To ask for tips on how to cope with dh and his mess?

[Sickofthemess]

There's 4 of us living in a 2 bed house. Me, dh, and 2 children one being a toddler. Dh and I are both working too.

We are quite tightly packed into our house despite me always having clear outs and trying my best to keep on top of things. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and move to a bigger place, but it's taking time and besides, although we'd have a third bedroom, we won't really have more space as such because our 2 bed is quite spacious and we have good storage here.

Me and dh have different ideas I guess about how we want to live and it's driving me mad. It's difficult because he probably does pull his weight in different ways, but we have different ideas and priorities.

For example dh leaves stuff lying around everywhere constantly, his paperwork, jumpers, receipts, bits of tools from work, if he gets anything out he never puts it back and our toddler is into everything. He blames his messiness on our house, but I don't see how us living in a 3 bed will make him put sellotape and scissors back.

He'd never ever think to clean anything like the bathroom, the fridge or wash the windows or change the bedding. If he wipes the kitchen worktpps he just goes over the middle bit and leaves all the crumbs and bits under the toaster and round the edges. Say he unloads the shopping, he won't clear out the fridge first or put older dates at the front, he will just cram it all in any old place, raw meat on top of salad and whatever else. If he 'tidies up' he doesn't really put anything away he just piles it all up on a worktop or something.

Today I wanted to get the house straight before the week, but dh prefers to go and wash the cars. In the process he's bought loads of crap into the house and cluttered up the hallway.

I've tried to compromise and accept that we are different, it's not like he lazes about because he doesn't, we just have way different ideas about what's clean and tidy.

We've had a silly row now because I said I wanted to have a bit of a clear up. Our downstairs toilet is full, like to the brim of stuff that needs going to the skip and he's just filled the hall with crap. Told me I'm crazy and laughed in my face because according to him the house is fine and there's no point cleaning it because it just gets dirty again.

Other things are he won't throw anything away, wants to keep everything just in case. We've been clearing out before and I've chucked stuff only for him to get it back out the bin.

I'm whimpering in sympathy, OP. Mine is the same - if he can find a spare inch he will fill it with some DIY-related rubbish that never gets put away. He will cheerfully say something 'goes' on the landing or in the bathroom. My only comfort is that he works his arse off in other ways. Yours doesn't, I take it?

He does I mean he works loads of hours in quite a physical and stressful job. He does most of the bedtimes with the kids, he gets up weekends and does us all breakfasts, he's not a lazy arse, he's just a messy one.

I have similar here, just dumps his random bits where ever he is at that given moment, I accept we just have different ideas of what tidy is and have a 'crap' basket in the kitchen, hall and bedroom to dump stuff in (now full of Allen keys, paperwork, bike pump, screws, receipts, polyfiller)

I like the idea of a crap basket, I reckon dh would put his crap next to the crap basket!

We compromise. We both clean different and also declutter differently so between us we get it all done. But we agree on priorities and who's wins at what time!

"he won't clear out the fridge first or put older dates at the front, "

Yes, maybe he could consider changing his ways but it is possible to be relaxed about things like this.

I could have written this post myself. On top of what you mentioned, I'll spend hours sorting out drawers / cupboards etc and then he'll put saucepans in the plate cupboard or something similar...because it's one step nearer

Crap basket - yes! This has worked in our house. Anything not put away gets chucked in a box. Saves me being asked where things are too. How the fuck would I know anyway? I don't follow them around watching where they put things.

I hear you. Mine is a nightmare for this.

Example: he set up the ironing board in the hall the other night. Went into our bathroom to fill up the wee jug thing. Which is still sitting in our bathroom. We seem to be having an unspoken stand off about it.

Another example: will not put DDs toys or shampoo and conditioner away after her bath. Just little things like that would make such a difference to the state of this house. He says he forgets.

Leaving cupboard doors open, wtf is that?!

I understand his standard of tidyness doesn't quite match yours and he isn't being lazy per se. However, it's selfish to dump work tools in public areas or leave out scissors. Toddlers will fiddle with anything, so he needs to show some consideration there.

Ditto basic levels of hygiene like wiping work surfaces properly after preparing food.

If he has hoarderish tendencies, then perhaps get a shed where he can store some of his clutter useful things you might use?

From experience with moving house, you have to be ruthless about throwing items away. I got rid of a skipload just to make the move more manageable.

Jessie I forgot that one. He opens drawers and cupboards and just leaves them open.

I agree leaving stuff like scissors lying about is selfish and potentially dangerous. I don't think he does it on purpose. He loses his own wallet and keys every single time he leaves the house.

We have a shed and I daren't look in there. It's full, we have a bike each which we do use and they're crammed in the shed, we then have 3 old bikes leaning against the shed that he won't get rid of.

Mine is the same.

I bought him a 'man tin' the other year so I could dump his watch/bracelet/bits of screws/wallet etc in when I tidied up after the weekend. It is supposed to live om top of the cabinet in the living room.

Every fucking week he has taken it upstairs and put it on our dressing table. Why the fuck he thinks it lives upstairs I have no idea. And why he doesn't put the actual shite that is supposed to live in it first I also don't know.

He doesn't put clothes away. Or shoes. We are approaching our annual argument about the state of the shed and if I find 1 more scratty bit if paper that is vital shoved under the cereal boxes for safe keeping I will scream.

But every week he chunters about the state of my car, makes a big deal of emptying it of hoodies, ds nursery bag and wellies and my dog walking coat. And he keeps taking my washing line down because it 'looks untidy'.

He might be working away soon. I am hoping he is and wondering what I am going to do with all my time!

Literally going to purchase a man tin this week

Are you married to my husband OP? 😩

A nuclear bunker wouldn't be space enough for his crap.

I have found my people! My DH is like this. We came close to breaking up when we moved in together, I couldn't believe what a slob he was. He's not lazy, he sup at 530 every morning working (runs his own business) and is an amazing hands on dad. Doesn't even flinch when I travel alone he for pleasure or work and more than steps up to the plate. However he doesn't see mess.

My solutions: 1) we have a cleaner. 2) when he travels I clean out lots of the cupboards and wardrobes and ditch or donate stuff. In seven years he has never missed a thing!

He's got a toolbox the size of a large chest of drawers in the cupboard under the stairs, which he needs and is very important. I've never ever seen him go in it for anything in all the years since it arrived.

A garage on our next house is a must and I'm never going in it.

Jessie I found his on amazon I think! It worked really well until he took it upstairs. Fucker.

Op when dp moved in with me he brought with him a camping kit consiting of a tent, stove, 4 x sleeping bags, a cool bag, a lamp thingy and a load of other random crap.

The only place we could put it was the lovely big airing cupboard. For 7 years I balanced towels and loo rools on top of it. Pulled it all out once a year to fettle the airing cupboard. Suggested every year we give it away as I refused to go camping. It was a proper PITA.

When we moved 2 years ago I said he should sort it out. Box everything up. Find somewhere in the new shed for it.

He threw the fucking lot away. Apparently some of the tent poles were missing. The sleeping bags a bit fusty. Stove probably wouldn't work.

I very, very nearly left him at the old house for that.

And we moved out a week before we gave the keys back. He had an operation 2 days after we moved in so was in hospital when I did the final empty of the old house. I booked a skip and did 3 tip runs getting rid of the shite he had stashed in the cellar and shed. He has never asked for any of it.

Now unless it fits in the shed it doesn't get over the doorstep. And that includes the replacement camping gear he bought that has never been used and is also in the shed where I can't see it.

Sympathy OP I have one of these as well. Four tool boxes. Four. He's not a tradesman even. And piles, piles upon piles of 'important' absolute crap.

Frouby that did make me laugh.

I'm going to give the man tin a try, at least I can throw all the little random bits in one place. I should put them all in his car, I bet he'd notice them then.

OP, is your DP mine? Love my DP to bits and he's not dirty or unkempt generally but I'm fed up with sorting his paperwork, putting scissors, Allen keys, pens, his work pass, sellotape away every frigging weekend! He leaves his earplugs out, looses his cufflinks etc. He just comes in and dumps them on the kitchen counter then a week later wonders what happened to them. I sorted all of our paperwork into a filing cabinet about 3 months ago and he still leaves pension statements, bank statements, tax info in the kitchen. I don't mind if it's a couple of days but it's there for weeks until I tidy it away, then he has a moan at me for moving it! He is also incapable of cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. We have a general rule, who doesn't cook, washes up/dishwasher etc. I always go back in after 'his turn' to wipe the surface down, wash the pan properly, put the bread away, again etc etc. I'm not a particularly clean or tidy person but just a standard level of clean/tidy is good enough for me. But I find that it's me doing the nightly sweep of the house for his coffee cup, plate, the glass by the bed, putting his shoes by the front door, hanging his coat up etc.

My husband must be living a double triple quadruple life because he's married to you all!

He works so, so hard, bless him. Has built us an extension, does all the shitwork outside (mowing grass, cutting trees, putting up fences etc) and all the manual jobs inside. He gets up with the kids, cosleeps with one of the children, has let me lie in every single morning for the past seven years.

But can he stop leaving screwdrivers and tape measures on the kitchen counter? Can he fuck. Washing up? Stuff for the bin? Why, that lives next to the bin, not in it. Cleaning the bathroom? Squirt some bleach down the toilet and leave it, or course.

I've learned to live with it. I'm sure there's a lot of annoying shit I do that he never, ever mentions. He never, ever sits on his arse doing nothing so he's not lazy.

Sigh.

I could literally have typed your post word for word. No answers, just sympathy.