Teacher's Behaviour

[eatmysocks23]

I really want to know if IABU before I write a letter of complaint.

My DD9 is at what you would call quite a hothouse school. High flyer top performer in most areas and is petrified of getting in trouble or losing those weekly point things, so in her entire school life has never been in trouble, or lost any personal belongings, missed homework..nothing.

Today after changing into PE, she realised that her uniform was not in her bag, and went to the PE office to try and look for them.

On explaining the situation, said teacher jumped down her throat and said to "get out of the office and that she did not care" and it was up to DD to have put her uniform into her bag and that no one was going to steal her uniform. The PE teachers at this school have form for lacking nature and pastoral care and have had many complaints over the years. There were also other PE teachers present. A simple, now is not the time to look for it, or wait till after school, I would imagine would have been a good reply from the teacher?

I wouldn't speak to DD this way and I wouldn't expect a teacher to. Now I know that children can be over sensitive too, but this really knocked her confidence and then her performance on the field.

We've had the chat about not taking other people's bad behaviour too seriously or personally, but from a teacher --someone they should respect and look up to, I'm not quite sure. DD is still upset over this....something that happened 8 hours ago!

So...AIBU, and how should I now approach this?

Also why would anyone object to a child doing their own washing if they are capable?

manicinsomniac I went to check with another PE teacher in the changing rooms and bags room after school and no joy.

Like I've said my DD doesn' t have form for losing things...

Call about the PE kit.
Don't go in all guns blazing about how clearly the teacher was rude to your child. You don't know what happened.

As a teacher, I'm more than happy to chat to parents if they've got questions or want to discuss another event. I'm significantly less willing to engage in future and be flexible if somebody calls up whining because "my child said and their friend was there and they wouldn't lie". It's like when students say things to us about what "mam says..." I would never ring and complain to Mam. I'd call up and explain that I had a chat with their child and they mentioned x y z and I just wanted to have a chat and check we are all on the same page.
Things get resolved much more pleasantly without going for complaints in my experience.

RhodaBorrocks did you not want to take it further regarding being forced to participate in PE with an injury?

If she doesn't have her uniform back I would be kicking up a stink about that and let the office incident come out in the wash.
Uniform isn't cheap.

RhodaBorrocks that's awful! Your poor DS!

DD is quite natured and shy. Well behaved and no bother in class. She started having an asthma attack. They still made her to PE. Sleeping lions thankfully so nothing to stressful for her. She was then left all afternoon in the quite corner reading and struggling for breathe because and I quote the teachers words here "oh I thought she was just being mardy" as I was sat on the floor giving her her inhaler and my friend was helping me hold her upright. it ended up being an ambulance job a stay in hospital and a very near admittance to PICU.

So I have no problem in believing teachers sometimes do stuff we wouldn't do. They're only human too I know but sometimes they get it wrong.

Exactly incy that's why I kicked up when DDs brand new cardigan went missing. Like I should just fork out even more money because someone else had nicked her new one. Hell no to that. (yes we'd double checked lost property).

I've got two theories....
Perhaps your dd is being bullied and they took it and hid it?
Or has she started her period, had an accident and thrown the uniform in the changing room bins or simliar?

I don't think the member of staff spoke to your dd appropriately really.
You're paying them to teach your child respect and after asking politely if her uniform had been handed in, they could have simply no sorry, you'll have to keep looking.

Do you have a contact book? if so pop a quick note in 'DD was quite upset last night, I gather there was some issue with [teachers name]?' her form teacher should be willing to look into it.

And of course stuff gets pinched at school, even at indies, I once caught a child trying to pick the name label out of DD's winter hat because they'd lost theirs!

Verbena37 i wholeheartedly agree. BTW no period...she's very open with me with everything; but bullying I can't rule out, even in a passive aggressive way that she is unaware of.

As an adult and if someone spoke to me the same way today at work, I would have the confidence to speak up and if that wasn't resolved would be getting HR involved. But a child of 9 does not have the life experiences nor should they know how to defend themselves against an adult.

When she was younger she went through a stage of having real attitude and I noticed that many of her peers were also speaking to their parents in the same way, then I heard how some (not all) the sports teachers were speaking to the children and realised that they were just picking up the lack of respect and curtness in the way they were spoken to.

We were able to work through that...and the aggression has never been totally directed to DD until today.

SparklyUnicornPoo gosh that child's gotta be pretty desperate to be picking off the name tag!

I think that I would speak to the school about the lost uniform and then mention the teacher's attitude and how it upset your Dd.

I can never understand why adults feel that they have the right to be rude to children when they would never speak to an adult that way. The only way to teach a child respect is to be respectful yourself and that teacher is setting a very bad example.

Do hope that you manage to track the uniform down and that Dd is OK.

It's lovely that you don't speak to her like that and that you have not been spoken to like that but I think most people have encountered someone (especially a PE teacher) who is a bit snappy. I dont think I would take it further but would instead teach my daughter that some people are rude and we must try to be resilient however you are right in saying you want to teach her to stand up for herself and not be walked all over so it's a tricky one and I think you need more info. Good luck with contacting the school on Monday.

Like I've said my DD doesn't have form for losing things...

I didn't have form for breaking bones as a child, until the first time I did

eatmysocks23 I gather from the child's mum that she'd lost quite a few hats by this point and at £35 a time the mum may have told her there would be all hell to pay if she lost another one.

SandyY2K that is reassuring in a way.. was your daughter ok?

Yes (this was several years ago) , but at the time she was upset enough to come home and tell me about it and (like you) I know my DD well enough to know she wouldn't lie about it. This wasn't the first time, but it was the first time she told me about it.

I have a friend who works at the school and she did tell me that TA had a habit of being snappy and rude to the pupils.

And you know what? She told me that after I complained, other staff said "about time too". They knew what she was like.

She was as nice as pie to my DD after that. Probably fake, but I wasn't fussed.

It's just not okay to speak to children like that and I really don't care if the school thought I was 'that parent', because if they spoke to any of my DC inappropriately or treated them unfairly, then I was going to speak to them about it.

I always find the key to approaching the school is to be calm, specific and let them know how the incident affected my DC and my concerns about the impact on her learning... by now being afraid to approach the teacher because of the experience.

There's no chance they can ignore that.

Whether the PE kit is found is another matter, but it's the attitude that I don't like.

Being a school governor, I'm quite supportive of teachers, but I will deal with stuff like this.

I can well believe that a PE teacher spoke to the DD like that. IME, PE teachers, especially female ones (the male ones are usually quite reasonable), do seem to think that's it okay to treat/speak to pupils in rather snotty and unreasonable ways that most regular classroom teachers would not.

I would call the office and explain that the uniform has gone missing, most likely stolen and needs to be replaced, and that when DD approached the PE teacher about it, was not treated well.

OP you don't know what the teacher said, you only know what your daughter heard

No, it's corroborated by another adult.

I think people are making comments about an independent school which aren't necessarily accurate. Someone said something about "if you send her to a hot house school what can you expect" or something similar and I think someone has just said it must be an awful school.

My DGD is at an independent school and it has been the making of her and she is thriving. However the only teacher in the school that is rude and unpleasant to the girls is the PE Teacher - she's shocking - just to look at her I can see how confrontational she is. DGD is sporty and so doesn't get too bad a time but she feels really sorry for the non sporty girls. Mind DGD took a note to school written by her mother to say she wouldn't be able to play in a Sat morning hockey match because they were doing the Run for Life and she (the teacher) made a huge fuss and was bad mouthing DGD's mother!! she said she was almost in tears bbut fortunately her friends heard the hulabaloo and came to comfort her. ALL of the other teachers are lovey and it's a very nurturing school community.

Sorry OP this is digressing - yes I think you should take this further though I imagine the PE teacher will say she was just busy at the time and the family friend may not want to get involved. If your DD is a little sensitive she may have been more upset than a more emotionally robust girl. Having said that there is no excuse for rudeness and for a teacher to speak to a pupil like that is not on.

I wonder whether the uniform has been hidden as a "joke" - the school should be taking that seriously too.

Thanks, Catrina1234. That's the thing, perhaps my DD does need to become more emotionally robust. She is naturally sporty. Plays because she enjoys it and not to win (even though she is consistently in the top teams), so I guess that fight and hunger that is necessary to be in these selective sports does not gel well with this particular teacher well.

Who takes sports seriously at 9!

who takes sports seriously at 9!

My DD did/does! When she was 9 she was in four after school clubs a week, three of which were sports related it was the only thing that kept her sane when she was going through a horrific time at school. She also had her swimming lessons every week too outside of school.

Just because you are never curt with your child (really?) that doesn't mean you can expect the same from everyone else all the time. If the PE teacher told your DD she didn't care about her kit with only the interaction you have described as the context, then she was probably being unreasonable. But I have spoken to students 'curtly' more than once when they haven't listened the first time I asked them to leave an area, or offered me excuses, or - as is quite common - been rude or defiant. You sometimes have to assert yourself as a teacher and tell students that you are not interested in what they have to say right at that moment. It is sometimes more important for them to stop talking and do as asked. Some parents seem to expect teachers to walk on eggshells around their children. I don't do that.

My son's uniform went missing during p.e once too. He had to come home in p.e kit. Nobidy bothered to help hun find it either. Someone thought it was a good joke to play on him. He never saw it again. It's not that unusual.

And one of his p.e. teachers is not very pleasant at all. Has no thought for kids well being and happily humiliates any non sporty kids.

Can I ask, you said in your OP that it knocked her confidence later on in the field, did she get a replacement PE kit?

Personally I think you and your DD are being a bit OTT about the whole thing. If my child came home and told me that story I would just write it off as the teacher being in a grump and move on.

If you and your daughter are this sensitive every time someone says something to you in a remotely negative tone you need to toughen up.

What is your family friends version of events who witnessed this?

Sorry OP, misread the post. I thought it was the PE kit that was missing.

(Wonders off to find coffee)