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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First lesbian date tomorrow. AIBU to say no kissing.

56 replies

user1493797837 · 07/05/2017 01:51

Finally, finally plucked up the courage to ask a woman I've liked for months out on a date.

I'm still closeted, still a little unsure of all my thoughts but I know I really really like her.

But tomorrow I just want to chat and not kiss and definitely not do anything else.

Also, she said she really likes me and is so please I asked her for a drink but wants to know why I would tell her how hot every guy in the office was and dated men while I knew her and now say I'm lesbian. Also why did I avoid her and only show an interest now. She thinks she's just an option when in fact she was always my first choice I just never understood my thought. So I'm not sure how to explain that tomorrow.

I'm very very nervous.

Would a no kissing ban be too much? Unreasonable? I want to take everything very slow.

OP posts:
MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 01:53

Kissing is just kissing. I had a lesbian date, it was so sweet as the woman was infatuated, I feel so so bad that it didn't work.

But any kind of date you make the rules. You never know how you might feel.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 07/05/2017 01:55

I would be too nervous to actually kiss. I'd rather have my first lesbian kiss in private anyway.

OP posts:
squoosh · 07/05/2017 01:55

It would be a bit weird to say 'oh and by the way there'll be no snogging tonight missy' at the outset. Go with the flow and if she tries to kiss you just gently say you'd prefer to go at a slower pace.

MyNameIsntTaken · 07/05/2017 01:56

I'm still closeted, still a little unsure of all my thoughts but I know I really really like her.
Just tell her the truth, I'm sure she'll understand. Loads of people go through this stage and can take a while to build up the courage.

No kissing isn't unreasonable. Everybody should be able to move at their own pace. This is new for you, and it's not bad to take it slowly.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 02:04

You could just have a mwah kiss at the end of the night if it goes well.

From experience, you think lads are all going to be omg lesbians, people honestly don't care or notice.

I honestly think this girl was the nicest person ever. She truly adored me and I could kick myself for being so nervous. A bit like you sound. In fact before she was to get married she tried to get in touch, if I think about it now maybe we were meant to be, although I was preoccupied with kids etc. Like it was at a time before homosexual IVF was how it is now. Back then even IVF was pretty rare.

Thank you for the memory OP, I'm sure it'll be fine, don't go with expectations, just go with the flow. If I'm honest I don't think many people would do it right in the middle of a bar, she might hold your hand. Although aren't most first dates pretty awkward anyway.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/05/2017 02:10

You are totally going to kiss her OP.Grin

squoosh · 07/05/2017 02:13

What if you said at the start that there'd be no kissing and then three hours and three gin n tonics later you were dying to move in for a snog?

Always best to keep your options open! 💋

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/05/2017 02:17

Just relax 💐

Just say you had feelings for her for a while, but you weren't 'out' and are still confused etc,

I hope you have a nice time 😊😊

scottishdiem · 07/05/2017 02:18

If you would say no kissing with a man on a first date then fair enough, thats your thing.

If you are still coming to grips with your sexuality then its up to you how you explore that but if you make it very different from any hetrosexual experiences then you make setting yourself up for some confusion.

Its ok to tell them that you are still working through how you feel but the more different you make it, ultimately, the hard it will be for you.

RedBullBlood · 07/05/2017 02:27

Your threads are very contradictory and confusing. Did you set up the counselling you said you would? Is this the right time to bring your friend into your uncertain life?

kali110 · 07/05/2017 03:08

Wow op what a turn around! I thought you weren't going to go on any dates?
I agree with red whilst i think it's fantastic that you are finally admitting to things, ( well done!) is it fair to bring this woman into when you don't even know how you feel yet? This woman clear has real feelings for you.
Have you had any counselling/got an app?

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:12

You guys must memorise the User ID's, they totally confuse me.

I'm with others, if there's a spark you'll definitely have a cheeky snog.

But some valid points, if it was a guy would you say the same?

Is it relating to circs the PP know about with reference to the counselling?

I say that as you need to go into this knowing, if she does get feelings, you're not ready, it could be devastating for both of you.

Sorry if this sounds rude, but have you been bi a long time?

DoctorTwo · 07/05/2017 03:40

Good luck OP. Of course you don't have to kiss, or do anything you're not comfortable with.

eachtigertires · 07/05/2017 03:53

Of course you don't have to if you don't want to. My DP and I didn't kiss until our 4th date and that's ok, it worked fine for us to take it easy to begin with. We are still together 3 years later.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:55

I wouldn't say though, btw no kissing on our first date. They're generally awkward anyway.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/05/2017 04:55

She's already started asking you about your sexuality and why you discussed men before? Hmm

She sounds either fucking rude or biphobic. I would run a mile. You wouldn't (I trust) be charmed by a man who quizzed you like that before a first date, so why would you accept it in a woman? Just doesn't ring true for me.

user1491572121 · 07/05/2017 05:07

Most lesbians are wary of straight women experimenting so tread carefully OP. You don't want to waste her time. Be open with the fact that you're unsure of your feelings about being a lesbian.

By the way...if you ARE a lesbian then you'd want to kiss a woman you fancied. You wouldn't be so worried about it unless you were a nervous teenager or very inexperienced anyway...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/05/2017 05:13

All sorts of people worrying about kissing on a first date (or any other date).

I'm not quite sure why that would be different for lesbians. Unless we're talking the sort of lesbians who only appear in online fiction? Perhaps we are.

justkeepswimmingg · 07/05/2017 10:15

Well done OP for setting up the date. Don't be nervous, just tell her the truth. I'm sure she will understand, and be patient with the progress of relations. If you don't tell her the truth, you may continue giving her mixed messages and she will think you're not interested. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you Flowers

Nicemil1 · 07/05/2017 10:40

Blimey well done op Flowers don't over stress it.

There are 2 'user' names very similar so that's causing confusion I think.

Ditsy1980 · 07/05/2017 10:47

I wouldn't start the date with "by the way, there'll be no kissing today" as that's just weird. And a bit presumptive that she actually wants to kiss you. im totally contrary so if someone said that to me my response would be "I wouldn't want to kiss you anyway"...
Just be honest with her. You're closeted, felt you had to talk about men to fit in or whatever but it's always her you've been interested in.
Have fun!

NavyandWhite · 07/05/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 07/05/2017 10:57

Unless your date is oblivious to normal social signals and body language, then it's unlikely she'll try to kiss you if it's not a natural and intimate situation that's mutually agreeable. Probably best not to state "no kissing", might make the date awkward (and make your date feel like you think she might lunge at you at the first given opportunity).

My advice, go with the flow, see where it takes you. You might want to kiss her at the end, you might not, whatever, the ball's in your court.

Have fun !

PeachMelba78 · 07/05/2017 21:35

How did the date go?

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 07/05/2017 21:42

Is this the OP with a religious family that would disown her for being a lesbian and there was a woman in the office who was also a lesbian?

YANBU OP, just go at the pace you want to.