WIBU to ask you for a completely selfish handhold, re: organising SILs Baby shower whilst struggling with fertility

[FlamingoPrincess1212]

So, uber fertile sil never wanted kids, and accidentally got pregnant. (This is her second and she's expecting twins!)
All fine I'm mega pleased, I do actually love her, but I'll admit I've been trying to keep a little more distance for my own mental health.
But recently I've been tasked with organising a baby shower I disagree with these weird grabby americanisms anyway but that's not why I am here and I don't know if I can do it.
This will be her 2nd and 3rd accidental child in the time that DH and I have been having regular deliberate unprotected sex, and if I'm honest it hurts.
Furthermore,
Her friends are flakey as hell, so family will be a big part of the core guest list, meaning I'll have to stay all day in a very baby focused environment.
Organising this party is a very blatant reminder that I am not pregnant and I feel like I'm failing as a woman. I feel like I'm not a real woman.
DH isn't on the same page when it comes to envy and others children, and manages to not get so upset by it all, and he really wants SIl to have the "party she deserves after a shitty year" so he's being a bit clueless here imo.
I know I can't say anything, and I can't refuse, I know it would be selfish to do anything but go ahead and organise and attend the shower and that I can't make DSils big day about me.
But could I please ask you all for a little hand hold, so I don't feel so alone, like a little less of a failure as a woman, and like less of an awful friend/sil.
thanks

Type hand it over to the cousins completely.

I'd let the cousins get on with it! Sounds like they'd be a nightmare to organise anything with at the best of times!

Why are you ringing booking tables etc?! It's obviously causing you misery and they are being nothing but insensitive arseholes. Send a message saying due to personal reasons you aren't organising or attending. Problem solved! If your DH or her fuckwit cousins want her to have an amazing party let them fucking sort it out

Please grow a pair and bow out, and ask the cousins to organise it.

Thanks all.
DH and I had to go and see Sil today to turn off her stopcock because she couldn't reach it.
She then wanted to show us her new double to single travel System and her funky cossatto stroller, and them show us that her kiddy lunafix lies flat for spinal support. groan
we had to see the "second nursery" and she spent twenty minutes showing me organic cotton baby bedding and Muslins for BF.
She's so excited, and believe me I'm excited too. But it was way too much.
And Mil and her sister (DPs aunt) were were there and DAunt started telling H to "get a move on with the bubs, toy and flamingo will not be young forever."
We left in some haste
It's so hard I don't even think I want to go to the party.
They've all got a table at a big standard family friendly pub chain near Bicester. I'll drop the cake, balloons and banners an hour before and put everything up and I'll pop back just before the end if anything, I've been keeping Next door neighbour company whilst her husband has been deployed as she's suffered from PND and was infertile for some years before her DD was born, so might just say I'm busy.

Today was a rough day Mumsnet. But I did it with my big girl pants on.
I was kind and brave and strong, I acted with grace, and I can do this.
I might just need a little support from you ladies.

I made a bit of a fool of myself when we found out about her pregnancy with DN1, by just bursting into tears at the Announcement whilst sat at a Toby carvery over our puddings!

I've been right there too and got that particular t shirt!

You're doing very well. Keep on backing away from this until you can just put up the balloons and pop in for an hour at the end.

No one really gets the stress on infertility until they've been there themselves. I count myself among them as until i experienced it i didn't get it either. Be kind to yourself OP. Chin up, smile stuck on and do what it takes to protect yourself and get through and never feel guilty for feeling all sorts of feelings. It's natural.

You're a better woman than me OP. I could not do it. I would just hide until it was all over. Your SIL and those other family members who commented on having babies ASAP are amazingly insensitive. I literally would gawp at them open mouthed and respond: "are you for real?"

Is it just me or does everyone have "one of those aunts" or in my case, one of DPs uncles who always ask those stupid, inappropriate want to punch them in the mouth whilst in floods of tears because they don't know shit about how desperately you do want your own and can't conceive questions?

You are a much braver lady than me OP

I got to the point where I refused point blank to do anything baby related and if friends didn't understand they could fuck off. They were getting their happy ending and had lots of other people to share it with, I didn't need to be one of them.

When I eventuality conceived I didn't do any of this baby shower shit and kept my news sharing and excitement to those who wouldn't be hurt by it.

for you x

as already mentioned above, baby showers are for the first baby!

OP.

Hugs FlamingoPrincess1212. Your SIL and family are being incredibly self-centered and insensitive about all this. Be busy for the party and if they make a single peep about it tell them from the whole of mumsnet to FTFO. Bastards

You don't have to be brave and strong and selfless for everyone all the time. You don't.

If MIL wants to organise it; let her. If DH is so bothered; let him. If SIL's friends are bothered; they can. If the cousins are; they can. Stop facilitating this group of selfish, insensitive, work-shy, flakey arseholes.

I'm really angry for you, can you tell?

do they know your TTC? you are doing amazing and sound really lovely. well done.

Tell the insufferable cowbags to arrange it themselves! Bloody nerve they have - they only want you involved because they want to use your house. Cancel the table, leave it to the 'cousins'..you have no obligation.

Table is booked for an hour and a half. DH is getting the food shop in and I've just had a bath and a cry to the cat, whilst demolishing an entire bar of lindt white chocolate. It's time to get dressed and put my big girl pants on. Any last minute encouragement would help me a lot!

I'm sure my time will come

Massive hug and from me.

You're so much braver than me. You're going to be fine. I know you will.

Get out as soon as you can. And come back here For

Thinking of you today X

Hugs hugs hugs!! You are so brave and kind doing this, and they massively don't deserve such goodness from you. If it gets overwhelming, imagine the massed hordes of mumsnet behind you. Possibly with gin, or chocolate, or pitchforks - as you prefer!

Good luck OP. And don't dare feel bad if you realise you can't do it and leave early, look after yourself and maybe have a phone call arranged for half an hour in so you have a 'something happened, have to leave, so sorry' out.

Well done. Yes keep thinking this will be me one day soon too and sil will owe you the biggest shower ever!!

They really are being selfish Pillocks. Look after yourself today, they really don't deserve you.

Good luck OP. You can always leave if it gets too much.

Just wanted to add that I am sure your time will come though it doesn't make the here and now easier.

After my D 2 were born I commented to my DS who was pregnant how nice it would be them to have a cousin so close in age and she replied that she and her DH had been about to ttc but had stopped when they heard we needed ivf and had restarted when I was pregnant, it is just one of the many reasons I love her so much. You should reasonably expect more from your family if not that much.

big hug op

I actually want to cry with how brave you are being. I'm ttc now and this would break me. Super big hand hold