Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask you for a completely selfish handhold, re: organising SILs Baby shower whilst struggling with fertility

104 replies

FlamingoPrincess1212 · 07/05/2017 21:40

So, uber fertile sil never wanted kids, and accidentally got pregnant. (This is her second and she's expecting twins!)
All fine I'm mega pleased, I do actually love her, but I'll admit I've been trying to keep a little more distance for my own mental health.
But recently I've been tasked with organising a baby shower I disagree with these weird grabby americanisms anyway but that's not why I am here and I don't know if I can do it.
This will be her 2nd and 3rd accidental child in the time that DH and I have been having regular deliberate unprotected sex, and if I'm honest it hurts.
Furthermore,
Her friends are flakey as hell, so family will be a big part of the core guest list, meaning I'll have to stay all day in a very baby focused environment.
Organising this party is a very blatant reminder that I am not pregnant and I feel like I'm failing as a woman. I feel like I'm not a real woman.
DH isn't on the same page when it comes to envy and others children, and manages to not get so upset by it all, and he really wants SIl to have the "party she deserves after a shitty year" so he's being a bit clueless here imo.
I know I can't say anything, and I can't refuse, I know it would be selfish to do anything but go ahead and organise and attend the shower and that I can't make DSils big day about me.
But could I please ask you all for a little hand hold, so I don't feel so alone, like a little less of a failure as a woman, and like less of an awful friend/sil.
Flowers thanks

OP posts:
selsigfach · 08/05/2017 09:12

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Not your family, not your problem. As above, they don't give a shit about your feelings - I've found this attitude to be common amongst those women who fall pregnant just by their husband sneezing at them.

Greyponcho · 08/05/2017 09:18

I'm also in the "fuck those selfish idiots" and that's putting it politely camp.
She knows it's upsetting, anyone with half a brain would know it's upsetting. She knows how it upsets YOU. And yet they still expect ask it if you?! ShockConfused
Tell them to hire a sodding hall.
And no, it's not just 6 hours of upset for you, it's all the weeks of planning beforehand that'll drive you crazy especially with her flakey friends.
Maybe say you don't know the friends well enough to get them to toe the line and contribute?

GrimmDays · 08/05/2017 09:21

Personally I wouldn't dream of asking someone I knew to have issues ttc to have anything to do with something like this. It's utterly selfish.

I would have to decline personally. I would try and attend to support my loved one but no way would I organise it. Why can't mil do it? Your DH can help if it's so important to him.

Cloudhopping · 08/05/2017 09:25

If I was your SIL I would want you to be honest and would be really upset if you were going through with organising something like this whilst feeling as you do. I would have a quiet chat with your SIL and tell her that you are really happy for her etc etc but you feel you can't be a part of organising the baby shower and the reasons for this. If she is a decent, normal person, she will understand.

HeddaGarbled · 08/05/2017 09:26

I think they are being more than insensitive - I think they are being cruel.

NameChange30 · 08/05/2017 09:28

For the love of God! Who asked you to organise it?

Asking a woman struggling with infertility to organise a baby shower takes the fucking biscuit.

JUST SAY NO. You can say it nicely, but say no.

Whoever asked you can bloody well organise it themselves.

5BlueHydrangea · 08/05/2017 09:32

The problem with infertility is people who have never experienced it don't have a clue. I conceived my first very easily (well, unplanned!). My sister on the other hand struggled for years with no hint of a pregnancy, and never did have a child. I sympathised of course but didn't really 'get it' Subsequently I have suffered for 6 years with secondary infertility and it hurts so much! I now really understand some of the pain she went through, tests, procedures etc but particularly the psychological side too.
Your SIL and family seem very insensitive and clueless, but then so are a lot of people. If I were you I would tell them bluntly how much it hurts you when you are struggling so much yourself. In fact maybe your dh could tell them? Maybe then you will get a bit of compassion rather than selfishness from them.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/05/2017 09:33

Op big hugs and Flowers

I can't believe anyone would be so insensitive as to force this on you because they can't be arsed to host essentially. What a load of shit.

I would tell your DH it's too much. Let him deal with it. If they get stroppy about it it just shows their true colours.

On the other side - if you've been ttc for a while have you seen your gp? Mine was very helpful and referred me on to hospital. Sorry can't help more. Take care

Iamastonished · 08/05/2017 09:38

If MIL is so desperate for this baby shower to happen then she can organise it. You need to put your big girl pants on and just tell them you aren't able to do it, end of.

cingolimama · 08/05/2017 09:44

NO!!! As pp have said, absolutely not!

You sound a kind and generous-hearted person, OP, but you don't need to be a martyr here. You actually need to take care of your own self. Please just say no. Text or email might be easier to do than face to face (where these insensitive idiots might wear you down).

Also, who has a baby shower for a second child? They are just about tolerable for a first baby, but beyond crass for subsequent births!

Imamouseduh · 08/05/2017 09:47

Baby showers are for the first baby only, so why is this even happening?

WaitingYetAgain · 08/05/2017 10:01

As Greyponcho said, it's not just six hours, is it? It's all the planning, the day, the clearing up...

They can be nasty all they want, can't they see how inappropriate they are being for expecting you to do this? It's crass!

As PP said, I would never dream of asking another person to do this for me if they were going through such fertility issues. It would not even cross my mind.

The fact they have not only done that but have also said those things about your house/have that attitude to your property shows they are using you as a party organiser with a party hosting sized space! Confused That makes it even worse, in my opinion.

It's at times like this that it helps to just not give two hoots what others think. If they want to spend six months being mean, then that says a lot about them and their continued lack of empathy for you and your DH's situation.

Epipgab · 08/05/2017 10:07

No, don't do it! They have no right to pile on the guilt when you are going through such a difficult time. They can hire a hall and do it themselves.

I would also suggest avoiding the event completely (and why does it have to last six hours??) or if you must, just going for a short time and having an escape planned. If anyone wants to sit there making catty remarks, that is their problem not yours. If you happen to hear a pointed comment change the subject or remember something you were about to do (I must go and talk to X / refill the water jug / find out when the train goes).

bastardlyandmutley · 08/05/2017 12:49

Don't go and don't give it a second thought. Look after your feelings because in my experience of infertility nobody else will (as your ILs are proving already).

I wish you all the very best in your TTC journey.

DPotter · 08/05/2017 13:55

So they just want your house as a venue ? That would have push me over the edge, with or without infertility issues - how entitled can you get?
Its not just 6 hours of sadness vs 6 months of condemnation - they are pushing you around. I'm willing to bet they expect you to toe the party line of other things as well. Do yourself a big favour, hold your head up high and say No - I'm not the right person at this moment in time to arrange this party. Then when they set the date, book a lovely holiday with your DH so you're not even in the country.

NameChange30 · 08/05/2017 14:01

I think the key issue here is that your DH should be supporting you on this and he isn't. His family can only push you around if he lets them.

As people often say on here, you have a DH problem, not just an in-laws problem.

Chloe84 · 08/05/2017 14:04

No way would I tell someone struggling with infertility that I'm accidentally pregnant.

As for DH, he sounds spectacularly insensitive for wanting to give his sis a great party at the expense of your feelings.

Don't give in to any of them.

Tell them you will probably burst in to tears again, on the day of the party, so it's best that someone else organises it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2017 14:36

What a bunch of witches.

You're a grown woman and no one can make you do anything. I'd expect more from your DH but as others have said, if he wants her to have a party he can fucking organise it for her.

Bat it away, it's naff all to do with you really is it, she's being a twat and even people who like this sort of thing never have showers for subsequent pregnancies. It's a party. Anyone can organise it but you BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE AND PLENTY OF OTHER NICER THINGS TO DO AND BETTER PEOPLE TO SPEND YOUR TIME WITH.

I'm livid on your behalf. As soon as you find out when they're planning it, book the weekend away, either with your DH if he pulls his head out of his arse, or with a lovely friend or family member. Do something nice for yourself.

Cutesbabasmummy · 08/05/2017 14:49

YANBU. My SIL (who I love) came over with BIL waving their scan photos when they knew we were going to have ivf. I was actually taking the drugs for our first cycle and felt very emotional anyway. I said that I was very happy for them but explained that also I was as jealous as hell. I couldn't bring myself to see her at all until our second round worked which was 5 months later. Id get someone else to do it OP , its like rubbing salt in an open cut.

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 15:41

Why are you concerned for the sensitivities of selfish people who don't give a crap about your feelings? Pointless to care about them or their opinions. Don't do it, have something better to do on the day and stop caring about the opinions of people who don't care for yours, they aren't important. Put yourself first. Nobody else will.

Original poster
FlamingoPrincess1212 · 08/05/2017 16:00

Thanks all.
I sent a message saying if there's nowhere else we can have it, why not all go for dinner at the local brewers fayre, lovely garden, kid friendly, no ones got to clear up, good value etc etc. A few said yes so I booked a table.
I was flamed.
And now DHs cousins are flipping out because they thought we were organising it together and are livid.

Ffs I should've just said "no!" read as fuck off baby showers are shit anyway

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 08/05/2017 16:14

Ok
Cancel the booking
Send them all a group message and say you're very sorry that you've take them up wrong on what they wanted, have cancelled the booking and will now bow out of any organising.

They're insensitive fuckers who are only using you for a venue Angry this is not fertile vs infertile, it's just another case of selfish twats being unreasonable.

NameChange30 · 08/05/2017 16:20

YY cancel the booking and tell them all to fuck off that you're not organising it.

Epipgab · 08/05/2017 16:25

Or just go to Brewers Fayre with the nice ones Smile The others have ruled themselves out.

RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 16:26

Cancel and message everyone saying the cousins are in charge now so it's up to them to do the work!