she might not want to drag up the fact that twenty years ago BIL cheated on his wife with a schoolgirl. That you were very young and he should have known better.

MarcelineTheVampire · 08/05/2017 06:55

Perhaps message the friend whose post it is asking her to delete the comment? Just say, that you are concerned that your family might see and that this would hurt them.

In regards to him, you were 16 which is barely more than a child- you were manipulated by an older married man. I find it disgusting that he got away with treating his wife and a young girl so appallingly. Urgh.

Please try not to worry- these days, I doubt he would get much sympathy.

Brittbugs80 · 08/05/2017 07:32

Delete and block her. Replying will engage her into a response and it will no doubt escalate from there, dragging everyone into it. We've all done things when younger that were a bit daft and don't deserve them being dragged up. Move on with your life, it's your last and doesn't define who you are now x

Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 07:34

He was 30 at the time. I had just left school and started my first job and he was working there. He seduced me by telling me what a fantastic life we would have together, took me away to nice hotels, bought me presents. I fell in love with him, he said he would leave his wife. Then the IT bloke (who had had asked me on a date and I said no) at work found some emails on the server between us and sent them to his wife as he was also the IT guy at the company she worked for. She gave him an ultimatum either me or the kids and he chose the kids and entirely blamed me saying I handed it to him on a plate and he was having a midlife crisis and was a result of him turning 30. I was beaten up in the streets, constantly bullied on Facebook for years afterwards. Even now certain people in town still hate the sight of me because of what happened 20 years ago. I'm happily married to a lovely DH with beautiful DC's and the thought of this rearing its ugly head again is all too much to bare

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolitabonita · 08/05/2017 07:36

I've messaged my friend and asked her to delete the entire thread in the hope it will just go away

OP posts:
SilverdaleGlen · 08/05/2017 07:36

Just delete your comment and block. If she's holding a grudge after 20yrs there's no shouting sense into her and everyone else will just wade in and treat it like online entertainment.

It's meaningless, you were 16, he was what? Imagine that with your kids, who would you blame?

It is NEVER worth the emotional energy, delete your comment which if she's replied directly should delete hers, and forget it.

YellowCrocus · 08/05/2017 07:41

Delete your comment, report her comment, block her and do not reply or engage with her in any way. Don't give it any traction. Maybe stay off Facebook for a while. What sad little lives people lead that they have the time and energy to harass others this way.

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