WIBU to ask you for a completely selfish handhold, re: organising SILs Baby shower whilst struggling with fertility

[FlamingoPrincess1212]

So, uber fertile sil never wanted kids, and accidentally got pregnant. (This is her second and she's expecting twins!)
All fine I'm mega pleased, I do actually love her, but I'll admit I've been trying to keep a little more distance for my own mental health.
But recently I've been tasked with organising a baby shower I disagree with these weird grabby americanisms anyway but that's not why I am here and I don't know if I can do it.
This will be her 2nd and 3rd accidental child in the time that DH and I have been having regular deliberate unprotected sex, and if I'm honest it hurts.
Furthermore,
Her friends are flakey as hell, so family will be a big part of the core guest list, meaning I'll have to stay all day in a very baby focused environment.
Organising this party is a very blatant reminder that I am not pregnant and I feel like I'm failing as a woman. I feel like I'm not a real woman.
DH isn't on the same page when it comes to envy and others children, and manages to not get so upset by it all, and he really wants SIl to have the "party she deserves after a shitty year" so he's being a bit clueless here imo.
I know I can't say anything, and I can't refuse, I know it would be selfish to do anything but go ahead and organise and attend the shower and that I can't make DSils big day about me.
But could I please ask you all for a little hand hold, so I don't feel so alone, like a little less of a failure as a woman, and like less of an awful friend/sil.
thanks

I mean this gently but I don't think it's necessarily brave to do something that will cause you pain in order to appease other people. I think the brave thing to do is to say no! These people clearly have no respect or consideration for the OP's feelings and it is difficult to say no to people like that, but you have to do it or they will just carry on stomping all over your feelings.

Just my two cents. Anyway, I hope you survived the lunch, OP, and it wasn't as bad as you feared. Please take care of yourself and remember there is nothing selfish about doing it.

Wot AnotherEmma said.

You have been a star to d as much as you have. You (and DH) have help them at your own expense, when you are already going through a lot. Next time they ask, please learn and repeat after me I'm sorry I can't do that. Rinse and repeat.

Please get thm used to it before they start asking you to babysit. Very un-MN hugs to you tim to be good to yourself. Being relaxed must be better for your own life.

I mean this gently but I don't think it's necessarily brave to do something that will cause you pain in order to appease other people. I think the brave thing to do is to say no! These people clearly have no respect or consideration for the OP's feelings and it is difficult to say no to people like that, but you have to do it or they will just carry on stomping all over your feelings

I agree.

Morning all.
Thanks for all your help, I had a very long chat with sil after her party (which she absolutely loved by the way!) thank god and explained to her my previous and future absences. And set clear boundaries on what I felt I could or couldn't do! She was amazing. And both her and mil are really sorting themselves out with regard to me and DH.

Never say never to babysitting too. I have dGodc 1-2 days a week aged 7 and 3.5 and I love it. But dgc 1 was a massive part of my life before, and I had only just come off the pill at dgc 2s arrival. So I wasn't so troubled by mums and babies back then. (Plus their Mum is incredible and kind and empathetic and really clued up on how I'm feeling)

Anyway.
Just wanted to let you all know it was a resounding success and sil and I are on better terms. And I'm sure DH will be canonised any minute after suddenly having an epiphany regarding infertility, buying me lillies, running me a bath, talking through adoption and cooking dinner.

Onwards and upwards mumsnet
Thanks for everything
Happy Monday!

Superb news!! You rock!!

Just RTFT and you sound lovely and very gracious. I'm glad you set some boundaries.

Wonderful update! Well done for being honest with your SIL and I'm glad she was receptive. Glad your DH is finally being more supportive too.

*Imamouseduh
*
Baby showers are for the first baby only, so why is this even happening?

Exactly what I was going to say. Who on earth had a baby shower for every child!!?

UPDATE
Hello everyone, thanks for all your support with this.
I just wanted to take the time to let you know SILs DS, my gorgeous nephew, arrived at 11.45 this morning, and is bloody gorgeous.

ALSO, AFTER BASICALLY GIVING UP, WITH BABIES AND DECIDING I DIDN'T NEED ONE TO HAVE A FAMILY.

I FOUND OUT ABOUT TEN DAYS AGO IM FIVE WEEKS PREGNANT!!!

I've a history of chemicals and don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm booked into see the midwife the week after next and have an early scan booked for 8w2d.
I don't know what it was, but your support was simply incredible.

Thank you all.

This is the best news. Ever.

Wishing you all the best and sending big hugs your way X

Great news. So happy for you 😊

Lovely news - I've just read the whole thread - what a lovely person you are, so I'm so pleased to read your update. As someone who is infertile with a sister who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat, I know the path you've been on. Congratulations x

Ah, congratulations!!

Congratulations.
Did your SIL lose one of the twins?

Didn't you say at the start that your SIL was expecting twins?

I got pregnant (after 2 years of trying) after getting really upset that my sister was pregnant (I was happy for her, but so upset that it wasn't happening for us), so maybe the depth of feeling causes some kind of hormone boost.

Yep! Boy, girl twins. I don't know what happened to last nights update.
I was sure I posted last night when she had given birth to Her DD at about 1155, saying she was having issues with DS and that I was really worried about her and deeply regretted ever being mean or jealous.

Apologies for my incorrectly ordered posts, but niece arrived last night, sil had several complications, and nephew arrived this morning. All is perfect in our family.

So glad everything is ok, and congratulations to you!

So does she have twins born on different days?!

Oh you know she might! I didn't even register that at all rachie that's really novel! She might've been 1205, but I'm pretty sure it was 1155!
I will ask.
Poor sil, 2 birthdays on consecutive days!

Quite special though, twins with different birthdays!!

My SIL was struggling to conceive and didn't feel up to coming to my baby shower. Obviously I wanted her there but was very grateful that she felt she could say no and talk to me about it. I didn't mind one bit as her emotional health was worth more then a couple of hours party and I knew how happy she was for us too.

If I was in your situation I would maybe see if anyone else can help with the organisation so it's not all on you. I would also have a good cry the night before, and have something lovely his for you planned for after.

It's ok that this hurts, it doesn't mean your not happy for them too. Xxx

12 hours between their births?! How did they let her go that long?

Congratulations to your sil. But most of all, congratulations to you. The biggest, heartiest congrats I can muster 🌸🌺🌹🌷💐🌾🎋

I've honestly got no idea how it works, I know they thought that she might have to have a CSection, and that Nephew was born in his sac?
Also niece was head first and nephew was breech?

Both early so my guess is that that dn2 just wasn't ready?
But I've got no medical knowledge to back this up and I don't feel like now is a fantastic time to ask sil a lot of questions though! 😂

So happy for you x x x p.s have the biggest baby shower and let someone else arrange it!!!!!

Just done a quick Google and one set of twins were born a week apart, and another 2 weeks, from what I gather they try and keep babies from being born if they're v. Early.
But again no medical knowledge, and google isn't the most reliable.

I'm sure I'll find out all the ins and outs of her labour just in time to leave me terrified about my own anyway!