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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I tell my friends ds off for hurting my son?

71 replies

Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 18:28

So we were walking home and my friends son who has suspected ADHD started hitting my son he is younger than my son by a year and a bit, My son isn't very boisturous so he wouldn't retaliate, my friend was there and I was waiting for her to tell him off to remove her son but she didnt he continued to jab my son in the privates as we were walking along and then slapped him across the face REALLY hard, my friend finally said stop but that was about it she walked off and her son came back up and tried to hit my son again to which I had, had enough and said firmly Stop! He then walked off and started hitting some other children again, my friend pretty much ignored his behaviour and I was left feeling pretty pissed off, I don't see it as my place to tell off someone else's kid when they are there and so expected her to do it, he said to my son he's going to get him back tomorrow, If on the way home he does it again and I intervene if she doesn't am I wrong? I don't know what to do? What would you do?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 05/05/2017 21:29

Hi. Call the police. This is assault.
Claretta Harper-Bennett

That was incredibly random.

op obviously don't call the police, however I'd stop seeing this friend for your son's sake.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 21:30

Hers is 7 mine is almost 9

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 21:31

I think the age difference is the reason my son sees him more as annoying more than anything, when I asked if he was OK he just laughed it off and said he was annoying..

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 05/05/2017 21:33

She doesn't sound like a friend if she doesn't care about your and DS's feelings.
She hates people telling her that her child hit theirs? Tough shit, imagine the other parent and child don't like it a lot more. She's completely wiping her hands of any blame.

Just don't bother with her.

Floggingmolly · 05/05/2017 21:33

Refuse to walk home beside her until she accepts that her son is misbehaving and it's her responsibility to rein him in.
Why would you put your own ds in the firing line every day and say nothing because she doesn't want to hear it?

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 21:37

That's how I feel sarcasmMode I would never let any of my kids hurt anybody's kids I would feel so embaressed, and I would feel bad. I guess some people just don't think the way I do, I think I will take a step back from her.

OP posts:
PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 21:42

I agree with ClarettaHarperBennett. Let the police deal with it. They can provide intervention between the families and get through to the core issue.

Floggingmolly · 05/05/2017 21:44

Let the police deal with it, rather than have op open her gob and stand up for her ds?

PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 21:47

It's very hard to deal with ADHD. One of my gay friend's had a boyfriend who has ADHD, and it was literally impossible to sort out problems between them. It's a very touchy subject, and there are specialists trained in the area who are able to deal with it.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:06

Yes I do get that Phyllis she used to react to him more when he was younger, One time someone reported her to social services one morning after a very stressful morning with him where he was biting and kicking her and she was shouting at him down the school on the school run, I don't know the full details of that particular situation I just know what I saw on that day and she told me they turned up. And that she finds him extremely hard work.
I think that's why she chooses to ignore his behaviour as when she confronts him he can turn really nasty on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:11

I don't think I would achieve anything through talking to her about it she's very defensive, As I said my son doesn't mix with him at school as their playtimes are completely different and this is the first time this has ever happened.
And it won't happen again.

OP posts:
stella23 · 05/05/2017 22:13

I had a similar situation with a friend, we don't meet up with the children any more as her child was always hitting mine, but it was the fact that she never told him off that I found to be the problem.
She asked to meet up every now and then but I've just distanced myself from her

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:13

Its always good to get other peoples thoughts as I know I have become a lot more unconfident as I have got older on how to handle situations, Hearing others perspectives have helped a lot thanks all.

OP posts:
PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 22:14

I think this particular boy needs to be dealt with by trained specialists. He needs to go to a special needs school (apologies if this is not the correct standard term).

I have experience dealing with various people who are on the spectrum of all sorts of mental health and learning disabilities. They need proper help.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:15

Really Stella that's a shame, Did u ever mention to her that her kid hitting yours annoyed you and that you weren't happy with it? Or did u just distance yourself?

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 05/05/2017 22:19

I don't think I'd be able to walk with him anymore tbh if the mum does nothing. DD has a friend with ADHD who used to behave in a similar way (before he was medicated) but his mum would deal with it. I used to walk them home sometimes and I would ask him if he could keep his hands to himself or did he need to walk with me holding my hand and sometimes he would choose to walk with me because he knew he couldn't control himself. If the mum is there and won't do anything though there's no way I'd stand by and let my child be repeatedly hit.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:22

Really Phyllis we have alot worse in our school and our school just puts up with it, I know of a few occasions of children that throw chairs around the room so the rest of the class have to be taken out of the class room for their own safety and one even smashed a window in a rage whilst throwing a chair, Yet he was still at school, My child said its because he has anger problems...
Is it that there is not enough funding for these children to go to specialised schools?

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 05/05/2017 22:22

Just reading the replies. Call the police? On a 7yr old (3 years under the age of criminal responsibility) who has left no injury? I'm sure they'll be straight round Hmm

PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 22:31

@Lottie991, are you in a particular area that deals with more troublesome children? I cannot believe that children of that age would be chucking chairs, but perhaps I'm quite naïve?

Perhaps it could be that there is not enough evidence. I have a sister who has dyspraxia and she went from reception through to her last year of college without having any sort of special attention. It depends on the level of severity. Challenging behaviour is when it becomes a problem, when it becomes an issue for intervention by people who are trained specially to deal with severe cases.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:39

Really Phyllis, yes I know its unbelievable! Our school has a higher number of children from disadvantaged backgrounds other than that from other schools I can't think of anything else it differs from average schools.
When I was young I don't remember anyone being naughty at school and funny enough its the same primary school I went to when I was younger, It does make me cross some of the things I hear particularly on the odd occasion kids are chucking chairs endangering other pupils the youngest one I know which has done that is 7 years old.
I feel relieved to hear it doesn't happen every where , We are moving our kids out of the school in the next year so hopefully we can find a better one!

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 05/05/2017 22:40

Phyllis
You really do live in black and white world don't you?

Phone the police for a 7 year-old who only needs telling to stop doing it! What the hell are the police going to do?

Send him to a specialised school? Genius! Yes cos there are so many specislised schools with plenty unused spaces for kids with special needs around. There are thousands of kids with sen in schools up and down the country who need more help than they are getting but there isn't the money nor the resources to provide it.

Willow2017 · 05/05/2017 22:45

Lottie
Yes it does happen in many many schools across the country not just yours.

There just arent the resources to deal with kids like that. Schools are stuck as they cannot discriminate until something drastic happens. It's not fair on the other kids nor the kids who need support.

PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 22:46

Willow2017, that "black and white" quote is you clearly using something against me that I said to another user that is completely irrelevant to this particular case. Try to be less obvious next time.

More specialised schools have opened up the last few years, certainly since I was in education. I have a sister with dyspraxia and friends that are on the Asperger's spectrum. Since 2010, I have worked in HR for an organisation that has deals with learning disabilities & mental health problems - I think that I know what I'm talking about.

Original poster
Lottie991 · 05/05/2017 22:49

Oh that's shitty willow, Quite scary really when you look at it, how bad does it have to get before they do something? Throwing chairs around a room in a rage with kids in and smashing glass, Perhaps someone has to get hurt first, Awful really :(

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 05/05/2017 22:49

There are nowhere near enough special school places in my area. Children who aren't verbal with massive behavioural problems are being placed in mainstream schools while they wait for a specialist place because they have to be offered a place somewhere and there are no spaces in appropriate schools.