To be upset at husband inviting friend over me on work trip

[mum2two17]

A few months ago my husband said he might have to go to London with work for a conference. I asked him would it be possible for me to tag along at my own expense (not to the conference) and I'd be happy to do my own thing. I travel with work too so I'm used to doing things on my own. This evening I helped him look for hotels in London as I know the area well and again I suggested I look at asking my mum to take the children for a night and he said he'd already arranged for his friend to come down and stay in the hotel. I am upset with him as its no problem with me accompanying him on work trips but usually I'm working myself so I cannot go but as I'm on maternity leave he knew I would be available to go and he chose to ask his friend to meet him instead. He doesn't see this as a problem but he knew I really wanted to go and he then went and asked his friend instead leaving me at home. When I pulled him up on it he said I'd want to do stuff in the evening and he has to work so I asked him what was he planning on doing with his friend there and he said ok we'll prob go for a few beers but I don't see him much. I just feel if he'd of been honest with me from the start id be ok about it. I just feel second best. I put him and my children first all the time but I always feel he puts his friends ahead of me.

Yep, I'd be hurt and disappointed by that.

YANBU. DP did exactly this to me about 5 years ago. He was going to a gig and staying over with a friend. I said I would have liked to have gone. Next thing I know the original friend has pulled out and he asked someone else who wasn't me I was furious and tbh still haven't actually forgiven him

Oh yes, I'd be seriously annoyed about that.

I'm just really hurt by him I don't ask to go on many of his trips. He's away next week and I wasn't interested in going at all. He keeps saying to me how he's entitled to do something he wants to do for a change and how I'm the only one who had a problem with it. I told him I'm a mother and I don't have the same freedom to do things I want but I'm ok about that. His reply was well that's your choice.

YANBU

Yes, I would be beyond furious at that and would be demanding that friend be uninvited forthwith.

I just wouldn't accept that at all, I'm afraid. You had already mentioned coming along and had even helped book the hotel FFS. It isn't as though your DH didn't know what this was about.

If he could go out for a few beers with friend in the evening then he could go out with you.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not accept being treated as second best.

I would be hurt and angry. I would also be a bit suspicious I'm afraid.

You are the mother. Is he the father?

If so then why does all of the responsibility and loss of freedom fall on you? He knew what you wanted to do and that your mum would have looked after the kids. He has no excuse and is being an arse. Tell him. Why should he be the only one who gets the chance at a night or two of freedom?

Yanbu He has a nerve. You are entirely in the right. He is being selfish.

As MrsTP says, I might also be a bit suspicious.

His friend is coming to share a hotel room in London with him?

I don't have any reason to be suspicious he's quiet open as am I. We would use each other's phones quiet regularly as he has a better package for calls/texts. I feel our relationship has deteriorated so much since DD was born. I'm quiet happy to stay in with her or bring her with me where I can so this trip would be the first time I'd be leaving her overnight but I know she'd be in good hands. DH keeps comparing our relationship to others saying things like X goes out playing golf every weekend and he has kids or I don't go out drinking every weekend like some people do. It's like he's so unhappy with his life with me.

That's a really crappy attitude he has.

Me too. Hurt, angry, disappointed....
Can he really not see why you are upset??

It's getting to a point where I feel like handing him the divorce papers signed so he can have the life he dreams of so badly. I've no doubt in my mind he adores our children I've seen it first hand but we both seem so unhappy with how our relationship is going. He seems to crave his freedom whereas I enjoy family time.

Hi op it does sound like he's making excuses because what he really wants is a trip away with a friend.
I understand your hurt completely and he should definitely take your feelings into consideration and bring you along.

You're not the only women to feel this way or have a husband who makes you feel like you're not what they want in life.

Rather then think about divorce just yet, you should make sure he know exactly how you feel and then make plans together, so you can start having fun together again.

My dp and I have been together half our lives, and it's had it's ups and downs, currently im his best friend, but who knows how his feelings might change and then one day he'll prefer to do something with a friend over me.

Perhaps he's seeing you as a mum to his children and wife, rather then a friend.
I don't think it's the 'love' that needs sorting here, I think the friendship could do with some work instead xx

YANBU

When was the last time you went on a date? Even an hour in the pub, just the two of you?

Hi anon I actually think you have a point about the friendship. One of the things he has said to me is why can't we just go down the road for a few drinks in the afternoon and come back why does it always have to be a big date where you spend hours getting ready and you don't enjoy it then cos you're tired. You've given me something to think about

We haven't been out together since our DD was born she's not even 6 weeks yet but when DS was born 5 years ago I happily left him for an hour or two with my mum or mil so me and DH could go for dinner. We had a weekend away a week before DD was born.

Aha - sounds like a first step, when you are ready for it?

It's hard as with DS I left him for an hour or two from 6 weeks and then for a weekend overnight when he was 10 weeks and he is a very happy 5 year old who has a close relationship with us and his grandparents however I was criticised by a few people for "abandoning" him so I'm a bit reluctant to leave DD so soon. I've tried explaining to my husband that I feel differently leaving DD than I did DS and I'm not sure whether that's to do with being more mature or the fact we had miscarriages prior to her and we were even told we were likely to miscarry her as the hormones weren't rising enough. Sorry for going off the beaten track just feels good to say it out loud

I'm glad I could help
It's tough after you have a baby and it can make you feel very vulnerable, your husband definitely needs to be more supportive and more of a friend to you as well.
I hope everything works out x

So he feels that as he's not as shit as some of the dads he knows then you should feel lucky as he's only ditched for a night in London instead of every weekend for the pub and golf?

Or his he suggesting he wants to be ditching you and dd every weekend for golf and pub like his selfish mates? That he's missing out or something?

When you have a baby, priorities should change a d baby comes first, it sounds like he feels his priorities shouldn't have to change and that he puts himself first?

No wise words but YANBU

You shouldn't feel guilty about leaving your DD with people who love and care about her. What's the harm in that??
If you feel ready then it's nobody else's business when you leave her.
I know people that went back to work ft when their babies were 3 weeks old.