To ask for tips on how to cope with dh and his mess?

[Sickofthemess]

There's 4 of us living in a 2 bed house. Me, dh, and 2 children one being a toddler. Dh and I are both working too.

We are quite tightly packed into our house despite me always having clear outs and trying my best to keep on top of things. We are in the process of trying to sell our house and move to a bigger place, but it's taking time and besides, although we'd have a third bedroom, we won't really have more space as such because our 2 bed is quite spacious and we have good storage here.

Me and dh have different ideas I guess about how we want to live and it's driving me mad. It's difficult because he probably does pull his weight in different ways, but we have different ideas and priorities.

For example dh leaves stuff lying around everywhere constantly, his paperwork, jumpers, receipts, bits of tools from work, if he gets anything out he never puts it back and our toddler is into everything. He blames his messiness on our house, but I don't see how us living in a 3 bed will make him put sellotape and scissors back.

He'd never ever think to clean anything like the bathroom, the fridge or wash the windows or change the bedding. If he wipes the kitchen worktpps he just goes over the middle bit and leaves all the crumbs and bits under the toaster and round the edges. Say he unloads the shopping, he won't clear out the fridge first or put older dates at the front, he will just cram it all in any old place, raw meat on top of salad and whatever else. If he 'tidies up' he doesn't really put anything away he just piles it all up on a worktop or something.

Today I wanted to get the house straight before the week, but dh prefers to go and wash the cars. In the process he's bought loads of crap into the house and cluttered up the hallway.

I've tried to compromise and accept that we are different, it's not like he lazes about because he doesn't, we just have way different ideas about what's clean and tidy.

We've had a silly row now because I said I wanted to have a bit of a clear up. Our downstairs toilet is full, like to the brim of stuff that needs going to the skip and he's just filled the hall with crap. Told me I'm crazy and laughed in my face because according to him the house is fine and there's no point cleaning it because it just gets dirty again.

Sort out all the crap he's put in the loo/hallway and pile it up on his chair. Makes mine clear up.

Arggghhh getting the rage reading these. My OH is the same.

Can't offer any advice but my dh is the same. We live in a 2 bed with an 8 year old, 10 year old and a baby. Baby is currently in Moses basket. Cot came today but he needs to clear his crap to make room. Yesterday I asked for help tidying up. He did most of the breakfast dishes but missed a bowel, didn't do cat bowels or wipe sides down.

I'm the messy one in our relationship. I've really tried hard to limit my mess - I have some boxes I keep stuff in and I try not to leave stuff out in the bedroom as it really stresses DH.

It helps having a shelf or box that is mine that I don't have to keep tidy.

DH thinks I'm still appallingly untidy but I'm much less untidy than I'd be if I lived on my own.

This is such a fab thread. I don't know whether to laugh or cry but as ever Mumsnet has made me feel so much better just knowing my tribe are out there!

That is so annoying that your DH leaves stuff everywhere.. it takes seconds to put things back where they should go.

When I am home I will put things backs and the house is tidy and clean because I will clean and tidy as I go. But my DH is home for 30 mins and there are things on the kitchen worktop scattered everywhere. This morning I spent half an hour tidying the kitchen clutter.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PUT THINGS AWAY. Rather than putting them down put it away.

Crap baskets age brilliant and at least contain some of the 'stuff' lying around...

But if you're trying to sell??

You need to have a completely different strategy... Assuming you want to get top dollar...

With all the mess.. Assume the agents' photos reflect this mess...?
Say you need to want to sell within 12 weeks..
Pay for local storage... And pack up everything as of you're moving now... Save the absolute basics to dress the house.

Otherwise even if you get folks across the doorway they will be mentally deducting 1000s from your asking price.

My ex (note EX! ) was like this.

Open bank statement - put back in envelope - put on kitchen counter.

Find something in garage - wash it in bath - leave in bath for days (we had separate shower)

Pile dirty dishes above dishwasher and dirty pans in sink so you couldn't get to the tap.

Hundreds of examples. I also had a crawling baby so it really annoyed me and I felt like it was a crap example to set, plus wanted to bring up DC in nice home.

Those days are over and I have a nice home that I'm not totally embarrassed by when people visit!

Not that I'm recommending divorce - just sympathising!

The more things you have the more things you will need to tidy up.

If you have a lot of stuff just sell it on Shpock/gumtree/Facebook marketplace.

If your DH leaves things out just say you will bin it or sell it. If he puts it away then you won't have to sell or throw anything.

It's hard work keeping a house clean and organised especially with a toddler. Toddlers make loads of mess and clutter as it is and you have two or them with your DH.

Just start decluttering and there will be less for you to sort out

I am like this. I'm not naturally inclined to 'see' mess, it doesn't bother me, I don't mind stuff lying around. DP likes a tidy and clean house, so because I love her and want her to be happy, I've learned to be tidier. I clear my cups away. I don't leave clothes lying around.

If I can learn to be tidier, so can your DH.

I could have written this thread op, We are also stuck in a house too small for us and putting the house on the market in the next couple of weeks, DESPERATE to move its hard enough having such a messy husband let alone feeling like your stuck in a sardine can.
I can't wait to get more space and get him a large shed/garage to store all his crap.

I can't believe how many other posters also have the same problems the screws/receipts/ shoes, jumpers crap left every where!
I am training my sons to be clean and tidy so hopefully their wives won't have the same problem, He's amazing in most ways just Messy messy messy!

Mine suffers from iwasgoingto-itis.

I asked him the one day why the dining room was draped with ALL our sheets, which had been safely in the hot press. 'I was going to iron them.' But they'd been there for a week before I asked, and a week later, I folded them and put them back in the hot press (unironed).

He sets up what he needs for jobs but can't actually follow through and do them, or he'll start them but not finish them, so the place looks like crap all the time.

We moved house recently and it started out looking lovely, but it's going downhill with every week we're in it. I can't understand why he thinks it's okay to just drop things wherever.

I could actually cry thinking about it. At this stage I've stopped bothering to tidy, because he just comes along behind me destroying it again.

I didn't realise I was a man and also married to all of you.

Notapuffin, I feel your pain. If I ask him to tidy something he says he will do it in a minute, Days can pass, I can ask him multiple times its never done, I end up doing it because it drives me up the wall.

Buy a supermarket bag for life. Tidy all the crap in there. When it's full, move it to the garage & buy a new one. Repeat

Can definitely agree with not wanting to tidy because he'll just come behind and wreck it all - what's the point

My DP leaves recycling not in the recycling bin but beside the fish tank. I don't know why he puts it beside the fish tank. I have had visions of lifting his beer bottles for recycling and using them in a most violent and unpleasant manner as punishment

Good bag for life idea pancake

I remember shoving a pile of clothes that had been in corner of bedroom floor in a bin bag and chucking it in the garage. He never realised they'd gone.

I did the same with pile of post. Same.

The garage was horrendous but preferable to hoarder-style house

This is my DP ☹️ We live in a tiny 1 bed in London (no DC) and he tries his hardest to cram in every weird piece of rubbish he finds. All the space under our bed is full of his Very Important Tools. He also has the whole wardrobe for his crap. Plus some ugly shelves he put up in the hallway, and every corner in every room. I throw away what I can when he's not looking. I've been ill in bed since Friday and have just gone to get water - in the kitchen he's left out every utensil, food packet, crockery, unfinished food, on the counters - literally everything he's touched this weekend is waiting for me to clean it, throw away or put away. In the living room there are several piles of his dirty clothes. He "cleaned out" a cupboard to make room for more of his crap - everything he deemed unworthy is currently strewn across the floor. Most is packaging that he has failed to throw away previously. If anyone knows a way to reprogramme gross men please let me know.

After asking DP to put the blue ikea bag of his clothes away since January that had been dumped in various locations in the bedroom and hearing for the 15th / 16th time of saying I'll put it away this weekend, I picked it up and dumped it in the wheely bin.

Fantastic WELOVE but what happens when he can't find stuff which is in bag in garage do you tell him? Won't he get cross?

When my DH leaves loads of crap in our bedroom I will just open his side draw and throw everything in there hahaha

I just think he ain't going to sort it out so I just throw it in his side draw. Eventually he can't get anything out of his draw and then he sorts it out haha

All the other clutter he leaves around the house I will put in a filing cabinet draw in the garage.

DW used to share a house with a chap who packed saucepans back onto the cardboard boxes they came with - so there is another end to the scale.

I like to have a bit of the house that is exclusively mine, and not subject to re-organisation. In my case it is a drawer in the kitchen, and on top of my chest of drawers in the bedroom.

When we first moved in together, it took him 11 months to put his clothes in the wardrobe. They lived in a heap on the floor until then.

We've moved house now and we're four months into the floordrobe experience.

If I put the clothes away for him, he complains that I've done it wrong and turfs them all out onto the floor.

I'm sorely tempted to move out into the spare room so I don't have to see the mess.

This is my partner, to a T. We have a toddler and she keeps grabbing at dangerous things because he just leaves them lying around. I literally do not take my eyes off of her for a second. Half painted kitchen from last year, our dining room is full to the top of things that need sorting out because he cannot throw them away. Stair carpet worn out, bathroom needs replacing, kitchen sink just broke because screw wore out where it's 32 years old.. I've set a deadline. If we haven't moved by New year I'm leaving, and I'm taking our daughter. I cannot cope living like this, I don't have anyone round to visit it's such a tip & I spend my whole life cleaning just for it to look a mess! at least I know I'm not alone!